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E-mail itKhatami In Harvard: Mullahs and Liberals Not That Different!
 | While former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's visit to the land of The Great Satan is welcomed by all progressive sleeper cells inside this country, his message of tolerance and moderation has become an object of vicious attacks from such hate groups as the Episcopal Church, the Jewish Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's office. The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater Good™. |
| Iranian Mullah to Liberal Professors: We are more alike than we are different! Khatami: Don't let the terminology confuse you. The so-called "liberal professors" of whom Iranian academia is being allegedly purged are not what you normally call "liberal professors" in America. I assure you that Ward Churchill types are NOT being thrown out of the windows of Tehran University these days. On the contrary, our schools are being purged of the malicious proponents of such hurtful Western notions as "reason," "objective reality," and "scientific integrity" - something the American academia has been successfully doing all along. That is why cultural dialogues are so important - they help clear up misunderstandings like these and realize that indeed, we are more alike than we are different. |
"We can understand Romney's disagreement with Khatami in order to pander to his Islamophobic constituency," said Harvard's spokesperson Melody Feelgood. "We nonetheless believe that active and open dialogue with this country's self-created "enemies" is a critical part of an effective anti-American education of our students, especially on the eve of these very annoying jingoistic 9/11 ceremonies."
"Such cultural exchanges are bound to show just how much we have in common with the Iranian Mullahs," added a Harvard professor of Deconstructionist Philosophy. "Both their mullahs and our professors deny mind and reality as a source of knowledge, actively purge academia of heretics, work to impose our enlightened views on the ignorant populace, consider Israel an illegitimate entity, and want to see America ultimately defeated - and, if possible, destroyed. And, of course, we and they share a fervent, relentless, spiteful hatred for George W. Bush."
 Mullah Khatami: If he's good enough for Chavez, he's good enough for Harvard! |
"I hope that the incredibly talented students at Harvard will grill Khatami on the many issues which prevent America from being a responsible member of the world community," said Joseph Bombgluck who teaches Comparative Histrionics. "Khatami should be expecting to answer some hard-ball questions about the legitimacy of falsified elections in Florida and Ohio, the Republican genocide of African Americans in New Orleans, the corporate glass ceiling that denies women access to the boardrooms, the absence of free healthcare, and the primitive American mindset that views President Bush as some sort of 'supreme leader.'"
The school campus is abuzz with preparations as many non-conformist student activists are putting together posters and placards saying We surrender! We're Sorry! Students For Civil Rights Welcome Khatami! We Switched Sides Long Time Ago! 444 Days Was Not Long Enough! Khatami for US President!
Both students and teachers will hold the placards as the Iranian Mullah delivers his speech titled "Ethics of Tolerance in the Age of Violence" at the school's John F. Kennedy Jr. Forum at 4 p.m. on Sunday.
"We haven't seen such display of diversity and tolerance since we invited Goebbels to speak on racial justice and the ethics of anti-Semitism," said Ms Feelgood as she wiped off a tear. "I wish Mullah Khatami could stay a little longer for the evening of reflections on the ethics of anal rape and non-violent approaches to child molestation, in which convicted child molesters will instruct students on the importance of respecting civil rights of child molesters."
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Chairman Meow-Say-Pun
I am envious of the Harvard students, the only thing we get to do at my school in the name of progress is sing happy birthday to Charles Darwin and present a cake to his portrait...There is nothing to ashamed of for sacrificing food to the god of evolution; he deserves all the cake and dead baby sacrifices he can get. After all, he earned them!
Chairman Meow-Say-Pun
I am envious of the Harvard students, the only thing we get to do at my school in the name of progress is sing happy birthday to Charles Darwin and present a cake to his portrait...My sympathies go out to you, Chairman. The university I attended is so progressive that a week before the failed electoral revolution in 2004, the school had our great mentor, Michael Moore, come give a righteous Republican and BusHitler bashing speech, urging the progressive students in the crowd to "pick their noses and pick Kerry." The university was so ahead of others in that they used tuition money and the taxpayers' money to pay Mr. Moore to re-educate the masses. However, a reactionary attorney filed a lawsuit, claiming that using taxmoney for a "campaign speech" violated federal law. The university struck back, citing that it was expressing diversity. And it did express diversity! Prior to Comrade Moore's speech, the campus was overstocked with spoiled white kids preaching about social justice. But Mr. Moore's presence brought diversity in the form of an overweight millionaire that understands the plight of the little guy.
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