Putin: Pro-Russian riots in Ukraine caused by YouTube video

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Today, when asked about the violence surrounding Pro-Russian counter-rebellion in Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin informed the public that no such violence was occurring.

“The Perpetrators of these actions are not separatists,” Putin was quoted as saying. “These are not acts of separatism, but merely spontaneous demonstrations in response to an offensive YouTube video.”

The YouTube video in question is a thirty-second clip of a Lenin Statue toppling in Ukraine, made by an almost unknown 33-year-old male with the YouTube account name TheOriginalNoJokeHonestToGoodnessNotLyingOnlyRealNinjaPirate33. The Video had already collected six and three quarters views before the Malaysian government took it off the Internet.

The maker of the video, Captain Saito Teach, has been located and detained by the government of the Russian Federation, and will face incarceration.

The Constitution of the Donetsk People's Internets Republic, adopted in the beginning of the week, demands that the global community eradicate online bigotry and heresy with its new control over the Internet.

In Bolshevik theology, Lenin serves as the third part of the Trinity of Marxist-Leninism, and came to earth in the 1900s to teach the gospel of Marx-Lenin to the impoverished, the sick in mind and spirit, and the non-believers.

Desecration of the sacred Lenin shrines is a transgression against the Party, meriting eternal torment in the frozen underworld of Bolshevism, the Gulag.

Our local People's Cube correspondent has contacted the leader of the Not-Separatist-not-Fascist Group in the Donetsk Republic and was told the following:

“BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT THE PROPHET OF THE STATE! Kill the Infidels and non-believers for their blasphemy! The American imperialist capitalist dogs will burn from the heat of a hundred thousand tongues of fire until they submit to the will of the Rodina! Rodina Akbar!”

Another source from the Republic of the Donetsk Oblast reportedly told Ukrainian State Media, "We live in a Modern, Global Society, and its members will have to learn to respect and coexist with the beliefs, religions, and ideologies of others. Therefore, I propose that all potentially offensive or disagreeable ideas be purged from the Internet."

The US government has not yet put out any official responses regarding the violence in Ukraine. But, after all, at this point, what difference does it make?

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Comrades, this whole Ukraine thing is all over a desert tortoise which the Ukrainians are causing to go extinct. Comrade Putin is merely doing his part for Saving the Environment.

Save the Tortoise!!

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Can someone explain to me the difference between Putin / Ukraine and BLM / the [url=http://]Bundy Ranch[/url]?

There's just something about mid-April...



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Comrade Rock, the difference is that the Bundy Ranch Truly ARE Terrorists.

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Also, the bUndy ranch has no one on the inside trying to turn it over to the hands of the Feds.

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BLM and highly armed SWAT teams from the Weather Service are on alert, ready to deploy.

Just how many undocumented cows are in the Ukraine?

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The problem is that the cows are forced by their capitalist-pig owners to graze naked and therefore have no pockets in which to carry their papers.

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Update: Two Ukrainian Helicopters that were downed not the work of Separatists. Police investigations conclude the crime to have been a double Homicide at the hand (treads) of a Jealous member of a Ukrainian Armour Column.

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Send in Dear Leaderess with assault hashtags!