The Government Shutdown Diary (with Updates)

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Day 1 - October 1, 2013

I cautiously open my eyes and I'm surprised to see sunlight entering the spacious luxury bedroom of my humble 200ish room beachfront dacha. I breathe a sigh of relief and praise Stalin that our infallible government was far sighted enough to fund the rotation of the earth as a necessary government service. I feared a new age of Global Cooling would be upon us if the Repugnantcans had gotten their way. The Repugnantcans! They're still there, aren't they? I realize that so much will be unfunded today that while the sun did rise, it will only be to illuminate a vast desert wasteland strewn with the remains of "non-essential" government services (as if such a thing could exist).

I'm filled with anxiety and uncertainty. I want to ring my chauffeur and go for a spin in the People's Rolls, but what if the DOT has been denied funding by the Repugnantcans and their corporate masters? I want to ring the butler for my eggs benedict in hollandaise sauce, but what if the FDA is shut down? It gives me a headache to think about it, but how can I get an aspirin? Am I supposed to walk to the bathroom only to find that Ted Cruz not only eliminated the FDA but sneaked in on the eve of the shutdown and cleared out my medicine cabinet?

What to do!? I want to protest, to hold a candlelight vigil at the FDR statue, but I can't! It's shut down! Maybe I should go sit on a ledge, but that's already a patented form of protest. This I'll do: I'm so filled with confusion and outrage that I'm going to spraypaint meaningless slogans on one of my tractors and personally drive it somewhere to get media attention for myself and my cause.

Day 2 – October 2, 2013

Today I found myself filled with a sense of resolution. My despair of yesterday had practically evaporated now that I had a plan. No more private wailing and gnashing of teeth for me. No sir, now I'm going to wail loudly and publicly. I'm going to make a difference! I'm going to matter.

I board my green EcoTractor™ and begin my Tractor Drive across America to Raise Awareness and Show How Much I Care Tour™. For the sake of brevity, I think I'll call it the Tour of Pain™. The point is to demonstrate how the Republican government shutdown is destroying our planet. I gas up at Wal-Mart since fuel is cheaper there than at Citgo. Still, even on an awareness tour, I have pressing business to attend to before I hit the road. I order six tons of cat litter on my iPad for the Blogunov Foundation for Disabled Minority Kittens and take advantage of PetSmart's volume discount. After spray painting, “Corporate Profits Club Baby Seals” on my EcoTractor™, I'm on my way in spite of the blinding smoke and choking fumes.

I arrive in Two Egg, Florida to kick off my Tour of Pain™ awareness campaign. To graphically demonstrate what Republicans and their corporate masters do to the Little Guy™, I stand on the former site of the Pittman Store. The Pittman Store was personally destroyed by a sledge hammer wielding Jeb Bush three years ago because of yesterday's government shutdown. A homeless man (he probably had a home before Ted Cruz looted it and burned it to the ground) is in attendance as I end my speech by dropping to my knees with an impassioned, “MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!” That woke up the homeless guy who identified with me by throwing a beer bottle. I knew then that he shared my rage and that I had made a difference. Encouraged by the turnout, I'm pumped for the next leg of the trip on the Tour of Pain™, and I won't stop until this madness ends.

Day 3 – October 3, 2013

Still in Two Egg. The EcoTractor™ broke down. The homeless guy wanted $20 “for food”. Media attention is still scant. I'll have to see about gathering celebrity support to get more attention for my cause. I did at least choose a ribbon today for the Tour of Pain™. I'm going with red and gold, approved Cubist colors. Yes, I know, I know, it's already there for neonatal alloimmune thrombocytopenia awareness, everybody knows that, but awareness ribbons may be used for more than one cause.

Day 4 – October 4, 2013

Celebrity support has been less than hoped for. Only heard from Miley, now Molly, Cyrus who was hoping to use my cause to draw attention to herself and rebuild her fan base. Sorry, I don't share my public grief with anyone. Homeless guy was disappointed, but that's the price you pay for activism.

I think I'll post a monologue on the People's Cube while I wait on getting the tractor fixed.

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It is very distressing, is it not.... but here in the People's Gulag, we are struggling through...


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Komrade Kommisar - Know that The Party will avenge your pain!!! I have felt the fear in your words! The horror of your reality reaches through my telescreen demanding spontaneous convulsions of sympathetic trauma!! The tears are flowing now! For we know, he who cries the loudest while screaming in agony from any feigned oppression or disrespect is always rightous!! We also know that anyone who denies that agony or judges in any way is an enemy of the PEOPLE!!!!! TO ACTION! Aiiiiiieeeeee!!!!

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--That fifty kittens die every hour that the government is shut down?

--That restaurants have ceased to function because there is no one to accept their phone calls at "Let's Move"?

--That students are so distracted at the thought that some people don't love ObamaCare as much as they do that they are unable to use their smart phones to update their facebook status during their history classes?

--That airplanes and helicopters have been plummeting to earth since midnight because of the Republicans?

--That gasoline is no longer available because of the shut down?

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Frau, there are few, very few who appreciate the angst and struggles we of the Inner Party endure for the Greater Good™. If this shutdown madness continues, it could threaten the Party Bunker vodka supply which is projected to run out in mere months.
Comrade INGSOC, thank you. It's all about righteous tears and anger, an insight I owe to our Father Prog. I've been working on hyperventilating to expedite an appearance of perfectly distressed victimhood. I practice my shrieking MAKE IT STOP! DEAR STALIN, MAKE IT STOP!! for an hour each day in preparation for my Tractor Drive across America to Raise Awareness and Show How Much I Care Tour™.
And Comrade Brain in Jar, I'm nearly paralyzed with shock over the kittens, but on the bright side the thought of it helps immensely with my strident expressions of public grief and anguish (it also helps me understand my students' conduct today). I'm going to carry extra gas cans on my tractor for the tour - thanks for the heads up.

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Comrades, the fear for myself and my collective family has caused me to step out of my lurking shadows.

Dear Leader (PBUH) has told me that there is much to fear from this orchestrated shutdown upon Western Society that we weren't involved in for once brought upon us by those EVIL RETHUGLIKKANS . He, in His infinite wisdom, has informed me that we now have roughly a million left to fend for themselves upon the street with no govt jobs to keep them in check or EBT cards to sate their well-fed appetite upon the collective teat after being on it for so long.

I have taken the appropriate measures upon my gulag to ensure that the recently released masses do not enter into restrictive govt property due to their loss of status as "Official Elevator Button Pusher" and other noble, highly important professions within the Federal Government

Comrade Blogunov, I will pray for the blessing and wisdom of Dear Leader himself upon your noble tractor quest and know that the rest of us hold on strong for your success.

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OK, I admit to having been a programmer for 25 years. And I simply cannot imagine the level of incompetence it would take to have this happen after three years of development time for a website.


PROG currently unavailable due to technological "glitches".

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The Alaskan People's Republic is in total turmoil! The (as in there is only one) road into Denali National Park is chained off a mile inside the park. Can societal breakdown and total anarchy be far behind? How will we survive? I will continue to report as long as the beet rations hold out.

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Comrade Lurch, your blessing is much appreciated. May Darwin be with you. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow, for I have a long tractor drive ahead of me as I generate media attention for myself and my cause.

When I think of how much I care, the humility makes me giddy.

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Comrade Blogunov,

You should be seen (and video taped) struggling to change a flat tractor tire somewhere in the wilderness. Snakes and wolves circling within pouncing distance would be a nice touch. Shed a few tears...Oh, and scream "The Children! The Children!" frequently. That should do it.

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Captain Craptek wrote:Comrade Blogunov,

You should be seen (and video taped) struggling to change a flat tractor tire somewhere in the wilderness. Snakes and wolves circling within pouncing distance would be a nice touch. Shed a few tears...Oh, and scream "The Children! The Children!" frequently. That should do it.

Yes.... yes, I like it...


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Days three and four. The Tour of Pain™ has suffered a setback or two.

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This should have never happened in the fundamentally changed AmeriKa.
Just days into the REPUBLICAN CAUSED MAN MADE DISASTER our heroic public servants are being reduced to begging for scraps of food out in the streets like dogs.


Vital government national security services like listening into the phone calls of horny teenagers
chik fil a board meetings extremist teabagging terrorist plots to take away the state given right of free healthcare for millions billions of our fellow citizens now lies dormant. Unfunded.


The hearts of these reckless and irresponsible legislative arsonists is colder than a Siberian gulag, Comrades. The decent into total neo-con anarchist hell on Gaia has begun.

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From our friend Sunny:

Rant of a non-essential government worker