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NBC Interviews Non-Gay Olympian Lamar Ferguson

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Lamar Ferguson, an openly non-gay athlete of Marietta, GA, who has won his second gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawnmower event in London, was also forced to fight an uphill battle to overcome the intolerance and resentment from his fans and the sports media after going public about his life with a domestic partner of the opposite sex.

Veteran reporter Blogunov, who was in London making sure that all events receive equal coverage, interviewed Ferguson on his win, his future plans, and intimate details of his personal life.

Ferguson won his first gold four years ago in Beijing, having defeated the heavily favored Mexican champion, Pedro Rodriguez, whose heterosexual leanings had been overlooked due to his predominantly non-European ancestry.

Blogunov: Tell me, Lamar, how does it feel to win gold again four years later?

Ferguson: Well, of course it feels real good, ‘specially to see all that trainin' and hard work pay off.

Blogunov: You had earlier talked about retiring after Beijing, and so many of your fans were excited to see you back in the race and winning gold for the second time.

Ferguson: Well, y'know, I thunk it over and I thought I had one more Olympic competition left in me, so I thought I'd go for it.

Blogunov: That seems true of some of the other winners in these games.

Ferguson: Oh, yeah. Misty and Kerri done real good gettin' gold for the third time, Phelps got hisself even more medals, and that Bolt feller from Jamaicer was still runnin' at warp speed, so there was somethin' in the air favorin' us vetrans.

Blogunov: Now that you're in the international spotlight once again, perhaps now's the time to discuss your sexual orientation. For the record, you are openly straight. Is that correct?

Ferguson: Sure is.

Blogunov: When did you feel heterosexual leanings for the first time?

Ferguson: Oh, I think it was in middle school ‘bout the time I almost graderated from 7th grade. Girls was startin' to be less yucky and more interestin' to me.

Blogunov: Of course, we've all heard that you have a domestic partner of the opposite sex. Tell us more about that.

Ferguson: What happened was I got to likin' girls so much, I ended up marryin' me one. I think we like that we're different. Good thang we was in a state that allowed fer hetrosexual marriages.

Blogunov: We've also heard that you and your partner became involved with the highly controversial Chick-Fil-A appreciation day.

Ferguson: Well, yeah, almost, but we missed that one ‘cause they was a qualifyin' heat that day an' we was in London, so we couldn't go. But then we heard they was gonna be a kiss in a little later on, so me and the missus looked at each other and thought that was a great way to celebrate our anniversary. Anyway, we done the next best thang and went to a pub and ordered us some chicken. Kissed, too.

Blogunov: Well, Lamar, I commend you on your openness in going public about your heterosexuality. You must be very brave.

Ferguson: Aw, it's no big deal; just who I am. I mean, me and the missus - we like it that way.

Blogunov: And what of your future plans for the Olympics? Are you on for 2016?

Ferguson: Naw, I'm definitely done. Four games is enough for me. I may see about coachin' the upcoming team for Rio.

Blogunov: Ironically, you seemed to win more easily this time. How did that happen?

Ferguson: Fer one, I didn't git no injuries in the medal round like the last two times, and fer another, Pedro done retired, so the only competition I had come from the Latvian champ.

Blogunov: How do you rate the Latvian team in the lawn care events?

Ferguson: Seein' they didn't even qualify in Beijing and they come up out o' nowhere to git silver, I think they're the team to watch.

Blogunov: Your old coach, whom we discussed in our previous interview, seemed a little bitter about your win.

Ferguson: You remember I had to let ‘im go before the Beijing games, and I don't think he ever got over that. I reckon that's why he called a press conference and said I didn't win that medal, somebody else done it for me.

Blogunov: Tell us about your friend and rival, Pedro Rodriguez who silvered in the Beijing games.

Ferguson: Well, now, he actually did retire after them games, but then Mexico hired him to coach their men's synchronized landscaping team, and you seen how good they done.

Blogunov: They absolutely dominated. Do the two of you still keep in touch?

Ferguson: Well, we both been real busy, but I congratulated him after his team got gold. He speaks some English and I can ahblow espanle some myself, so we been keepin' up with each other some since Beijing.

Blogunov: Lamar, it's always a pleasure talking with you. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

Ferguson: Same to ya.

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It just figures the always-behind-and-proud-of-it American team would still actually have a sexual deviant or two on it. About time they caught up with the rest of the world, eh what? Maybe by 2016, although I'm not holding my breath!

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Better than an openly capitalist athlete! The thought just make me want to re-read "Communist Manifesto" many times to cleanse the mind of such vulgaity!

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...after going public about his life with a domestic partner of the opposite sex.

I am becoming increasingly concerned that the Olympics is not open to more diversity such as, for example, encouraging athletes involved in inter-species domestic relationships or those involved with inanimate partners to participate. I feel morally superior to you all for mentioning this while also noting that I am the first poster on this thread to demonstrate how outraged I feel over this unfairness. I will increase my feeling of self-worth by demanding that we all engage in a symbolic but otherwise useless boycott of something or other to draw attention to these high-sounding but basically fatuous ideas. Now I will go away and congratulate myself repeatedly for my ego-inflating good intentions. Thank you.

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Opiate of the People wrote:
...after going public about his life with a domestic partner of the opposite sex.

I am becoming increasingly concerned that the Olympics is not open to more diversity such as, for example, encouraging athletes involved in inter-species domestic relationships or those involved with inanimate partners to participate. I feel morally superior to you all for mentioning this while also noting that I am the first poster on this thread to demonstrate how outraged I feel over this unfairness. I will increase my feeling of self-worth by demanding that we all engage in a symbolic but otherwise useless boycott of something or other to draw attention to these high-sounding but basically fatuous ideas. Now I will go away and congratulate myself repeatedly for my ego-inflating good intentions. Thank you.
Have you chosen a color for your ribbon?

Excellent Tovarichi
Comrade Lamar Ferguson is hereby invited to next year's Tournament of Zoysia Parade in Peoples Prospekt of South St. Louis. He is tendered the high honor of driving the lawn tractor pulling the float of the Zoysia Queen and shall also be guest of honor at banquet of People's Light Lawn Furniture League. If he desires, he may also be on judges panel of the Concrete Lawn Ornament Costume Congress, but not the Iced Tea Tasting. That's my patch of Turf. In any case his presence at our little event will elevate him in stature in the eyes of all who have ever mowed grass and are common as dirt. Am looking forward to watching Comrade Ferguson do color commentary of Monday Night Croquet after horrid blood sport of football is banned.

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Yawn.
When he's evolved and has 9,883 GOLDS like Dear Leader has - wake me.

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The inflatable community could start a new fad, Smuggle your partner into Rio in your suitcase, or anywhere else!

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Komissar Blogunov wrote: Have you chosen a color for your ribbon?

Rainbow, of course comrade.

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Este Pedro must have been a white-Hispanic, por que no self-respecting Hispanic-Hispanic would lost to no Gringo, para que lo sepa cabron!

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:It just figures the always-behind-and-proud-of-it American team would still actually have a sexual deviant or two on it. About time they caught up with the rest of the world, eh what? Maybe by 2016, although I'm not holding my breath!
Comrad- did you not see the U.S. Men's Synchronized Divers? Surely this more than makes up for the Pervert Lamar!

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The International Olympic Committee has a distinct shortage of pole vaulters.

Comrade Opiate, a boycott is an excellent idea! I propose we boycott the American elections this coming November. Surely we can get all of the Party appoved parties to decide to party that day. Just think of it: OWS, felons, necro-Americans, illegal aliensundocumented workers, pedophiles, homosexuals and lesbians all partying like it's Cinco de Quatro. The Rethuglikkkans won't know what hit them!


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Blogunov, you are my hero. I cannot tell you how much you've helped me.

I asked Bruno to read your moving interview, about how a man came to terms with his own heterosexuality, and he tried but the sweat from his brow was getting into the keyboard, and it's MY computer.

Eventually I read it to him. Amazing how people who can't read can assay a diamond 20' across a room in the dark and call off the price of the rags on the woman's back.

Anyway.

"Theocritus!" he moaned. Well, he moans all the time. This was a plaintive one instead of a razor-burn-on-the-leg moan. "You've told me about straight people before..."

"Yes, Bruno, there are straight people. Like your parents."

"What? My parents aren't straight!"

"Bullshit, Bruno. Where did you come from? An egg? Well, I mean there are times that that seems possible although we do live only 176 miles from Roswell."

"I'm not from an egg or a flying saucer! And my parents are not breeders!"

"Oh? Do tell."

"My parents are Patti Lupone and Mandy Pitikin!"

He was painting his toe nails, and I'm convinced that with a little training, he could paint car hoods in a body shop, and so he didn't see me when I picked up one of his 6" wedges and laid into him just like Trayvon Martin laid into George Zimmerman.

So thank you Blogunov. I'm not at all sure if Bruno got your point. But I know that you distracted him so he could get my point.

Next time you're here at the Rancho, I'll let you have the guest room with the door that really does lock.

I promise.

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Theo, my eyes are misting over for Bruno's anguished spirit. It's tough to come to terms with the shame of one's heterosexual ancestry, but there's hope. Understand that he's still haunted by the playground taunts of his childhood, among them such vicious choruses as "Bruno's got a dad-dy, Bruno's got a mom-my!" He still recalls little Heather, the feminist bully, bowing her tiny chest and proclaiming proudly through the gap in her front teeth, "I don't have a daddy!" You can feel his pain.
Bruno will get past the shock of realizing the truth, and it's no small thing; it's like finding out in adulthood that you were adopted after all. Now once he becomes reconciled to his past, he may begin to develop what Mr. Ferguson calls, "them hetrosexual feelins". In that case, he'll begin to feel like an outsider all over again, at least until heterosexuals are mainstreamed into society which may never happen.
He needs you, Theo.

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A-Ten-Hut!

Fall in line maggots.

I start to sense some hetrophobia manifesting in this sewer. Now all you liberal pinko commies have been screaming for diversity and equality. WELL NOW YOU HAVE IT.

You can be both homophobic and hetrophobic at the same time, compliments of Sarge.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE

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General Confusion wrote:The International Olympic Committee has a distinct shortage of pole vaulters.

Here Here soldier.

Muff diving is the best sport, (next to killing Charlie that is).


 
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