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Marshall Pupovich Memorial Show Trial

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Comrades, I am invoking the authority vested in me as the powerful and influential Komissar of Reeducation and recent convert to the Religion of Peace to sit as judge over the Marshall Pupovich Memorial Show Trial.
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Bring forth the infidel capitalist pig-dogs in our midst, expose them to the Collective, and let the denunciations begin!

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Once the accused have been decapitated by shovel whacking, found guilty, and given a fair trial, we will rejoice that we have purged the Collective and restored it to its ideological purity.

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Great, just great....

As if there wasn't enough to do at the morgue with the ACA mandates kicking in. What are you trying to do, make me earn my public worker pension?

I remain,
Dr. Chicago

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What, what? A show trial???Is it more show, or more trial? I must buy a new set of overalls!

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Rumors are that in his final hours, Marshal Pupovich, who theretofore had alwasy been a loyal anti-individualism member of the Collective's inner circle, backslid into individualistic thought when he repudiated the wisdom of the ObamaCare Death Panel by saying to its implementors his physicians, "I want to live!"

Perhaps at the end of this show-trial, we will be able to correct history and record his innocence by documenting his final words as having been, "It's my duty to die for the betterment of the collective." Then it will be proper for us to posthumously add an additional "martyr" medal to the countless medals he so proudly wore.

--Doctor Obama

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Doctor Obama - I understand the trial is not over Marshall, but dedicated to his memory and, perhaps, with him presiding in spirit, his Marshall's hat in the middle of the judges' table.

My first impulse is to denounce you, Doctor Obama, and put you on trial - except that you have cleverly chosen your non-stick teflon handle and the avatar. So I'll let it slide, lest we create a perception of denouncing Dear Leader.

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Dr. Chicago wrote:Great, just great....

As if there wasn't enough to do at the morgue with the ACA mandates kicking in. What are you trying to do, make me earn my public worker pension?

I remain,
Dr. Chicago
Esteemed Doctor of the People, once we have converted the enemies of the state to plant fertilizer (thus saving you a little effort), we'll be able to increase the number of eligible voters for the next show election to follow the show trial. Once again, we'll outdo that amateur, Kim Jong Un, who gets a measly 100% of votes in his show elections.

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Red Square wrote:...I understand the trial is not over Marshall, but dedicated to his memory and, perhaps, with him presiding in spirit, his Marshall's hat in the middle of the judges' table...
With permission from His Equalness, I humbly suggest that in a celebratory show of diversity that all who are called to testify be sworn in on a Qur'an or on the Marshall's iconic farazhka.

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Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:...I must buy a new set of overalls!
Buy? New? Overalls? Is it not good enough to wait until after the trial when some gently used overalls will become available (after submitting the necessary paperwork to the necessary levels of administration in the necessary government departments)? Some washing may be necessary.

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Good Lenin, I hope there is a government subsidy for show trials, there are expenses to be padded funded, someone has to cater the champagne room judges chambers, so much to do, and the guilty bastard is already gone!

Whatever happened to a fair trial and a fine hangin'? Nothing!

Its still policy at the People's Cube!

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The motto of this glorious show trial should be

"Whom would Pupovich denounce?"

The purge will be followed by raffle and baked beet sale. The after-party behind the tractor barn as usual. Party members only.

P.S. The initial announcement has now been properly modified by the Dept. of Visual Agitation.

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I also suggest, following the glorious Motherland's tradition of posthumous rehabilitation, to clear Marshall Pupovich of all prior trumped-up charges and convictions, and instead bring the same charges against his former accusers. Do your research, comrades!

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I denounce Ivan the stakhanovets for the murder and impersonation of esteemed comrade Tovarichi!

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Red Square wrote:P.S. The initial announcement has now been properly modified by the Dept. of Visual Agitation.
Peace be upon the brothers at the DVA.

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Thought Sheriff wrote:I denounce Ivan the stakhanovets for the murder and impersonation of esteemed comrade Tovarichi!
Well done, Thought Sheriff. Our first defendant has been duly and properly denounced according to established protocol. Stakhanovets will now stand patiently before the tribunal while we await further denunciations. Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.

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Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.
Seeing as I was the last person in the collective to denounce Pupovich, I would like to take full responsibility for doing so and give it to Pinkie for not stopping me. Can't you see that I am the victim here?

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A new level of freedom should be offered to all potential members.
After they have undergone the initiation ceremony and are decapitated, they are free to do whatever they want.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Thought Sheriff wrote:I denounce Ivan the stakhanovets for the murder and impersonation of esteemed comrade Tovarichi!
Well done, Thought Sheriff. Our first defendant has been duly and properly denounced according to established protocol. Stakhanovets will now stand patiently before the tribunal while we await further denunciations. Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.

Blogunov, feel free to denounce yourself, you are whining like an overfed squirrel! I have survived show trial here, and kept what shreds of honor and self importance I have left... Tovarichi served his purpose while in the witness protection program.

Speaking of overfed squirrels, I denounce Craptek for his conspiratorial intent to commit acts of beastiality with Comrade Putout...

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Ivan Betinov wrote:
Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.
Seeing as I was the last person in the collective to denounce Pupovich, I would like to take full responsibility for doing so and give it to Pinkie for not stopping me. Can't you see that I am the victim here?
While I normally encourage a victim mentality (we know how well that works, and the Proles never, ever learn), I must point out that Pinkie is unavailable for denunciation. In fact, she's sharpening her shovel as we speak since she's the executor of the People's Wrath for this trial. I mean, if we denounce her, then who's left to administer justice?

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Ivan Betinov wrote:
Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.
Seeing as I was the last person in the collective to denounce Pupovich, I would like to take full responsibility for doing so and give it to Pinkie for not stopping me. Can't you see that I am the victim here?

I concur. Ivan is quite clearly a victim, here. Besides which, decapitation would seem to be a somewhat cruel and unusual punishment for a brain in a jar. Particularly for the individual who would be compelled volunteering to be his surrogate.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Ivan Betinov wrote:
Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.
Seeing as I was the last person in the collective to denounce Pupovich, I would like to take full responsibility for doing so and give it to Pinkie for not stopping me. Can't you see that I am the victim here?
While I normally encourage a victim mentality (we know how well that works, and the Proles never, ever learn), I must point out that Pinkie is unavailable for denunciation. In fact, she's sharpening her shovel as we speak since she's the executor of the People's Wrath for this trial. I mean, if we denounce her, then who's left to administer justice?

As I'm sure you're well aware, comrade, Justice™ is relative. Relative to what the Party™ decides is Justice™.

I denounce you for having so little Faith™ in the Party™.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Dr. Chicago wrote:Great, just great....

As if there wasn't enough to do at the morgue with the ACA mandates kicking in. What are you trying to do, make me earn my public worker pension?

I remain,
Dr. Chicago
Esteemed Doctor of the People, once we have converted the enemies of the state to [highlight=#FFFF00]plant fertilizer[/highlight] (thus saving you a little effort), we'll be able to increase the number of eligible voters for the next show election to follow the show trial. Once again, we'll outdo that amateur, Kim Jong Un, who gets a measly 100% of votes in his show elections.

Komissar,

If there's any fertilizer left over I'll be more than happy to haul it away for my The People's™ community mulch pile. Just a thought - never mind.

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote: Speaking of overfed squirrels, I denounce Craptek for his [highlight=#ffff00]conspiratorial intent to commit acts of beastiality[/highlight] with Comrade Putout...
And I denounce Comrade Ivan the Stakhanovets for this arrant speciesism.

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Denunciation Scoreboard (According to the Current Truth™ of Thursday, 1-8-2015, 8:26am):

Ivan the Stakhanovets - 2
Self - 1.5 (I'm not sure if Ivan actually denounced me or if it was the hypothermia speaking)
Pinkie - 1
Craptek - 1

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I fully denounce you, Blugunov, and again for your manufacturing of data that indicates in any way that I am more equal than my comrades! Check the dangling CHADs and toss out the military absentee ballots, Mister...Redistribute those numbers and try again.

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Red Square wrote:The motto of this glorious show trial should be

"Whom would Pupovich denounce?"

The purge will be followed by raffle and baked beet sale. The after-party behind the tractor barn as usual. Party members only.

P.S. The initial announcement has now been properly modified by the Dept. of Visual Agitation.
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Simple: Gen. Mousey Tounge. Let's be honest....Gen. Tounge was responsible for all kinds of chaos.

ETA: I forgot Comrade Red Rooster, and Col. 7.62 as well....you know he wouldn't just denounce one person!

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I fully denounce you, Blugunov, and again for your manufacturing of data that indicates in any way that I am more equal than my comrades! Check the dangling CHADs and toss out the military absentee ballots, Mister...Redistribute those numbers and try again.

It's a good idea. I selflessly and willingly redistribute my denunciations since, as judge for this trial, there might be a conflict of interest. Therefore, the scorecard has been updated to...
Ivan the Stakhanovets - 3
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt - 3
Each denunciation carries with it a minimum lifetime sentence, and while neither of you might attain to three lifetime sentences, we will only ask you to give it your best effort.
Now, some cynic might say, "Hey, you just denounced the former comrades who denounced you and let the others off!" Well, consider yourselves Boehnered.

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Comrades,
A most excellent parsing of the word bo'ner!!!!

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Good Comrade Blogunov, I'm puzzled.

Pupovich is on trial, I denounce you and a horny squirrel, you become judge, the squirrel doesn't even get honorable mention, and I'm up for the triple life purge?

Did I produce a YouTube video in this process?

If Krasnodar sobers up anytime soon, I want him as counsel for my defense. Not that he knows due process from Shinola, but he has that supply of vodka ration cards that are not quite accounted for but should be used expeditiously before the next inventory cycle.

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Ivan Betinov wrote:
Priority, however, must be given to any who formerly denounced Dear Canine, the esteemed Marshall Pupovich.
Seeing as I was the last person in the collective to denounce Pupovich, I would like to take full responsibility for doing so and give it to Pinkie for not stopping me. Can't you see that I am the victim here?

I couldn't stop you because Congress cut funding to programs that would've allowed me to do so. You might recall that during the last government shutdown, they had to take my shovel away. They locked it in a portapotti on the Mall using twist ties, and then put an orange pylon in front of it to further deter me. Of course I blame Ted Cruz.

Granted, I do have my shovel back now, but I was so traumatized by what happened that I now require special services (to include financial reparations) that I'm not likely to receive now with the Republicans running both House and Senate. Without those services and reparations, I can't wield my shovel.

And even if I could, I fear the backlash from rightwingers if I do so. They'll dig up those old stories about the taxes they say I owe, and the time I picked up Pupovich by his ears because the Chairman thought it would make a great photo-op. I mean, it's not as if I stepped on him to fetch something off a high shelf during my incognito trip to Target, or put him in a crate on top of my station wagon. As it is, they hate me so much that they just make me want to--oh, what the hell. Heads up, Betinov!

WHACK!!!

And I suppose at the end of this, Pupovich will get a posthumous promotion while I get passed over YET AGAIN!!!

Say what you will, Jar-Jar Brains. You can just go and soak. Because I'm the REAL victim here!

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I fear Pupovich intended to denounce me for implying that he enjoyed luxeries (far more equal that mine) about which I learned while traveling as a stoway on his Inner-Circle Jet. So, I must confess my unegalitarian envy of his more-equal status:

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--KOOK

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This seems like the French Revolution. Who are we to trust the judges?

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-oh, what the hell. Heads up, Betinov!

WHACK!!!
Seems like old times....

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:Good Comrade Blogunov, I'm puzzled.

Pupovich is on trial, I denounce you and a horny squirrel, you become judge, the squirrel doesn't even get honorable mention, and I'm up for the triple life purge?

Did I produce a YouTube video in this process?

If Krasnodar sobers up anytime soon, I want him as counsel for my defense. Not that he knows due process from Shinola, but he has that supply of vodka ration cards that are not quite accounted for but should be used expeditiously before the next inventory cycle.
My dear Ivan, I believe you have exceeded your weekly ration of beet vodka. While you're recovering your vision and the throbbing in your head begins to subside, I will courteously bring you up to speed in a soft whisper.
Dear Canine is not on trial, but rather those who have defaced his glorious memory with past denunciations. These are the worst of criminals and must be brought to justice. I have been the judge from the start of the trial. Yes, you're up for a triple life sentence once you've been found guilty.
I will rule in favor of Krasnodor as your lawyer. Make sure he knows Sharia from Shinola while he too sobers up.
There's a theory that exposure to cold helps one overcome the effects of a hangover, and you and Krasnodor will soon have the opportunity to serve the Party™ and advance the cause of science in testing that theory. I congratulate on your selfless devotion to the Great Struggle™.

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Ivan Betinov wrote:
-oh, what the hell. Heads up, Betinov!

WHACK!!!
Seems like old times....
Betinov, your brain is somewhere near the 14th hole. Pinkie was in top form, and your brain buzzed straight and level right over the sand trap. Even our Dear Leader was impressed and let her play through.

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I, Captain Craptek, Defender of the People's Nuts, do hereby denounce Komissar Ivan the Stakhanovets. I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all comrades are created equal, that they are endowed by their Government with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Comrade Putout.

That to secure these rights, collectives are instituted among persons, deriving their just powers from the consent of the Government, that when any Komissar becomes destructive of these ends, it is my right to ignore or denounce them, to protest in the streets and sulk, organizing my powers in such form as to me shall seem most likely to effect my lifestyle and personal pleasure. All experience has shown that comrades are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by denouncing the personal attacks to which they are continuously subjected. But when a long train of abuses and accusations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce me to absolute despair, it is my right, it is my duty, to throw off such Komissars, and to provide new comrades for my future enjoyment.

Such has been my patient sufferance; and such is now the necessity which constrains me to alter my former allegiance. The history of the present Komissar is a history of repeated injuries and accusations, all having in direct object the hurting of my feelings and establishment of an absolute tyranny over me. To prove this, let Facts* be submitted to a candid world.

*A document listing all offences will be submitted in quadruplicate after sentencing.

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Oh, for Marx's sake, the squirrel is wearing Putout's evening dress....I hope she's wearing more than that little patch of squirrel fur.*

*(normally I don't care what a womyn wears or doesn't, but at a show trial, a certain level of decorum is expected at least during the proceedings...)

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I am puzzled about the three life sentences. I am assuming that the first life sentence is predicated on the rapid termination of said life by bullet, knout, beheading, stoning, or whatever the People's Court deems appropriate. Will the perpetrator then be resuscitated (twice) for imposition of the second and third sentences? Or will they be applied posthumously? Dear me, these court duties are more difficult than I had supposed.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I fully denounce you, Blugunov, and again for your manufacturing of data that indicates in any way that I am more equal than my comrades! Check the dangling CHADs and toss out the military absentee ballots, Mister...Redistribute those numbers and try again.

It's a good idea. I selflessly and willingly redistribute my denunciations since, as judge for this trial, there might be a conflict of interest. Therefore, the scorecard has been updated to...
Ivan the Stakhanovets - 3
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt - 3
Each denunciation carries with it a minimum lifetime sentence, and while neither of you might attain to three lifetime sentences, we will only ask you to give it your best effort.
Now, some cynic might say, "Hey, you just denounced the former comrades who denounced you and let the others off!" Well, consider yourselves Boehnered.

I denounce your denunciation!

I'm the Kapitan of Kangaroo Kourts, here!

I've many years in the USSA JAG Corpse.

I denounce your usurpation of my experience and authority!

I'm available for counsel as soon as these trumped up charges are trumped down.

Since I'm the only Australian here, this is clearly a case of abuse of a minority group.

I denounce you for your oppression of minorities!

I denounce you for your victimization of victims!

By the time I'm done denouncing, you may be begging for the mercy of three life sentences!


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Our show trials seem to catch on!

People's Cube commissars stage mock show trial in Ferguson


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Actually, these comrades in Soviet army hats are not really members of the People's Cube, nor have they ever been. Instead, this is the most acute case of "life imitating the People's Cube" we've seen so far, especially that it happened almost simultaneously with our very own scheduled Show Trial and Raffle.

Read the rest here - https://thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog ... 15701.html

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Fhalkyn wrote:I'm not sure whom to denounce, but I am ready to watch and record the trial for Party posterior posterity.

Ah! Comrade Fhalkyn,

You've arrived just in time to witness the submission of a new charge against the accused! Bribery of a court officer - self appointed, I grant you. The proof is plain, exhibit 977.365a:

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100% Infidel wrote:Image
Simple: Gen. Mousey Tounge. Let's be honest....Gen. Tounge was responsible for all kinds of chaos.

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage ImageImageImage Where is the Kitty!!! Bring forth The Kitty!!!
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It sounds familiar, and yet so different when you say it than the last time I heard such phrase in English...

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:Image
It sounds familiar, and yet so different when you say it than the last time I heard such phrase in English...

I might be wrong here, but I think the same could be said for "Bring Richard into the Courtroom".

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RedDiaperette wrote:I am puzzled about the three life sentences.
In your case, the sentences shall be compounded for each life.

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Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I fully denounce you, Blugunov, and again for your manufacturing of data that indicates in any way that I am more equal than my comrades! Check the dangling CHADs and toss out the military absentee ballots, Mister...Redistribute those numbers and try again.

It's a good idea. I selflessly and willingly redistribute my denunciations since, as judge for this trial, there might be a conflict of interest. Therefore, the scorecard has been updated to...
Ivan the Stakhanovets - 3
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt - 3
Each denunciation carries with it a minimum lifetime sentence, and while neither of you might attain to three lifetime sentences, we will only ask you to give it your best effort.
Now, some cynic might say, "Hey, you just denounced the former comrades who denounced you and let the others off!" Well, consider yourselves Boehnered.

I denounce your denunciation!

I'm the Kapitan of Kangaroo Kourts, here!

I've many years in the USSA JAG Corpse.

I denounce your usurpation of my experience and authority!

I'm available for counsel as soon as these trumped up charges are trumped down.

Since I'm the only Australian here, this is clearly a case of abuse of a minority group.

I denounce you for your oppression of minorities!

I denounce you for your victimization of victims!

By the time I'm done denouncing, you may be begging for the mercy of three life sentences!
But here's the rub, El Kapitan. Being judge means I can't be denounced because of the obvious conflict of interest of me exonerating myself. There's a limit to what even Western media covering this event are willing to believe. I mean, they're pretty dang gullible, but let's not push it.
Being Australian does, I'm sorry to break the news to you, mean that this trial is out of your jurisdiction.
Finally, unless you have sufficient state approved documentation to prove to the various necessary departments that you are an aboriginal kangaroo, your claim to minority status will remain invalid.

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Important Show Trial Update: The deadline for exculpatory and mitigating evidence expired yesterday. You should have known.

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Evidence? This trial has evidence? That's a damn sight better than my last show trial, hizzhonor Commodore Snoogie Woogums had some goofy policies about guilt and due process and blah blah blah....

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
But here's the rub, El Kapitan. Being judge means I can't be denounced because of the obvious conflict of interest of me exonerating myself. There's a limit to what even Western media covering this event are willing to believe. I mean, they're pretty dang gullible, but let's not push it.

Komissar al-Blogunov, who did you bribe for you're position?

This is the 2nd time I'm forced to denounce you for lack of faith in The Party™ apparatus!

It's no wonder you have no faith in Party™ Justice™! You have no faith in the ability of the media lap-dogs to report Accurately™ on the Justice™ system. And you, a judge!

Being Australian does, I'm sorry to break the news to you, mean that this trial is out of your jurisdiction.

As a defector, I claim special consideration and exemption from these proceedings in light of my international propaganda value

Finally, unless you have sufficient state approved documentation to prove to the various necessary departments that you are an aboriginal kangaroo, your claim to minority status will remain invalid.


If it's good enough for Deer Leader...........I think this should be sufficient:

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Ivan, evidence? Evidence?!?! We don't need no stinkin evidence. We have the happy keepers!!!!

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Important Show Trial Update: The deadline for exculpatory and mitigating evidence expired yesterday. You should have known.

As you know, comrade, rules are made to be, shall we say..........amended, in light of new and invented emerging evidence that could be seen as compromising the integrity of certain Komissars and/or judges.

With my years of experience in the USSA JAG Corpse, a little digging has helped me to manufacture uncover evidence that could pose problems for a certain Komissar, if it ever got into the hands of one of those media lap-dogs that you have so little faith in.

I'm sure there would be no bias on the part of any "journalist" regarding evidence relating to a scandal involving a certain Komissar who just happened to be so disparaging of his or her jealously guarded professional integrity. No bias, at all. Just a dogged pursuit of Truth™.

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Pяog Oй: Al-Salaam Aleiqum, I found a 6th century solution for the show trial that our Misloooom comrades came up with. Mob injustice justice and riots!! Pillage, slaughter, and destroy everything along with the guilty and the innocent!! Prog Off.

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Fhalkyn wrote:I'm not sure whom to denounce, but I am ready to watch and record the trial for Party posterior posterity.

Comrade Fhalkyn, I denounce you for disloyalty to The Party™!

I hear you're in need of legal counsel.

I'm available, for a reasonable fee.

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Comrades,

Enough of this mindless chatter! Precious time is passing without a conviction! Let's get down to business - Do we need a rope? - Who's supplying the pudding rope? - Should I bring some? - How long? - How much does Ivan weight? Never mind, I'll go home and get my own rope! BRB

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Important Show Trial Update: The deadline for exculpatory and mitigating evidence expired yesterday. You should have known.

Excuse me? There was a deadline? That's racist! I'll have you know, Komissar al-Blogunov, that the only possible reason for any deadline is to keep the poor and minorities from presenting evidence! What are you, some kind of hater?

WHACK!!!

That's for hating.

I demand the deadline be extended immediately so I have time to dispatch buses to bring in more people to present evidence.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Important Show Trial Update: The deadline for exculpatory and mitigating evidence expired yesterday. You should have known.

Excuse me? There was a deadline? That's racist! I'll have you know, Komissar al-Blogunov, that the only possible reason for any deadline is to keep the poor and minorities from presenting evidence! What are you, some kind of hater?

WHACK!!!

That's for hating.

I demand the deadline be extended immediately so I have time to dispatch buses to bring in more people to present evidence.

As one of the aforementioned minorities, I concur, comrade Pinkie.

If this is going to be a show trial, we must be allowed to put on a show!

Does the Komissar really want an angry mob of oppressed kangraoos running riot in the streets?

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Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Important Show Trial Update: The deadline for exculpatory and mitigating evidence expired yesterday. You should have known.

Excuse me? There was a deadline? That's racist! I'll have you know, Komissar al-Blogunov, that the only possible reason for any deadline is to keep the poor and minorities from presenting evidence! What are you, some kind of hater?

WHACK!!!

That's for hating.

I demand the deadline be extended immediately so I have time to dispatch buses to bring in more people to present evidence.

As one of the aforementioned minorities, I concur, comrade Pinkie.

If this is going to be a show trial, we must be allowed to put on a show!

Does the Komissar really want an angry mob of oppressed kangraoos running riot in the streets?

You dirty Showist! I'll have you know that some people have showophobia! You shouldn't be allowed to put on a show because of their sensitivity to shows! In fact, you should be the one on trial! I bet you killed Marshall Pupovich because you knew that there would be a show trial so that you could put on a show, offending and oppressing all those poor people out there with showophobia or those that have show sensitivities. C'mon, fess up! You killed Marshall Pupovich with doses of radiation designed to give him cancer so that you could offend all those with Show sensitivities!

It even shows up in the autopsy report:

"While I do not recall him complaining, the Pup suffered from a number of severe physical issues including, among others, throat cancer. Wesley passed away in his sleep on Christmas Eve, or as his nephew put it, Jesus sent him an invitation to His birthday party."

Perhaps the other "severe physical issues" were caused by radiation poisoning from you! I bet that you killed him in his sleep because the darkness of the night provided cover for you to finally give him the last of the radiation in his home. Before witnesses saw you follow him around town in a van which hummed and had radioactive placards on it. I bet you couldn't get close enough to him, you already have 627 tickets from the traffic police for tailgating, that's why you had to do the deed at night so that you couldn't be seen hauling the radioactive device and the heavy 2-yard diameter power cable to his bedroom window. I also bet that he wanted to complain but couldn't because the radioactivity started to destroy his very brain! You also did it on Christmas Eve so that his relatives would rationalize it using religion! It worked on them, but I've seen through your deception! You know very well that religion is prohibited by the state!

That's it! We have our killer! I oughta report you to Comrade Red and the KGB for the horrible oppression that you have thrown onto these poor showphobists, and to the police for killing Marshall Pupovich with not only a deadly but also a cowardly weapon!

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Nuts. My money was on Col. Mustard, in the Parlor, with a Candelabra.

Now I'll have to pay attention...

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:Nuts. My money was on Col. Mustard, in the Parlor, with a Candelabra.

Now I'll have to pay attention...

No worries Comrade Ivan, I was thinking Komissar Pinkie in the hall with a shovel, but then I had an idea while listening to People's Radio and eating soup. It also looked strange that you would want to be photographed with your killing weapon, that would just provide more evidence to the police.

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Can't...see straight (I think that's a thought crime, anyway). Vision blurrred...where am I? Who are all you people!? Why am I wearing a keffiyeh? I have a vague memory of defective kangaroos and aboriginal squirrels, and then...lights out. What...happened?

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Can't...see straight (I think that's a thought crime, anyway). Vision blurrred...where am I? Who are all you people!? Why am I wearing a keffiyeh? I have a vague memory of defective kangaroos and aboriginal squirrels, and then...lights out. What...happened?


Welcome to Next Tuesday™ Comrade Komissar. Pull up a toadstool and here, have some popcorn.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:You dirty Showist! I'll have you know that some people have showophobia! You shouldn't be allowed to put on a show because of their sensitivity to shows! In fact, you should be the one on trial! I bet you killed Marshall Pupovich because you knew that there would be a show trial so that you could put on a show, offending and oppressing all those poor people out there with showophobia or those that have show sensitivities. C'mon, fess up! You killed Marshall Pupovich with doses of radiation designed to give him cancer so that you could offend all those with Show sensitivities!

It even shows up in the autopsy report:

"While I do not recall him complaining, the Pup suffered from a number of severe physical issues including, among others, throat cancer. Wesley passed away in his sleep on Christmas Eve, or as his nephew put it, Jesus sent him an invitation to His birthday party."

Perhaps the other "severe physical issues" were caused by radiation poisoning from you! I bet that you killed him in his sleep because the darkness of the night provided cover for you to finally give him the last of the radiation in his home. Before witnesses saw you follow him around town in a van which hummed and had radioactive placards on it. I bet you couldn't get close enough to him, you already have 627 tickets from the traffic police for tailgating, that's why you had to do the deed at night so that you couldn't be seen hauling the radioactive device and the heavy 2-yard diameter power cable to his bedroom window. I also bet that he wanted to complain but couldn't because the radioactivity started to destroy his very brain! You also did it on Christmas Eve so that his relatives would rationalize it using religion! It worked on them, but I've seen through your deception! You know very well that religion is prohibited by the state!

That's it! We have our killer! I oughta report you to Comrade Red and the KGB for the horrible oppression that you have thrown onto these poor showphobists, and to the police for killing Marshall Pupovich with not only a deadly but also a cowardly weapon!

If you're looking for a job, comrade, you're hired!

I can always use an extra para(noid)legal assistant. Especially one who is so adept at manufacturing uncovering evidence.

Come see me when the show is over.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Can't...see straight (I think that's a thought crime, anyway). Vision blurrred...where am I? Who are all you people!? Why am I wearing a keffiyeh? I have a vague memory of defective kangaroos and aboriginal squirrels, and then...lights out. What...happened?

I thought you were looking a little run over down, comrade. I know Australia is lovely at this time of year so I booked you a little vacation.

No! no! No need to thank me. It's the least I could do.

I hope your accommodations are suitable. Resort bookings can often be problematic.

I did consider the Final Resort but there seems to be a waiting list.

Comrade Craptek will take very good care of you. I've informed him that if you present have any problems that he's to take care of you, as he sees fit........

Sit back. Relax. You've been far too stressed since this all began. Have some popcorn!

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I demand justice for Tovarichi! Texastani lives matter! If there is no conviction, I promise that the Retribution will shake the western world!

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Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Can't...see straight (I think that's a thought crime, anyway). Vision blurrred...where am I? Who are all you people!? Why am I wearing a keffiyeh? I have a vague memory of defective kangaroos and aboriginal squirrels, and then...lights out. What...happened?

I thought you were looking a little run over down, comrade. I know Australia is lovely at this time of year so I booked you a little vacation.

No! no! No need to thank me. It's the least I could do.

I hope your accommodations are suitable. Resort bookings can often be problematic.

I did consider the Final Resort but there seems to be a waiting list.

Comrade Craptek will take very good care of you. I've informed him that if you present have any problems that he's to take care of you, as he sees fit........

Sit back. Relax. You've been far too stressed since this all began. Have some popcorn!
Thanks, but my medical records show that I'm allergic to fierce snakes. But thanks to you and the good squirrel for the popcorn; I think it helps me recover my memory.
Is this a trial or something?
Does water really drain counter-clockwise south of the equator?

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And another thing, comrades. Being a true Progressive committed to making an issue out of everything means that when I wake up every morning afternoon, my very first thought is always, “How can I be outraged today? What is out there to offend me enough to get out of bed on a day when I don't have to go downtown to pick up my government check? How can I do my part to distract the masses?”

Since making my last post, I have decided to be offended by the world DEADLINE.

That word should be banished. It is flagrantly insensitive to our most reliable voting bloc—and since they cannot speak for themselves, we must do so on their behalf.

It should also be offensive to anyone who's ever waited in line for a government service. In other words, everybody.

The word refers to that certain point in time by which something must be accomplished. But all of you should know that in the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™ , nothing is ever really accomplished, but is always in Progress—that's why we're Progressives. Always changing, sometimes without prior notice—that's why we run on a platform of Change, and zealously guard whatever Change has been made already. Always offering Hope, for without Hope, there can be neither Change nor Progress, but most importantly no Funding to keep it going for however long it takes. And it will take just as long as there's always Funding.

Since Republicans have such a penchant for stopping things in their tracks and cutting things off, no matter the consequences, I propose we substitute a term that incorporates them in some way. Something to the effect of Repubscut or Teabaggercut or something catchy we can turn into a hashtag. Just no more of that other word, okay? Besides, I'm pretty sure it's racist, too.

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I vote GUILTY. By the way, who is on trial, and for what? I have lost track. But no matter. I still vote GUILTY ... as many times as necessary.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:And another thing, comrades. Being a true Progressive committed to making an issue out of everything means that when I wake up every morning afternoon, my very first thought is always, “How can I be outraged today? What is out there to offend me enough to get out of bed on a day when I don't have to go downtown to pick up my government check? How can I do my part to distract the masses?”

Since making my last post, I have decided to be offended by the world DEADLINE.

That word should be banished. It is flagrantly insensitive to our most reliable voting bloc—and since they cannot speak for themselves, we must do so on their behalf.

It should also be offensive to anyone who's ever waited in line for a government service. In other words, everybody.

The word refers to that certain point in time by which something must be accomplished. But all of you should know that in the Glorious World of Next Tuesday™ , nothing is ever really accomplished, but is always in Progress—that's why we're Progressives. Always changing, sometimes without prior notice—that's why we run on a platform of Change, and zealously guard whatever Change has been made already. Always offering Hope, for without Hope, there can be neither Change nor Progress, but most importantly no Funding to keep it going for however long it takes. And it will take just as long as there's always Funding.

Since Republicans have such a penchant for stopping things in their tracks and cutting things off, no matter the consequences, I propose we substitute a term that incorporates them in some way. Something to the effect of Repubscut or Teabaggercut or something catchy we can turn into a hashtag. Just no more of that other word, okay? Besides, I'm pretty sure it's racist, too.

Ah yes fellow non-fellow coexisting Progressive brother sister apparatchik! You are right, we must run on a platform of Change because we can never get the paper money from the dirty Republican'ts. But, we may not get dollar bills, but we do get plenty of Change because we promise Change. If we do not promise Change we do not get Change, you see? Therefore we must also be in a constant state of Progress and establish an air of mystery around our the party. If we even imply that we will stop Changing, we will stop getting Change, it's simple Marxian Economics (Pronounced "Martian" as the Party is simply out of this world in more ways than one). Sometimes even coexisting apparatchik don't even give money for the greater good of the party, they claim that the majority of the party is either too extensive or not extensive enough. We must unify the party and establish Glorious Groupthink™ or the party shall surely be destroyed from within. Abraham Lincoln once said "A house divided cannot stand", and before you say anything about Lincoln, remember that even a broken clock is right twice a day.

As for a name change, I say we call the enemy Reverselicans, because the Party will eternally progress forward while the enemy just wants to go backwards. This is a double-victory, as 1) it implies that they want to cut funding to the party, as in days past there was far less money in the party's hands and 2) it will both shame the enemy and glorify not only the infinitively Glorious Party, it will also equally glorify each and every Apparatchik which considers themselves part of the party and those who hold party ideas and ideals but do not know of the Glorious Party or have not thought or read enough about the Glorious Party enough to consider themselves members of the party.

RedDiaperette wrote:I vote GUILTY. By the way, who is on trial, and for what? I have lost track. But no matter. I still vote GUILTY ... as many times as necessary.

To be honest with you Comrade Diaperette, I have forgotten too, but I'll join with you in voting that the defense is GUILTY.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Can't...see straight (I think that's a thought crime, anyway). Vision blurrred...where am I? Who are all you people!? Why am I wearing a keffiyeh? I have a vague memory of defective kangaroos and aboriginal squirrels, and then...lights out. What...happened?

I thought you were looking a little run over down, comrade. I know Australia is lovely at this time of year so I booked you a little vacation.

No! no! No need to thank me. It's the least I could do.

I hope your accommodations are suitable. Resort bookings can often be problematic.

I did consider the Final Resort but there seems to be a waiting list.

Comrade Craptek will take very good care of you. I've informed him that if you present have any problems that he's to take care of you, as he sees fit........

Sit back. Relax. You've been far too stressed since this all began. Have some popcorn!
Thanks, but my medical records show that I'm allergic to fierce snakes. But thanks to you and the good squirrel for the popcorn; I think it helps me recover my memory.
Is this a trial or something?
Does water really drain counter-clockwise south of the equator?

I'm happy to hear you're feeling better, comrade Komissar. A little fresh air and relaxation can do wonders for the constitution.

Now, back to the Party™ business....

The prosecution rests. The charges are proof of the crime - prosecutors never charge someone who isn't guilty of something - and, since comrade Ivan has no defense - clearly, whatever his offenses are, they're indefensible - I present a motion to the court for a speedy execution and delayed sentencing, to avoid any inconvenient civil disturbances.

Comrade Craptek, do you have the rope?

And about the water, comrade Komissar, just be grateful that you never needed to find out. Have some popcorn!

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
RedDiaperette wrote:I vote GUILTY. By the way, who is on trial, and for what? I have lost track. But no matter. I still vote GUILTY ... as many times as necessary.

To be honest with you Comrade Diaperette, I have forgotten too, but I'll join with you in voting that the defense is GUILTY.
The Defense is guilty, indeed, comrade. Guilty of not showing up. That, in and of itself, requires somebody to suffer. The defendant's silence is proof of his guilt! On with the execution!

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It's amazing what a little popcorn and a counter-clockwise beet vodka iv drip can do. I'm feeling like my old self again, and am ready to resume my duty as show trial judge. Yes, comrades, it's time for the sentencing.

First, whereas the deadline for the use of the word "deadline" is expired, uttering, contemplating, or reading the word "deadline" carries with it a minimum sentence of impaling for the first offense, and a shovel smartly applied to the back of the head for the second offense.
Second, whereas there can be neither Hope nor Change without Ideological Purity™, and there cannot be Ideological Purity™ without purges, I sentence the entire collective to death followed by banishment.

The sentence is to be carried out by the, uh, point-at-which-stuff-needs-to-be-done of 17:00 hours PST* today so that the Glorious World of Next Tuesday may be ushered in this afternoon, ahead of schedule, once and for all.
*People's Standard Time (PST progressively recognizes the equality of all time zones)

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Ha! The old "death and dismissal" sentence, right out of the history books.

They can't shoot me at dawn, I don't get up that early. I'm not worried, I still have next Tuesday's quota of beets to get in, the oil in the People's tractor ain't gonna hope &change itself, and if I'm not back in the "parts room" of the tractor barn, we won't have enough libation for the post-purge party on Friday.

Speaking of the party, we still need someone to stop by Store #86 and get some of those little plastic swords for the olives, normally Krasnodar takes care of that, but he didn't read the directions on that new lobotomy kit and I think he tried it on himself, I haven't seen him recently...so anyway, no swords, and we will all have our fingers in our drinks like George Bush or some other unkulturny rethugglikkkan teabaggers.

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Ivan the Stakhanovets, having reviewed your case and being satisfied that you are a necessary and productive member of the Party, I hereby declare you acquitted of all charges brought against you. You may leave this courtroom a free persun.
All non-essential personnel will report to the potato field and bring their own shovels.

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Ivan the Stakhanovets, having reviewed your case and being satisfied that you are a necessary and productive member of the Party, I hereby declare you acquitted of all charges brought against you. You may leave this courtroom a free persun.
All non-essential personnel will report to the potato field and bring their own shovels.

Well, now! That's disappointing. I had PPV contracts ready to sign that would have ensured large donations to The Party™ for years into the future.

What am I going to do with all these "Rest in Progress, Ivan" drink coasters?

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Keep the drink coasters. They'll be collectible just like Edward VIII coronation ware.

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Congrats Ivan! I was rooting for you the whole time!

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:Keep the drink coasters. They'll be collectible just like Edward VIII coronation ware.

I don't think they'll keep 100 years. They're made with 100% recycled toilet paper. The constant use of pesticides to keep vermin off them will have them decomposing within weeks. It's a damn good thing they were subsidized.

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Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:Keep the drink coasters. They'll be collectible just like Edward VIII coronation ware.

I don't think they'll keep 100 years. They're made with 100% recycled toilet paper. The constant use of pesticides to keep vermin off them will have them decomposing within weeks. It's a damn good thing they were subsidized.

Perhaps you should use them for their Original purpose Comrade. Might be a bit uncomfortable, but so are the RepubliKKKunt$, and we're easily surviving them. After all, they'll realistically keep a month before they start to turn to damp, moldy pulp, and that's in a climate-controlled warehouse.


 
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