The Dark Truths Behind Rudolph

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The final nail in the holiday magic's coffin,
by our friend and contributor Marion DS Dreyfus

Stunning. A close scrutiny of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer reveals hitherto unsuspected political shenanigans, even…sordid plots unworthy of our Stars & Stripes republic.

Think for a moment, then carefully parse the meaning behind the seemingly innocent:

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Rudy began life, went through his educational and young adult years as a Conservative, one of the Red voters. Could he be a slightly colorized Tea Partier or, heaven forefend, a Stosselite libertarian?

Had a very shiny nose

He used no make-up, no powder or medicaments to matte down the healthy but unwanted sheen of his prominent proboscis. He was bold in his assertions, unafraid of his commitment. He was, in the parlance of the day, Out There. He would take no guff before his time. Or during. Or, of course, sort of after.

And if you ever saw him

How, indeed, could people fail to note him? He was, he is, in the van of the sleigh animals, his crimson protuberant coloration a beacon hard to miss. Or <meaningful pause> does this refer, instead, to the rest of the reindeer endeavoring to hide or camouflage him, because he “was different” and it suited them to make him a disappeared deer, a quasi Rudyrein sleigh cohort? After all: His singularity assured them, the rest of the prancing and dancing and Vixens and Blixens, that, just maybe, people might not really even notice. In the hurly burly and tohu-bohu of the season and the NORAD tracking data, who but the likes of ace detective Monk would note the absence of one roseate-hued nose, dear?

You would even say it glows

Here is dark mischief, indeed. Is this a reference to secret weaponry? To unacknowledged GOP planning in Fourth Amendment terms? Is there an inkling, here, of radiation, thus, atomic and nuclear development thus far secreted from the mass of the other reindeer? Fie.

All of the other reindeer

It is clear from this line, and the next,

Used to laugh and call him names

that despite the sleighmeister's best [assumed] efforts, Rudy is the butt of massive bullying, 7 or 8 to one, a thoroughly dispiriting phenomenon, made all the worse by its being perpetrated not in the schoolyard or locker-room, but in the north pole, and in the troposphere, at least for much of the sleigh's appointed rounds.

Reminding one: Has anyone taken up his case? Has there been a Facebook page dedicated to alerting the world of his frightening predicament? Is there a Twitter account that can wrest sympathy from some of the millions that crave contact with Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez or the triple Ks' (Kadashian three)? And for that matter, has the Hawaiian Holiday Man claimed Rudolph as probably his own reindeer, endearing his image to all and sundry? If Rudolph were claimed by the current White house inhabitant as “the way their reindeer would look” (…if they celebrated Christmas, which dependable reportage reveals they don't) “if they had a reindeer”?

If they have not yet done so, we would hasten to counsel them: Do it now. Save the Red-Nosed under”dog” from the annual and clearly ceaseless abuses of the Donners and goners of this fleet of flamboyant flyers.

Further thought produces more disturbing evidence of abuse. What kinds of “names' did they call him? Were they/are they, names so terrible they can only be hinted at with initials, such as R-----------? Or C-----? Or words the letters of which have not (shudder) yet been assigned and indicated in the realms of the perfectly correct?

The mind reels. What does Rudy do in response to this egregious series of assaults?
Every cut of this popular air so beloved of tots and their adult caretakers presents offensive and almost heinous scenarios, all of which have gone entirely under the radar for so lamentably long.

They never let poor Rudolph

So he is disadvantaged financially, in addition to being made mock of consistently by non-radiating colleagues. Has the Aid to Dependent Children been informed? Does he warrant an Obama-phone? Or maybe a few, since his parents, if they are still among us, live in the Far frigid North, and the minutes are eaten up rather swiftly with those distance calls? Is he still on the parental insurance policy, to alleviate his lamentable lack of resources? Is he, for that matter, even under 26? No one knows. The government has few programs established that could reliably check on his true age. Nor, for the record, would it make that much of a never-mind, since the efficacy of the government's systems are still very much, like Rudy himself, up in the air. Wouldn't Rudolph be a prime target for all the redistributive schemes set out by the present Administration, as he clearly labors so heavily under the numerous disadvantages of colorism (red), namism (unspecified) and poverty?

Play in any reindeer games

So tragic. He is unable to join his crew in Sochi for the Olympics. (Comet and Dasher are favorites to win gold, but Cupid and Prancer are training hard, and might take the bronze, especially in the long pull and the chimney toss.) Rudy probably won't even qualify for the Special Olympics, either, though that is pretty clearly where he belongs, given his multiple deficits. And is there here also a hint of Jennifer Lawrence coming to the rescue, perhaps, of course, with her bow? Her response to our direct question: “Reindeer, shmeindeer, as long as he loves his archers.” Maybe she meant arches.

Then one foggy Christmas day

An obscurantist's dream. The runt of the litter, the one Republican member of the team, is confronted on a day when visibility was sub-optimal. Like so many insurance policies of 2012. The plot thickens.

Santa came to say

A Talmudic principle can here be invoked: Question, question to get to the Socratic fundament of what's going on. Who dat? We haven't heard of this guy until now. What are his credentials? What's his deal here? Where does he come in, and what's his cut? It is likely that Santa is a bastardization of sancta, holy or sanctified. Or, in the transpositional style of the Oprah, perhaps Santa began as Panta, since the velvet-garbed one has been pictured as roly and poly, and shortness of breath is often an accompaniment of the overweight. But over the decades, the “p” was sibilized, and the plosive was dropped, leading to Santa instead.

More important: Was this Santa appointed as a recess Pere Noel, or in suitably adjudicated congressional session?

"Rudolph with your nose so bright"

Here the sovereign of the sleigh notes the carbon nose-print of the formerly hidebound reindeer. He and Mrs. Claus could save a bundle if, instead of Con Ed, they were to utilize the radiant wattage of this formerly ignored and maligned reindeer.
Is Santa in loco presidio asking if Rudy is within the limits of the “curly light bulbs” (CFRs) we are forced to endure, or is his honker ‘grandfathered in' to permit simple rosy incandescence?

"Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

So Rudy is finally recognized. Will he get minimum wage, or is he exempt, and due a stipend because now he'll be a Federal employee? The record is somewhat hazy and under-defined. But it is certain Rudy has just gotten a major up-profile promotion. Is Santa overstepping his executive authority here, in his presumption that he can, in fact, ask Rudy to take point on the sleigh-haul franchise?

Then all the reindeer loved him

Now the worm has turned. The others see where the handwriting is, and they welcome the sanctified presumed convert to their midst. The White house press corps rendering hallelujahs to the Nouveau Rouge. Now they are safe in rubbing him up, now El Jefe Rojo has handed out his imprimatur.

As they shouted out in glee

Yeah yeah. Are they high? Have they so soon eviscerated the recent trials by fire to which they put this sweet deer in such high dudgeon? Are they, maybe, getting a kickback, that they're all making such a fuss all of a sudden? What's the pharmaco-nutraceutical source of this “glee”?

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer -"

Typical. Now they clutch him to their breasts, since he has the royal signet. Or are they subtly warning us, yet one more time, that this is a dangerous Red State radical?

"- You'll go down in history…"

We assume that's a compliment, a feathery encomium. Fame. History books. But what if, instead, it is the angry expletive-substitute for their loathing, and they are instead cursing him. He will go down in history, like Kathy Griffin last New Year's. Or like the Market after an uninterrupted ascent for too many heady days.

These are the careful musings of a panel of NSA analysts hard at work crunching the data that has been flooding into their HQ for the past 5 years. It is the latest 411 on the troubling etiology of the red-nosed, sable-hued holiday ruminant. It is incumbent on the favored deer to do his ethical best, despite the commercial success he has come into so unexpectedly. He travels fastest who travels with red-diness.

Stay tuned.

Thanks to Johnny Marks (1909–1985), who composed the song for Montgomery Ward in 1939.

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How long can you not notice the obvious? Rudolph, the Tea Party reindeer!


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Comrades, there is a LOT more to this story than we've been told...

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What's wrong in having a red nose?

I am working on an experiment to cross breed a raindeer with a circus clown, as I, General Stabbin, believe that the revolution must continue with a red nose.Experiments will be concluded soon at my capital in Bruchelees, here in Soviet Europia.

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Bob Dylan and Kermit the Frog are glad Christmas is over. They'll just have to live the rest of the year in horror that it may happen again 12 months later.

Next on their list of songs, I believe, is I'm So Glad Tax Day Is Over.

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But wait! There's more!!!


Our NSA affiliates believe they have tracked down the original song, from an elementary school playground in Decatur, IL. :

Rudolph the red gun reindeer
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would even turn and run

All of the other reindeer
Used to cry and call him names
They never let poor rudolph
Shoot them in their reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your gun so bright,
Won't you shoot my wife tonight?"

Then all the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the red gun reindeer,
You'll go down in history (like Hitler)
You'll go down in history!"

I think we've pretty much proven the vile, right-leaning intentions of this vile creature.

Rest assured the diminuitive hate criminals involved in this ugly display of the brainwashing they are getting from "family" and "church"....are now digging post-holes in the Siberian permafrost.