The unthinkable has happened: an American gay bar called "The Pink Cucumber" has just opened in the centre of Tehran. As an emissary from the European Union's Ministry of Truth I had the honor to take part in a recent cultural visit to Iran to study this phenomenon. I am happy to share my experiences with the most korrekt komrades of the glorious Kube.

My first visit was to the offices of prime minister Rouhani. The prime minister stressed that his government wanted to show the world how Iran respects the ideas and preferences of other cultures. In his exact words:

We proclaim to have a religion of tolerance and peace. The world would call us filthy hypocrits if we would try to deny these homosexual immigrants their rights. I would of course smother my own son in goat's blood if he ever became gay, but to other cultures we must show respect for their particular values.

Your faithful servant of the Ministry, being welcomed by the Grand Ayatollah.

Later that day I visited the neighbourhood where The Pink Cucumber is located, a rowdy part of Tehran called Sandersville, filled with American-style burger restaurants and European cafés. My tour guide for the day was no other than Grand Ayatollah Khamenei. The ayatollah explains:

When the first Trump refugees from the West came, we opened our arms to them. They came to live here in the center of Tehran and called this part of town 'Sandersville'. After a while they started to cause problems: the cultural differences were too great to overcome. Scarcely clad young maidens, overt homosexuals, drunk people - and this in the middle of a conservative Muslim community. Everyone with common sense could see that this would cause problems.

We pass some young Swedish-looking boys making cat calls to a local girl in a niqab. They surround her, but when they see our cameras they quickly run away. The girl is safe... for now.

The Grand Ayatollah continues: "Me and my colleagues of the religious police tried to object, but an organisation called the Council of American Iranian Relations defamed us in the press and started legal procedures. In the end we backed down." He added that in his opinion this "council" is sponsored by dark foreign powers, but he has become powerless against them.

Walking through Sandersville we passed piss-drunk Brits vomiting in the gutter, fat Americans chomping down burgers, and young German women flashing their boobs at us. Local women, veiled from head to toes, walk past all the mayhem, trying to continue life as usual - but they are clearly ill at ease in the midst of all this decadent display.

When we reach The Pink Cucumber, a protest action of members of the former Religious Police and the Etela'at (secret police) is just being dispersed by the regular police officers. Amidst shouts of "free speech for religious fascists" and "killing infidels is culture too," the riot police move in and swipe the street brutally. After a while, only the sounds of "Waterloo" by ABBA are heard in the street, coming from the bar. Through the window, we can see naked men dancing on a table.

When I ask Mr. Khamenei if he is not sad to see his Iran change so quickly, he answers, "We must follow the leadership of our Prophet. We must accept these foreign people, even if it harms our own way of life. We cannot ask the Western world to be tolerant towards us if we show no tolerance towards their opinions. Violence against homosexuals cannot happen in Iran. We would make complete fools of ourselves if we would start killing people of a different sexual orientation, and then say that we follow a religion of peace. Nobody would ever take us seriously again."

But as he looked away, I could not help notice a single tear rolling down his cheek.

In accordance with Muslim doctrine, the bar will not serve alcohol, but will have 72 virgin drinks.

(Ushanka tip to Greg Gutfeld for this joke.)

Sorry to hear Iran has now its own #RefugeeCrisis on its hands. I'd like to see the illustrated safe sex instructions the Iranian government is distributing among the downtrodden in Sandersville.

I'd also like, on behalf of the Party, to welcome Comrade Minitrue to our kollektive and to congratulate him on his first promotion to the Mother Page!

Comrade Red Square, the honor makes me blush... I would spread the news all over town, but then the local fascist Anti-Revolutionaries would lynch me.

I'll just open a bottle of People's Single Malt and listen to Tom Lehrer all night long!

Congratulations, Minitrue!

As an already made prog, I've been watching you. You rock! Awesome posts!

TONIGHT AT 11:

Minitrue gets the coveted Mother Page medal in Minsk,
Pamalinsky claims herself to be a "made prog", experts disagree,
and Comrade Stierlitz is currently on suicide watch due to the situation in Minsk.

[OFF]

Congrats Minitrue. As you may have gathered, I have yet to join the Mother Page nobility. Perhaps because I am somewhat incompetent at writing articles, much less funny ones. Oh well, I come here to BS with everybody, make the occasional image edit, and have fun, I don't come here to write articles.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:TONIGHT AT 11:

Minitrue gets the coveted Mother Page medal in Minsk,
Pamalinsky claims herself to be a "made prog", experts disagree,
and Comrade Stierlitz is currently on suicide watch due to the situation in Minsk.

[OFF]

Congrats Minitrue. As you may have gathered, I have yet to join the Mother Page nobility. Perhaps because I am somewhat incompetent at writing articles, much less funny ones. Oh well, I come here to BS with everybody, make the occasional image edit, and have fun, I don't come here to write articles.

I beg to differ, Stierlitz. You have written some excellent and thoughtful posts.

Dear Glorious Comrade Stierlitz,

Thank you for your kind words! I hereby invite you to the next Staghunt with the Kubist Nobility. But mainly it's beet shoveling with a golden shovel. We also get an extra Wodka ration on execution days.

An innocent act of cultural appropriation can lead to winning hearts and minds...

And thank you comrade Pamalinsky! Long live the Kube.