A newly released bombshell report may guarantee the re-impeachment of Donald Trump, according to many political analysts. The report, contained in a document that originated with a yet unnamed source, states that a whistleblower, who desires to remain anonymous, has claimed that a politician, who has not been explicitly identified, has committed a crime, the nature of which is, as of yet, unspecified.

According to rumors, the document containing the report was initially discovered on the desk of a friend of a cousin of an assistant of an intern of a staffer of the office of Nancy Pelosi. The prior origin of the report remains a mystery, but there is vague hearsay that suggests that it originates with a reliable source.

Although the content of the unprovenanced document has not been released, several mainstream media outlets believe that it gives a very convincing account of how "someone" is aware that a "person" did "something" illegal. The report also explicitly identifies the person in question as "someone who was, is, will be, or may become a politician." It also includes an alleged photograph of the crime in progress (pictured above), which provides further evidence in favor of its claims.

Though the report lacks some minor details, such as who the person is, what he/she/it/xe/they* did, and who is aware that the person did it, Democrats are in virtually unanimous agreement that the politician in question is Donald Trump and that the crime is an impeachable offense.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D), who was the first member of Congress to view the report, has demanded a thorough, unlimited, no-expense-spared investigation into the unsubstantiated claims. She added that this investigation should be conducted by an unbiased, objective, and independent team of her choosing, and expressed her desire that the investigation would not be politically motivated.

Said Pelosi, "The investigative team will be nonpartisian in its search for the truth. I reiterate, we will leave no stone unturned in our quest to discover the truth about just what Donald Trump did and in just what way it is impeachable." She added that, if necessary, impeachment proceedings could be conducted and concluded within the next 14 days, coinciding with the end of the President's COVID-19 quarantine.

In a virtual press conference today, the President described the calls for investigation in response to the report as a "witchhunt" and a "political conspiracy" to remove him from office—although he provided no evidence for these claims. When CNN reporter Jim Acosta questioned him about the report, the President responded that "this report, or whatever it is—I don't think it should be called that—I mean, what is it reporting? A report has to report something, which this doesn't do. It doesn't report anything substantial—sort of like you. And so I call it a 'so-called report'—just like I call you a 'so-called reporter.' Okay?"

Despite this, the President was unable to provide any evidence that the claims in the report were false.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D) rejected the notion of any political conspiracy or bias on the part of Democrats and stressed their objectivity in regards to the situation. Schumer stated, "I and the other Democrats are completely open-minded about the question of what high crimes and misdemeanors Donald Trump committed. We are completely willing to follow the evidence to whatever impeachable offence it leads." A statement issued by Joe Biden's presidential campaign stated that he agrees with everyone else.

Speculation abounds as to the exact nature of the crime. The most popular theories involve the possibility that the President colluded with other unsavory entities to produce the current COVID-19 pandemic for his political benefit and that his recent contraction of COVID-19 is just a cover-up.

As JSW's resident news commentator Liza Lott proposed: "This report is damning evidence that Donald Trump manufactured and spread COVID-19 to distract from his previous impeachment and present himself as the one who saved America from the same disease he created. And he undoubtedly colluded with all sorts of co-conspirators who also stand to gain from this pandemic, including introverts, toilet paper companies, the My Pillow guy, and of course, Vladimir Putin. As for the deniers—I mean... we have photographic evidence. What more do you want?" Meanwhile, supporters of President Trump have continued to spread his unproven conspiracy theories about a "Deep State" coup attempt.

At the time of this story's publication, the White House has still not provided an adequate explanation of or defense for the unknown crime that the President may have committed.

__________
*May not include all possible personal pronouns or permutations.

CBS and NBC have reported that the mystery person who smuggled those documents like Sandy Burglar, has been given a ginseng colonic at Walter Reed Hospital due to severe genital cuts while smuggling documents to several outside sources and to Nancy Pelosi's office.

Not quite sure what crime is there going on, but it's like totally Trump. That fact is settled, and the debate is over.

Excellent reporting, Komrade JSW. Nano-precise in revealing the blurs, nailing all pinpoints, no questions left open.

I feel abused and humiliated by this unknown crime. I hope they catch the unspecified perpetrator soon!

I know an anonymous rape victim who has been abused by an unspecified person and is willing to testify against him as soon as his identity becomes known and if he is proven to be a he.

Unspecified criminals have rights too, you know. Unspecified Criminal Lives Matter.

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:Not quite sure what crime is there going on, but it's like totally Trump. That fact is settled, and the debate is over.

Agree that it is Trump (that bastard!), but his guilt is beyond a mere "fact." Trumpstein's guilt is based on a scientific consensus. And so we can confidently say that the science is settled.

Red Square wrote:... and if he is proven to be a he.

A genetic, or pendular, or self-professed "he"? . (non-exclusive or, i.e. not xor)

myasnikov wrote:

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:Not quite sure what crime is there going on, but it's like totally Trump. That fact is settled, and the debate is over.

Agree that it is Trump (that bastard!), but his guilt is beyond a mere "fact." Trumpstein's guilt is based on a scientific consensus. And so we can confidently say that the science is settled.

Fully agree, Komrade (so to say) meatmansky.

And, of course, nice to see you again!
Last time we met, you were yuuugely busy with ARRGH!

of course Herr Trump is guilty. he is guilty of everything. Beets aren't growing? Trump's fault. Beet shovel is missing? Trump's fault. Beet juice extractor can't be found? Trump's fault. Wife is late? Trump's fault. That's right, anything and everything is this President's fault.

It is October already!

Tell me what the surprise is already!

Don't make me think too hard!

Give me a politically correct graphic or meme that will tell me how to vote-think-speak-act-FEEL.

Comrade Commissar, where are you? The Orange Man is closing in on me.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:Unspecified criminals [highlight=#ffff00]have rights too[/highlight], you know. Unspecified Criminal Lives Matter.

Unspecified rights, of course.

Comrade Svyet wrote:... Trump is guilty .. Trump's fault .. Trump's fault .. Trump's fault .. Trump's fault ...

... aaand: For once, Trump NOT guilty of [your-wildest-phantasm-here]?

RedDiaperette wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:Unspecified criminals [highlight=#ffff00]have rights too[/highlight], you know. Unspecified Criminal Lives Matter.

Unspecified rights, of course.

Rights™ are specified by The Party™ and are subject to alteration as The Party™ deems necessary for Peace™, Safety™ and Stability™.

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, ran out and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man: he saw it, too.

a paralysed donkey passing by
kicked a blind man in the eye
knocked him through a nine inch wall
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

The Science™ is settled!!! If you don't believe in Science™ comrades, you ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!

[highlight=#ffffff]Ladles and jellyspoons
I stand upon this speech to make a platform
the train I arrived in has not yet come
so I took a bus and walked
I come before you to stand behind you
and tell you something I know nothing about!
[/highlight]GRAB YOUR SHOVELS COMRADES!!![highlight=#ffffff]
[/highlight]

*agrees with me