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Why I'm a liberal

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I'm a Liberal because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I'm a Liberal because I love the fact I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm a Liberal because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I'm a Liberal because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm a Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm a Liberal because when we pull out of Iraq I trust the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm a Liberal because I believe people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday, CAN tell us the polar ice caps will melt away in 10 years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm a Liberal because I believe business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm a Liberal because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who could NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm a Liberal because my head is so firmly planted up my own butt, it's unlikely I'll ever have another point of view.

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I'm a Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it

Actually Comrade, I am a Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as you only offend rightwing Rethuglican knuckle-draggers.

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Excellent Mani-O-Festo, Comrade Joe. We should all memorize it and keep it close to our hearts.

I, too, am a liberal, because I believe that our Dear Leader is not at all socialistic, but only that he wishes to nationalize the banks because those in the government are natural born bankers, and are far more qualified to handle the people's money.

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Ras-Putin wrote:
I'm a Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it

Actually Comrade, I am a Liberal because freedom of speech is fine as long as you only affend rightwing Rethuglican knuckle-draggers.

An excellent point, Comrade.

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I'm a liberal because I'm too stipud to think for myself.

I'm a left-wing voter because spreading the wealth creates more prosperity

I think you missed a few comrade.

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I'm a liberal because I don't want to see anyone owning guns I personally can't afford. If I can't have them, NOBODY can have them.

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I'm a liberal because it's such a nice, grandstanding, and roundabout way of saying I'm a socialist without the American masses rejecting my views.

And as Obamissar 7.62 probably knows, a socialist is merely a communist without a gun.

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I'm a liberal because I get to show how compassionate I am about certain causes (AIDS, Save Darfur/Tibet/The Planet,etc.) without actually having to do anything meaningful.

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Solidarity 9-6347 wrote:I'm a liberal because I get to show how compassionate I am about certain causes (AIDS, Save Darfur/Tibet/The Planet,etc.) without actually having to do anything meaningful.

What do you mean you feel compassion for Tibet? What is there to be compassionate about? Our Chinese Comrades liberated it from the vile forces of kkkapitalism. Unless you're telling me that you actually dare to oppose the liberation of Tibet by Chairman Mao?

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Comrade Joe - a double ration of gruel for you!

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Red Square wrote:Comrade Joe - a double ration of gruel for you!

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Thank you, Comrade Red Square. We must all keep vigilant, always alert for signs of kkkapitalism infiltrating the People's Republic of China. Although Chairman Mao has left us for that Great Workers' Paradise in the sky, we must ensure that his legacy lives on and carry da revolewshun to its final victory over kkkapitalism everywhere. We cannot allow the kkkapitalists to enslave Tibet ever again.

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Red Square wrote:I'm a liberal because it's such a nice, grandstanding, and roundabout way of saying I'm a socialist without the American masses rejecting my views.

And as Obamissar 7.62 probably knows, a socialist is merely a communist without a gun.

Red Square you are of course correct. In fact I think I will use that as a sig line in a couple of places.

What was it Chairman Mao said? All political power flows from the barrel of a rifle, therefore the Party must control the rifles. Or some such like that.

epb
I'm a liberal because I went to the indoctrinating public schools sensitivity training where I learned it was my right to always feel affirmed and never offended.

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Comrades,

Let us turn to Monsieur Descartes for the source of the Truth: "We know; therefore, we are liberals/progressives."

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I'm a liberal because I'm entitled to OPM. Lot's of OPM!
Why am I entitled to OPM? Because I'm a liberal and that means I belong to 10 different grievance groups demanding OPM. Why are they demanding OPM? Because they're entitled.

Are we clear on this Comrades or do I need Punchenko to explain it to you?
This should have been #1 on the list.

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I'm a liberal because I am too stupid to manage my own financial affairs. This is why I have a European Financial Stability Board manage my economic affairs for me. Since they come from an older, therefore more "civilized", therefore wizened culture than I do, they are way more smarter than I when it comes to managing my money!

I'm a liberal because I can get all the news from the local paper and WNBC TV and from Air Amerika. I like information. Information is good. Free speech is good if it comes from WNBC, Air Amerika and the local fish wrapper. I think the paper should be free, though. Those capitalist advertisers should pay. I don't pay for TV (rabbit ears and tin foil antenna) or Air Amerika. Capitalist advertisers pay for me to hear them rant about capitalist products that people want or might want somehow. I think government should control products. That's fair. Also, I think that since I give money to the government, they should take care of everything I need. I like the candidates who give out the most stuff for free. That's fair. I want a new house and car. When the candidate comes out with those for free, I'll vote for them. Does anybody have Tony Rezko's phone number? I want a bigger house for free. My local 666 paycheck isn't big enough. There should be equality of houses. Nobody's should be bigger than mine. Why work, when stupid hard working and talented other people will work for you? Thats fair. I love liberalism. It's so progressive. Communism is too close to be comfortable. Socialism leaves a little more breathing room. I don't really want to breath in somebody else's carbon footprint. I don't know if Janine Garofalo is a communist or a socialist. but I bet she's inhaled a lot of Washington's carbon footprint. She's fair. I wonder if she would like to share my carbon footprint sometime. Hello, Janine. Big fan here. Be fair to me. Be gentle.

mi
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Comrades! The correct term is Illiberal — the Party can not and will not approve of this so called "liberty", because people free to choose, will make all the wrong decisions. The Party must guide the flock (with an iron fist, if necessary) and to do that properly, we must reject this bourgeois notion of "liberty".

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I'm a liberal because nobody should have more than I have so I want some all of theirs.

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I'm a liberal because...

I'm special and therefore feel entitled to other people's money. I also believe everybody's equal.

I believe everybody should live together; whites, blacks, muslims. I live in a white suburb.

I believe that Tibet should be free. I also believe that freedom is overrated.

I believe in global warming and that capitalism is destroying the planet. I just bought a new Mac. Macs are cool! And btw, I'm flying to Paris this summer!

I believe that public transportation is the future because cars are destroying the environment. I have a car.

I believe certain words should be banned and the internet censored. I felt oppressed under the Bush administration.

I believe the Capitalists are exploiting third world child workers. I'm a trendy person and I always wear the latest fashion.

I think Jon Stewart is funny. I think Tina Fey is Sarah Palin.

I believe that I understand everything. I don't know anything.

I am a liberal because the government knows what's best for me. They give me free vodka and free cheese.
My fascist neighbors disagree with me. Please send truth education squad for my counter-revolutionary neighbor and have him renounced and exiled .
No need to punish the pretty wife, comrades, she is not a fascist.

I'm a liberal because hugging a tree brings me closer to Mother Nature.
I'm a liberal because without abortion I would have no Rights.
I'm a liberal because it's OK to hate America and live here at the same time.

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I am a liberal because if The Party (or It's most poerful and glorious organ, the MSM) says something, then it must be true and unquestioned. Even if the Pary announces that Hubble has found Green Chinese people who are dancing on the moon. And are eating laika.

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Comrade Goose wrote:I am a liberal because if The Party (or It's most poerful and glorious organ, the MSM) says something, then it must be true and unquestioned. Even if the Pary announces that Hubble has found Green Chinese people who are dancing on the moon. And are eating laika.

Excellent, Comrade Goose. You have a truly progressive attitude. Oh and by the way, the Ministry of Truth (the Party propaganda wing) has declared that you are not actually a goose, but a garbanzo bean with feathers. So do you mind if I call you Comrade Bean?


 
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