CHAPTER 1 - THE BEGINNING OF THE START

Barack Obama was born Steven Urkel in a log cabin near Springfield, Illinois. His father was a militant piano tuner from one of those African countries where they change the national boundaries every other week. His mother was a loan officer at the Oppressed Proletariat Bank and Trust Company where she spent her days rejecting loans to people who had little more to cling to than God and guns. As a communist, she hated that her job forced her to oppress the poor and disenfranchised; but, also as a communist, she loved power and control so she threw herself into her work with alacrity. His father, not finding a large number of militant pianos in the American Great Plains, left the fledgling family for places with more bellicose musical tastes, leaving young Steven and his mom to fight capitalism alone.

Growing up as part of a mixed race heritage, young Steven began to notice racism in his daily life. One day, for example, he and one of his white friends bought shirts at the local Imperialist-Mart discount store. His friend's had one of those little tags in it that said "Inspected by Number 35 to ensure your satisfaction." Young Steven found a tag in his that said "Number 35 made sure you got a faulty shirt because you're part black." This was a real eye-opener for Steven, who had previously spent a lot of time squinting.He began to question his values and those of the people around his, especially when it came to shirts. It was the late 1960s when Black Nationalism and Afro-Centrism began to emerge into the American consciousness along with a lot of other high-sounding poop.

Steven got caught up in the excitement of the times and decided to change his name to Muhammad Alley; Muhammad because he had heard the name in one of those "Mummy" movies and Alley after the place where he spent most of his time. Unfortunately, this name sounded very similar to that of a famous person of that era and was probably already copyrighted. The young man was devastated; he thought he would never have a cool sounding hip name; but, as fate would have it, he was watching an old low-budget World War II movie one day. One of the characters, a Japanese soldier, kept shouting in a kind of pseudo-Japanese dialect "Barack A Bomba! Barack A Bomba!" which was apparently supposed to mean "Bomb the Baracks!" Bad as the movie was, it turned out to be the young man's inspiration! Barack Obama was born!

As a teenager, young Barack's two best friends were named Bugs and Daffy. Daffy was black and Bugs was white. Bugs was always getting the better of Daffy and Barack felt that this was because Daffy was black. Barack was conflicted, as someome who has changed his named so many times at that age is wont to be; one day, his asked his mother "Mom, why can't we have hope and change instead of despair and sameness?" His mother replied, "Just a minute son! I have to stamp "REJECTED" on this loan application! Boo Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

The incident had a profound affect on young Barack. Not only had he not noticed his mother had a laugh like a cartoon villain but she was handing out loan rejections to people who had not even applied. Furthermore, his grandmother was going into trances and making strange predictions like "Steven, er, Barack - someday you'll throw me under a bus!" Barack just knew that the answer for the world had to be hope and change, regardless of the fact that the answer had nothing to do with the question. "Sometimes," Barack reasoned, "you have to answer a question you can answer instead of the one you are asked!" This would turn out to be a pivotal insight for him, for then as now he never had the answers to many of the questions he was asked. But with his phenomenal judgement, he knew - he just knew - that hope and change was the answer and that he was the one he was waiting for.

But how? How could he take meaningless platitudes and turn them into a marketing campaign that everyone would think meant something because it apparently meant nothing but everyone would pretend it was meaningful because they didn't want everyone else to think that they had missed the point? Who in this world makes promises that can't be delivered on but are never called on it because everyone either forgets them or never believed them in the first place?

This modus operandi would never be successful in the world of banking or even piano tuning. After all, if you promise someone their piano would sound like Liberace but instead ended up sounding like a drawer full of flatware falling down the stairs, people are not going to give you repeat business as dad discovered a decade earlier.

The answer came to him like a stinkbomb exploding prematurely in his face. The year was 1972 and a Presidential race was on. McGovern. Nixon. Hot air. Baloney. Bald faced lies. And regardless of all the BS (or maybe because of it), one of these boobs was going to be handed the most important job in the world after the Jackson Five's road manager: President of the United States! Barack found his answer: he was going to become President and MAKE the world HOPE er have HOPE and CHANGE! The toughest thing might be getting rid of President McGovern. That guy could be in office for years!

Coming soon: CHAPTER 2 - THE BEGINNING OF THE MIDDLE OF THE START

<img src="/images/Obama_Book_Cover.jpg" width="405" height="596">

This epic struggle of Our Glorious Leader will be taught in all the skools in Amerika.

They will have to add His likeness to Mount Rushmore and build a monument in Washington DC. His Excellency will have the "White House" painted black and gray to honor His ancestors. He will be fondly revered as the Father of the New World of Next Tuesday.

This is my favorite book of all time.
Kudos to the researcher.
The art direction is superb.
5 stars!!!!!

A most inspiring story! I myself was once rejected for a loan by Ms. Omama Kerry, a imperialist oppression that remains as firmly seared in my memory as a Cambodian Christmas.

He's the new and improved (catch the irony in the last three words) Abe Lincoln!

This story has just been posted on NewsBusters.comand is sending us traffic.

NewsBusters wrote:comedians claim to be having a tough time finding material to write about the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama.

We, on the other hand, need to expand our day to 48 hours in order to be able to write everything we'd like to say about Obama. And then there's also photoshopping...

I told you Comrades that Barack's mommy was John Kerry! I told all of you and you didn't believe me!

Yes, Chairman. It is precisely because we so vividly remember the following exchange between you and Betinov that we decided to adjust Obama-mama's status in this installment of the current truth.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Barack Obama's mommy kind of looks like a young John Kerry. Hmm... I wonder?

Ivan Betinov wrote:Chairman, I think we can do entirely without your racist comments about the Obamamamma. (Bear in mind that any comment that does not recognize the obvious superiority of the Lightworker and any sentence containing the name "Obama" and ending in a question mark have been determined to be rascist. The only exception to this rule are rhetorical sentences such as "Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?")

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:And we can do entirely without your intolerance towards Asexually-Reproducing-Americans, Comrade Betinov!
Barack Obama -- who I pray to daily, mind you -- was enchanted by the idea that his mommy could indeed be a young John Kerry in drag. Barack sat down when I told him my suspicions, Comrade Betinov, and he looked at me in awe when I explained to him that John Kerry is known to reproduce asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxist. Why, I never seen Barack so happy, Comrades. I never have seen him so happy to think that John Kerry could have possibly given birth to him.

And you, Comrade Betinov! You drag my name through the dirt and portray me as a Clinton or some PUMA whore! How dare you, Comrade! How dare you make me feel cheap and dirty without first buying me dinner at a Burger King and then taking me back to some sleazy motel!

You disgust me!

Ivan Betinov wrote:I'm a brain in a jar of unidentifiable fluid. I have that effect on a lot of people.

Uh, Stevie's grandmom is white, I think. The one he threw under the bus, anyway.
Hee.

Who's the tranny supposed to be?

Damn!

Why do all my biographers leave out my proudest achievement?

If it wasn't for the fact that I was a street organizer for WALNUT (Welfare Appropriated Liberals Now United Together) I wouldn't be running for president.
It was there that I met the down trodden huddled masses yearning to breathe free stuff and get free things.
We were the front line fighters in the struggle for the voting rights of the necro-proxies and cartoon characters.
If it wasn't for WALNUT, the dead would still be dead and not dead voters, and Mickey Mouse's vote, not to mention Daffy Duck's and Bugs Bunny's votes would never have been counted.
Tack that onto my resume!

Furthermore I.....ummm...if you add up...the....Ahem...cough....numbers that..... bi-valve clams...uhhh....clamp?...claim?...claim that...divided by.....tree?....three?

All right, there's a HO in the house screwing with the teleprompter again!
Find her!
Now!

BigFurHat wrote:This is my favorite book of all time.
Kudos to the researcher.
The art direction is superb.
5 stars!!!!!

The World of Light is grateful for your positive review, Comrade. If it is of interest, I have it on good authority (a deceased Chicago voter channelled by a live real estate mogul) that the Sainted One's favorite book is "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx, although He also likes "Das Kapital II: The Search for A Crock".

Obama wrote:Damn!

Why do all my biographers leave out my proudest achievement?

If it wasn't for the fact that I was a street organizer for WALNUT (Welfare Appropriated Liberals Now United Together) I wouldn't be running for president.
It was there that I met the down trodden huddled masses yearning to breathe free stuff and get free things.
We were the front line fighters in the struggle for the voting rights of the necro-proxies and cartoon characters.
If it wasn't for WALNUT, the dead would still be dead and not dead voters, and Mickey Mouse's vote, not to mention Daffy Duck's and Bugs Bunny's votes would never have been counted.
Tack that onto my resume!

O Great One (or, Great One O, if you prefer), of course you know it is impossible to include all your important works in one resume; there would not be enough paper on earth to print it! But fear not; I think Comrade Homer Simpson spoke most eloquently on behalf of all your cartoon character supporters in this regard when he said, "Mmmmm! (drool) Walnuts!"

valerie wrote:Uh, Stevie's grandmom is white, I think. The one he threw under the bus, anyway.
Hee.

Who's the tranny supposed to be?

I believe she was Socialist candidate for President of France at one time.

I'll wait for the paper mache version - due out Jan. 20, 2009.

Obama wrote: All right, there's a HO in the house screwing with the teleprompter again!
Find her!
Now!

That's not me, O High and Mighty Obamessiah! (Pinkie drops to knees and presses nose to floor.) Don't be fooled by that red headscarf caught on the corner of the teleprompter, and don't believe those rumors you may have heard that I'm still a HO for Hillary--I'm only faking that to gather intelligence for whatever her camp is plotting for Denver. We must Fight the Smears! I've been set up! You may have heard I underwent a makeover at Nadezhda's slumber party Saturday night, and they took away my red headscarf and replaced it with a full head of hair. Someone took the red headscarf and is now using it to incriminate me!

I know it's not Hussies n' Thingies, because she, I can assure you, is one of your most loyal Hussies, ready to nag you about your smelly feet and leaving out the bread and butter like a true Bride of Obama in the absence of the Sacred Feminine Michelle Magdalene, while you're campaigning and sewing up votes on your historical world tour of Europe and the all-important battleground states of Iraq and Afghanistan.

That leaves two suspects: Comrade Nadezhda and Marshal Pupovich. I'm inclined toward the latter, since he was very disapproving of the whole makeover process. Also, since his recent promotion, he probably feels he can get away with more.

Plus he's been extra grumpy toward me lately.

That leaves two suspects: Comrade Nadezhda and Marshal Pupovich. I'm inclined toward the latter, since he was very disapproving of the whole makeover process. Also, since his recent promotion, he probably feels he can get away with more.

Plus he's been extra grumpy toward me lately.

My Pup, My Pup, why hast thou forsaken me and screweth with my teleprompter?
For thirty characters of Hummel? For thirty super delegates? For thirty Hsu bundles?

Hmm... Commissarka Pinkie's makeover has me rather suspicious as to where her loyalties truly lie, Your Messiahship.

Any good progressive womyn would abstain from such bourgeoisie concepts as "good hygiene" and "deodorant" and would instead opt for the lifestyle Mother Gaia intended -- a morally-acceptable (and dare I say superior) lifestyle of filth and sagging tittage.

Commissarka Pinkie disgusts me, O' Lord Obama, and I have become convinced that she is an agent of P.U.M.A sent here to sell you out to Bush! Show us the tits, Commissarka Pinkie! Only sagging tits will clear your name now!

Sarcasm is the mind's defense of stupidity!

Red Square wrote:This story has just been posted on NewsBusters.comand is sending us traffic.

NewsBusters wrote:comedians claim to be having a tough time finding material to write about the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama.

We, on the other hand, need to expand our day to 48 hours in order to be able to write everything we'd like to say about Obama. And then there's also photoshopping...

STRIVE FOR MEDIOCRITY!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Hmm... Commissarka Pinkie's makeover has me rather suspicious as to where her loyalties truly lie, Your Messiahship.

Any good progressive womyn would abstain from such bourgeoisie concepts as "good hygiene" and "deodorant" and would instead opt for the lifestyle Mother Gaia intended -- a morally-acceptable (and dare I say superior) lifestyle of filth and sagging tittage.

Commissarka Pinkie disgusts me, O' Lord Obama, and I have become convinced that she is an agent of P.U.M.A sent here to sell you out to Bush! Show us the tits, Commissarka Pinkie! Only sagging tits will clear your name now!

Chairman, surely you've heard of Michelle's image makeover, to make her softer and more appealing to female voters and would-be Hussies? They now make much of her sleeveless dresses, big faux pearls, and flip hairdo a la Jackie. But you know what we all love best about Michelle? The fact that unlike phonies like Cindy McCain, who looks as if she might have rooted hair and "Mattel Inc. Made in Hong Kong" embossed on her right butt cheek, the Sacred Feminine Michelle is always just herself. Should we Hussies not aspire to be just like her, as befits true Brides of Obama?

But since you asked . . .


Now, if you don't mind, I think I will take back my red headscarf, conduct some self-criticism with my shovel, and roll around in some mud so as to get back to my old self.

NOW it all makes perfect sense! I wondered what happened to Urkel.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Now, if you don't mind, I think I will take back my red headscarf, conduct some self-criticism with my shovel, and roll around in some mud so as to get back to my old self.

That's my Commissarka!!! Just a reminder.... Don't forget the patchouli! You want to get out there and show those punks at Karl Marx University (formerly U. Cal. Berkeley) how it's really done!!!

I find a curious parallel between the B. Hussein Obama story and Mel Brooks' classic comedy, “Blazing Saddles”. Of course the fact that BHO looks remarkably similar to Black Bart (Cleavon Little) probably helps.

Think of Evil and Corrupt government official Hedley Lamar (Harvey Korman) as the RNC, and smooth talking Bart as BHO. The RNC wants a Sheriff (candidate) for Rock Ridge (the DNC) that so offends the populace that “his very appearance would drive them out!”

Black Bart was Hedley's choice because he was black and the movie was set in the ‘bigoted' Old West. A negro in a position of authority over the God fearing white population of Rock Ridge was unthinkable.

In BHO, the RNC has their dream candidate:
• He's black.
• His middle name is Hussein.
• He's more Liberal than Ted Kennedy.
• He's got terrorist friends.
• His wife is more objectionable than Teresa Heinz Kerry.
• Etc, ad nausea …

Yet just like in the movie, Black Bart becomes the hero and Hedley Lamar (the RNC) looks like evil incarnate. As Mr. Taggart said, “I am depressed!”

Ivan the Fool wrote:NOW it all makes perfect sense! I wondered what happened to Urkel.

I thought he was purged long ago.

Opiate of the People wrote:As a teenager, young Barack's two best friends were named Bugs and Daffy. Daffy was black and Bugs was white. Bugs was always getting the better of Daffy and Barack felt that this was because Daffy was black.

Comrade Obama's insight into the evil pit of the imperialist class system is inspirational. Come the Revolution the people will look to Him to cleanse the motherland of Bugs, Foghorn Leghorn, Wile E. Coyote, and other Trotskyites. It is only through the elimination of their competitive drive to 'best' their opponents that the true equality of the Worker's Utopia can be realized.

Alternative versions of the book cover are still coming in. Our reader Greg O. just emailed us this picture with a note:

Dear Kommissars:
Attached is a slight variation on a beloved tome by our esteemed president.
A proud worker.
(Greg O.)