News Flash: Iranian Nuclear Independence Day Announcement

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Comrade Tovarich, Associated Oppress

Dateline: Evin Prison, Iran - Unnamed and expired student sources held in custody for their own safety have made public the following announcement concerning Iranian Nuclear Independence celebrations. The White House and Iranian Presidential Palace meant to keep this information under wraps to give their respective citizens a delightful surprise. With the help of the CIA and FBI, Iranian forces have stopped the continuation of these dangerous leaks.

While the exact date remains unknown, it was revealed on New Year's Day that Iranian Nuclear Independence Day is set for 2010 IC (infidel calendar). In a show of multicultural solidarity and ecological concern, leaders from countries from around the world will arrive in Iran for the ceremony, which will follow the first successful underground explosion of a nuclear green peace bomb. Out of respect for Iran's diverse geography and weather, the ceremony will be held in Tabriz in summer; Bandar Abbas, in winter. Prevention of War, Dar-al-Islam Energy Resistance (POWDER) closet cabinet member Muhammad Ali (no relation to the American boxer) reportedly said. On report of this reported saying, Mr. Ali was reported to have been taken for "a long drive" for "health reasons" due to "overwork" in bringing the international community together.

The actual test location will be revealed just hours in advance. Only Mohammed El-Baradei of the IAEA will be informed of the precise underground test facility location, to which he will be taken; 72 heads of state will be invited to fly to the ceremony location. Each dignitary will toast the imminent accomplishment with a glass of heavy water flavored in traditional Persian manner with attar of damask rose. Each dignitary will then be given a gilded "Virgin Pie" Geiger counter, based on the "Cutie Pie" units left behind by the Shah's researchers, and provided a jet to fly to any location within the country to provide a bit of multilateral levity. This treasure hunt for the missing uranium will be named after the popular children's book Where's Waldo? and suggest how, like a child, nuclear power is inherently innocent: "Where's Uranus?" Dignitaries will have to look hard, as their time will be short: They will be summoned back to the ceremony site 15 minutes before the test.

The ceremony will involve the cutting of a green ribbon, green symbolic of both Islam and environmental concern. In a show of cross-cultural understanding, Stars of David and Israeli flags will be set alight with sparklers. All dignitaries will remove their shoes, in deference to local custom, and be provided with prostrate greeters, re-educated student and civilian protesters, on whom to stand lest they soil they own feet. The French delegate will at this point apologize for France's final above-ground testing in the Pacific and acknowledge Iran's proactive environmental concern by testing underground; the Russian and Chinese delegates will be congratulated on their pioneering work.

In recognition of his recent Nobel Peace Prize, President Obama will cut the ribbon after apologizing for his country's belligerent imperialistic use of nuclear weapons, although he will admit that each person who helped make the decisions back then was, like his grandmother, a "typical white person." Once the test has been successfully completed and announced via Mr. El-Baradei or Mr. Blix as well as cameras and seismometers, President Obama will present to President Ahmadinejad a check, in the "note" blank for which will be written "For jizya," for $1 trillion on behalf of the developed world to:

1) further Iranian development of nuclear energy for peaceful purposes
2) atone for past, present, and future transgressions against Islam
3) prevent protesters from interfering with the development of Iranian technologies
4) help Iran strengthen its cross-cultural ties
5) promote this and other Iranian green initiatives
6) give Iran additional assistance in weening itself off ecocidal fossil fuels.

Out of deference to the Islamic science underlying all Western technology, Mr. El-Baradei will initiate the test by standing beside the test unit and lighting a fuse. The fuse will trigger an analog-to-digital converter that will detonate the sample using a uniquely Iranian combination of international methods; namely, Russian, Pakistani, and North Korean. Provided with a nuclear blast deflection suit, Mr. El-Baradei will duck and cover then be the first to announce the test's success. Should Mr. El-Baradei's suit fail, Hans Blix will make the announcement by proxy. Any visiting dignitaries whose "Virgin Pie" Geiger counters detected the correct facility will be applauded and later paraded through the streets of Tehran.

On conclusion of the test and ceremony, visiting dignitaries will fly home, their planes accompanied by jet fighters of the Iranian Air Force providing protection. At the request of President Obama, his Iranian fighter escort will alter course over occupied Iraq eventually to enter Israeli airspace and drop word of Iran's achievement.

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Gosh, do you suppose Chairman Obama will also soon announce the existence of a secret Iranian program to create nuclear-powered cars? And that many of these vehilces may have been surrepetitiously imported into western nations to help with the global warming problem? And do you suppose that in gratitude for this magnanimous gesture, Chairman Obama will write another check for one trillion to our friends in Iran? This is the kind of wonderful suprise we have come to expect from all our new friends ever since Obama's "NOT BUSH" policies have changed the world's attitudes about us. And this is the kind of wonderful response we have come to expect from Chairman Obama to the world's new outpouring of love towards Amerikka. Ahhh, life is so much better with Obama in charge.

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Comrade Opiate,

As surely applies to yourself and others in the Party, our Hopes remain high for such progressive Change.

Subsequent releases have claimed that Ali Muhammad, the Eleventh-and-one-halfth Imam, will vibrate in and out of occlusion until the message has been dropped on Israel, at which point the Twelfth Imam will show up in a shower of radium confetti after a ball drop not unlike that in Times Square. The naturally radioactive confetti will save lighting costs, glow green, obviate the need for UN inspector travel, and prevent the production of vast quantities of CO2. Magic has benefits, comrades!

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But Comrade, does not the Quran state that when the last Imam shows up, the refs will call a penalty for Twelve Imams on the Field? It is written this penalty may be averted by having one Imam run to the sidelines before the ball starts dropping. Scripture is somewhat ambiguous on this point.

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Comrade Opiate,

A very valid point. Since my Islamic knowledge is not commercial-grade religious opiate quality, I have begun the process of applying for Federal grants to study Islamic studies at Al Azhar University in Cairo. I prefer, of course, to bring Al Azhar U. here to share its international outlook, one less tainted by decadent imperialist and individualist thought.

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Thanks for the memories Comrade_Tovarich. Duck and Cover was a weekly drill in Elementary School. The siren would go off and we would duck under our desks for cover (like that would protect us from a nuclear blast). Especially Baltimore with it's close proximity to D.C.? Still it was fun and it broke up the day.

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When I was in high school in Jersey City, NJ, in the late 60s, one of the teachers told us that JC was ground zero for a Soviet missle. Due to it's proximity to NYC and the then-still-industrial northeast NJ, a rocket aimed at our high school would take most of those out. I don't know if he really had any inside knowledge of this or was just making inferences, but a lot of the class spent the rest of the day looking out of the window up into the sky.

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Ahhhh the good old days. The threat of nuclear war was very real. It was always good for your current girlfriend;” But baby, we might all be gone tomorrow.” I remember October of ‘62. Many of our younger Comrades may not know that we were within minutes of an all out nuclear exchange with the Soviet Union. I had just a glance at the transcript of a call J.F.K. made to Nikita Krushchev, but I still remember most of it:

John F. Kennedy;
“Get me that damn shoe banger on the Red Phone. You heard me right, yes the Red Phone!
Hello? Nikita is that you? I don't give a damn what he's doing. Tell him it's Kennedy on the Red Phone....................................................................................................................................

Nikita? Good, we need to talk. Why am I calling on the Red Phone? I'll tell you why, I'm pissed. That's why! I mean damn, Nikki! It wasn't enough you backed that tin pot dictator Castro to take over Cuba. Do you know how many millions that cost me and Papa Joe? No, not Joe Stalin. My father Joe Kennedy. He's still busting my balls for letting that happen. I could have used that money for my last campaign.

Anyway, damn where was I? Oh yes and now you're putting up missile sites in Cuba. For crying out loud Nikki! I've got Congressmen throwing chairs out their windows and screaming;”Come and get me you Commie Bastards.” And most of them are hiding under their desks. The shit's hitting the fan here Nikki and I got the nod from both houses to do whatever I got to do.

Watch your language there Nikki! You're not talking to Dick Nixon here buddy. You're talking to THE KENNEDY. Hell, it's like I'm King around here. Can you say Camelot? That's better. Hell you're lucky I'm even giving you this call. I'm a Made Man Nikki. I was Made the second I was born.

What am I going to do? Well there's an answer for that Nikki and I've already done it. Everything we've got is heading your way buddy and they'll reach their Fail Safe points in about three minutes. Stop banging your shoe Nikki! That's not going to get us anywhere. Oh and if they don't get their recall codes by the time they reach those Fail Safes, their orders are to proceed to targets.

What? The People's Radar? Sorry Nikki, those pilots are trained to fly those planes about 60 feet off the ground. Maybe some of your comrades will be able to hit them with some hammers or sickles as their jet exhaust cooks the chickens in the barnyard.

Retaliation? Really? I've got some Generals here that have assured me that each of those planes is carrying several large cans of whupp-ass. No, we're not going to spank your donkey. You really need a better interpreter Nikki. We're going to bomb your asses clear to China! I haven't seen Generals this happy since we nuked Japan. Oh, forgot about that? Did we? Sure, go check with your boys. I'll hold ........................................................................................................

Less than two minutes Nikki. Make a deal? What have you got in mind? You'll give us Cuba and what? Give you Hawaii? If it were up to me I'd say yes. It would get the old man off my back, but the Generals are saying we may need Hawaii if North Korea or China starts some shit.

Anything else? The clock is ticking Nikki. Huh? You'll pull all your missiles out of Cuba, but it's all hands off your boy Castro? You know we'll have to mess with him a little bit. Just to make it look good. That's OK? Great! I'll send the recall codes. You too Nikita. Have a nice day................................. I need a drink!"

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It warms the cockles, which I believe are class-free, of my heart to hear these stories, especially Comrade Grigori's suave deployment of MAD. Superb!

While a junior or senior high school student, I recall watching some court program, probably "The People's Court," in which a troubled lad had been arrested for intoxicants, fighting, and other crimes. His justification was that since we're all going to die in a nuclear war, it was every man for himself and rules no longer applied. Of course, it was Reagan's fault then, but since he's passed away, it's now Bush's fault. Always and forever. Until the next Republican or Libertarian President, perish the thought.

Perhaps it is a false memory, but I swear that I watched "Duck and Cover" on a film reel shown against a whitescreen pulled down over a blackboard in the early '70s in elementary school in Dixie. I know for certain that I had tornado drills in various states in my youth where we got under desks, so I might be confusing things.

I was enough of a cynic that in my high school town, allegedly a "triple-A" target for the Soviets, that I occasionally hoped they'd prove it. However, it was aerial attacks from Gaia, not the Kremlin, who did us the most damage in the end.

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Comrades, another relic of the glorious Cold War years was the fallout shelter. In the late 50s and early 60s, almost every sturdy public building with a basement was stocked with some water and food, and outside there was a black and yellow sign that said "Shelter" and showed the capacity of same in pasted-on numbers. I often wondered if the siren went off and someone ran to the nearest shelter whose capacity was 45 people and he was number 46, would he be required to find another shelter that could take him. How could he know for sure where such a shelter was? Would there be enough time to accomplish this before the missle hit? [Sigh] Excuse me, I am starting to tear up with poignant nostalgia-like emotions....

I still occasionally see one of those signs inadvertently left up on some abandoned building and it evokes those glorious memories of my youth. But, thanks to Chairman Obama's tacit encouragement of global nuclear parity (Why should Amerikka have more bombs than any other nation? That's unfair!) we may have a chance to relive those beautiful bygone days of fallout shelters past!

Ah, who am I kidding, Obama don't care if a bunch of Yankee proles get nuked. It just means there's more healthcare funding for whoever's left.