Dems Focus On Dead Voter Turnout, Rally Graveyards

User avatar
In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption.

The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever!

Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle.

"We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead.

"Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."

Hannibal Lecter
ImageIn my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress.

Laika the Space Dog
ImageI have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.

Jerry Garcia
ImageScrew Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often!

Paul Wellstone
Image Its so fun I'm voting twice!

The notion that dead people invariably turn into staunch Democrat voters regardless of their prior convictions has become so deep-rooted in the Americans psyche that a new expression has come to life lately - as in "Haven't you heard? He fell from the barn and is now voting Democrat."

This kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."

Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional Democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare.

Says Democratic contender Bob Casey Jr: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"

Image Average voter:
"From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."

"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen.

"This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base," Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"

Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter.

"Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"

"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Good™. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."

Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Good™, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."

In other news:

Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants

"It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics."

Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

We would like to thank the entire Groupthink at the People's Cube and Communists For Kerry for contributing to this dead-on reporting.

User avatar
I can't read, but will pick the third option because I'm a bumbling idiot that likes the number three.

Blame the public schools.

I still like to wear a jump suit after eating beans....nothing like basking in the smell , very similar to an education at a public school immersion....

User avatar
I feel your pain™ comrade Premier and General Ivan (Ret.). But fear not, you will have a team of voter assistants to make certain you cast your multiple ballots to the Party.

User avatar
If we provide Medicaid we surely must NEVER stop the S.S. checks from rolling in to the necro-proxies. The cashing of said checks assisted by Party Leaders, of course...

User avatar
I must commend our Beloved Comrade Chairman Meow for creating a poll that is truly Progressive. For one, it is multiple choice; also, the are no "wrong" answers. All choices are equally valid.

User avatar
I voted "Yes, of course I do." They're Americans aren't they! Of course we'll provide them with federal Necro-Aid. LBJ would've called this The Grave Society.

User avatar
Yes, Necro-Aid, Social Security and what Dr. Palimpsest suggested "Medicaid Part D-ceased" are all excellent ways to give thanks and a helping hand to those who have served the Party all to well. With such great gifts of federal assistance, I am more than confident we will recieve a 100% necro-proxy turn out this election cycle, all voting Democrat of course.

User avatar
Sad news comrades. I've contacted several close relatives who've "passed on". While they were enthused about voting, apparently, they intended to remain RepugliKKKans. Worst of all, my Grandmother even compared Beloved Leader HRC to... *GASP* Eleanor Roosevelt! Let me tell 'ya, if Gramma compares you to Eleanor, that IS NOT a good thing.

User avatar
If Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!

User avatar
Chairman Meow S. Pun wrote:If Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!

Alas, I tried to warn her Comrade Chairman. Apparently, she was pretty unimpressed. Seems that Gramma, Dad and my sister have formed some kind of RepugliKKKan "Necro-refusnik" movement. *SIGH* How the hell did I end up being related to these people?

User avatar

Dear Chairman,

I hope you won't mind that I, in the most Orwellian manner, used my authority as the Internet Kommissar and <a>pimped up your original post</a> with some random words, pictures, and other agitprop materials that I pulled out of our collective consciousness.

-- Red Square

User avatar
What original post? This is the original post...nothing has changed Comrade Red, not that I can see, anyway.

Go Corpses!

Dead means vote Red wooo -hooo !!!Field Marshall ???I see..... how many boot stomped peasant children did you have to run down for that???

User avatar
I am but humble Party Chairman, of course my articles can be pimped up. I encourage it!

I am happy to report though that the momentum here in the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia is peaking. We are ready to send that guy we found that day named Webb to the senate to help ensure socialism for all!

REMINDER TO ALL USEFUL IDIOTS WITHIN PCVA: In the case of a "defeat", all mid-level Party apparatchiks within Richmond Party HQ are encouraged to make use of upper level windows, mine will also be available for your disposal. We simply cannot cover the cost this cycle for bullets, rope, therapy sessions or any other means of purging. Remember, the Parties defeat = your demise. So please, save us a couple nickles and make use of infrastructure to spare yourselves the shame of a show trial.


Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko

User avatar
Chairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...raping each other, cutting off ears, cutting off heads, taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power, cutting off limbs, blowing up bodies, randomly shooting at each other, razing their offices in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shooting dead voters for fun, poisoning food stock, and generally ravaging the countryside."

That would be "poetic justice," although not exactly in the Maya Angelow sense of "poetic."

User avatar
General Ivan wrote:Dead means vote Red wooo -hooo !!!Field Marshall ???I see..... how many boot stomped peasant children did you have to run down for that???
HRC promoted me here:

Executive Order No. 2006-1

<purged> will be executed January 21, 2009 at 1200 hrs underneath the platform on the Capitol steps.
<purged> will be executed with a lethal injection of Clostridium botulinum resulting in death by botulism.
Archie Bane Limpold is to report to the nearest re-education center immediately or the Ivy League school of his choice.
Private Pravda is breveted to Field Marshal Pravda for meritorious bravery and unwavering faithfulness during a time of extreme crisis.

Please note that this is a breveted promotion; no extra $, potatos, or vodka. I serve at HRC's that doesn't sound right.

At any rate, I am honored.

User avatar
Yes, comrade Redsquare! Excellenct suggestion. Blowing up bodies and hooking genitals up to fax modems is a creative and entertaining way of helping these failures to vote democrat. But for the sake of saving me filthy sweaty soft ca$h, the windows will be open and I do expect some to take that great leap of progressive faith.

Interesting note: Back to the future part II is playing on TBS, Teddy Turner is doing his part! Are you?

User avatar
I hope Flat Fatima remembered to register and vote Democrat...she can vote in the US, right?

User avatar
Of course she can! Everyone can vote in the U.S (that is if they are voting democrat). This rule also applies to everyone collectively in the universe. So any extra-terrestrials can also vote democrat. Oh, I almost forgot, characters mentioned in any literary work can also vote. We really need a big time consuming tax funded manual for all this who can vote BS.

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Chairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power...."

Sadly, today's portable telephones just don't have the cojone-frying power of the good old AN/PRC-77. Hooking jumpers cables between a car battery and the intended target works well, however. Fellow Commissars have also come up with various alternatives that work on household current and can be assembled from parts found at the local hardware store. As always, the Commissars of The People's Cube stand ready to assist Party apparatchicks in the use of these and other devices in the unlikely event that Party victory is not achieved.

User avatar
Commissar M, I answer your call. Please stand by in the event of a "defeat". I have a long list of idiots who are ready to give their lives and vote democrat.

User avatar
Rejoice comrades!

Early exit polls in Cook County Illinois show strong Democrat turn out in Assumption, Graceland, and Rosehill cemeteries!

All bodes well for Premier Blagojevich. With some good old fashioned Serbian ethnic cleansing, he will be able to keep Illinois blue for decades to come.

User avatar
Remember, vote early, vote often, and take the dead and undocumented to the polls today.

Chairman Meow S. Pun wrote: This kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."

So can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?

User avatar
Branish wrote:So can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
Excellent example! Get an extra ration card for a kilo of beets this November!

User avatar
The Democrats' best practices are taking over the world by storm. The progress-bound Iranian Mullahs learn only from the best! ... 18533.html

Even the dead get to participate in the Islamic regime's election

Iran Press News Blog wrote:Saeed Aboudi, deputy of legal affairs and birth records organization in an interview with the daily newspaper Tehran'eh Emrooz reported that the lack of voided birth certificates of a considerable percent of the dead to be a serious problem of the organization. The i.d.'s and birth certificates of the dead are bought and sold, their their photos are then removed and used for various things such as elections. Aboudi said: “To participate in the election the i.d.'s must have photos and polling branches officials must compare the photo with the individual who has shown up to vote and is presenting the i.d. and in the case of any misuse [of the i.d.], the authorities are legally bound to properly address the issue.”

Somebody send the Iranian Mullahs a memo that only backward countries are still using IDs in elections - while all the progressive humanity spearheaded by the Democratic Party have long abandoned the idea as a reactionary tool in the hands of the knuckle-dragging majority to preserve their so-called "constitution" and the archaic "rule of law."

User avatar
It is of course quite natural that the Democrats would extend suffrage to people who are actually dead instead of dead from the neck up. And people who are actually dead don't have the annoying habit of making a lot of noise, like rampaging hordes of soi-disant victims and mouthy queers (I can say that) and once having done their duty for God and Country, or whater their zeal du jour is to cover their 10th-degree-horn-dog lust for power, those people who rose magically in the 1st Tuesday of November of every even-number year can return to the grave, to molder until needed again to cast into outer darkness the evil Republicans.

(I have issues with the Republicans too; they've been taking lessons on from the Taxocrats on spending and some of the Religious Right receive messages from Saturn on their bridgework. Still, better gonnorhea than syphillis.)

Once Bill Buckley was introduced for a speech by a Texas A&M professor, who had done his homework. The last county in Texas to vote for Lyndon Johnson was Duval County, and those boxes came in last, waiting to see how many votes would be needed to send Landslide Lyndon into office.

Bill Buckey's grandfather was sheriff of Duval County. He died in 1906. He voted for LBJ.

User avatar
Theocritus sends us his post on Jessica's Well:

A preview of our next election
<br>Fox News gives us

[BLOCKQUOTE]Men Wheel Dead Roommate to Check Cashing Store, Arrested for Trying to Cash His Social Security Check[/BLOCKQUOTE]I suppose that this is will take the place of hanging chads, dimpledchads, chads of indeterminate mind, and chads which have not decided ontheir sexual orientation yet in the next hotly contested election whenDemocrats have a lot to lose.

Posted by Theocritus on January 9, 2008 9:07 AM

User avatar
The only good thing about election day is that in Texas it's also foreclosure day and I'll be foreclosing on the property of a deadbeat.

User avatar
Praise for your article, Chairman. We at the Cube have long held that being dead is a disability and ought not to be discriminated against.
However much it pains me, Chairman, I must point out what was doubtless an error by a lower level Party official who was really a Repugnantcan mole or some member of the Busheois aristocracy. I too used to believe there are 100 senators because in my ignorant, unenlightened youth I was taught there were 50 states which were represented by 2 senators each. There are in fact 61 states in the Caliphate United States, and therefore 122 senators. The One has spoken, therefore it is.

User avatar
Why stop at 61? Let's let all the world have Senators. After all, the Krauts Germans have complained that our president is more important than theirs, so they ought to vote. Let's let them all have senators and representatives, and not pay taxes of course, or defend themselves.

Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?

User avatar
Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?

And why not? Illinois made a horse's ass a senator.

User avatar
The blessed George Romero's research films prove the dead can be trained to bring about the will of their master. Ahhh... the cinematic beauty of it. Breath taking gun-shots to the head, decapitations, amputations, bodies ripped apart, entrails eaten, throat rippings. Much like the streets in my homeland after Friday prayers. I often watch with the sound down while I listen to Adhan. Allahu Akbar!!!

Where was I...., Oh anyway.... An equaler member of the party can become even more equal by distributing limbs and entrails of useless filthy dog republicans to the peace loving peoples. By spreading the wealth to the less successful a bond of honor is accomplished. The proles can then be trained to mimic speech "HOOOO...PEH", "OOOO...BOM...AHH" and such. Yes it is true. They soon learn that the hand feeding them is extended from the gloriously generous revolutionary party leader. And now dedicated to the cause forever.

User avatar
Brain in a Jar wrote:Illinois made a horse's ass a senator.
Not only the current one, but the sanctimonious Paul Simon, Carol Mosley Braun and just about all of the other ones too.

User avatar
Ah! Illinois has THREE Senators. And all are good donkey's rear ends party members?

What an excellent Idea! Just as the dead vote democrat, we should demand that liberal Senators stay in power for life AND death!

Who can imagine anyone other than Teddy as the Senior Senator from Taxsachusetts. After Teddy gets his Kennedy Memorial State Health Program passed into law, he will definitely remain in the Senate, voting democrat with the other two Junior Senators from his state.

What a glorious plan for the glorious revolution.

User avatar
Ivan Betinov, since you have donated your brain to the party, have you felt any ill effects? Do you think it reasonable to say take the odd bum from the street and put his brain, already pickled you know, into a jar and then onto the Senate floor? Not having hands or legs there will be no need to expand the senate for we could have entire racks of brains in jars, all voting, of course, Democratic.

User avatar
Commissar Theocritus wrote:Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?


User avatar

I thought being a horse's ass was a Constitutional requirement for anyone running for political position instead of being appointed by our enlightened elites. Of course, this set expression is inherently discriminatory to horses--surely Mr. Ed will defend himself in court against this slander!--so I propose "animal's ass."

Bias removed, personal experience (and, I assume, collective experience) indicates that "ass' ass" is more frequently apt than "elephant's ass."

I do acknowledge that when I assume, I make an ass out of you and me, as the military taught me.

User avatar
Tovarich, your military training was in error. In fact all military training is in error, unless it's al Qaeda training. Then that's okay. Peachy-keen and hunky-dory. They're freedom fighters, pace Reuters and therefore do not pose a threat to us. So if course Cheney was responsible for 9/11.

<i>The first rule of a good commissar is to assume.</i> Whatever you want; it doesn't matter. Because you will never pay the price. Repeat after me: <i>someone else pays</i>.

The Cube is the home of shiftless, irresponsible, shallow, vain, and greedy people. We are a distillation of the modern Democratic party.

If we were brain dead we'd be a distillation of the Republican party.

User avatar
Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

Before I continue further, let me say "Impailing for the Public Good" has much socio-economic potential. I expect it will prove more motivational than "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and an Oprabama propaganda session.

But to continue, I must disagree about military experience. I was able to play it as a case of victimhood that won me grade inflation and other benefits in my student days. Many academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.

User avatar
Tovarich wrote:Many academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.

This helps explain a lot. When a student at Rice, I got to know some of the professors socially. A very small school with a very high professor-to-student ratio. I was amazed at the battles over things which even I, at 21, thought worthless. Kissinger said that being SoS was easy after being on the Harvard faculty.

Pedagogy is terribly, crucially important but it can also be a sinecure for fearful people without a good sense of themselves. Which helps explain their bitchy responses, like a teased snake.

User avatar
Comrades, I am pleased to report that the Stalinistically efficient OSSR politboro, who discredited the enemy of the people's plumber, are working with acorn comrades in protecting the voting rights of the undead, despite pressure from capitalist press pig dogs:

<b> 3,000 Dead Voters Still Registered In Miami Valley</b>

<a href=""> Power to the Obamazombies! </a>

"No one can explain how dead people remain on the active rolls for years or how they vote from beyond the grave. We asked a local election officials if these are simply paperwork errors or something more sinister like voter fraud? Steve Harsman explains that true voter fraud is more rare than mistakes.

Harsman said, "In most cases, it's human error. That Boards of Elections will go in and delete the wrong person, or not delete them, or get their records mix-matched."

User avatar
What is the reward, comrades, for removing a necro-proxy voter? Nothing. You may piss off our comrades in the Democratic Party. It is the act of a fool to remove a necro-proxy voter, and it does not bode well for your survival.

Voters never die. They merely vote Democrat.

User avatar

Early exit polls suggest that cadavers are voting overwhelmingly for Obama! The DeMAOcratic Party's 'dig up some votes" campaign seems to be working! Fear the Reaper, he's a registered DeMAOcrat!


User avatar
I fully expect LBJ to have voted for Obama. And all of Duval County, Texas too.

What about the entire city of New Orleans, before Katrina?

User avatar
These strategies were fine for past elections, but we need to be forward thinking, Comrades.

For example why do we confine the right of the dead to vote to only the dead who lived in a certain jurisdiction at one time?

Why do we prevent the votes of the dead from re settling to where they can do the most good for the People?

We need to make this issue of posthumous relocation a priority before 2012. Just in case our plan to do away with the secret ballot is foiled.

User avatar
I take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.

User avatar
Commissar Theocritus wrote:I take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.


On your first point, it is obvious that the Union dead would The Party. Even a bitterclinger will remember that the U in USSR stands for Union; thus they could not argue against the fact that these Union dead would have a natural affinity for our side.

The Rebel dead obviously suffer from a great collective guilt. What better way to help wash this guilt clean than by support for our great and glorious Obamassiah?

On your second point with the cats, that point is well taken, assuming that they are politically reliable.

It also occurs to me that fictional characters are also given short shrift in the franchise of voting. I know that ACORN did try to correct this, but doubtless somewhere in America, Luke Skywalker was turned away from voting for The One.

User avatar
Speaking of the deceased, here's a fresh corpse who from now on will be voting Democrat for all eternity. And the circle of death continues...

With condolences from the Brutally Honest.

User avatar
Let us not forget that no other nation of any size is the slightest big concerned with those foolish civil rights that for some reason the conservatives like. Far better in the future when China does what it wants to do, like any good progressive.