Jobless GM Automakers Celebrate Saving The Planet

American automakers responded with great enthusiasm to yesterday's decision by General Motors to compost its gas-guzzling business model and close four pickup truck and SUV plants - a unilateral gesture of good will towards the environment that will result in 10,000 lost jobs. The automaker communities are widely celebrating the event with eco-friendly block parties, Earth fairs, outdoor concerts of New Age music, drum circles in the wilderness, meditations, body painting, and unrhymed poetry readings that venerate the earth as a living, spiritual being that feels pain when it is being drilled for oil.

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GM Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner said before the automakers' annual meeting in Delaware that his conscience is finally clear of concerns about Global Warming and saving the polar bears. "Jobs should no longer be viewed as the source of income, economic stability, and overall satisfaction, because the government is supposed to take care of all that," he said. "Do we dream of bringing back industry? Or do we recognize that technology is an abomination against nature; that free enterprise is exploitation; that private property ownership is impossible; and Western Culture is the root of all evil?"

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick announces the city's new eco- friendly slogan: "ZERO JOBS EQUAL ZERO EMISSIONS."

A former GM mechanic and now unemployed Matt Novak, 45, said he was thankful that saving the earth from oil extraction has finally outranked concerns about jobs and economy. "I may have no paycheck but I'm really excited that the caribou herds in ANWR are going to be safe and Big Oil executives are going to eat shit," he wrote in a touching poem dedicated to his wife and six children, that won a prestigious Earth Poet award at a storytelling festival in Ohio yesterday.

Wagoner announced the moves in response to a GM-sponsored scientific study that discovered a direct correlation between industrial layoffs and cleaner environment. "The more people laid off, the better it is for the planet. Some day we will hopefully reach a plateau where we will have zero jobs and a perfect spiritual bond with Mother Earth," said GM Chairman.

Wagoner said he was glad to help the American automakers to lead the rest of the world by example in adopting environmentally friendly lifestyles. "Some people may call you unemployed, but they will be wrong. You are not unemployed - you are the ecologically aware non-income-earning earth-friendly members of society."

"Finally you and your families will be able to live on the same diet as the caribou in ANWR, who are known for their lean and healthy looks," Wagoner said.

The automakers were then asked to tune in to the crystal matrix frequency (Mother Earth's heartbeat) and to relax.

When questioned about the chance of allocating products to the idling plants in the future, Mr. Wagoner told the audiences to concentrate on a cloud floating overhead, to invite the cloud in to fill their empty souls, and to accept the cloud spirit as the leader and guide for their lives.

In line with the green theme of the event, the General Motors administration created a special Saving Gaia Pledge Wall, which laid-off automakers were encouraged to decorate with symbolic drawings reflecting on their personal plans of greenifying the Earth.

Wagoner's personal plans of greenifying the Earth included cutting 19,000 more jobs in the next few months, while making sure that the layoffs are conducted in "as environmentally friendly manner as possible."

 

That'll show the bourgeois auto workers that living expenses and eating are detrimental to the welfare of our animal comrades! I mean, why be bothered with jobs now that we have Grandfather Obamessiah well on the way to leading us to the abyss...er, I mean Marxist Utopia.
 

This Wagoner should be ashamed. The Peoples environment needs to be protected more. He should eliminate GM entirely and the evil capitalist executives should be keelhauled.
 

My biological father bought a 500 cubic inch V-8, Cadillac Eldorado convertable with red leather seats from, that had been a pace car for 1973 Indy 500, from a guy that was trying to get rid of it, given the gas price explosion of the late 70s. He put it under a cover and stored it in his garage for the next 10 years, then enjoyed the hell out of it in the 80s when gas had tumbled back down. Where I some bourgeoisie believer in private property, I might go looking for a nice corvette about now.

RIK
 

Now there's change we can all believe in! Welcome back to the '70s, Comrades.
 

Commissar M, your face in the avatar has changed. Have you undergone plastic surgery as part of an infiltration project, or are the uranium mines having such a rejuvenating effect on you?
 

Denmark anouces Miss Hijab Contest. Pelosi takes lead.

 

Alas, too little, too late. The Nippon Motor Works has just released the ultimate eco-friendly car, the Pious, which runs on self-righteousness. Under the coming Alabama Regime, we'll never run short of that.
 

Perhaps we should simply nationalize the auto industry. This would allow it to be driven into the ground far more quickly and efficiently.
 

Red Square

Commissar M, your face in the avatar has changed. Have you undergone plastic surgery as part of an infiltration project, or are the uranium mines having such a rejuvenating effect on you?

If it's the latter, then I see a business opportunity new government program here! We could get more people to volunteer for work in the uranium mines with the promise of eternal youth, and put those greedy plastic surgeons and botox peddlers out of business! The nerve of them--trying to profit from the vanity of innocent people.

In the meantime, since we're going to be eating what the caribou eat from now on, I thought I'd do a little research to see what's for dinner:

Cladonia rangiferina - also known as "caribou moss." Yum yum!

Off to google for recipes . . .
 

What's next, dahlinks? Sending displaced workers to ANWR as fodder for the endangered polar bears?



 

Of course, didn't you know?
 

Red Square

Commissar M, your face in the avatar has changed. Have you undergone plastic surgery as part of an infiltration project, or are the uranium mines having such a rejuvenating effect on you?

It's all due to the Messiah's embryonic stem cell research program. Now, true Progressives can literally, not just figuratively, make themselves over! For a metahuman Progressive Messiah capable of single-handedly healing the Earth, lowering the levels of the oceans and creating jobs for the jobless out of thin air, nothing is impossible.
 

Truly this is a glorious day for the church of climatology. GM has learned that the days of automobiles are done. I see days when all Americans are forced to use government public transportation


 

Makes me too sick to even have anything funny to say..
 

GM
oo
tn
e
y
?
'cause we're out.

Leak: GM to trade Hummer division for People's Trabant Motor Company. Yugo also eyed.
GM -- Mark of Ignorance.
 

All you laid off workers--don't worry. Even socialist leadership icons like me occasionally are required for new ways to fleece, er, serve the people.
 

I'll drink to that.
 

Where's THAT woman?
 

Job Opening:

Vice-Engineer on the Jive Talk Express.

H, we'll take ya. We need someone experienced to steamroll the Conservatives.
 

I'll do sloppy seconds . . .
 

The story above originated from our phone conversation with General Secretary, as well as pearls of wisdom such as this:

Marxist author Grace Lee Boggs from Detroit

Most people think that jobs are the answer to racism, to poverty, etc. We have to understand that jobs no longer play the role they did in periods of scarcity. We need to measure the worth of a human being in very different ways. Do we dream of bringing back industry? Or do we recognize that, to be a human being, you have to have a different relationship with the earth, a different relationship with your fellow citizens, a different relationship between country and city. So many changes need to take place. How do we translate that into struggle? Into organizing?"
– Detroit author Grace Lee Boggs from Revolutionis a New Beginning
 

Comrades, need I remind you all that there is nothing to worry about here. The People's Messiah has promised, among other things, jobs for the jobless. Remember that among the President's many powers is the ability to simply "create new jobs" and even whole industries. Once Bush is gone, The Messiah will simply be able to give all these people new, high paying jobs that cannot be outsourced to other countries and also free universal healthcare. While we're at it, we'll also be able to run our entire economy with wise and benign central government management and power everything with cheap, renewable fuels that produce no emissions,waste or by-products.
 

GM has not seen the progressive green light. They are responding to what capitalist philosphers call "market forces". If only the government would do its job and tell the "consumer" which cars to buy, those plants could have been closed long ago. The rightist media spins the story as if closing the plants is enough. GM should close the plants but keep the workers, based on a fair assessment of thier race/gender/perversions/party loyalty/carbon footprint, etc., of course.
 

Fellow Party Members!

We salute our auto makers for stopping the madness. We too have been working diligently and we have great news from the Global Front for Healthcare!

As you know, we Health Care Providers have been working tirelessly to bring errant man back into nature's bosom. Our new initiative, "Roots for Humanity" has indeed flourished and promises to end all conflict, global warming and pollution in one fell swoop. Based on my original hypothesis that the environment radically alters the human physique, we began our planting project several years ago. Children aged 10 to 16 (only the hardiest ones) were buried to the waist at our research facility in Grade A soil. Of course the goal was to create a human capable of rooting and using mother Earth for nutrients. In adition no conflict could occur since roots would prevent unnecessary aggressive movements. No more cars is an added benefit, since they will no longer be needed.

Well, not only has our experiment been a grand success, but we have also seen these children grow into adulthood and bear fruit . . . literally! The girls seem to grow grape-like fruit from the skin with small seeds that once buried create small eco-friendly children. They self bury and take root almost immediately. The boys produce banannaesque fruit from the armpits.

These "children of the future" use CO2! They produce food! They do not fight!

The future is here my friends.
 

Do any of my fellow comrades have any reading recommendations on How To Fuch Up Your Country and Your Life Cost Effectively?

As a former member of the now defunct capitalist regime I've now seen the light and am trying to amend my ways.... But whenever I try to google "loser, failed, miserable, starving, homeless," etc., all I get in a link to the DNC.

I'm convinced we are not going to hell in hand basket fast enough. Trying to speed up the process makes sense, I just don't know how to do it.

How about it?
 

Welcome back, esteemed Comrade Fuku! If what you describe is true, glorious utopia is just around the corner! The most heartening part is that such rooted human "plants" will require a class of moving "gardeners" to take care of their immediate needs and bring them voting booths so they could vote for the continuation of this perfect humane system. Eventually, of course, when it becomes clear that no alternative to such system exists, voting will wither away along with family, state, and private property.
 

Navigator

.... we are not going to hell in hand basket fast enough. Trying to speed up the process makes sense, I just don't know how to do it.

That gives me an idea for a picture.



I'll post it in the Denver thread as well.
 

I like it!
'Cept maybe: "We Are Not Going To Hell In A Hand basket Fast Enough!"

A little stronger colors on the red, white and blue... I mean ... I know get your drift but the intended audiences in the Blue states, colorblind of course, will miss it.

;-)
 

Like this?


 

Can I have your baby?
;-)
 

Perhaps instead of "process" it should be "progress"
 

Ahem...back to production.


Ummm....What about "change"?

Vote Obama To Speed Up The Change!

However, going to hell in a hand basket is a process.
An Obama World sure ain't progress.

Technically, he and we will be safe with "change".

All great satire is done with the fewest words possible.

Then what about?:

Vote Obama to Speed It Up!

or

Speed It UP!
Vote Obama!

Or

Vote Obama!

In some cases:

Vote! (For the dead Obama voters)
 

Comrades, I am glad to meet you all. Soon we will have Obama in our faces every time we turn on the Peoples TV, As for GM, Nationalize all companies. and We can all pretend to work. they will pretend to pay us.
 

Comrades, I am not certain where this adulation of Senator Obama is taking us.

In strict accordance with the principles of the People's Party, so-called "democratic" electoral processes are but pandering to the arrogant zionist-controlled electoral lobbies, and are frankly an anathema to truly progressive group-thought (which, of course, every so-called lickspittle capitalist swine lap-dog "democracy" truly should be).

My simple suggestion is this, Comrades: Let us forestall the zionist attempts to inculcate the unwashed masses with untold millions of dollars of advertising - let us instead divert those funds to the most needy Comrades, and let us simply ANNOINT our Candidate, Barrack Hussein Obama!
 

We should All just jump in the ZIL waste the peoples fuel.
 

Dont rejoice too soon comrades, the auto worker that have been laid off are still benefiting from thier capitalist owners with a severance package that pays them full salary & benefits for the next 3 years & offers retraining.
 

Capitalist Pigs!!! These Auto workers should give those big fat checks to our future comrade leader, Obamination. He and Comrade Aires, wearing tees shirts with the likeness of Che on them, could capture the hearts and minds, and run off those peskie Freedom loving people it will be much better when the Obama government gives you what they feel you are worth. Sure they will live like Kings, and you will be a pheasant, starving and smelly but is that what makes life worth living Right Comrades?
 

The socialists in this country have finally gone bonkers. I did get a good laugh out of the article though.
 

Seriously, I haven't seen gas prices this low in my whole life.

Although I never payed attention to gas prices until a few years ago....
 

Greetings Comrades!
It warms my collectivist heart to see the Capitalist Pigs take one for the environment. Even though this has been the coldest winter in a decade, global warming is insidious!

We must stand united against the vile Plutocrats and their Dodge Rams and Ford F-350's! Because in our proletarian dreamland, environmentcrime is almost as bad as thoughtcrime

Just remember kids: Big Brother is Watching.