Let's Get Serious About Federal Lesbian Studies

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Some conservatives have claimed that the recent $1.5M federal study of why lesbians are fat and the $2.7M federal study of why lesbians have higher ‘risk for hazardous drinking' are wasteful and downright silly.

However, as Figures A and B below show, this information is vital to our national security and foreign policy.

Instead of cutting funds for this important research, we should expand it to more areas, spending a minimum of $2M on each study below.

A Tentative List of Additional Important Lesbian Studies

  • If a lesbian is in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and she turns on the headlights, what actually happens?
  • If a drunken lesbian falls in the forest, does she make a sound - particularly, if she is fat?
  • If lesbians are females who are said to have come out of their shells, can there ever be lesbian turtles?
  • Can a lesbian clap with one hand?
  • Do fat lesbians get that way to make other lesbians feel thin?
  • When hazardous-drinking lesbians cook with wine, do they ever add any to the food?
  • Why does a lesbian always do whatever is next?
  • When lesbians tell their phobias, do they give clues as to what they are afraid of?
  • Can lesbians hear sounds non-lesbians cannot?
  • Did prehistoric lesbians carry clubs and drag their mates by their hair?
  • If lesbians see a heat wave, do they wave back?
  • Is there lesbian bacteria?
  • Why do lesbians frequent gay bars?
  • Has a lesbian UFO ever landed?
  • Do lesbians dream in color?
  • Are there lesbians who have never owned a pair of Birkenstocks?
  • When a lesbian thinks about the past, does it bring back memories?
  • Are there lesbian Siamese twins?

Remember: the more federal money we invest into this research, the more effectively our scientists at the Karl Marx Treatment Center will be able to guide us as a nation out of the current economic and cultural crisis we inherited from all the previous administrations combined.

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Perhaps if they combined some of these studies there would be money for White House tours and The Children™ would not be crying. We must invest in fat, drunken, lesbian robo-squirrel research!


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Paleoanthropologists have discovered Neanderthal Lesbians:


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These are all great issues of national importance, Comrade Fein, and spending millions on their research will be a wise investment in our future, just so long as it doesn't affect crucial government spending on cat shampoo.

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One more important question to add to the list:
If a lesbian asks, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" do you tell her the truth or tell her she looks fine?

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Comrade Jíbaro, I believe you have run across one of the highly prizes awards to and for Hillary Clinton. Does it not resemble her likeness exactly? I am saying, Yes! Yes, it does... which is further proof of the greatness of lesbian liberals and their grandioseness... or, whatever. I stand by my pronouncement.

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Comrade Fraulein, you appear to have lost your hyphen! What's a womyn to do??

That aside, though, I must comment that - while the Neanderthal lesbian statue does in many ways resemble our glorious MTE - it is, however, somewhat lacking in the MT department. How is our entire country to feed from her glorious Ts, when there are only two?

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Comrade ROCK - Those are not Ts. Those are brain cells.

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Comrade Fraulein, you appear to have lost your hyphen!
Good Lenin, ROCK, that's a bit personal for the interweb, isn't it? Do not the Womyns in your collective have the choice of who shall receive the hyphen?

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
I am sorry, Herr Fine, but one of your questions was already answered by the capable staff of the Joseph Mengela Wing of the Karl Marx Treatment Centre:

"When a lesbian thinks about the past, does it bring back memories?"

The answer is NO.

For you see a lesbian is -- by nature -- a progressive. And to a progressive, the past is not something to remember. Rather the past is something to be rennovated for the purposes of shaping the future.

Memories -- whether real or perceived -- may betray this importantly progressive process. Therefore, a progressive has leanred that -- as a biological function -- memories must be suppressed for the sake of her future survival. Indeed, several of our less adequate test subjects in Lab Room 101 expired -- perhaps prematurely (if you will) --because they were not able to adapt under our well-structure experimentation.

I would also mention that our more successful test subjects who were able to successfully suppress memories were found to have a much increased libido (we have the film to prove it -- very entertaining) and seemed to utilize copious amounts of Hostess Twinkies as fuel for memory suppression. (Ben & Jerry's was also a favorite alternative).

You will be happy to note that our staff was able to expend coupious amounts of the public coffers in our endeavors.

We have since moved on to study if we can successfully breed lesbians in captivity -- a most facinating study (with even more film)! To date, we have been unsuccessful. However, we are convinced that we may one day succeed whereas there appears evidence of their successful breeding in the wild:

Was some of this grant money spent to produce the movie, Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars? Inquiring minds want to know....

Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Comrade Pistov wrote:Was some of this grant money spent to produce the movie, Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars? Inquiring minds want to know....

Technically, no. While the projects were related, we were able to secure a separate grant from the National Endowment of the Arts. One may look at it as government efficiency, one program yeilds TWO spending streams to "boost the economy."


Raum Emmanual Goldstein
Tovarichi wrote:Rugsuckers are from Venus. Wrong movie.

In point of fact they are from niether Mars or Venus....

More like URANUS!


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The Supreme Court receives oral presentations tomorrow, I'm sure the lesbian position will be most uplifting...

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Tovarichi wrote:The Supreme Court receives oral presentations tomorrow, I'm sure the lesbian position will be most uplifting...
Yes, and sweeping things under the rug.

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I'm confident that after oral presentations, the lesbians will have the opposition licked...


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After seeing some of the speakers in front of the court this morning, I wish to retract my former statement on grounds of personal safety.