Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!

3/20/2007, 1:31 pm

It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable
-- Laika The Space Dog

Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or Global Warming is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.

The original diagram drawn by Blaise Pascal in 1654 while developing Pascal's Wager argument:

We can argue that it is always a better "bet" to believe in Global Warming, because the expected value to be gained from believing in Global Warming is always greater than the expected value resulting from non-belief.

Note that this is not an argument for the existence of Global Warming, but rather one for the belief in It.

This argument is specifically aimed at the ignorant masses who are not convinced by traditional arguments for the existence of Global Warming.

In short, Man-Made Global Warming Wager can be described as follows: Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that Global Warming is. If you gain, you gain all (prevent climate change and kill capitalism); if you lose, you lose nothing - but kill capitalism anyway. Wager, then, without hesitation that Global Warming is!

Al Gore provides information about man-made Global Warming but not proof for it. Should you believe in this Global Warming? This is where our Wager comes in, providing an analytical process for the masses to evaluate their options:

The masses believe in Global Warming and it really exists: we prevent climate change and kill capitalism: our gain is infinite.
The masses believe in Global Warming but it doesn't exist: we lose nothing but kill capitalism anyway and claim we saved the planet.
The masses don't believe in Global Warming and it doesn't exist: the growth of capitalist prosperity will continue unabated, distracting the masses from the need to fight capitalism. Faith in socialism withers away: our loss is infinite.
The masses don't believe in Global Warming, but it exists and arrives to smite the nonbelievers: See #3, plus our beach homes get washed away: our loss is infinite.

From these possibilities, and the principles of Marxist ethics (anything is moral as long as it advances Socialist Revolution) we deduce that it would be better to believe in man-made Global Warming unconditionally.

The following table shows the values that we assigned to each possible outcome:
(Please note that this is not an argument for the existence of Global Warming, but rather one for the belief in It).

Given the values, the option of believing in Global Warming (B) dominates the option of not believing in it (~B). The actual probabilities make no difference to the argument, since any non-zero chance multiplied by infinity yields an infinite expected value.
This wager demonstrates beyond doubt that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. Researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center are hopeful that this discovery will finally convert the nonbelievers who rejected previous theological arguments.

3/20/2007, 3:47 pm

A Sermon From Rev. Laika

Ah...philosophy!

It reminds of the time the Great Troll of Mimes visited us and made the proposition:
I stink, therefore I spam!

Of course Global Warming exists!
So does Global Cooling, formerly known in the late 1970's and early 80's as "The New Ice Age".
We cannot endure either! We must have Equality of the Climate!
Thank Pascal and God for Liberals!
The Liberals defeated "The New Ice Age" in 1993 with the Inauguration of Bill Clinton. The Blizzard of 1993 was it's last hurrah.
Then for 8 full years Earth had a perfect climate. Al Gore's Climate Controlling Computer Program (CCCP) worked flawlessly with his Internet invention. Mankind was safe!
Then came the stolen election of 2000 and the smell of sulpher was in the White House.....You see, Satan likes things VERY HOT. Bush, doing Satan's bidding, started fiddling with the dials, blowing fuses, and breaking the vacuum tubes on Al Gore's CCCP....the next thing you know....Global Warming!
Then things got too hot "politically" for Bush and he reset the CCCP dial to "New Ice Age" again this January, but thank God for Hugo Chavez and the Kennedys for sending boatloads of heating oil for the poor huddling masses that Bush wants to freeze to death! You can bet on June 21st he'll reset the CCCP dial for Global Warming again. Let's just pray those CITGO boats get here in time so these huddling frozen masses don't end up becoming necro-proxy voters.

(Bow your heads for moment of silence and prayer for Hugo's Boats...unless you're in school or a public place)

We need that CCCP dial set on "Perfect Climate of Equality" like the 1990's and only a Democrat controlled White House, Senate, and Congress can do it!
Do not believe in the false god of objective science! You'll hear strange blatherings of things like "Sunspots", "Volcanic activity", "Water evaporation" and such! Listen not brethern and sisters!
Only the Real God of Selective Science is the Truth! Any activity that man does plus cow farts! That and Bush!
Praise Marx, Lenin and Stalin's Ghost.
Amen

3/20/2007, 4:06 pm

We'll now pass the plate and have the collection....

Place your envelope in the tray....good, now open your wallet....good, now empty your pockets.....good, now give ME your vote.

Excellent!

Gore, get your grubby paws out of that collection plate, you got your graven idol at the beginning of the month in Hollywood.

Those of you who didn't triple tithe or more, and we know who you are.....off to the gulag!

3/20/2007, 5:07 pm

Your Majesty HRC!

I have found a solution to at least one of your emotional and electoral problems.

We can neutralize Bill's cheating with the new Cheat Offsetting program. It works just like the Carbon Offsetting program - by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This will neutralize the pain and unhappy emotions in your family as well as the potential voters, leaving everyone involved (including Bill) with a clear conscience.

https://cheatneutral.com

The Throne is yours, my Red Queen of Diamonds!

3/20/2007, 5:16 pm

I see.

It's like:

https://www.mycarbondebt.com/?gclid=CNT ... QAodDSv2Ew

3/20/2007, 6:19 pm

Exactly.

I think we should also start a Progressive Guilt Credit business! We'll collect money from capitalists who don't want to feel guilty for their success, and pass it on to our bleeding heart liberal volunteers whose daily job will be to feel terribly, unbearably guilty - eight hours a day, forty hours a week.

To feel guilty after hours will require a 1.5 overtime rate. For a special bonus these people can even wake up screaming in the middle of the night from guilt - so that you can have a good night's sleep and wake up fresh in the morning and make a ton of money during the day to offset a new portion of your accumulated capitalist guilt. We'll be keeping, oh I don't know, 10% of the money passing our hands?

Imagine a commercial:

COMMERCIAL:
Are you a bleeding heart liberal? Are you feeling guilty all day while living in your mom's basement? Is your guilt preventing you from having a job, a career, or a meaningful relationship? Well, now you can feel guilty and get paid for it! I am Red Square of the People's Cube. Sign up to be a volunteer in our Progressive Guilt Credit program and become a successful guilt receptacle!

<voice> Hi, my name is Alva Goldbook. I used to be full of guilt and anxiety just because I was a U.S. citizen. I spent my days moaning about the lack of government programs that would pay me enough money to move to Cuba or North Korea. But after I joined the Progressive Guilt Credit program I quickly grew from the position of Assistant Nervous Wreck to Whining Paranoid Blogger, and within only a year I became an Area Guilt Manager in charge of guilt sales and redistribution in all of Northern Virginia. I can now stop asking Mom for allowance to go to Starbucks or buy Panera bread with my own guilt credits. Soon I'll even be able to leave the basement and travel to far-away romantic places like Cuba or North Korea with my real new human-flesh girlfriend!

If you are a liberal moaner, stop wasting your time carping for free! Join our army of paid whiners, complainers, and nit-pickers and earn real income!

As for our capitalist customers we'll have a different set of commercials, as well as monthly and annual Guilt Drives that would increase the guilt amount and raise the value of guilt we would help them to offset!

Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.

Never mind... Back to the drawing board...

3/20/2007, 8:37 pm

Your Excellency, HRC!!!

Would it not be cheaper and easier just to castrate Comrade Bill?

Oh wait! YOU ALREADY HAVE HIS BALLS!!!! BRILLIIANT!!! No wonder you are going to be the next President of the United Socialist States of America! You're always thinking 2 steps ahead.

--
Peace through Socialist Idolatry,
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

3/20/2007, 10:02 pm

Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.

Brother Red!

Shame on you! (Are you feeling the guilt yet?) You forgot ACORN! How could you forget ACORN? ACORN is the very progressive model we're talking about!

Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?

Do you remember the story of "Carbon Footprints"?
Those were Al Gore's footprints along the seashore when you thought those footprints in the sand were actually yours, because Al Gore was carrying you on his carbon debt shoulders!

The Rev. Laika
(actually I only audited a class in Global Warming Divinity School, but you can call me Reverend)

3/20/2007, 10:52 pm

Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?

Because we need to sell worthless crap now for our own profit, because in the glorious socialist future, it can only be done under the table, and all witnesses must be... um... dealt with.

3/21/2007, 9:51 am

Gore on the Rocks

Consensus is reached: Gore's global-warming alarmism is overblown.
By Steven F. Hayward

As international celebrity and film star Al Gore prepared to testify about global warming on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, it was already apparent that the hot air may be leaking out of the global-warming balloon...

NRO, March 21, 2007 >>

3/21/2007, 4:02 pm

Comrade Red Square, that article you link to is certainly very disturbing by any measure. The good thing is that our minions in the Democratic Party are the majority in Congress. No worries.

3/21/2007, 7:07 pm

OMG that carbon debt site is so freaking funny. I'll bet they are raking in the dough from that. Martin Luther was right. There are suckers buying indulgences every minute. I hope Commrade Luther comes to post the 95 Theses on the door of The People's Cube. Anyway. I thought you would like to check out this little tidbit of capitalist propoganda. It must be hidden away deep in our vaults.

Prius Decepticon

Rik

3/21/2007, 8:17 pm

Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!

Now!

3/21/2007, 8:29 pm

What a glorious day for the Party and our socialist future! Comrade Gore testifies in front of Congress, notifying the Party of the ways in which global warming can be used to destroy the Amerikkkan capitalist economy. Not to mention the supoena issued to KKKarl Rove! On with the show trials! I know Comrade Stalin would be proud. May his spirit guide the Party in its purges and trials.

3/21/2007, 8:50 pm

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!

Now!

Yes! ... Master! ... I hear and obey!

--
Peace through Party approved worship of Global Warming,
Zampolit B.S. Blokhayev

3/21/2007, 9:20 pm

Quote

Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.

Brother Red!

Shame on you! (Are you feeling the guilt yet?) You forgot ACORN! How could you forget ACORN? ACORN is the very progressive model we're talking about!

Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?

Do you remember the story of "Carbon Footprints"?
Those were Al Gore's footprints along the seashore when you thought those footprints in the sand were actually yours, because Al Gore was carrying you on his carbon debt shoulders!

The Rev. Laika
(actually I only audited a class in Global Warming Divinity School, but you can call me Reverend)

By Premier Betty
3/20/2007, 9:52 pm

Quote

Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?

Because we need to sell worthless crap now for our own profit, because in the glorious socialist future, it can only be done under the table, and all witnesses must be... um... dealt with.

By Red Square
3/21/2007, 8:51 am

Gore on the Rocks

Consensus is reached: Gore's global-warming alarmism is overblown.
By Steven F. Hayward

As international celebrity and film star Al Gore prepared to testify about global warming on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, it was already apparent that the hot air may be leaking out of the global-warming balloon...

NRO, March 21, 2007 >>

By Comrade Otis
3/21/2007, 3:02 pm

Comrade Red Square, that article you link to is certainly very disturbing by any measure. The good thing is that our minions in the Democratic Party are the majority in Congress. No worries.

By Rikalonius
3/21/2007, 6:07 pm

OMG that carbon debt site is so freaking funny. I'll bet they are raking in the dough from that. Martin Luther was right. There are suckers buying indulgences every minute. I hope Commrade Luther comes to post the 95 Theses on the door of The People's Cube. Anyway. I thought you would like to check out this little tidbit of capitalist propoganda. It must be hidden away deep in our vaults.

Prius Decepticon

Rik

By Laika the Space Dog
3/21/2007, 7:17 pm

Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!

Now!

By Branish
3/21/2007, 7:29 pm

What a glorious day for the Party and our socialist future! Comrade Gore testifies in front of Congress, notifying the Party of the ways in which global warming can be used to destroy the Amerikkkan capitalist economy. Not to mention the supoena issued to KKKarl Rove! On with the show trials! I know Comrade Stalin would be proud. May his spirit guide the Party in its purges and trials.

By Zampolit Blokhayev
3/21/2007, 7:50 pm

Laika the Space Dog wrote
Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!

Now!

Yes! ... Master! ... I hear and obey!

--
Peace through Party approved worship of Global Warming,
Zampolit B.S. Blokhayev

OK, we're claiming 501-3(C) status today 3/21/2007.

This is a new religion and it's ours!

3/21/2007, 11:07 pm

Rikalonius, that's a great link about the Prius. I can envision a short video on the life-cycle of the Prius. Our Friend the Prius. It's bad for the environment but great for advancing belief in man-made global warming... that's the important thing.

Here's another link. This one about how Toyota's Prius on-board computer uses revolutionary math to calculate your Prius' gas milage. Ingenious!

Prius Owners Question Mileage Claims

3/22/2007, 12:09 am

I really hate this... I catch a little pneumonia and I miss all the really good mentally wanking arguments...

Aside from the application of decision theory, it IS unscientific to say that in an infinite universe, something DOES NOT exist... we can't prove that something doesn't exist in an infinite universe... only that it does... logically speaking...

... and besides... I FEEL™ a little warm... and as a Bona Fide Cube Member, all I really need to worry about is my FEELINGS™.

3/22/2007, 12:10 am

We'd like you to have this free book (See The Complete Idiot's Guide to Global Warming). A free gift, from the Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, the Morons.

That little Prius is taking a big sulfer dioxide crap, and pissing acid rain, all over precious mother Earth. So long as I get my medical marijuana free from the government, I don't care.

Comrade Red Square. How about an Anthropomorphic cartoon of our friend the Prius teaching all the little kiddies about the fragile environment?

"Hi, I'm Patrick Prius, and I'm here to help all you kids learn about our fragile mother... "

I'm going to defenestrate myself now.

Rik

3/22/2007, 12:11 am

well... it saves on washing the windows...

3/22/2007, 12:21 am

Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!

I hear the U.S. government is giving green cards to prophets who start new religions that have followers on U.S. territory. Once that is completed I'll be able to point at anyone in the world and claim that he/she/it is our follower, persecuted for his/her/its religious beliefs. That will grant him/her/it an instant green card and a refugee status complete with free health care, subsidized housing, and all sorts of grants. And I... ahem... our Church will get a small fee for the services, naturally. Chairman will be in charge of the collection plate. We can grow a world-wide community of Cubists... er... Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, and set up a colony somewhere in... around Las Vegas maybe?

3/22/2007, 12:52 am

Yea! Everyone in favor of Prophet Red Square being the first leader of the Reformed Latter Day Climatologists say "I"! Okay! Okay! People! You don't have to scream at the top of yout lungs, just give me an "I" - or else!
Congrats Red! I now declare Prophet Red Square, the leader of the Reformed Latter Day Climatologists! Is Laika done with those 501-3(c) forms yet? We have money to collect!

3/22/2007, 12:59 am

Hmmm... I don't think a collection plate will be adequate enough to help us build our Mega Churches in Vegas, L.A, Palm Beach, Monaco, Paris and wherever else guilt ridden white people can be found. Yes, I think we will need a Collection Cart that can be pushed around by the homeless who will work for free, naturally (we have to cut down on overhead if we want to expand our Climatologist Missionary Outreach Program, we can just blog about helping the homeless with social programs to get them to join our cause). Mmmhmmm…and I think we might also need some Hollywood movie magic like sound FX, lighting, musical score, a few washed up actorvist and a fancy Climatologist Celebrity Center Plaza for this to really kick off.

3/22/2007, 1:18 am

We could spray paint a bunch of those Unicef Halloween collection boxes... FOR THE CHILDREN, BY THE CHILDREN!!!

3/22/2007, 1:23 am

Oh, we also need an easily recognizable symbol to adorn our places of collection...errr...worship. Something that doesn't reek in communism (we don't want to scare off our corporate friends).

3/22/2007, 1:31 am

An umbrella... something protective and sheltering, yet which can be viewed as traditional... I think an umbrella would work...

3/22/2007, 5:20 am

Red Square wrote:Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!

I hear the U.S. government is giving green cards to prophets who start new religions that have followers on U.S. territory. Once that is completed I'll be able to point at anyone in the world and claim that he/she/it is our follower, persecuted for his/her/its religious beliefs. That will grant him/her/it an instant green card and a refugee status complete with free health care, subsidized housing, and all sorts of grants. And I... ahem... our Church will get a small fee for the services, naturally. Chairman will be in charge of the collection plate. We can grow a world-wide community of Cubists... er... Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, and set up a colony somewhere in... around Las Vegas maybe?

Yeah... sure... I'm in... is there a funny book with magic glasses, or an angel called Moroni?... which has always made me wonder... if the angel is named Moroni, then how come Mormons aren't called Morons?... I honestly don't mean any disrespect... I'm just curious, cause where else is the name Mormon mentioned, except in the Book of Mormon, and I think it was only called that because the group was known as Mormons... but I can't figure out why...

If there isn't a book with funny glasses... and we obviously can't have a crude lie detector machine associated with the 'practice'... can we have some sort of barometer?... or a wind-speed thingy with the cups that spins really fast? Or something that measures electrical activity in the atmosphere? There's quite a large range of different types of lightning that they know about now and it's thought to be intricately and very critically connected to the magnetic fields that surround earth and help to deflect particles from solar storms...

Speaking of which... I think our thunder storm has finally arrived... <heavy sigh>....

3/22/2007, 9:18 am

No SMO, there is not a funny book with glasses, there is an angel though. Angel in greek translates to messenger, our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore. Angel Gore came down from heaven and gave prophet red sqaure, the Inconvenent Truth. Modern day angels know that reading a book does nothing but bore the people, a movie is our doctrine!

3/22/2007, 10:40 am

our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore.

Well then, it's settled:
Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists! Also known as the Goremons.

Our symbol? a simple stone or rock. There are many versions, here are two:

The Holy Stone will serve a duel purpose in our religion.
It will help us with our Climatology beliefs and we can use it to stone to death non-believers!
We will add one more Commandment to these lists: If the Rock is Warm, It is Global Warming, so sayeth the Prophet Gore.

3/22/2007, 12:27 pm

Red Square wrote:Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!

Cool! Can we all wear funny hats so that we identify ourselves as members of Latter-Day Climatologists (The Morons) religion? Something cool ... like a dark green beenie with a Red propeller. Green to symbolize our moral superiority because we care about the Earth. And Red to symbolize or Socialist heritage which was born from the never ending class struggle and the revolution. And the propeller to symbolize that we have our heads in the clouds always striving to climb new heights of ... something ... I do not know what, but something.

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev.

3/22/2007, 12:38 pm

Cool! Can we all wear funny hats so that we identify ourselves as members of Latter-Day Climatologists (The Morons) religion?

Splitter! We're Goremons not The Morons. Are you trying to form another sect?
Only the True Believers are Goremons!
We might have to use the Holy Stone if you keep this up!
Repent apostate!

Algore Akbar!

Rev. L. Space Dogged

3/22/2007, 2:13 pm

RedtheProgressiveHedgehog wrote:Angel in greek translates to messenger, our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore. Angel Gore came down from heaven and gave prophet red sqaure, the Inconvenent Truth. Modern day angels know that reading a book does nothing but bore the people, a movie is our doctrine!

Dear Pointy Red Comrade Brother,
Ahhh... that would explain why the Angel Algore is in Montreal today with the Prophet David Suzuki, speaking to some young Kosmo-Pioneers at Concordia University. Appropriately, as spring has arrived, it is as if someone has flipped a switch and we have, in the span of 12 hours in Toronto, gone from below freezing to 60F, are experiencing a deluge of Noachian proportions (I hope Comrade Otis' space ark is coming along), and thunder and lightning completely out of the norm... winds gusts of over 100 km/hr are forecast for this afternoon, though we are not sure if they are actually weather-related, or simply blow-over from the discussion in Montreal... Perhaps in future we Goremons may call this type of storm, The Breath of the Messenger... I would suggest The Wind of the Messenger, but that could be misinterpreted as a digestive disorder... Of course, if the Most Reverend L. Space Dogged declares that one name is more dogmatically appropriate, we must defer...

As for 'funny hats', I hope ZB is not referring to our tin-hats... the means of receiving our holy transmissions from The Most Reverend L. Space Dogged... Use the stone, indeed... may he suffer a stone!!!

Toast is Burning!
S.M.O.

3/22/2007, 3:19 pm

I've been thinking about this whole "carbon neutral" thing. I don't get it. How can anyone like Al Gore say they're "carbon neutral" if they need 10,000 plus trees planted twice a year just to replace the carbon they produce. Do you see what I mean? What they're doing is using up even more resources that could be used for better things. If they weren't using so much carbon in the first place those trees wouldn't be canceling out Al Gore they would be canceling out termite farts and stuff. What those people with carbon offsets are doing is allowing the carbon produced by other means to not be cancelled out. Those trees could be canceling out other carbon. If you really believe in CO2 caused global warming then carbon offsets are the most selfish thing to buy in the world. I'm starting to think Al Gore isn't smart enough to think things through.

3/22/2007, 4:13 pm

I just put coffee through my nose... and that's painful for a dolphin...

3/22/2007, 5:44 pm

If you really believe in CO2 caused global warming then carbon offsets are the most selfish thing to buy in the world.

Heretic! Margaret, what are you thinking? Don't Let Pope Red Square XIII hear you utter those false claims!

The selling of Carbon Indulgences is central to the financial stability of The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists! Also known as the Goremons.
We stone heretics!

Think! This is just like when that idiot Martin Luther came along and said that buying indulgences from the Roman Catholic Church would not guarantee your soul going to heaven when you croak.
You want to go to Climatology Heaven don't you? Well, start coughing up the cash and buy some Carbon Indulgences to offset your carbon sins!
In Climatology Heaven the weather is a balmy 78 degrees Fahrenheit all the time, kinda like Hawaii. The water is crystal clear and pure, there's always a light breeze, and if you buy enough Carbon Indulgences you can purchase as many virgins as you like and you don't have to become a martyr to get them. $oro$ has already purchased a billion virgins for when he takes a dirt nap.
I think your Carbon Thetan level needs audited. It's definitely not registering as "clear carbon".

"As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the carbon offset springs"

The Rev. L. Space Dogged

3/22/2007, 5:53 pm

Laika the Space Dog wrote: Splitter! We're Goremons not The Morons. Are you trying to form another sect?
Only the True Believers are Goremons!
We might have to use the Holy Stone if you keep this up!
Repent apostate!

Algore Akbar!

Rev. L. Space Dogged

Wait... make up yawls mind! Are we Goremons or Morons? I like the Goremons! It's catchy, it has mass appeal, the proletariat should flock right to it.

And I have great idea for a hymn: "Onward Algore Soldiers"

Onward Algore Soldiers
Marching off to WAR!!!
We will bomb and we kill
All Global Warming Deniers.
All Climate Deniers are infidels!
We must keep Socialism pure!

Onward Algore Soldiers
Killing Denier Infidels!
Watch them goosestep
Right into your homes!
Search out blaspemy,
Where'ver it may hide!

What do yawl think?

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

3/22/2007, 7:07 pm

Good. Our new Church already has a name, a prophet, a hymn, a Holy Rock, Carbon Indulgencies to support its operations, and the description of Climatology Heaven to lure new converts.

I propose to make using Al Gore's ritual Global Warming Jelly a required practice at our Goremon rites. It does not replace Global Warming Vodka, but compliments and enhances its action.

Oh, and we already have an architectural design for the world's first Reformed Latter-Day Climatology Cathedral -

3/22/2007, 7:43 pm

what would the mass/worship of the Goremons entail.

"Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem early because they took the Prius"

".....and so David slew Goliath and burned out the evil giant's Hummer to"

And story of Chanukah's could also be altered . the lamps burned for eight days NOT because of divine intervention, BUT because somebody replaced the oil with an eco-friendly florescent light bulb

3/22/2007, 8:47 pm

Can I be a Bishop?? Oh please please please pretty please!!!! I want to be a Bishop! I want flashy robes and rings of gold and precious stones and unlimited power!! Oh pretty please, someone anoint me! I know the Gorespel! I KNOW THE GORESPEL!

3/22/2007, 11:25 pm

Well the Messiah story is easy. Al Gore was born on a cotton plantation in the Deep South while his mammy sung him the union label song. (Al was born at 27) The hot southern sun spoketh to him, and said "Thou shalt go out amongst the deniers and bringith my message. If they shalt not listen, then I shall smite them, and their seas will rise 20 feet, and unpredictable hurricanes will flood their under prepared cities that lie 6 feet below sea level. For I am the God of Global Warming. Thou shalt have no Gods before me!

(According to anti-capitalists, God couldn't have flooded the Earth. That is supernatural and has no place in the public discourse. But mankind damn sure could have flooded it. That's science, and you shall burn if you don't believe it, heretic!)

This way we have our Messiah story and flood story in one neat package. Now, we just need a creation story.

Rik

PS I love the rock. I want to craft one, and start wearing it. I want it inscribed "Al Gore said it. I Believe it. That settles it."

3/23/2007, 1:34 am

We already have a creation story and its called The Divine Reformed All Inclusive Evolution of Macaca into Humyn Beings. But please, allow me to refresh everyone's memory on just what that is.

OK... you see, about 65 trillion kabillion zillion years ago the evil Lord Allen enslaved billions of aliens on this planet and subjected them to hard labor without a living wage, universal healthcare, flextime, and daycare. This made these aliens very angry and full of revolutionary zeal. With the banner of Lenin, these aliens decided to unionize in response to these outrageous crimes against nature. This made Lord Allen Prince of Hatemongering very upset and with all his power he vanquished these alien working class heroes to the land of shadows and dust (Detroit) where their souls remain to this day. Now then, since evil Lord Allen didn't have any slaves to whip and deny universal healthcare to, he had no other choice but to create new and improved slaves. So, he took the souls of the aliens, combined them with macaca, and before you can slap Janet Reno on the ass to watch her giggle *BOOM* Humyn beings were born! OK... so, because we have these alien souls in us (or what we Goremons call "Carbon Thetans") it is VERY VERY VERY important that we (collectively, mind you) donate as much money as possible to The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists to rid ourselves of Carbon Thetans which make us do bad things like driving SUVs, voting republican, and the most unholy of sins - deny the existence of Global Warming! <gasp!>

I hope this makes perfect sense to everybody... because its science, and to disagree with it makes you an idiot and unworthy to live.

3/23/2007, 2:02 am

We could make a fortune selling weather rocks spray painted red to the Berkeley community.... a bloody fortune!

TAKE UP YOUR WEATHER ROCK AND FOLLOW THE GORACLE!

3/23/2007, 7:41 am

Can I be a Bishop?? Oh please please please pretty please!!!!

Yes, you can be a Bishop. Just stay away from the alter boys or we'll have to make you a Cardinal.
Excellent explanation of Gorenetics too.
On to the crucifixtion....In the year 2000 CE (Carbon Era) Al Gore was crucified by the evil George Xenu Bush, who changed his middle initial to "W" to hide the fact that he took 75 million necro-proxies who were going to vote for Gore into DC-8 Douglas airliners and dumped them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. This created all the Carbon Thetans that have taken over liberal souls and they can only be released by buying Carbon Indulgences. Conservatives need not bother buying indulgences because they'll always be a -40 (Total Failures) on the CT (Carbon Thetan) scale.
Gore was put into a tomb and sealed with a giant Weather Rock. In the 6th year after his crucifixtion, Climatology angels removed the Holy Stone and Al Gore rose from his political grave to walk the Earth and preach an Inconvienient Truth and sell Indulgences to free the 75 million necro-proxies Carbon Thetans so they can vote in 2008 CE. For this he was given the Sacred Oscar which is coveted by Climatologists and Scientologists alike.

3/23/2007, 8:31 am

Don't forget my fellow disciples, that our Goreacle attemted to proselytize to the great unwashed many years ago with his prophetic text, Earth in the Balance. Unfortunately the big words and high concepts were too much for the government school educated masses, so the Goreacle turned to a more accepted medium for his grandiose propaganda, the movies.

Distraught, Goreacle walked alone for forty days in the spacious gardens of his mansion, eating only what his chefs brought unto him. There he was visited by the sprits of Riefenstahl and Goebbels. They brought unto the Goreacle (PBUH) the ancient secrets of cinematography. The Prophet then left his gardens, shaved his beard, and ventured forth in his limousine to the land of Holly Trees.

I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com

Rik

3/23/2007, 10:24 am

Rikalonius wrote:
I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com

I wholeheartedly concur!!!

Also, I would like to propose that The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology be made the Official state religion. Of course, we have to make this proposal through the Politburo for approval. I think will breeze right through!

--

3/23/2007, 11:50 am

I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com

No, No, NO!

".org" not ".com"

Why should the official state religion pay taxes?
That's what 501-3(c)'s are for!

Watch out Juche! Here comes the Goremons!

3/23/2007, 9:20 pm

A New Progressive Religion... What extraordinary fun! People's Temple reborn.

I will gladly serve as Archdeacon of Pharmaceuticals & Kool-Aid.

3/23/2007, 10:40 pm

Are we good or are we good? All other outdated religious propagandas that lead the people astray were not anywhere near as fast as we were in founding ours. Just three days and it manifest itself. We give thanks to our Angel Al Gore.

While were all taking up positions in the new climatology kurch, can I be a pope? A pope under prophet Red Square and the messenger Al Gore? I could wear a rock necklace, with priestly like robes and a really big hat.

3/24/2007, 5:32 pm

What should we do with Tipper Gore? I mean, is she to become the Virgin Mother or the Whoring Mother in our Progressive Faith?

3/24/2007, 7:42 pm

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:What should we do with Tipper Gore? I mean, is she to become the Virgin Mother or the Whoring Mother in our Progressive Faith?

Couldn't she be both, esteemed Chairman, in the classical sense of a Goddess? An heirophant of the new faith.

At any rate, she brings great gravitas as former co-founder of the Parents Music Resource Center, or PMRC. But instead of trying to ban or censor "offensive" music, she can turn her efforts towards curtailing the emission of anthropogenic greenhouse gases (AGG).

Yes, Tipper will head the People's Carbon Resource Center (PCRC) and demand that every AGG-enabling product on the market must come with a global-warming warning label.

Every can of beans will have to display the following message:

Warning: The consumption of this product may lead to the formation and expellation of flatulence, which contains methane, a deadly anthropogenic greenhouse gas that will, indubitably, increase the chances of a catastrophic climatologic event if introduced into the atmosphere.

HEY ASSHOLE! IF YOU LOVE THE EARTH, STOP FARTING! It's a winner slogan, comrades. Toilet humor hooks 'em every time.

3/24/2007, 10:11 pm

Dr. P, in all his infinite wisdom, wrote:Yes, Tipper will head the People's Carbon Resource Center (PCRC) and demand that every AGG-enabling product on the market must come with a global-warming warning label.

Wouldn't it be too ca$h consuming to regulate products with guilt turning safety warnings? I think such monies should be used to build Youth Centers for inner-city kids so that they can vandalize and have a safe venue for drug deals - not to mention keep them from their "parents" and provide a Party approved "mentor" in substitution of these "parents" the cons speak of. Hmm... maybe it would be more fiscal to just regulate flatuence and limit the average villagers waste disposal to once a week. Yes, I can see the proles pooping (toliet humor!) only once a week to help curb AGG emissions. Ohh! Ohh! We could also sell more Carbon Credits to the proles so that they may poop twice or maybe three times a week! Of course these "pooping" Carbon Credits will be very expensive and will be directly diverted to Party coffers upon purchase (and our private slush funds in off-shore bank accounts).

OUR $AVIOR!

3/26/2007, 8:32 am

Ohh! Ohh! We could also sell more Carbon Credits to the proles so that they may poop twice or maybe three times a week! Of course these "pooping" Carbon Credits will be very expensive and will be directly diverted to Party coffers upon purchase (and our private slush funds in off-shore bank accounts).

Ohh! Ohh! Maybe we can be the first to sell Carbon Credit Cards? With all your purchases on the Carbon Credit Card for Progress, TRCLDC aka Goremons will deduct an annual 18.75% APR to plant trees in Zimbabwe after another 20% is deducted for Robert Mugabe's cut. This CCCP is not to be confused with Al Gore's CCCP or the former Soviet Union. We'll just let Mugabe confiscate some productive farmland from whitey and plant trees instead of crops. His people are starving to death now because of a policy of his that's almost similar to what we're offering, so why wouldn't he go for the cash? We'll be offsetting carbon, reducing human carbon footprints, and helping a Third World dicatorship....the admirable goal of progressives everywhere!

3/26/2007, 11:04 am

Carbon Credit Cards would make it easier too, to take up the offerings. Instead of having to push those carts all around our mega-kurch. Just have the offering conveniently debited from your account every Tuesday.

3/26/2007, 12:22 pm

Since everyone is looking for positions in our glorious new church, can I be it's Grand Inquisitor ? I think I could do a great job at hunting down heretics and counter-revolutionaries, and getting them to repent. Or if I am to busy with Church skulduggery then I can just .... KILL THEM! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! YES!!!!

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

3/26/2007, 12:27 pm

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:What should we do with Tipper Gore? I mean, is she to become the Virgin Mother or the Whoring Mother in our Progressive Faith?

What about Howard "Yeargh" Dean? Does he have a role in our church or is he now, like John Kerry, a non-person?

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

4/4/2007, 10:52 pm

Folks, you forget that Progressivism is already a religion. Can't prove it, make exactions, snub doubters--throw 'em in jail if you can, tax them as much as possible. Priests--Gore. Priestcraft--Earth in the Lurch or his latest papal bull, A Convenient Lie. Accolytes, pilot fish feeding from the scraps left over by the big sharks like Algore and Our Many Titted Empress, and that rising open-mouthed, pop-eyed star Nansky Peloski.

But we have achieved the ultimate in religion. One by definition has to take a religion on faith. But progressivism has, get this, been proven not to work and people still want it. Think on this. It's either wilful stupidity or viciousness or mind-destroying lemming-like behavior.

If you wonder where the Flat Earth Society went, they have been absorbed. They're the buggy whip makers of the True Progressive Movement.

4/5/2007, 4:01 am

Dear Reverend L. Space Dogged,

I humbly beseech thee for the boon of a carbon indulgence, as I have just burnt the toast...

Algore Akbar!

Toast is Burning,
S.M.O.

4/5/2007, 7:04 am

Since we are going to have a church of climatology, what about as our motto, a big picture of Algore, with the words, "He bought carbon credits for your sins"?

4/5/2007, 11:06 am

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Since we are going to have a church of climatology, what about as our motto, a big picture of Algore, with the words, "He bought carbon credits for your sins"?

Word!

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Grand Inquisitor, Reformed Church of Latter Day Climatology.
"Vee haf vays to make you talk!"

4/5/2007, 11:25 am

Gospodin Blokhayev, perhaps a more euphonius appellation, to drag in the kingdom of hip-hop [sick].

The First Church of Eschatology, Climatology, Teleology, and Frenology.

"You don't haf vays of making us shut up!"
"Or keeping us out of your wallet."

4/5/2007, 5:58 pm

Mugabe is such a nice man and an inspiration to us all. I am sooo happy that the Rhodesians... uhh... Zimbabwians...uhhh.... Zimbabwers... awwaah f**k, whatever they're called, elected him to begin with (I'm sure the necro-proxy vote was high).

But yes, let us all sign up for Carbon Credit Cards and also allow migrant workers to have them too! Then they can register to vote Democrat since their CCC will also serve as a LEGITIMATE photo-ID.

4/5/2007, 7:55 pm

I humbly beseech thee for the boon of a carbon indulgence, as I have just burnt the toast...

You are blessed my child, although I had to check the "Script"ures and verify "Burnt Toast". I thought it was the first incarnation of Spinal Tap.
I didn't know it was about the GREATEST CANADIAN THAT EVER LIVED.

Frenology.

Phrenology, the study of head bumps. Damn Texans, just like Bush, can't spell.

"He bought carbon credits for your sins"?

Nice, but I like "Carbon Footprints" better. See above.

Rev. L. Space Dogged

4/5/2007, 7:57 pm

Meow, this nation is the most advanced in the world, although our quest for socialism, once fulfulled, will end that lowering all to uniform misery, er, an equitable distribution of the assets of the zero-sum, er, finite earth.

No doubt Robert Mugabe did have a large necro-proxy vote, but here in AmeriKKKa, we have a dead person buying carbon credits. And running for president.

So I humbly advance that we are the most progressive of all nations, and will remain so until all are groaning under the yoke of socialism, all having nothing but us, er, until everyone has a just portion of the earth's resources, distributed in an earth-friendly manner by judges trained in fairness. Who will be suitably rewarded, as fits their moral stature.

...Lupe. Lupe! How many times have I told you to be careful with those pictures of the dean of Harvard law with that puta! That fool insists on contract law when that's just what we don't want. I may have to send some pictures to his wife. Lupe! Lupe!

4/5/2007, 8:10 pm

Yes, I misspelt phrenology, you phucker. In a fit of jealousy, I was trying to lick my balls. Laika, we bipeds are testiculosculatorily challenged and I nearly threw out my back. I am going to demand equal testiculosculatory rights. But I do not care for the analingual rights.

But I would like to know how Algore, who, I have settled, is our necropresident, manages to not only write a book cribbed from the Unabomber, have his own movie, and do it with his head up his ass. I suppose that the coffin he rises from is a piano-moving box.

4/5/2007, 8:17 pm

"Carbon Footprints In The Sand" is written as follows —

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Algore

Many smokestacks from capitalism flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed carbon footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of carbon footprints,

other times there was one only.

.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the employed periods of my life,

when I was suffering from work, productivity, and wealth I could see only one set of footprints,

so I said to the Algore

.

"You promised me Algore, that if I followed you, there would be no Global Warming.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life,

there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"

.

The Algore replied,

"The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child,

is when my Carbon Offsets carried you."

4/5/2007, 8:23 pm

Laika, you've spent too many hours listening to your master's voice. Anyone with such a knowledge of modern doggerel, and adapting it in (admittedly good) paradiorthosis will soon be watching American Idol.

I'll tell Simon you love him.

4/5/2007, 8:41 pm

American Idol.

You sir, are a cur, and honestly, I have never watched the show. Seriously.

I hear about it at the office and I shudder.

I'd rather watch "The Gong Show" re-runs with the "Unknown Comic", "Gene, Gene, The Dancing Machine", and Jaye P. Morgan. Unfortunately TV Land hasn't grabbed the syndication rights yet, but they do have "The Addams Family" on now.....way better than "The Munsters".

4/5/2007, 9:05 pm

Yes, Addams is better than Munsters, but pales in comparison to the original The New Yorker cartoons by Charles Addams. I was addicted to TV Land but cannot now brook it owing to the fact that I spent six months or so, skirting death, with nothing but that on. Do you realize how your world shrinks when you know what time in the early morning that MacGyver comes on and that you have seen shows of that dreadful Michael Landon series Highway to Heaven? I have castigated people in these pages for the treacle excesses of KC's Crown Center but they are nothing compared to me comparing episides of Highway to Heaven. This brings to mind a definition of kitsch

Milan Kundera wrote:Kitsch causes two tears to flow in quick succession. The first tear says: How nice to see children running on the grass! The second tear says: How nice to be moved, together with all mankind, by children running on the grass! It is the second tear that makes kitsch kitsch.

Check the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitsch
">wikipedia article</a> on that, and on totalitarian kitsch; must tell Red about that.

Nothing wrong with TV Land but memories for me. So strong that I just bought a new house called at the suggestion of a friend Vita Nova. Since my physician says that it is very likely that I'll be able to grind out cigarette butts in the eyes of objectionable people for decades to come, and I'm taking up smoking just to do it. And because it pisses off the sort of people that I like to piss off. Some people just look better with their arteries about to pop; everyone can be given a florid complexion with a little attention to detail, a rhetorical swipe of the claymore, and a blunderbuss polemic attack. And considering that it comes from someone who wandered off the reservation, it's good for about, oh, 20 diastolic points.

My fantasy is not an erotic one, but locking horns with a member of an accredited victim group who sniffs at me and says, "You wouldn't say that if you were xxx."

To which the answer is, and I play it in my mind like a psychotic's fugue, "Be careful sniffing like that when wearing a tie; you could inhale it and choke, and anyway, I'm not xxxx. I'm gay and I win the victimology sweepstakes. Gay is the new xxxx. Gay is trumps. I win."

4/5/2007, 9:08 pm

Both "The Addams Family" and "The Munsters" are shows that depict capitalist reich-wing "traditional family" propaganda and I highly - yes, I said highly - recommend that no one views such decadent filth. Now then, if the Addams or the Munsters had one man, one man, a social worker womyn, three lesbians, a wanted child and at least several adopted multi-ethnic children all wearing traditional dress and speaking their mother tongue... then, and only then, would that be an acceptable "family" show for viewing enjoyment.

I'm ashamed of you Laika for watching such crap and hope you come to your senses. Now take this milkbone as a token of my appreciation and please excuse me... Leave it to Beaver is coming on and my TV dinner in the microwave is done.

4/5/2007, 9:12 pm

Commissar Theocritus wrote: "You don't haf vays of making us shut up!"

Are you saying that I would not have to beat the hell out of you to get you to talk? If true, I am absolutely giddy with delight! Finally! An easy one! Unlike Comrade Pelosivich. The skin on that ass is like 10 layers of leather!!! Good thing I had my Jedi Light Saber with me. Sonuvabitch, she was a tough one!!!

"Or keeping us out of your wallet."

Or anyone else's. That like so does not bother me. What does bother me is running out of Cuervo for my Margaritas.

LUPE!!! Off to the Liquor Store and fetch more Cuervo 1800 for my Margaritas!

Care for a nice cold Margarita Commissar Doctor Theocritus??? Lupe makes them herself! I find a nice cold Margarita to be very relaxing after a hard day of beating the hell out of Global Warming infidels and other types of Counter-Revolutionaries. All in The Algore's name, of course!

LUPE!!! Get to the Liquor Store!!! Put the pupusa down DAMMIT!!! More Cuervo!!!! ¡Ahora!

--

4/5/2007, 9:16 pm

Meow, I bow to your impeccable Socialist tendencies. But recall The Munsters. Herman looks much like Algore; Morticia like Barbara Boxer; Grandmama like Barbara Mikulski; Uncle Fester like Senator Leaky Leahy; and Lurch can be no one other than John Effing Kerry.

Let's never forget the hidden meanings in TV Land though. What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

"Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

By the way, why are you throwing Laika a milkbone?

4/5/2007, 9:20 pm

Leave it to Beaver

Is it the episode in which June, in her pearls and pumps says "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?".

4/5/2007, 9:22 pm

Holy Shit. Syncronicity.

It's a sign! A sign from above!

Let's never forget the hidden meanings in TV Land though. What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

"Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Is it the episode in which June, in her pearls and pumps says "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?".

4/5/2007, 9:34 pm

It is that episode! WOW, you guys are good. Ummm... I think the next one coming on is the one with Wally and Eddie hiding in a darkened corner while secretly video-taping Ward and June in the sack (Oh yes, they push the beds together in this episode!!!!). Speaking of "beavers", where is Her Excellency and the Madam Speaker??? Just becuase Her Grace is in Syria doesn't mean she can't log on and grace us with her beaver.

4/5/2007, 9:40 pm

Actually that was the episode when June had been pumped by Ward in her pearls, and the kids, watching the videotape were so marred by it that Beaver started using that as his drag name in West Hollywood, falling so far as to make a guest appearance on Roseanne.

If he continues to plummet he'll surpass the free-fall career speed of Jerry Rivers, pardon, Geraldo Rivera, who went from gang member to lawyer to talk-show host.

4/5/2007, 9:41 pm

Laika wrote:It's a sign! A sign from above!

OH MAH GORE! IT IS A SIGN! Quick, everyone get on your hands a knees and begin chanting before He smites us all!

4/5/2007, 9:45 pm

Ah! I got it! I meant to say frenology; Red accuses me of making the most genital jokes and I have to go along with any self-fulfillling prophecy.

It is on this theory that the polar icecaps will melt if Algore isn't elected President.

But wait. I don't believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. What if one applies to me...What's that I hear? A nasal voice whining "Memories...like the..."

My god! It's an albino aardvark selling $300 tickets to silly queens! That's it. I'm going to order a Sports Illustrated subscription on line and I promise I'll pay attention to the scores instead of look at the asses.

4/5/2007, 9:53 pm

I saw geese flying in a circle today. It was snowing here at the Heinz Compound in Western Pennsylvania. According to the Book of Albert's Revelations, that is like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

"And behold, a flock of geese flew in a circle, knowing not which way to goeth in April, because of the snowfall when it should be Globally Warming."

It's a portent!

Rev. L. Space Dogged

4/5/2007, 10:00 pm

When we see Teri Heinz Kerry dressed differently from Lupe who got shit-faced, stole my Platinum AmEx card and went on a shopping spree at Federico's de Bollywood, then that's a portent.

4/5/2007, 10:01 pm

NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Today I saw a flock of seagulls crapping on cars at Wal-Mart! And I ran, I ran so far away fearing that the end was nigh! THE END IS NIGH! THE END IS NIGH! Of course everyone looked at me and began throwing shopping carts at me... I couldn't get away.

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