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Supreme Court strikes down State Homicide laws

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A novel defense by a Tennessee man has had an unexpected effect, resulting in a U.S. Supreme Court decision that has effectively nullified almost every murder conviction in every state of the union.

The new and far-reaching court finding has sent State Attorneys General across the country into panic mode, as inmates all over the land anticipate imminent release from prison, and many victims cower in fear of retribution.

In a 5-to-4 vote, the Supreme Court has overturned 2012 triple murder conviction of Lawrence Stevens of Agnew, Tennessee, after the defendant used new antidiscrimination laws to "normalize" murder as a protected behavior. Stevens, who was sentenced to death for a 2010 murder of three during a convenience store robbery, used what a disheartened State attorney called the "redefining deviancy downward" tactic.

Laws traditionally ban discrimination in commerce based on a "state of being" that is beyond ones control, such as, race or national origin. Such antidiscrimination laws have been upheld under the Commerce Clause of the Constitution despite objections that such laws impinge on individual liberties of others, such as, freedom of association.

Mr. Stevens, however, based his successful appeal upon the newest generation of laws that outlaw discrimination based on one's choice of behavior, such as, cross-dressing or homosexual activities. He expanded the interpretation of "protected behavior" to include any compulsive urges, such as an urge to redistribute someone else's property, and to act in self-defense when facing unwarranted resistance that is motivated by lower instincts, such as greed.

Mr. Stevens's attorney, Howard Pigworth, cited a prior Supreme Court antidiscrimination ruling that “there is no room for Freedom of Religion in commerce," concluding that, by the same token, any widely interpreted "protected behavior" must supersede other citizens' remaining constitutional rights, such as their rights to life and property. "Any killing resulting from defense of illegitimate property rights is not by definition 'murder'," he argued. The Court had no choice but to agree, formulating their decision as "There is no room for rights to life and property in commerce."

Mr. Pigworth, who stands to be awarded by the court millions of dollars in legal fees from the State of Tennessee for his actions on behalf of his indigent client, has stated, "If murder is a protected behavior under the new generation of antidiscrimination laws, it stands to reason theft is an equally protected commercial activity and that all such convictions shall be overturned too."

Progressive activists and politicians hailed this decision as "the greatest prison reform in decades," urging legislatures to spend billions of dollars in anticipated savings on innovative social programs, such as, midnight soccer or free cell phones for newly legalized drug dealers.

In an unrelated case, the Supreme Court has also upheld California's new ban on private ownership of firearms that were not available at the time of the adoption of the Constitution. Offering an innovative interpretation of the 14th Amendment, the Justices have extended the ban to all states, citing the equal protection clause as the basis for their ruling.

Reported from Tennessee by Comrade Larry, the People's Cube special correspondent.

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Oh good comrade, Hillary will not need to pardon herself for any murders especially if it ever happened in Benghazi.

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Glorious news, comrades!

In Europe, we're working on similar laws allowing muslim men to blow themselves up in public. After all, it's what men in muslim cultures do when they've had a bad day, so who are we to criminalise this behaviour?

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Minitrue wrote:Glorious news, comrades!

In Europe, we're working on similar laws allowing muslim men to [highlight=#ffff00]blow themselves up in public.[/highlight] After all, it's what men in muslim cultures do when they've had a bad day, so who are we to criminalise this behaviour?

Komrade Minitrue, are you speaking of the explosion involving gunpowder and wires or the explosion involving tearing fabric and teenage girls?

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Glorious comrade Stierlitz,

Good idea! I had forgotten about the many possible meanings of the word "blow" and "blow up". In Newspeak ™ there will be no synonyms so no ambiguity... If it only were next tuesday already!

After your suggestion the laws will be amended to also include "molesting and groping" since it is also a form of cultural expression.

Greetings,

Minitrue

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Is this somehow related to the "musicality" story I recently read?



 
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