Obama's Website Solves World's Energy and Food Crisis

Barack Obama has unveiled a new plan for equitable consumption and distribution of global energy, aimed to level the playing field and give Americans a realistic chance to become accepted as equals by members of the global community. "If you were born a sheepherder in a nomadic village in Sub Saharan Africa, why shouldn't you be getting the same quotas of gasoline, food, and electricity as an American consumer?" explains Iona Morningwood, Senior Policy Advisor on matters of resource allowance for the Obama campaign.

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The new plan is centered around a hi-tech website that will allow Americans quickly and conveniently to calculate their budgets for fuel, food, and energy consumption, which they will then be obligated to submit to an impartial UN panel of international experts. The panel will review every submission within a two-month period, after which it will instruct the US authorities to turn on the heat, water, or electricity in the homes of those Americans whose energy consumption does not exceed the limits established by the government of Zimbabwe.

Non-Americans are encouraged not to use the wasteful automobile air conditioning settings demanded by Americans. Household appliance manufacturers have been forced to accommodate increased demands by Americans who are too lazy to pre-rinse or even load their dishwashers properly. Hot water heaters sold in America must be capable of consuming energy at an extra high rate and of delivering water at alarming gallons per minute rates.

According to Iona Morningwood, ever since Senator Obama announced that "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK," his offices have been swamped with calls from concerned Americans seeking international acceptance and approval.

"Their questions range from the size of an automobile they can drive to the temperature they should allow in their dwellings, to Global Warming, to whether they can get extra fries with their burger," said Morningwood. "When we were no longer able to process the questions, we set up this website that automatically generated all the correct answers. It was only logical that we eventually took it to the next level, involving expert advice and mandatory compliance.

A pilot study is underway testing a prototype version. Kevin Olgermester-Stubb, an Obama supporter and one of the first users of the new system, remains enthusiastic. "I was pretty sure they wouldn't allow me to use real beef hamburgers for my Memorial Day picnic, but they did - as long as I served an equal number of veggie burgers and my guests arrived by hybrid vehicles. It's nice to be part of the solution for a change!" he said glowingly.

Another near term objective is to establish a 24-7 phone bank in case some Americans exceed their equitably allotted budget and they don't have a pedal-powered computer with internet access. "We need to provide them a means to submit budgets and obtain approval from the panel when they don't have electricity," explains Morningwood.

Obama's advisor justified the urgent need for change in American energy and resource usage by saying that it has long been perceived as being disproportionate when compared with that of other countries. She provided several examples of manufacturing sector responses to the problem of chronic excess in consumption by the American citizen (see sidebar).

Mr. Obama has received international acclaim for advancing the premise that everything that Americans discover, build, buy, rent, lease, or barter for, has been stolen from the other peoples of the world and ultimately harms the environment.

Stereos used to be "one size fits all" until America's need for subwoofers required more power.

 

These go to eleven!


 

Thank you Red for posting the Spinal Tap vid, for Nigel Tufnel has inspired me to solve our energy problems. I give you the Tufnel thermostat!

As you can see the top setting is for heat, and the bottom for cooling. By changing the numbers no one will ever have a heat setting higher than 71 or a cooling setting lower than 79. It is a very progressive solution for it makes us all feel good about ourselves without accomplishing anything.
 

I see the thermostat is set on Keith!

Perfect Comrade!

Each Sapien unit if given enough carbohydrates and protein will generate this amount of energy per day, if healthy. If you say....crowd them into a room....ah ...let's say 100 counter-revolutionaries in a 1000 square meter space, you can feed them 3000 calories a day three times per week and work them all 12 hour days!
 

....And no charcoal or wood fires to keep them warm!

We wouldn't want to harm the planet, now would we?
 

Again, Amerikkka ruins everything.
 

McInsane is talking about getting The People's Congress to allow oil drilling off the coasts. His Holiness Barack Hussein Obama, may peace be upon him, correctly points out that this reactionary lifting of the ban on drilling that has been in place since 1981 is "more of the same failed policies". I never had the Audacity to Hope for the Change that would allow the Truth spoken so eloquently.

Change is "more of the same"®. Continued government roadblocks, on the other hand, are change®. Doubleplusgood.
 

"We are at war with Poverty and the Republicans. We have never been at war with Iraq. Any statement otherwise is disloyal. Such persons should report to the termination centers without delay."
 

Comrades, we must all flock to the side of new leader. Comrade Obamination is producing so much hot air that the energy requirments of the planet are met for the next century.

We can get the peasants back in to the gulags where they belong.
 

It's about time Amerika made itself equal with the world insted of being the fat capitalist cat it is.
 

Islamobamacommie will be cast into the lake of fire.
All your base are belong to us.
Make your time.
 

Quote:

"If you were born a sheepherder in a nomadic village in Sub Saharan Africa, why shouldn't you be getting the same quotas of gasoline, food, and electricity as an American consumer?" explains Iona Morningwood, Senior Policy Advisor on matters of resource allowance for the Obama campaign

Hey... I know, I know this Iona Morningwood, she visit me in sleep abvout 04:00 every day, until wake up time for chroes and then I look at big, fat, smelly noisy wife and life returns to that of broken dreams and lost hope.
 

Sounds like a true worker's paradise!
 

A_TALL_STOLI

... this Iona Morningwood, she visit me in sleep abvout 04:00 every day, until wake up time for chroes and then I look at big, fat, smelly noisy wife and life returns to that of broken dreams and lost hope.
But if you vote for Obama, he will bring change and your hope will get unlost. In his progressive world, Iona Morningwood is an actual material girl, just like Bob Woodward's "Deep Throat."



Deep Throat Meets All the President's Men


 

Red Square

But if you vote for Obama, he will bring change and your hope will get unlost. In his progressive world, Iona Morningwood is an actual material girl, just like Bob Woodward's "Deep Throat."


I... I.. I.. am so sss so humbled by presence of Honorable "Red Square!" that I tremble and find it difficlt to type (Besides, it is only few days since seeing daylight. It was AFTER the poster I made of "Borat Obama" I was sent to gulag and had fingers repeatedly smashed with butt of fully automatic rifle of hope and change). I now have better appreciation of life and even fat smelly wife thingy is better than even bigger, smellier, meaner cellmate that did unspeakable things to me. Was I in Gitmo? I don't know, but if poster was offensive, perhaps Red could post it in propaganda department "dark cellar of experience" as to what happenes when people portray their supreme anointed leader as fool.



 

The Ministry of Agriculture has announced that "Obama's Chocolate Nuts" are now available for the People's Consumption.

Once solely available to Kommisars, now you can have your very own!

http://obamaschocolatenuts.com/


 

I'm not sure if I want those....
 

KomradeMarine

The Ministry of Agriculture has announced that "Obama's Chocolate Nuts" are now available for the People's Consumption.

Once solely available to Kommisars, now you can have your very own!

http://obamaschocolatenuts.com/



Somehow, me thinks he be Choc-Full-O-Nuts!

STRIVE FOR MEDIOCRITY!

 

Anonymous

KomradeMarine

The Ministry of Agriculture has announced that "Obama's Chocolate Nuts" are now available for the People's Consumption.

Once solely available to Kommisars, now you can have your very own!

http://obamaschocolatenuts.com/



Somehow, me thinks he be Choc-Full-O-Nuts!

STRIVE FOR MEDIOCRITY!




Are they anything like "Chef's, Chocolate Salty Balls?" from those thought criminals of South Park?

 

Chef is dead...no more salty balls :(
 

people! i am a very happy new member of the cube. i am very happy indeed that the greag obama has made it on to the far right wing TIME mag 8 times now this year. i see this as a great time in history.

my first post has been so great pointint out this great progresive movement i feel so great!
 

call the limo service...I think we got a live one
 

Comrades,

I would like to know how the following sits with you. I think it will help me on my application to the EPA:

"I'm with the eco police. We're here to make your environment more friendly by ridding it of you."
 

"When we were no longer able to process the questions, we set up this website that automatically generated all the correct answers"
 

I must admit to plagiarism on this suggestion but it is so obvious and yet so brilliant I thought I would bring it to the attention of the collective. Let's face it. Fossil fuels are getting very expensive and they seem to annoy the green people very much. As noted from http://www.weaselzippers.us:

"If we could just figure out a way to harness the power of the never-ending rampaging Islamic mobs we’d finally break our addiction to fossil fuels, all we would need is a lighter and a crate of Korans."