Our reader, Mamiya Mapcase, a self-described musical comedy fan and social critic, has sent us this:

PORGY AND BESS IS RACIST. HERE ARE MY PROPOSED REVISIONS.

"Porgy and Bess" has great music, but there's no denying that the opera is racist.

It portrays black people as simple-minded with poor grammar, when the reality is that they have an outstanding command of the English language. Lyrics and dialogue contain offensive words like "dat" for that, "dem" for them, "yo'" for your, and the list goes on and on.

Our greatest president, Barack Obama, a brilliant master of impeccable Engish, is an example of how absurd and racist these "Porgy" caricatures are. This revision is dedicated to him.

But the problems with "Porgy" go beyond misrepresenting black people's language skills. "Porgy" also portrays people of color as pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers and murderers, all highly offensive and dishonest stereotypes.

However, there's no denying the power of the music. So I have updated the racist libretto and lyrics to make "Porgy" acceptable to today's more sophisticated audiences. I have not written a complete play, just snippets of my proposed changes to demonstrate the idea.

Instead of being a crippled beggar on Catfish Row, my Porgy is an Assistant Professor at Catfish University. He has not received tenure because the university administration is racist. But he maintains a cheerful attitude nevertheless.

Porgy & Bess for our age: a more progressive libretto

By Mamiya Mapcase


ACT 1:
IN HIS OPENING SONG, PORGY SHOWS OFF HIS ERUDITION WHILE LAMENTING HIS SITUATION:
~
PORGY (sings, to the tune of "I Got Plenty of Nuttin"):

I possess a plenitude of nothing
And nothing's a plenitude for me
I own no iPhone
Possess no Tesla
I'm deprived as I can be

Folks with a plenitude of plenty
Possess a lock on the door
Scared somebody will steal their Teslas,
Their iPads and their Dior.
What for?

I possess no lock on the door,
That's no way to be
I don't need a lock on the door
Because who would rob
My decrepit old Saab?
My bidet,
Or my framed degree?

Yes, I possess a plenitude of nothing
And nothing's a plenitude for me
I have no Nobel
Have no tenure
But I'm happy in my penury

Profs with a plenitude of plenty
Always watching the door
'Fraid somebody
Gonna barge in the office
Find them nude with some sophomore
What for?

I don't grade coeds on their curves
That's no way to be
I don't trade an "A" for some play
That's too crass for me
And my virtue deters
Any flirt
Who would tarnish me!

Yes, I possess a plenitude of nothing
And that's okay with me
I have my research,
Have my brilliance
Have the campus library
No use complaining!
Have my books
Have my Saab
I am free!

ACT 1, SCENE 2

IN THE ORIGINAL RACIST "PORGY AND BESS," SPORTING LIFE WAS A DRUG DEALER AND PIMP. IN MY IMPROVED VERSION, HE IS A MATCHMAKER WITH HIS OWN DATING SERVICE, THROUGH WHICH PORGY HAS ARRANGED TO MEET BESS:

BESS:
Happy to meet you, Professor.

SHE GRIPS PORGY'S HAND POWERFULLY.

PORGY:
Ow! What a strong handshake you possess, Bess. And my, what big shoulders you have!

BESS:
That's not the only thing I got that's big.

PORGY:
I beg your pardon?

BESS: (sings)

I got plenty of penis
A penis plenty for me.
I got no perfume
I got no flower
And yet I'm womanly

Girls with plenty of softness
Got a lock on the door
'Fraid some bubba
Gonna say hubba hubba
And rape them on the floor
What for?

I need no lock on the door
To keep out the trash
If some redneck enters my lair
I'll thrash him with my stiffy
Till his life is iffy
And then I will take his cash!

Yes, I got plenty of penis
A penis plenty for me
I got my johnson, got my song
Got a boner the whole day long
No use complaining!
Got my pride, got my song
Got my shlong!

PORGY:
Well, I'm shocked.

BESS:
You're shocked that I have a penis?

PORGY:
Not at all. I'm pro-diversity. I'm shocked at your language, young lady. You use poor grammar like you were a cracker.

BESS:
Such as?

PORGY:
Not "I got", "I possess". Now repeat after me, Bess, "I possess a plenitude of penis."

BESS:
Oh, don't be such a schoolmarm, professor. Just because black folks are superior to whites doesn't mean we have to make a show of it every time we open our mouths. It's okay to speak a little jive! Lighten up, man!

ACT 1, SCENE 3

PORGY TAKES BESS OUT ON A DATE. HIS SUPERIOR ATTITUDE ANNOYS HER.

BESS: (sings, to the tune of "It Ain't Necessarily So")

It ain't necessarily so.
It ain't necessarily so.
Coz you're a professor
You think I am lesser
It ain't necessarily so.

You have a big brain, my dear friend
You have a big brain, my dear friend
But my dick is bigger
Than your brain, I figger,
And that scores more points in the end.

SHE POKES PORGY'S REAR END WITH HER FINGER.
PORGY IS STUNNED BY HER EFFRONTERY.

BESS:
You know you want it, and I'm just the girl that can give it to you!

ACT 1, SCENE 4

PORGY CONFIDES TO SPORTING LIFE ABOUT HIS MIXED FEELINGS REGARDING BESS.

PORGY:
I say, old chap. Thanks for introducing me to Bess. Nice girl. But I'm concerned because she has a large penis.

SPORTING LIFE:
If she had a small penis, you would be okay with that? Coz I have other girls you could meet.

PORGY:
I would prefer that she didn't have a penis at all.

SPORTING LIFE:
My, aren't we picky! That sounds funny coming from you, the only cat in Catfish Row got his ass a bidet!

PORGY:
I don't "got my ass a bidet." I possess a bidet.

SPORTING LIFE:
Are you sure you're not just trans-phobic?

PORGY:
Very sure. As a manly male fully confident in his masculinity, I support the LGBTQ persons in their quest for equality and justice, even though my preferences may differ.

SPORTING LIFE:
Buddy, I know you, what, 30 years now? In my professional opinion as a matchmaker, Bess is perfect for you.

But let me give you some advice. I've known a lot of women in my time.

SPORTING LIFE:
(Sings, to the tune of "A Woman is a Sometime Thing"):

Let a brother reassure you
Before you have your little fling
A woman may lure you
Her beauty may floor you
But a woman sometimes has a thing!
Yes, a woman sometimes has a thing!

I know that Cupid has attacked you
But don't just give your wedding ring
Coz the woman may attract you,
Even be stacked too
But a woman sometimes has a thing!
Yes, a woman sometimes has a thing!

A woman maybe will embrace you
Even let your hands go wandering
Let you get to second base,
Then you try for third base,
WHOA!
A woman sometimes has a thing!
Yes, a woman sometimes has a thing!

ACT 1, SCENE 5.
A CHURCH IN CATFISH ROW

"SUMMERTIME", ORIGINALLY A LULLABY, BECOMES A RELIGIOUS HYMN IN MY VERSION.

MINISTER:
Please turn to page 43 of your hymnal.

THE ORGAN PLAYS.

CHOIR AND CONGREGATION (sing):

Summertime,
And the globe's getting warmer
Climate change
Making temperatures rise

Oh your daddy's wet
And your mama's a-drownin'
Coz sea level risin'
Right before our eyes

Greenhouse gas
Is the gas that needs banning
Or we'll be frying
Like fish in a pan

We must all
Pay attention to Greta,
Because she knows betta
Than an orange man

Orange men
Are the climate-deniers
They think CO2
Cannot do us harm

They must go
Or the heat will cause fires
And we'll have a desert
Where we had a farm

Oh the truth
Has been called inconvenient
But our earth
She must be preserved

With orange men,
We must not be lenient
They must get the punishment
That they deserve!

ACT 1, SCENE 6:

BESS TELLS PORGY SHE'S HEARD RUMORS THAT THERE'S A MAN ON AN UNCHARTED ISLAND JUST OFF THE COAST WHO IS KEEPING SLAVES, JUST AS IF IT WERE STILL 1850. HE'S KNOWN AS MR. BUMPY. THE PAIR VOW TO INVESTIGATE.

END OF ACT 1.


ACT 2:

THE CURTAIN RISES ON AN OLD FASHIONED PLANTATION. BLACK PEOPLE ARE PICKING COTTON WHILE A BIG OLD FAT MAN SUPERVISES THEM FROM HIS EASY CHAIR WHILE SIPPING A MINT JULEP.

BUMPY (sings):

I got plenty of n!ggaz
My n!ggaz work plenty for me.
I got no payroll
I got no headaches
Coz my n!ggaz work for free!

HE SEES PORGY AND BESS EMERGE OUT OF THE WOODS

BUMPY:
Do my eyes deceive me? The lord has sent me more n!ggaz!

BESS:
People of color to you, honkey.

BUMPY:
Don't call me honkey, I'm a Person of Paleness.

PORGY:
You look pretty orange to me.

BUMPY (to BESS):
Say, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Okay, you two n!ggaz grab some bushels and start pickin' cotton.

PORGY:
Do you know who you're talking to? I am an Assistant Professor at Catfish University!

BUMPY:
Really? That's very impressive. Some of my best n!ggaz come from Catfish.

You don't have to work, maybe you can supervise the other n!ggaz. Do you know how to use a cat o' nine tails?

PORGY:
No.

BUMPY:
I'd do it myself but got some arthritis and my elbow hurts when I crack the whip. But you can do it, they'll respect you. Join my team!

PORGY:
I'll give it some thought.

BUMPY:
Make my plantation great again!

BESS:
Beat him up, Porgy.

PORGY:
I'll do better than that. Sir, I challenge you to a debate. "Slavery--right or wrong?"

BUMPY:
I accept that challenge.

PORGY:
Have one of your darkies set up the lecterns.

BESS:
Porgy!!!

PORGY:
Calm down Bess, I'm just trollin' the cracker.

TWO SLAVES START SETTING UP A PAIR OF LECTERNS FOR THE DEBATE. BUMPY AND PORGY TAKE THEIR PLACES BEHIND THE LECTERNS.

BUMPY:
Who will be the moderator?

BESS:
I will. Mr. Bumpy, the first question is directed to you. In two minutes or less, convince me why I shouldn't tie this rope around your neck.

BUMPY:
Huh? What does that have to do with the topic at hand?

BESS STUNS BUMPY WITH AN UPPERCUT TO THE JAW, CARRIES HIM TO A MAGNOLIA TREE AND HANGS HIM.

LONG PAUSE TO WAIT FOR AUDIENCE CHEERING TO SUBSIDE.

PORGY:
Now why'd you have to go and do that? I would have destroyed him in debate! I was on the debating team at Haavard, you know!

BESS:
We don't debate racists, Porgy. We execute them.

ANOTHER LONG PAUSE AS A STANDING OVATION AND MORE CHEERING STOPS THE SHOW

PORGY CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO BESS IN AN UPDATE OF THE BEAUTIFUL BUT RACIST SONG "BESS, YOU IS MY WOMAN NOW."

PORGY (sings):
Bess, you are my woman now

BESS (interrupts):
I'm not a woman, I'm a person!

PORGY (sings):
Bess, you are my person now...

BESS (interrupts):
Your person? You think you own me?

PORGY (sings):
Bess, you are a person now...

BESS (interrupts):
Now? Like I wasn't a person before I met you? (PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH)

PORGY (sings):
Bess, you are a person, yes you are...
And I don't care if your arms are mighty
You'll always be my hermaphrodite-y

Morning time and evening time with global warming all the time

BESS (sings):
Summertime and Wintertime, our climate changing all the time.

PORGY (sings):
Bess, You are a person yes you are...

BESS (sings simultaneously):
Porgy I'm a person yes I am...

THEY KISS.

BESS:
You know you want it, and I'm just the girl that can give it to you!

PORGY: (finally conceding, sings):
I got plenty of anus
The perfect match for your pee-nis...

BESS:
Can you and me get it on now, please?

PORGY:
YES WE CAN!

THE TOWNSPEOPLE APPLAUD AND CELEBRATE PORGY AND BESS'S DECLARATIONS OF LOVE. AS THE FINAL CURTAIN FALLS WITH THE HANGED BUMPY SILHOUETTED IN THE BACKGROUND, BESS ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.

BESS:
Remember everybody, always wear a condom!

PORGY:
And a mask!

FINAL CURTAIN

*********************

That's all I'm willing to write on spec. If the Gershwin estate can see the merit of updating their old dinosaur of an opera to make it acceptable to modern sensibilities, I will contract to do a complete libretto and lyrics.


Mamiya Mapcase is a musical comedy fan and social critic.

In the spirit of new times, this production should be named "Bess and Porgy," placing the strong, independent, self-identifyed woman in the first place, with the cis-gendered emasculated male following behind, as it should be.

Another image springs to mind, from another time...

[img]/images/Obama_Barack_Michelle_First_Date.jpg[/img]

Will the plantation owner be played by a black man in whiteface?

Good gawd.

Well, who would play the role of Porgy and who would play Bess?

trashmouth wrote:Well, who would play the role of Porgy and who would play Bess?

Barry Soetoro and Michael Robinson of course

'pelipsky asks collective board of directors of All Directors,

Maybe the Collective should consider purchase of this libretto spec of an idea. The envelope hasn't even touched the edge of sanity yet. Much less penistrated it.

Where's Comrade Pam Alinsky on this?? She's been around a libretto or two. Excellent Collective Board c.v. (Commie of Value)

And opera is so lyrical - and 'pelipsky does love karaoke lyrics - but lets others sing in horned rodent's place. It's just better that way. And, besides audience is participation ticket of equal rewards. Right?

Would it be wrong to let Epstein play the part of the twisted island plantation owner? Or is that too edgy to reality casting? 'pelipsky means, that attentiveness to discombulated historic casting has now recast Anne Boleyn, with her 'ead tucked underneat her arm walking through the bloody Tower as Jodie-Turner Smith.

Comrades, who knew Queen Elizabeth I, was born a poor, red-headed, step slavechil'?? 'pelipsky didn't. This reimagined possibility of what-if-fact just sends the virtual reality of who we are as a reinventing ourselves people, at least another 2020 light years from home. (Guile less plug for own attempt at rewriting classic libretto lyrics.)


And that's why the Collective purchasing this spec reeducated Porgy and Bess libretto will increase light years distance from 2020 TPC Based Camp at edge of sanity.

Thank you very much, for listening, comrades. And, Merry Cancelled Season throughout the entire Cubed World.

forelock tug,
'pelipsky
Russian Asset
#BR 549

Warren Peas wrote:

trashmouth wrote:Well, who would play the role of Porgy and who would play Bess?

Barry Soetoro and Michael Robinson of course

After laughing hysterically while attempting to consume morning coffee, after reading the entire Libretto posted by Red Square once again....perhaps Comrade Warren Peas it should be Michael Robinson as Porgy and Barry Soetoro as Bess. Remember it was Barry who spent considerable time chasing balls among the "greens"......