Iraqi Group Demands Withdrawal of Western Moonbats

In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell."

The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.

"Enough is enough," a masked group leader said to the camera in good English with a soft Iraqi accent. "We have given these clowns a lot of credit in the past. Their premise that we can't govern ourselves without a fascist dictator was insulting to our intelligence, but we forgave them, believing that they were well-intentioned, albeit misguided nutjobs. Their slights were offensive but we thought they had been misinformed about what life had been like under Saddam Hussein. We pitied them because we knew they had been mentally abused by communist professors in college. But how many more innocent Iraqis must die at the hands of Zarqawi and his foreign goons before the spoiled buffoons in the West realize that supporting terrorists and opposing democratic forces is not only diabolically immoral, but also atrociously criminal!"

Attention progressives - put your money where your mouth is and start supporting progress - or else!

The leader, who requested that he be called "Ranger of Freedom," took a moment to poke one of the hostages in the head and continued, "We had hoped that our recent democratic election with a 70% participation rate, would finally teach these geniuses that what most Iraqis want is the rule of law and the end of violence. But their subversive activities and mendacious reporting have proved to us that the last thing these kooks want is peace and the well-being of the Iraqi people. They are, in effect, enemies of Iraqis, just like the Jordanian Zarqawi gang. Why are they here then? To advance their political and ideological agendas at the expense of our lives and freedoms? Screw them!"

"In addition to a complete and unconditional withdrawal of all Western moonbats from Iraq, we demand that the liberal Democrats in the US Congress shut up about the rights of al Qaeda detainees. What rights? The scum of the earth who car-bomb our women and children on market squares must burn in hell along with their abettors! Stop hampering the War on Terror, and generally don't say things you can't possibly understand. American TV networks must stop badgering President Bush with phony accusations and, instead, get on the side of progress and liberty with the rest of the American people. The Hollywood degenerates must get a moral backbone, ditch Michael Moore and George Clooney, and start making movies that actually support the spreading of liberty in the world instead of portraying the freest country known to man as the worst and the dingiest place on earth!"

"If our demands are not met," the leader of the previously unknown militant group continued, "we will hand over these hostages straight to the terrorists whom they came here to abet. Such action will be morally justified. If the terrorists cut off their heads with a rusty saw, we will call it poetic justice."

As they did when Islamic militants recently kidnapped some of their members, Christian Peacemaker Teams leaders started writing an urgent appeal to the captors - but quickly abandoned the idea because, as opposed to the Islamic militants, they couldn't hope to establish common ground with this particular group, let alone find a plausible excuse for the CPT activities.

Reuters, whose journalist is held captive, has issued the following statement: "We have always believed in moral relativity, maintaining that one man's "terrorist" is another man's "freedom fighter." Never before in our coverage, even after 9/11, did we use the word "terrorist" without scare quotes. But the action by the "Swords of Democracy" has taught us a lesson in morality. In a moment of moral clarity, we declare that good and evil are, indeed, absolute. From now we will call the strain of political thought espoused by the "Swords of Democracy" terrorism - without any scare quotes around it.