Iraq has failed to meet most of the congressionally mandated benchmarks, says a draft of a report obtained by The People's Cube.

"Overall, cure for cancer has not been found, a manned mission to Uranus is being delayed, and it is unclear whether the Iraqi government will ever install gold-plated urinals in Falujah's public toilets," the report says.

The document contradicts the Bush administration's conclusion in July that the average number of Iraqi gay-pride parades in urban areas has increased.

"While there have been fewer attacks against U.S. forces," it notes, Iraq still suffers from"a glaring lack of midnight basketball facilities for the insurgent youths, as well as an acceptable plastic recycling program." It also finds that sex education in kindergartens with free condom handouts is lagging behind, while gender bias against female suicide bombers remains unchanged.

The GAO draft concludes that two benchmarks - the outreach program to the transgendered community and the nationalization of camel-herding industry - have been"partially met." Little of the allocated money, however, has been spent on pork. While the goal to unionize Farmers Markets has been achieved, the others, including the needle exchange program and the conversion of all government vehicles to hydrogen fuel-cell technology have failed.

"Prospects for enacting these benchmarks have been complicated by the withdrawal of many Iraqi Cabinet members who refused to sign a constitutional amendment giving full human rights to animals," the report says. This boycott ends any claim by the Shiite-dominated coalition to be a government of change for social progress and multicultural awareness.

In related news: Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism

The slaughter in Iraq will be well worth it for the Iraqis. Here's how it works: The death and destruction will boost the popularity and strength of our Empress, as she blames the Bushitler for the ensuing chaos. The media will run stories day and night about how this outcome was planned by Karl Rove from the very beginning. The resulting support for the Democrats, at home and abroad, will allow us to take many great leaps forward in a short time. Then, instead of exporting capitalist slavery around the globe, we will export progressive revolution and social justice. Those Iraqis lucky enough to survive the carnage can of course come live in the US, because there won't be any immigration controls. Those who stay can implement the perfect society where they live--under the guidance of the Party, of course. And we can court-martial a few soldiers for war crimes and ship them back to Baghdad to be dragged through the streets. That will smooth the transition to Party rule.

The Iraqi government has also failed to ensure that every store in Baghdad has signs in English as well as Arabic. In addition, not enough Iraqis are fluent in English, which may offend some American and British troops. While we all know American troops are uneducated war criminals, they need to feel at home as long as they are in Iraq, just as illegal immigrants need to feel like they are at home here.

P.S.: What do the words on the Official Party Seal on the memo say? It is a brilliant seal, however.

You mean Undocumented Americans*, Comrade Branish. There is no such thing as an illegal immigrant much less anything "illegal" in the paradise we have planned for AmeriKKKa. And speaking of paradise, Iraq should be a paradise by now with all the time we gave the uneducated monkey soldiers to fix things - not to mention all the money we spent which could've bought a few more rocks for your local crack addict in the form of government entitlements.

Hmmm.... I see the fact that the Bush Regime also failed to install high-speed broadband internet connections in every Iraqi home was not mentioned in that memo. I also see that no mention of the failure to turn Iraq green (literally, with trees, heavy vegetation and fields of green) wasn't listed in that memo as well. This disappoints me... greatly. But what is more disappointing is the image I have in my open mind of children - yes, the children - crying and bawling their eyes out because Iraqi Disney world is not yet constructed, completed and catering to their childish fantasies of gumdrop houses and candycane wishes. I hope Bush is happy that he made the children cry! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU BASTARD!

Branish wrote:What do the words on the Official Party Seal on the memo say? It is a brilliant seal, however.

Here it is - I lifted it off the Web by googling images. Don't know who made it, but I liked it a lot too.


As far as my knowledge of Latin goes, the top line says "Death Wins Over Everything" or in our revolutionary jargon, "We shall overcome."

It has so many layers of meaning - starting with Necro-Proxy voters (Necro-Americans) who always vote Democrat, and up to the Party controlling our lives from cradle to grave, deciding who lives and who doesn't - that's not even mentioning the killing fields and the Gulags... One man killed is a tragedy, a million is just statistics.

I think the Grim Reaper looks too cool to belong on a Democrat seal. Maybe a monkey with a big white flag?

Comrades,

I see no mention of taxing the rich, Universal Healthcare, bilingual education, feminist studies or "Hate-speech" laws directed at Rethugnacons and requirements for an "international court to try Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld/Ashcroft/Rove for war crimes. And you call yourselves good leftists? PSHAW

<<Character off. New at posting. Am I getting the characterization right? I'm going by the way my lib friends act>>

Premier Betty wrote:I think the Grim Reaper looks too cool to belong on a Democrat seal. Maybe a monkey with a big white flag?

You have a point there, of course no one will notice it under your ushanka. When it comes to death, taxes, regulation, self righteousness, Caring for the PeopleTM, fighting against global warming, peacemaking with jihidists, no one does it cooler than our democrats!

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I also see that no mention of the failure to turn Iraq green (literally, with trees, heavy vegetation and fields of green) wasn't listed in that memo as well. This disappoints me... greatly.

This shines the light on yet another glaring oversight in the plan: failure to achieve the gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country by a more equable distribution of population over the country! How in Marx's name can we realize a Green Iraq until we forcibly relocate everybody and start bulldozing homes to make room for more trees?

Red_Don wrote:<<Character off. New at posting. Am I getting the characterization right? I'm going by the way my lib friends act>>

You have learned well, comrade. The Cube is pleased by the great leaps forward you have made in your reeducation. Shortly, you will graduate from the Karl Marx Treatment Center and spread the glorious message of universal sameness for everybody!*

*It is understood that the more equal party members are always exempted from the dull sameness that we would impose on everybody else. For example, we will always have dachas that consume 20 times or more the energy of a single, crowded apartment with minimal utilities, and we will always have $400 haircuts available to us from the people's barber.

Comrade Blogunov wrote: *It is understood that the more equal party members are always exempted from the dull sameness that we would impose on everybody else. For example, we will always have dachas that consume 20 times or more the energy of a single, crowded apartment with minimal utilities, and we will always have $400 haircuts available to us from the people's barber.

Comrade, don't forget unlimited air travel via Gulfstream jets! And SUV's sporting bumper stickers screaming "No Blood for Oil!" And private schools for children of the Party Elite, for while the Party fully supports the public school system, our glorious elite must still be able to choose what is best for their own children, that they may grow up to be just as glorious and more knowing than the rest of us!

Starting with the memo. Manned space missions to Uranus are a completely apropos as a Democratic (meaning the party) benchmark. After all, who is more staunchly entrenched in Uranus than the Democrats.

The Seal is wonderful. If only the Church of Climatology had such a wonderful seal. I'll have to work on one. As a minister to said church (a church only in the acceptable communist ideal of a church, that is a body of loyal prols imititing Western subserviance to a non-existant being for the purpose of mockery) We too wish to be represented by one of the three remaining Horseman. Or Horsepersons if you will?

That segues nicely to an idea. We should write to the San Fransisco city council and ask them, as part of their recent proclimations to the Federal Government, that they demand the whore of Babylon be changed to a certain Republican Senator.

Also, the ass depicted in the seal should have fiery hooves, if nothing else

RIK

Red_Don wrote:New at posting. Am I getting the characterization right?

In order to fit into the collective and be a good poster you must first get in touch with your Inner Comrade™

How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade

Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow, deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general. Keep digging until the need for self-sacrifice overwhelms you. Breathe out selfishness, self-esteem, personal responsibility, and any thoughtcrimes that may have been haunting you. Allow shame, despair, guilt for your very existence, and blind faith in the Party doctrine to spread from the top of your head, all the way down to the tips of your fingers and toes, erasing every curvy line in your brain. This should take about five hours of uninterrupted self-criticism.

Once you feel totally guilty, worthless, and fearful, imagine yourself as a powerful Commissar in charge of purges, disappearances, and composting. Look into the piercing eyes of this Commissar and ask yourself these questions:

If you were a Commissar looking down at this worthless piece of crap with a shovel (you), what would you say to him/her/it?

- Will you be disgusted and feel an urge to squash this human stain for the common good?
- Will you denounce him/her/it as Enemy of the People?
- Will you want to promote him/her/it to the rank of your assistant in charge of composting Enemies of the People?
- Will you reward him/her/it with an extra rationing coupon?
- Or will you see something in those eyes that will turn your feet cold with fear and you will fall on your knees and announce the advent of the New Leader, Friend of People, and Father of Nations?

Once you know a clear answer to those questions, your self-criticism session is complete. You have discovered your Inner Comrade™

Repeat this exercise as many times as necessary. The Party will tell you when and for how long.

Comrade Blogunov wrote:This shines the light on yet another glaring oversight in the plan: failure to achieve the gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country by a more equable distribution of population over the country! How in Marx's name can we realize a Green Iraq until we forcibly relocate everybody and start bulldozing homes to make room for more trees?

If only it were that simple Comrade, then the job of the Inner Circle would be so much easier. But consider if one were to implement an "equatable" distribution of the population, what impact would this have on our dachas, our vineyards, the pleasure palaces of the MTE, the falconry estates where many of our finest progressive thinkers go to relax so that we can make the great plans for the State? Would you have my progressive meditations upset by the sight of common proles fighting over water puddles and beets?

Then you can not simply allow the proles to relocate where they choose. Would it not be more beneficial For the PeopleTM to have our finest farmers, and those less educated in Progressive Thought to till the more arid, rocky, and otherwise unsuitable grounds?

The national and cultural backgrounds of the proles must also be considered. In order to promote a more diverse society, it is essential that we locate relocate entire provinces to other areas far from their birthplace and heritage, at our whim, in order to give them a new outlook on their place in the State.

As you can see, it is a heavy load we must bear, but we do so For the Greater GoodTM. Heil Hillary!

Comrade Pup! That's ™

™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™
™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™
Please copy this symbol of the Party's monopoly in all issues, save it in a secure location, and use as required without having to resort to complicated coding (that's assuming you're doing it yourself and not having less-equal pups do it for you).

BTW, should a high-ranking Party pup stoop to licking himself, or should he have the proles do it for him?

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote: I also see that no mention of the failure to turn Iraq green (literally, with trees, heavy vegetation and fields of green) wasn't listed in that memo as well.

Chairman, the only "green" part of Iraq is the "green zone" in Bagdad, where the headquarters for Bush's illegal occupation for oil are... and it's green in name only! I was shocked when I first found out that it's just a "safe zone!" Prior, I had thought it was the only environmentally friendly area in a big sandbox, full of lush green trees and solar panels.

However, I have heard propaganda by the Reich wingers that some marshes in southern Iraq have been restored, after they had been drained under the command of President Saddam. BS!!! President Saddam Hussein was a progressive who understood the critical nature of the environment (b/c of Bush's policies). He was enormously popular (98% of the vote, almost twice more than Bu$h!). Just another Pentagon lie to make it look like there is progress.

Red Square wrote:Comrade Pup! That's ™

™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™
™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™
Please copy this symbol of the Party's monopoly in all issues, save it in a secure location, and use as required without having to resort to complicated coding (that's assuming you're doing it yourself and not having less-equal pups do it for you).

BTW, should a high-ranking Party pup stoop to licking himself, or should he have the proles do it for him?

Many pardons. I have been trying to see the code being used here, but I found I only have edit abilities to see the codes in the forum? So I stuggled along with my sad imitation. But would this be acceptable as well? For The Children® Alas, I knew there was an easier way, but was just too tired from going over my renunciation lists... Just hold your Alt key and enter 0153 and you will get ™

As for the other question, alas, the Pup has not found a prole that was clean enough to do the needed licking, so he has had to resort to Party Prole Dolls™!

But more importantly, was my doctrine correct in the post above?

Your doctrine, comrade, was as sharp, straight, and smooth, as a well-maintained proletarian shovel on my wall.

And my shovel is always sharp because being a high-ranking Party apparatchik I haven't used in in years and just keep it in my living room for display of my proletarian roots, right next to the hammer and the sickle which I claim belonged to my poor toiling grandparents (whose fat bourgeois asses I had to hide from the public in a remote underground location, where they are residing under a strict supervision of a loyal male nurse with a sour breath).

This is most encouraging. I am working hard to purify my thoughts and absorb Good Think™ so that it becomes my very essence. It is important to keep some keepsakes to always remind oneself of our roots with the working class. I myself treasure various whips and other leather accessories from my days "o the farm."

Commissar Pupovich wrote:If only it were that simple Comrade, then the job of the Inner Circle would be so much easier. But consider if one were to implement an "equatable" distribution of the population, what impact would this have on our dachas, our vineyards, the pleasure palaces of the MTE, the falconry estates where many of our finest progressive thinkers go to relax so that we can make the great plans for the State? Would you have my progressive meditations upset by the sight of common proles fighting over water puddles and beets?

My dear commissar, I have always consistently defended the foundational and inexorable party principle of Greater Equality Has Its Privileges. Never in the lifetime of Lenin's refrigerated corpse would I ever suggest that we would deny ourselves the more equable land with its more equitable estates. Under my plan of forcible relocation, we would retain larger and greener property along the riverfront while the leftover proletarian compost would be moved to the more arid regions that they will shortly fertilize. The only proles you would see would be those on all fours who day and night sweep dust and debris away from your 40ft bronze likeness and the plaza which adorns the entrance to your, uh, the people's dacha. In fact, the soothing sound of busy, hand held whiskbrooms provides a relaxing and meditative rhythm that is conducive to the cerebral activities of the Great Geniuses, such as yourself, who daily struggle for the Greater Good™.

Comrade Blogunov wrote:Under my plan of forcible relocation...

An important addendum, comrades! Only we shall refer to this as "forcible relocation" and that only among ourselves. Publicly, the plan will be called "Saving the Children!"

Comrade Blogunov, I am pleased to see that your intentions were good, and that is all that counts Da? I will be pleased to put in a request to raise your vodka rations!

If I may make so bold, comrade commissar, I would like to humbly request an increase in my borscht ration as well. While I live in the Glorious Red State of Georgia, borscht is in very short supply at the local Waffle Houses. This is yet another example which proves how the martyred proletariat writhe in borschtless agony under the iron heel of their capitalist overlords.

Of course, thank you for the most generous increase in the vodka rations. Many of us have been reduced to distilling diesel fuel from the tractors on the collective, and it leaves an awful aftertaste.

Comrade Blogunov wrote:If I may make so bold, comrade commissar, I would like to humbly request an increase in my borscht ration as well. While I live in the Glorious Red State of Georgia, borscht is in very short supply at the local Waffle Houses. This is yet another example which proves how the martyred proletariat writhe in borschtless agony under the iron heel of their capitalist overlords.

Of course, thank you for the most generous increase in the vodka rations. Many of us have been reduced to distilling diesel fuel from the tractors on the collective, and it leaves an awful aftertaste.

Is this a test? Wishing to see if the Commissar will overlook your admission of using diesel fuel for your tractors, so generously provided by the Party so that you can feed yourself, so you can distill it for vodka? Then on top of this, to ask for an increase in your borsht ration as well? Perhaps you will find the borscht more to your liking in the re-education camps?

Hmmmm, yeah, ummm, we kind of replaced the borscht in the re-education camps with what we are calling "borscht-lite" which is a water and frozen grass substitute. Yeah, budget constraints, you know the drill... I hope everyone can understand.

With that said and out of the way, I do have some good news I would like to share with the collective. Trips to the re-education camps are being cut in half due to our decision to just shoot offenders on sight! I know! This is a great leap for Progress! Go on, everyone... give yourself a pat on back! You are all doing a fabulous job! I especially want to thank Department 2-G for coming up with the idea to shoot first and interrogate later. Because of their hard work and dedication, the Party is saving a whopping $32.50 a month! Yes! I know! Isn't it just wonderful! A round of applause for Department 2-G for coming up with this brilliant solution!

That is wonderful news indeed! Now if only we could find an efficient way to recycle the bullets. As you know, our last idea to line up multiple offenders in a row so that one bullet would do the job was less than effective due to unfortunate deflection of the bullets which left some offenders merely writhing in pain, and in one case, a bullet was deflected so that it actually fell into my Mint Julep!

I have also yet to see any Jewish, hippy, homosexual, trans gendered Jihadis integrated into al Qaeda's leadership.

<img src="https://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2005/09 ... 30x239.jpg">
The only exception being Adam Gadahn.

Red Square wrote:How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade
[...]
Repeat this exercise as many times as necessary. The Party will tell you when and for how long.

EXAMPLE:

Sister Massively Opiated, Comrade Otis, and Commissar Theocritus undergo a mandatory session of self-criticism (aka sensitivity awareness training) in a never-ending quest for the Inner Comrade.

Commissar Pupovich wrote:Is this a test? Wishing to see if the Commissar will overlook your admission of using diesel fuel for your tractors, so generously provided by the Party so that you can feed yourself, so you can distill it for vodka? Then on top of this, to ask for an increase in your borsht ration as well? Perhaps you will find the borscht more to your liking in the re-education camps?

A test? No, commissar, progress! We have used our resources so efficiently under the inspiring leadership of the Party that we have diesel fuel to spare to celebrate the success of our latest Five Year Plan, and to drink to the health of our Esteemed Leaders – the Great Geniuses of the Revolution who daily toil for the Greater Good™! We even have enough diesel fuel left over to export it to our struggling comrades in Venezuela and Cuba! This is why, as you no doubt know through your intelligence gathering apparatus, that three times I have been awarded the coveted Hero of Cubist Labor Medal (well, it's true I awarded them to myself, but that's not the point – I still got them).

Nevertheless, if the Party sees fit to advance my reeducation, then I will go willingly. Besides, my parents, aunts, uncles, children, wife, cousins, nieces, nephews, and neighbors all report that the borscht at the reeducation camps isn't too bad, at least that's what the ones I've heard from say.

Very well, and I presume (and this will be checked thoroughly) that you have reported this kickback...er... export fees to the proper ministry. I must commend you for showing initiative by awarding yourself these medals.

The people's check is in the mail, Comrade Commissar.

Comrade Blogunov wrote:The people's check is in the mail, Comrade Commissar.

Er... not in the inefficient, non progressive US Mail I hope? How can I expect to skim... er... it to be on time that way?

Be sure that those toilets are Union made. Amerikkka has not yet managed to oust competing parties and become one unified Labor front as has our progressive leaders in Kalifornia.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Hmmmm, yeah, ummm, we kind of replaced the borscht in the re-education camps with what we are calling "borscht-lite" which is a water and frozen grass substitute. Yeah, budget constraints, you know the drill... I hope everyone can understand.

With that said and out of the way, I do have some good news I would like to share with the collective. Trips to the re-education camps are being cut in half due to our decision to just shoot offenders on sight! I know! This is a great leap for Progress! Go on, everyone... give yourself a pat on back! You are all doing a fabulous job! I especially want to thank Department 2-G for coming up with the idea to shoot first and interrogate later. Because of their hard work and dedication, the Party is saving a whopping $32.50 a month! Yes! I know! Isn't it just wonderful! A round of applause for Department 2-G for coming up with this brilliant solution!

Meow,

I just checked the KGB (a.k.a. BATFE) schedule for tomorrow. Department 2-G is scheduled to be shot tomorrow morning. How much money will shooting them save?

--
Blokhayev