Spitzer: Operation Corner Office

Spitzer's unique analytical skills allowed him to narrow down the breeding ground of the endemic spreading of capitalist wealth to the corporate corner offices of the Lower Manhattan Financial District - and that's where most of the pestiferous hirelings were caught as they perpetrated their sickening capitalist racket - or, as they refer to it in criminal circles, "made money."

Within only a few minutes hundreds of white-collared CEOs were dragged through gold-encrusted corporate lobbies into the streets and hoarded into waiting police vans, to much of the excitement of local panhandlers. Caught red-handed, they didn't even deny their dubious activities, such as, speaking over the intercoms, using calculators, and running complex profit-generating software. Now they pathetically hung on to their briefcases, cell phones, and crumpled Wall Street Journal pages, jeered by nearby crowds of idle Union workers who happened to be in the area with a giant inflatable rat, to picket a building management company that refused to pay $100/hr wages to garbage collectors.

Progressive media views Spitzer's new sweeping tactics as an attempt to ease the burden on his staff who have been overworked rattling off subpoenas to everybody from Wall Street CEOs to the Naked Cowboy to the Central Park Coyote. "It will save time and a lot of taxpayers' money if Attorney General simply rounds up every suit on Wall Street instead of spending tedious legal man-hours firing off subpoenas," agrees Spitzer's political campaign manager. "This show of fiscal responsibility can benefit Mr. Spitzer's run for Governor in November."

Escape From New York: Wall Street CEOs land on New Jersey shore

Early reports indicated that some of the white-collar miscreants had commandeered a small boat and escaped across the river to New Jersey, where Spitzer's powers are rumored to be useless. It is being alleged that the dragnet also picked up a few innocent bystanders and generally anyone who looked like they earned over $100K.The detainees are currently being held at a NYPD tow pound on the West Side of Manhattan.

We're in the middle of a class war, comrades!

Eliot Spitzer, who denies any tactical errors, later claimed a decisive victory in the war against capitalist prosperity. "Money is offensive to my constituents who can't make money themselves and instead have to beg for it in government offices," he said later at a Midtown press conference. "We must clean our streets from the rich corporate scum that's been infesting them. Nobody earning over a hundred thousand a year is innocent. Let's all work together to make our city safe again for the homeless to frolic without the fear of being offended by tactless display of prosperity," he finished to a standing ovation from an audience of mainstream media reporters.

Some retrogrades would call Spitzer an "extortionist" who threatens a corporation with a phony lawsuit that would cost them millions in legal fees and damage control. They "appease the beast" with a settlement hoping he would go away. But every corporate payoff makes the beast stronger and his appetite bigger. He then threatens their neighbor, and then the next neighbor - until the entire block on Wall Street is paying ransom, and then the next block, and so on. He learned it from the Unions who in their turn learned it from the Sicilian Mafia. If this continues, many New Yorkers fear they may have to vote for Spitzer in November just to "appease the beast."