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A Special Statement on the Clinton Campaign Hostage Crisis

POLL: We are not politicizing this situation in any shape or form and this is not a focus group poll.

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TO BE RELEASED IMMEDIATELY TO ALL PRESS ORGANS

As you are all well aware there was a hostage situation today at a Clinton campaign field office in Rochester, NH. At the moment there is little that we know about this white male perpetrator or why he is singling out the Clinton campaign. With that said, it is the expressed wish of the Party not to turn this situation into political speculation or to assume that this male is indeed a white middle-aged man who engages in heterosexual activity and is a registered Republican, an avid church-goer and a member of the NRA for purely political gain. We just aren't going to do it.

With that said, in no way, shape or form are we going to jump to the conclusion that this angry white male – who is possibly Christian – could be exacting revenge for the Clinton campaign's use of gardening techniques to plant liberal pansies in the Republican YouTube debate. Once again, we are not going to engage in political speculation or make the assumption that George Bush – with the help of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy in general – is in fact the true culprits of this terrible situation. We just aren't going to do it.

It simply isn't prudent right now in this time of fear and desperation to make random assumptions, speculation or to pin blame on certain Republican campaigns for sending this obviously deranged Right-wing nut-job into the Clinton campaign field office. It's also not prudent at this time to suggest that this man is a deranged Right-wing nut-job or is, in fact, a Barack Obama staffer trying to hurt Hillary's chances in New Hampshire. We are also not going to consider this “terrorism” since, as we all know, “terrorism” is just a bumper-sticker. We just aren't going to do it.

In the meantime we ask everyone to remain calm while our top strategist figure out ways to capitalize on this unfortunate event – which isn't for political gain, mind you – so that everyone's well-being can be served. Right now Senator Clinton has offered to negotiate with the mad Right-wing nut-job – who may or may not be an Obama campaign staffer, a member of a Republican campaign or a White House operative - so that she can put this situation to bed and so that she take credit for being the hero who saved her volunteers – a hero, mind you, that did it not for political gain but for the Common Good™.

In the event of speculation among our friends in the MSM, the Clinton campaign wishes for you to cease pinning blame on the above mentioned non-speculative claims that were mentioned solely for non-political purposes so that we, the Clinton campaign, will not gain politically from them. But, if you must use our non-speculative, non-political claims in order to get to the bottom of this situation then by all means do so. However, in no way does the Clinton campaign want the media to claim that this man was sent by the White House, the Giuliani campaign or is in need of quality free healthcare that only Hillary, upon becoming President, could possibly deliver. In no way do we want the media to claim that this man lost his child in George Bush's illegal war in Iraq and why that is the cause behind this man's attempt to contact Senator Clinton – who will, by the way, end the war upon becoming President.

So please, if you must speculate – and we rather you not although we understand if you must – please keep the above mentioned in mind and have photographers on hand when Hillary heroically carries the hostages out of the building.

Thank you,

Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko

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Hmm, I had my money bet that it was retribution against the MTE for your worst day ever..... Developing.....

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I would never bite the hand that feeds me, Comrade LoneRedStar. That is, of course, until that hand tires of feeding me.

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Unless that hand is kkkapitalism which we abuse like a street whore with a great personality until we can upgrade to the bimbo supermodel that is socialism.

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Personally Chairman, I believe this was a brilliant strategy you conceived... If you did it. How better could one show the depths of depravity these politics of personal destruction has reached... if you did it. Now while I know you would not try and capitalize on this by writing a book or anything, if you did it. but to be on the safe side, I have er... taken some stock share contributions from the publisher, if you did it. I just hope we can find the real right wing, dancing foot, Christian fascist republikan who did this.

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Meow,

What exactly did you put into this nut job's scotch?

--
Blokhayev

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Comrades! I have a confession to make. The man who took hostages in our MTE's campaign office is a sleeper agent I activated and instructed to carry out this mission for the common good. In the last unspecified number of years he has carefully constructed a persona exactly for this occasion. To the outside world he is known as the most loathsome creature on the face of the earth; a white, conservative, gun-loving male WHO PAYS TAXES! This will ensure an outrage which will benefit our MTE in the charade she is forced to take part in (elections) to get her rightful place as our General Secretary. In fact (and I'm telling you this because I know you won't tell anybody because you will be shot if you do) this man is a hero of the Soviet Union. He will be awarded the medal posthumously.

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:the most loathsome creature on the face of the earth; a white, conservative, gun-loving male WHO PAYS TAXES!

Kommissar.... have you lost your mind? We have nothing against someone paying taxes!

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Commissar Pupovich wrote: Kommissar.... have you lost your mind? We have nothing against someone paying taxes!

Dear comrade Popovich. I fear it is you who has lost your way. Perhaps a visit to one of my reeducation centers is in order? There is a good one in Murmansk.

The evil, (mostly) white, tax-paying middle class is our enemy. The fact thet they pay taxes is irrelevant althougt they deserve it for their past misdeads of imperialism and oppression of the prolateriat and our non-white friends. If it weren't for the reactionary middle class, our 1000 year Reich of communist bliss would have been realized long time ago. These people (*spit*) have been unfortunately resistant to the Truth™ even when packed in nice silk-wrappings of political correctness and guilt. The middle class will regret their stubbornness when our MTE is in power. There will be purges! Just wait.

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CUBEFLASH!


The VRWC is on to us!

I am taking Her Excellency's pearls or diamonds (strictly for safekeeping, mind you) and heading for The Bunker.

<Pinkie takes off running, skids to a halt, then turns and dashes back>

Ooops. Forgot the most important thing of all . . .

<Pinkie scoops of the last bottle of Putinka, and vanishes in a cloud of dust>

Punchenko,

You are hereby issued with a Golden Cube award for being able to write and communicate in proper English with syntax and punctuation. The days of misspelling and 3rd grade writing style may be coming to an end here at the Cube!!!!!!!

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:Dear comrade Popovich. I fear it is you who has lost your way. Perhaps a visit to one of my reeducation centers is in order? There is a good one in Murmansk.

The evil, (mostly) white, tax-paying middle class is our enemy. The fact thet they pay taxes is irrelevant

My Dear Erroneous Kommissar, I know your intentions are in the right place, so for this one time, I will overlook your impertinence. Did you see me say anything about white, middle class or anything else other than "tax paying?" No. I merely pointed out the obvious, that you should not have included "WHO PAYS TAXES" phrase. A lesser minded comrade could be confused by this. Even the statement taken as a whole is in error, for it states that "the most loathsome creature on the face of the earth; a white, conservative, gun-loving male WHO PAYS TAXES!" Clearly, there is an even more loathsome creature, and that would be a he most loathsome creature on the face of the earth; a "white, conservative, gun-loving male WHO DOES NOT PAY TAXES!"

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:Clearly, there is an even more loathsome creature, and that would be a he most loathsome creature on the face of the earth; a "white, conservative, gun-loving male WHO DOES NOT PAY TAXES!"

Ahhh I understand. There has been a misunderstanding caused be my vodka induced vagueness. I apologize. My statement should have been:

"White, conservative, gun-loving male WHO IS CAPABLE OF PAYING TAXES!"

This is in fact what I was thinking. Nothing is more repugnant to a true communist than a person who can afford more than sustenance of potatoes and cabbage. People who can take time off from working the fields or in the coal mines to think for themselves are a threat to the revolution.


Your friend,

Kommissar Vodkov

P.S I would be careful making threats to Kommissar Vodkov. His crack units of class-aware kamikaze socialists are everywhere, waiting to purge suspected enemies of the revolution.

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Kommissar (not the fine Kalashnikov brand) Vodkov wrote:...a person who can afford more than sustenance of potatoes and cabbage.

What is this "afford" of which you speak? All I know is the Sukhoi Pak given at the rations department.

Mmmmmmmmm... Stewed Beef!
<p><img src="https://www.mreinfo.com/images/ru/russi ... arts04.jpg" width="500"></p>

The Children™ always got the best gruel....
<p><img src="https://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3247139 ... 4F32AD3138" width="500"></p>

Jakob & Yuri enjoying Amy loaves:
<p><img src="https://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3313173 ... 4F32AD3138" width="500"></p>

Individualnovo Ratsiona Pitanee - Povsedyen: The only way to starve to death!
-Mikhail

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:[P.S I would be careful making threats to Kommissar Vodkov. His crack units of class-aware kamikaze socialists are everywhere, waiting to purge suspected enemies of the revolution.

I am glad we have an understanding... but don't forget, my crack units of the Directorate of Eco Prostitution and Mental Health....Many a fine comrade has forgotten what they have said or did in a "session" with one of my workers. However you can be sure, we never forget.

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UPDATE:

I inserted this very fitting picture of HRC into the leading story -

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I'm confident that SMO is already working on purging those few KKKapitalist drones who didn't vote "All of the above" in the poll. Anything but 100% loyalty to the MTE (or, in other words, The Common Good™) is completely unacceptable! I would personally accept some responsibility as this being a failure on my part within the People's Committee of Agitprop Dissemination, but, as you already all know too well, it is really all the fault of Bush (Damn Bush!).

Red, can we have the poll adjusted to reflect The Truth™ despite the vote that is cast? I'm sure there must be some hanging e-chads, known radio button malfunction that can be blamed on the VRWC, or some other divination process we can rely upon to tell us all what we already know to be true.

Also, I am confused by some of the General Secretary's remarks. I thought the official People's Language™ is Ebonics...

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Dr Strangelove, no need to search for one of them, for I found I simply could not vote for all of the above. Out of disloyalty to Hillary? No, Lenin forbid! In fact, I blame Bush for creating a less than perfect poll. I simply could not accept the premise that "You are not politicizing this situation in any shape or form yet Hillary gains +20 points in all primary states in my opinion." Comrade, we do not do good service to the Empress by not being realistic, and as events have shown, this 20 point jump simply did not occur. In fact....sit down for this comrade, for it shocked me to the bone as well, but Hillary was actually booed today in Iowa! Booed! Ungrateful Iowan reactionaries! They will of course be taken care of soon enough, but again, I simply had to vote rationally in the poll. Of course I agreed with all the other questions, but a 20+ increase was simply unrealistic. Hail Hillary 08!

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:Dr Strangelove, no need to search for one of them, for I found I simply could not vote for all of the above. Out of disloyalty to Hillary? No, Lenin forbid! In fact, I blame Bush for creating a less than perfect poll. I simply could not accept the premise that "You are not politicizing this situation in any shape or form yet Hillary gains +20 points in all primary states in my opinion." Comrade, we do not do good service to the Empress by not being realistic, and as events have shown, this 20 point jump simply did not occur. In fact....sit down for this comrade, for it shocked me to the bone as well, but Hillary was actually booed today in Iowa! Booed! Ungrateful Iowan reactionaries! They will of course be taken care of soon enough, but again, I simply had to vote rationally in the poll. Of course I agreed with all the other questions, but a 20+ increase was simply unrealistic. Hail Hillary 08!

Commissar Pup,

Forgive my doubt in your sincerity and love of the MTE. Such division between the best of comrades in support of The Common Good™ For The Children™ is most obviously because of Bush (Damn Bush!). However, I cannot stand before Lenin and allow such a beloved comrade fall under the despicable risky schemes of the Bu$H!Tler and his repugnant VRW(KKK). While I know you speak truth to power with regards to the polls that are conducted by the media that we all know are under the control of KKKorporations, I am referring to the Correct Opinions™ poll of only those who matter. The reality is, we all know that in this poll, the MTE has 100% support of The People™. And... Oh! Yes. I see. Very observant, Pup! I was obviously fooled once again by the temptations of Reagan. Yes. You are right. Fore how could the MTE move 20% up in the polls when she already has 100% support?

I move that we alter the poll question in question to more accurately represent The Current Truth™ of the MTE's true 100% support among The People™. Then the poll output can be set to automatically give the correct result of "All of the above" despite the occasional flawed input.

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Ahhh the poll. This sounds like the perfect opportunity to brighten up Kommissar Vodkov's day. An invigorating third degree cross-examination, some delightful paperwork and a nice little execution in the basement. Mmmmmmm nice! The thought makes me warm and fuzzy..or is it the People's vodka?

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I understand that The Party Organs have reported that our MTE was calm during the crisis and looked very Presidential for the <s>sheeple</s> people.

Yes, our Queen was reported to be calm and unshaken, when she emerged from her home to issue a statement to the MSM. She has shown why she should be victorious in the coming "election" for the people. She has the steel of Stalin in the face of danger, indeed!!!
After her public ascent to the Throne, she will have to purge all that remains of this plot to harm her, especially if this was a sleeper agent of Bu$h/Cheney(Lord Vader) or the VRWC. Whoever conspired and implemented this vile and insolent act of violence against Hillary, will no doubt pay a heavy price.


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I know I speak for the rest of us Your Empress, that you are safe!

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Wonderful news report, Empress! My favorite part was the "Watch the suspect kneel in the street »" video - Ahhhh, to see this every night on the MSM and in the streets will make this old man proud.

H08
-Mikhail

Thank Lenin you are safe, our Beloved Empress!!! Once again, you have shown the world your calm and calculating demeanor in the face of danger and a madman. Your success is assured and your enemies quake with fear and dread. I have been and will continue to be your faithful HO. My shovel awaits your command for the next planting in the political garden.

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Did I say plant?

Ummm...what I meant to say was that I was grateful that the senior Senator from The Bay State pointed this poor, poor man in the right direction so that my campaign staff could uncover the ugliness that has become America during this current administration with the example of just one person.

This man does not have issues with what's wrong with America, he's the Periodical Library of Congress, bound and cataloged.
A) The failed drug war.
B) Sexual Abuse by the Christian Right clergy.
C) Homelessness which started with Reagan and still continues to this day and didn't exist from 1993-2001.
D) Parental abuse by his father (It Takes A Village™, not a father).
E) Lack of decent Road Flare legislation and easy access to Road Flares.
F) Unemployment and lack of proper state run social services forcing this poor, poor man to turn to Christians.
G) The failure of the outdated concept of marriage.
H) Misuse of Police powers, opening unlocked cars and warning the owners of possible theft with leaflets. This isn't Nazi Germany!

I could go on and on....The point is that's there's probably hundreds of millions of victims like Mr. Eisenberg in this country who fall through the big holes cut by Bush in our welfare safety net every day.
When elected President I will build the most gigantic safety net the world has ever seen that NOBODY will be able to fall through, let alone a mosquito or a gnat.

OK...there's the Party Organ talking points. Many failures of the current administration and we need a giant welfare net.
Get to work.
This is going to be a great week.


POTUSMTE H08

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Isn't the CNN just wonderful? Here it is, just hours after the incident ended, and they have uncovered so many facts about this heretofor obscure man's life, cross-checked them, dug up old video from the CNN vaults, interviewed his childhood friends and disected his wounded psyche. I wonder why they couldn't find out anything about the random undecided republican question askers in the recent debate?

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Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:Wonderful news report, Empress! My favorite part was the "Watch the suspect kneel in the street »" video - Ahhhh, to see this every night on the MSM and in the streets will make this old man proud.

I see a potential problem here should our internal polls show this situation was a boost to Hillary and another similar situation should arise. The police may need a new sign for surrender than knelling in the street so they can distinguish the culprit and the many other adorers kneeling and prostrating themselves at a Clinton headquarters.

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Hillary wrote:[OK...there's the Party Organ talking points. Many failures of the current administration and we need a giant welfare net.
Get to work.
This is going to be a great week.


POTUSMTE H08[/b]

My Empress, should some pesky undecided prole ask, would your giant welfare net just be a single, all encompassing net, or a network of thousands of mini-nets that would act as one all encompassing net?

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My Empress, should some pesky undecided prole ask, would your giant welfare net just be a single, all encompassing net, or a network of thousands of mini-nets that would act as one all encompassing net?

Lenin, Krupskaya, and Marx!
Do I F@#KING have to explain everything?

It's called COMMUNISM...ONE GIANT SINGLE ALL ENCOMPASSING NET.
Mini-nets? Sheesh!
He must be stemming puppy crack again.

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My dear Hillary. Why have you switched from a red font to a blue one? Is this some kind of a subconscious signal? I sincerely hope not. I have not yet had to intervene on your exalted level of power but remember that my dear mentor had Stalin himself removed when his senility became a threat. No man (or woman) is larger than the Party! Tell me this switch was a coincidence. It might be enough to save your life, although I do not believe in coincidences.

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Oh Dear Lenin.... My Empress, forgive me for being unclear. I should have specified that I meant what do we say NOW, prior to the coronation, for I know we can not come out and tell the sheeple yet that it is communism. But I take it from your response we can just say it will be a "wide ranging net of services that will cover all those who are in need?"

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:My dear Hillary. Why have you switched from a red font to a blue one? Is this some kind of a subconscious signal? I sincerely hope not. I have not yet had to intervene on your exalted level of power but remember that my dear mentor had Stalin himself removed when his senility became a threat. No man (or woman) is larger than the Party! Tell me this switch was a coincidence. It might be enough to save your life, although I do not believe in coincidences.

<GASP!>

Why, the nerve! Asking The Empress a question that appears nowhere on the list <s>approved by her campaign and CNN</s> of questions humbly submitted by The People. And <s>outside a tightly controlled and spun environment</s> when she's so busy with the All Important Business of being there for The People, feeling their pain as one who is a mother herself. How dare you try to distract her with such piddling trifles! And who the #$%^&* do you think you are, that you don't submit your question like The People do? You think you're special . . . better than the rest of us?

What are you, some right wing operative?

Now, according to the list, you may ask if she's planning to wear red or blue at her inauguration; you may also ask, "Rubies or sapphires?"

Likewise, pending approval are the questions, "Support or control top? All sheer, or reinforced toes and crotch?"

Now, unless you'd like to be--ahem--recycled, give me the rest of what's in your bottle, then kindly put a cork in it, sir!

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Now, unless you'd like to be--ahem--recycled, give me the rest of what's in your bottle, then kindly put a cork in it, sir!

Keep your hands off my bottle. The People's vodka is mine! MINE!

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My dear Hillary. Why have you switched from a red font to a blue one?

Where is this a&&hole been? I've been using Blue State Blue Font™ for over a year. What's this silly "My dear" crap? It's a simple heel click and a "Heil Hillary".
When I use Red Front Font™, you'd better run.
"wide ranging net of services that will cover all those who are in need?"

Nice save Pup, you're back off my sh!t list. That's good. I want that on CNN stat.

Pinkie darling....both to the first two questions and neither to the last two.

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I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, your "highness." I have already uncovered one mole in the United States Comm..ehh Democratic party. My little Maoist friends tipped me off about your lover ehh I mean comrade, Nancy Pelosi. It seems she has been guilty of subversive behavior, including mentioning "trade restrictions" (whatever that is) against our friends. I imagine she has been using a blue font recently in her writing!

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:My dear Hillary. Why have you switched from a red font to a blue one? Is this some kind of a subconscious signal? I sincerely hope not. I have not yet had to intervene on your exalted level of power but remember that my dear mentor had Stalin himself removed when his senility became a threat. No man (or woman) is larger than the Party! Tell me this switch was a coincidence. It might be enough to save your life, although I do not believe in coincidences.

Kommissar, our MTE is aware of the fact that sheeple prefer perception over substance. Our soon to be Maximum Leader was using a red font to make it seem that she was a "Moderate". In red font type our MTE could say that she approved of the forced nationalization of all American business and the sheeple would hear, "I support American business". Now that we are in the Primary season (hah! As if there were any real need to attempt the pretense), our MTE must appeal to the base sheeple and use a blue font type. In blue font type our MTE can say she supports the forced nationalization of all American business and the base sheeple will hear "I want to nationalize all business, round up and execute their CEOs, send their children to forced labor camps and their wives to Hollywood to make those cheap steamy women's prison films (that I enjoy so much)".

Really comrade, it's just more opiate for the masses. Perception over substance, illusion over reality - nothing but happy shiny faces.

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, your "highness." I have already uncovered one mole in the United States Comm..ehh Democratic party. My little Maoist friends tipped me off about your lover ehh I mean comrade, Nancy Pelosi. It seems she has been guilty of subversive behavior, including mentioning "trade restrictions" (whatever that is) against our friends. I imagine she has been using a blue font recently in her writing!



Subversive behavior!? SUBVERSIVE BEHAVIOR!? Just who in the Hell do you think you are tossing rumors like that for every Tom Harkin, Dick Durbin and Harry Reid to hear? Huh? What are you trying to do, get my sagging tits caught in a meat grinder spreading crap like that? Gah!

Here is a little bit of advice, Comrade Vodkov: If you don't want to find my good Jimmy Choos pried up your a$$hole I would suggest SHUTTING THE HELL UP. Are you following me yet, sweetheart?

Oh, and by the way, if you need “pointers” on how it would feel to have my Jimmy Choos up your fanny, well, just ask Jack Murtha since he would know all about it. Jack and I had a little discussion recently about when and when not to say the word “surge” and how to say “surge” in the appropriate context as in “the surge IS NOT WORKING” and “the surge IS NOT WORKING”. Jack also knows a thing or two about all things blue since my Jimmy Choos happened to miss their intended target not once but twenty times. Speaking of all things blue: Would you like me to give you a brief lesson on all things blue, Comrade Vodkov? No? I didn't think so. Now get your useful idiot a$$ out of here and fetch me another mocha latte! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!

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Ah. I'm so glad that we cleared up that font problem. I thought that we had the fingers of Dan Rather changing things to suit him--you know ever since it was shown that the typeface in those memoranda that aren't true but so ought to be true that they are true, I have been expecting him to do a Communist Broadcasting System version of the Soviet Encyclopedia, where happiness is just an air-brush, or font change, away.

But I am worried. Our MTE isn't shouting. Doesn't she love us any more? Or is her attention divided between us, who tremble at her feet, and Huma? Or is there a shit-fight at the dacha between Huma and the Hildo Hydra?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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I would like to get me a piece of the Huma. Mmmmm mmmm, I sure like that Huma. Huma on toast, Huma on the side, Huma over easy (over my lap that is), Huma in a wrap, Huma with chocolate cake <drooling> and, of course, the Huma and Lupe sandwhich with a dash of Nancy in the middle (my favorite!).

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But Nansky, I'm told that she doesn't sweat. I thought you liked the girls that sweat.

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One Avtomat Kalashnikova, model 1947 in black phosphate finish: $339.99

7.62mm Cartridges, with T-45M Modernized Tracer Bullet (1000 rd case): $149.99

Good old fashion "up against the wall" moment with Kommissar Vodkov: priceless



-Mikhail

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Mikhail, you've been in the food business. I'm told the best lobster is lobster that you've put in white wine to get drunk before you kill it. So they don't tense up.

Should you then shoot people, er, have a market correction by shooting them in the <i>back of the head</i> instead of the chest? You know, every little bit helps. And the head would mean that there would be no chance of screwing up the sweetbreads, so we could use dear Dr. Lecter's recipe.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Mikhail, you've been in the food business. I'm told the best lobster is lobster that you've put in white wine to get drunk before you kill it. So they don't tense up.

We always just used a Chef's knife to bifurcate their little brains. (With the lobster on it's back, insert the point of said knife to the thorax, where the abdomen meets the tail, then bring the 'heel' of the knife down through the body, splitting the brain. Take special care not to cut through the shell along the back of the lobster.)

That's for Baked Stuffed Lobster - for Boiled, we just tossed them into a big pot of boiling water. I've never seen any difference doing it any other way.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Should you then shoot people, er, have a market correction by shooting them in the <i>back of the head</i> instead of the chest? You know, every little bit helps. And the head would mean that there would be no chance of screwing up the sweetbreads, so we could use dear Dr. Lecter's recipe.

Yeah, I'd cap 'em, personally.

As a side note, Albert Fish (a.k.a. the Gray Man) killed for the indescribably sweet taste of a rump roast butchered from a child. Lecter brings all the skills of a trained French chef to his cannibalism, and Fish also relished the preparation of freshly slaughtered young humans. He described in one of his letters the joys of eating one little boy's "pee wee" and the succulent stew he prepared from the ears, nose, face, and belly. The roasted gluteus maximus was the piece de resistance, of course. "I never ate any roast turkey," Fish wrote, "that tasted half as good as his sweet fat little behind did."

I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner.
-Mikhail

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Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:.
One Avtomat Kalashnikova, model 1947 in black phosphate finish: $339.99

7.62mm Cartridges, with T-45M Modernized Tracer Bullet (1000 rd case): $149.99

Good old fashion "up against the wall" moment with Kommissar Vodkov: priceless

Dear Mikhail,

I don't really understand your message. Your crappy AK is useless when it comes to executions. As you know, it was designed for the stupid masses (and our African friends) who can't learn marksmanship to save their lives. At the range you might actually hit something with an AK, you might as well use a pistol. Furthermore, the AK is useless in mass killings. You point it at a row of class enemies and pull the trigger. When the smoke clears, half of them are alive! What the hell kind of People's weapon is useless in executing the People? Huh?

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I suggest that for a mass market correction we refine the Nazi sound cannon, but using today's electronics alternate between speeches by our MTE and songs by Barbra Streisand. That will cause death either directly or by suicide--I'm good with that.

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~

Kommissar Vodkov,

Don't blame me if you can't shoot straight. My gun was designed to throw a lot of lead downrange in a hurry, and be easy enough to use that even a child can shoot it (which they do in record numbers). And the AK is not useless in mass killings - you merely need to increase your ratio of guns to thought criminals - just ask the refugees around Mozambique and Darfur.

If it's range you require, we also produce the 7.62 mm Dragunov Sniper Rifle "SVD" intended for engaging fleeting, moving, open and masked single targets.

And if you are in need of liquidating a large number of targets, try the KITOLOV-2M 122-mm guided artillery weapon complex, or our Krasnopol 152/155mm Artillery Guided Weapon Complex. Quite effective.

You just need to find the right tool for the job.
-Mikhail

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, your "highness."

I DENOUNCE Kommissar Vodkov! You have the nerve to suggest Hillary is being cocky? So what is that to you? If she wishes to be cocky or not is her's to decide, not some lowly Kommissar! Then to top this off with some lunacy about font type. Are you suggesting that some fonts or colors are more equal than others comrade? Well, I hope you can tolerate the color of the People's Shovel™ for I am sure you will get lots of time to become acquainted with it. I hope this color and type does not disturb you as you dig for beets.

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Mikhail, my friend!

Finally you are talking sense! I see it in glorious detail! The NKVD will round up suspected class enemies and herd them into a big corral by the thousands like the sheep they are. Then we will employ massed artillery using airburst shells on them. Their reactionary carcasses will then be bulldozed into Party-approved mass graves. No more one-by-one executions or machine-gunning. This is the future! I am tempted to apply for a patent but then again, patents are among the oppressive tools KKKapitalists use to oppress the developing world.

The Dragunov is indeed a fine weapon. I'm even thinking about equipping my favorite contractor Monsieur Soutre with one. It might come in handy to purge suspected right-wing plants in our ranks, including Commissar Pupovich - who is clearly a Bushist agitator.

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How can a Kommissar who most of the time thinks so clearly, be so deluded as to chastize and question the Many Titted Empress, and then attempt to smear a loyal Commissar such as I, who only pointed the Pure Progressive Light upon your thoughtcrime? It is one thing to cast aspersions on Comrade Nancy, quite another to threaten the Empress and to make fun of her by putting Highness in quotes. Oh, I shall certainly be looking forward to her dealing with you. Kommissar, do the right thing, admit your error, blame it on the bottle and Bush, before it is too late.

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:blame it on the bottle and Bush, before it is too late.
The Party would rearrange those items in the order of magnitude if the Party were you, C. Pupovich.

Just look at the shining example of our media dealing with the aftermath of the Hillary-Eisenberg hostage crisis!

The first unapproved reports had indicated that the hostage-taker requested certain items be sent to his Hillary-Eisenberg headquarters: boose, cigarettes, and free universal medical care.

But in the latest Party-approved media analysis these items have been rearranged in the correct order of magnitude:

- free universal medical care
- boose
- cigarettes

(curiously enough, a request to ride the Hildo08 was never mentioned - while we know this is usually the first thing anybody asks while entering HRC's headquarters. Is he some hetero-pervert or something?)

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Red Square wrote: The Party would rearrange those items in the order of magnitude if the Party were you, C. Pupovich.

Ahh more evidence! You are in serious trouble now, "Comrade" Pupovich! I think we may have enough evidence now for a show trial. Not that we need any! Not even your MTE can save you now!

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:I suggest that for a mass market correction we refine the Nazi sound cannon, but using today's electronics alternate between speeches by our MTE and songs by Barbra Streisand. That will cause death either directly or by suicide--I'm good with that.

Drop Babs. I suspect she may be a weak liberal anyway. Use songs by Air Supply.

--
Blokhayev

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Red Square wrote:
Commissar Pupovich wrote:blame it on the bottle and Bush, before it is too late.
The Party would rearrange those items in the order of magnitude if the Party were you, C. Pupovich.

I intended to put them in the correct order of magnitude, and so I put it from the lesser to the maximum since the last is the one most noticed. Now I can see if you think of it from a temporal view, then the bottle clearly followed the Bush, but from a magnitude of crime, the correct order would be the bottle then Bush. You can be sure that my intentions were of the highest standards Comrade Red Square,

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:Ahh more evidence! You are in serious trouble now, "Comrade" Pupovich! I think we may have enough evidence now for a show trial. Not that we need any! Not even your MTE can save you now!

May Lenin have mercy on you Kommissar Vodkov, for Hillary certainly shall not. I can only hope for your sake that she does not spot YOUR THOUGHTCRIME "I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, your "highness." or the further compounding of your THOUGHTCRIME in the above reference where you mock the Many Titted Empress. Yes, yes! I have confirmed yet a third THOUGHTCRIME you have committed! Your use of "MTE" has been forbidden as well! Then there is your further implication that Hillary is "my" savior, for she is the Be All and End All of All, including yourself. Throw yourself oh her mercy Comrade before she deals with you more directly!

Not even your MTE can save you now!

Just what do you mean by YOUR MTE. You say it as if you are not under her <s> iron fist </s> gently guiding hand. I SAY WE PURGE HIM! Someone call Janet, I want him to suffer like I did.

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Exactly Comrade Dirk, even you noted his Thought Crime, and we know the proper response for that don't we?

By Commissar Pupovich


Exactly Comrade Dirk, even you noted his Thought Crime, and we know the proper response for that don't we?


A month in Siberia naked.

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:Throw yourself oh her mercy Comrade before she deals with you more directly!

Why should I prostrate myself before the MTE? I thought we were all supposed to be equal! Communism is after all about equality! But now I have to grovel to save my life. That is injustice. There is no injustice in communist society!

There is only one explanation for this. You, Commissar Pupovich and Comrade Dirk, simply have to be members of a Rovian fifth column, infiltrating our socialist utopia. No true communist would demand I kneel before one of my comrades, MTE or other. We are all equal!

no true communist would demand I kneel before one of my comrades, MTE or other. We are all equal!

ha ha ha, an idealist. Let me explain something to you "comrade" (filthy capitalist pig) Vodkov. All members of the party are equal, but some are more equal than others. Now if you ever want to lay eyes on a wallet again you had best sit down, take a deep breath, and pray to whatever god/fictional character/toaster you choose that Hillary had her morning virgin blood before she gets to you.

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Yep. Just keep thinking that, Vodkov. Let me know how that turns out.

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:
Commissar Pupovich wrote:Throw yourself oh her mercy Comrade before she deals with you more directly!

Why should I prostrate myself before the MTE? I thought we were all supposed to be equal! Communism is after all about equality! But now I have to grovel to save my life. That is injustice. There is no injustice in communist society!

There is only one explanation for this. You, Commissar Pupovich and Comrade Dirk, simply have to be members of a Rovian fifth column, infiltrating our socialist utopia. No true communist would demand I kneel before one of my comrades, MTE or other. We are all equal!

Your THOUGHTCRIMES continue unabated I see. Well, lets just see what Hillary has to say about how equal you are. I hope you are "equal" to the task.... But on the bright side, she may not make you knell... she may let you stand in your ditch to kiss her cloven foot.

May Lenin have mercy on your non-soul.

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Ohhh my G ... ehh I mean dear Lenin! I always thought the suspected thought criminals I have executed were my equals. Now you tell me they may not have been!

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!!!! If you are right anything can happen. James Watson may have been right. Adam Smith and Milton Freedman too! You should be sent to Kolyma no later than immediately to mine lead with your bare hands until your teeth fall out!

I need a stiff drink after having witnessed this horrible act of betrayal against the People™.

I need a stiff drink after having witnessed this horrible act of betrayal against the People™.

let me just put some "ice cubes" (arsenic) in your drink comrade (then we'll see who's more equal).

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You are just *sniff* insensitive! Don't you know that being insensitive is a crime? A terrible crime! You have made me feel bad. How could you do this you..you capitalist warmongers!

I bet you are white males too! *sniff*

Please, Kommissar Vodkov, reconsider your statements and remember that we all are working for the successful outcome of the coming election of our future POTUS. We all are loyal and devoted HO's, aren't we? Our Beloved Queen is worthy of our respect, loyalty and tireless work. Our infighting will only embolden the KKKonservatives into slandering and spreading falsehoods against our Many Titted Empress. Our passionate and inspired goal is to see Hillary elected, not fight with one another. Can't we do this for The Children™ and the future of the Progressive movement??? Don't make Her Majesty mad with any insolence or disrespectful thoughts. The outcome of Her wrath will be too much to bear.

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:Why should I prostrate myself before the MTE? I thought we were all supposed to be equal! Communism is after all about equality!

Hang on just a second, Professor. Communism is indeed all about “equality” and the equal “sharing” of goods, services and property which will be confiscated for the Common Good. However, with that said, there are some minor things you need to know about our glorious way of life before you start thumping us on the head with the manifesto:

1 – Some of us are more equal than others and therefore require more goods, services and property (this would include me).

2 – Some of us wield more power than others to ensure that equality, sharing and socialist prosperity will continue on to the next generation (this would include me).

3 – Some of us have to throw morality, conscience and respect for human life all out the window in order to ensure the survival of our socialist paradise from those who wish to undo the progress that we – collectively, mind you – have made (this would include me).

4 – Some of us have to be literally tied to the hull of this so-called socialist ship-of-state so that it can stay afloat (that would include you).

5 – Some of us have to sacrifice more than others so that class-envy, rage and overall negative feelings can be quelled (that would include you).

6 – Some of us have to take one for the team and voluntarily line ourselves up against the wall to be shot in the name of progress, the Children and the Party (that would include you).

7 – Some of us have to just keep our mouths shut and nod in agreement to anything and everything a Party leader tells us regardless of how insane, suicidal or completely ridiculous it may seem (that would include you).

Do you understand now how paradise is operated? It's all very simple, Kommissar Vodkov – all one has to do is do what he/she/it is told to do.

Now then, with that out of the way, let's schedule a date for your show trial that's good for the upper echelon of Party leadership. Is this Friday good for anyone? Hmm? How about Saturday?

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Friday would be a good day for me Chairman. Let's hope there is enough left of this Kommissar when Hillary is through with him.

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:Friday would be a good day for me Chairman. Let's hope there is enough left of this Kommissar when Hillary is through with him.

I'm more worried about Nancy. I've heard she can crack slabs of titanium between her thighs.

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Esteemed Chairman,

I'm usually busy on Fridays and Saturdays at that site that sells the men's thongs, and Mr. Reno asked me to bring back a little <cough> something this weekend.

However, other Party members seem to have a knack for distracting me on those nights with--what did Pupovich call it?--"exercises in Progressive thinking" in regards to such matters as flatulence, Batman villains, who's the nerdiest and/or dorkiest of us all, and who owns the red man-panties SMO found mixed with the whites, thus turning them pink (investigation of which led me to the site that sells the men's thongs).

Where was I? Oh yes. Because I'm so easily distracted, I do believe I can make it to the show trial either Friday or Saturday, whichever you choose.

And I think I know who belongs to the red man-panties: Vodkov!

Ah yes, Vodkov! After this weekend, your miserable glass bottom won't be worth the nickel I intend to collect (and humbly present to The Empress) when I turn in your bottle for deposit after the trial.

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Friday is out, I'll be campaigning in Iowa.
Saturday is no good either. Huma and me are cocooning for the evening with a nice bottle of liebfräumilch, some Asbach chocolates and the director's HD uncut version of "Thelma and Louise".
Sunday morning looks good. I'll have Huma "pencil-in" a show trial.

POTUSMTE H08


P.S. Vodkov: Do you prefer hollow points or a tight noose and a lamp post? Betty has the Mark VII in for it's yearly overhaul.

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With all the evidence he has provided (as if we need any), this could be a very short show trial. However, considering the vile nature of his thoughtcrimes, I hope we can keep our lust for Progressive Party Purification in check so we can enjoy it longer.

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Damn. Does this mean I'm about to get purged for the Common Good™?

What if I told you Comrades that I have an insurance policy? What if I told you I had compromising pictures of Her Highness? PICTURES OF HER ENGAGING IN HETEROSEXUAL ACTS! Would you want that kind of perversion associated with our MTE?

I doubt it. Can we come to an agreement?


Your dear friend and admirer,

Kommissar Vodkov

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A pathetic and heavily perspiring Kommissar Vodkov, raking this tired, stale old chestnut out of the cinders, wrote:
What if I told you Comrades that I have an insurance policy? What if I told you I had compromising pictures of Her Highness? PICTURES OF HER ENGAGING IN HETEROSEXUAL ACTS! Would you want that kind of perversion associated with our MTE?

Oh, puh-leeze! That is SO 1960's London, Vodkov! Not to mention, perchance does the word "Photoshop" set your clapper clanging?

<yawn!> You're going to have to come up with something a lot more original than that. Just how badly do you want to stay away from that wall?

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Nice try commissarka! These pictures are more than 20 years old and I have the original film. You are trembling in your clumsy-looking work boots, as you should!

By the way, what is this Photoshop thing you mentioned? Some kind of store?

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Kommissar Vodkov wrote:Nice try commissarka! These pictures are more than 20 years old and I have the original film. You are trembling in your clumsy-looking work boots, as you should!

By the way, what is this Photoshop thing you mentioned? Some kind of store?

Listen, even if the photos in question were indeed bona fide, you should know that tired old blackmail trick only works on members of the VRWC. They're the ones always shooting off about family values, the sanctity of marriage, protection for the unborn, abstinence only education, etc. We Progressives, on the other hand, make no such pretenses, leaving us free to be as perverted and permissive as we like, and ergo, free of this sort of blackmail that you think will show our non-existent hypocrisy.

Who cares anyway what The Empress did 20 years ago? What matters is now--and the future. Why do you persist in turning the clock back, Comrade? You want to drag us back to a dark age when all I had for birth control was a wire hanger, and I had to wear pearls and high heels and a frilly apron, and had nothing to do all day except wax the floor and watch soaps and game shows and go to the beauty parlor and sit under a hair dryer reading movie magazines and talking gynecology with the other girls, when I would much rather have been out digging ditches and getting all muddy and dirty and <s>sexually harrassed by</s> flirting with that cute commissar, and providing jobs for day care workers who otherwise would be wasting time at home raising their own kids when we all know that's for The Village to do!

I do believe you are a member of that Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Vodkov. You certainly talk like one. Confess, dittohead!

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Ohhh commissarka! That's where you're wrong! I fear you are giving the People™ too much credit. It doesn't matter when it happened. It only matters when they are told. Remember Comrade Kerry? His alleged cowardice in Vietnam happened a long time ago but the People were told just before elections. Remember what happened? Yes exactly, he was purged.

What do you think the People would say if they saw our leader engaging in consensual heterosexual sex acts just before elections? You can't just expect time to wash off the stigma of heterosexual activity! Ohh no. They will become enraged. The Peoples Leader engaging in right-wing activities! And you think that's just fine?

Let me tell you what will happen. The MTE will be purged. Chairman Punchenko might even pull the trigger himself. And guess who else will be purged? Yes, right again. The people who told her not to worry will be purged too!

I strongly recommend that the Politburo reconsider their ill advised decision to carry out a show trial. I fear that would be a loose-loose proposition.

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Yes...yes... I had a heterosexual relationship years ago with Web Hubble. Everybody knows Chelsea is our "Love Child". Just compare lips with Web and her.
If you had done your homework Vodkov and checked out "Ask Hillary" you would know that I'm a proud Omnisexual and we are liberated any time we have an orgasm with anything at all, be it another human, animal, appliance, tree, cigar or food item. Are you a bigot too, Vodkov?
The Party™ provides a shovel and he keeps digging his own grave. He's down to 5'11", what says The Party™?

POTUSMTE
H08

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Commissar Pupovich wrote:Friday would be a good day for me Chairman. Let's hope there is enough left of this Kommissar when Hillary is through with him.

Friday works for me! I'll bring my new 9A-91 with me.

I am taking my trainees out on a cold weather campout Saturday. Well... I stay in a 32ft RV. They camp outside. Don't worry! I won't get cold. I'll have a 55 gallon drum of Party™ Approved Margaritas with me.

--
Blokhayev


 
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