Ditch Living & Collective Gardening – Celebrating the Fourth Like a Dirty and Toothless Progressive Whore!

Welcome, friends. Welcome to another progressive edition of Ditch Living & Collective Gardening – your premier source for morally superior progressive living.

As the editor of this award winning magazine, I want to thank all the donors that make this little publication possible. Scratch that, I don't want to thank anyone. No, they can all rot in hell! Those hacks at Newsweek said I would never make it! Now who's laughing! I am! I am! Ha ha ha ha!

For this edition of DL&CG I want to zero in on what you - a progressive freedom fearing Amerikan - can do this year to ensure a safe, happy and progressive celebration of this most heinous of days. It is our duty – our Gaia given right, if you will – to do everything in our collective power to stop this celebration of the most oppressive, backward and racist nation in the history of humyn evolution from ever taking place again. So please, pull up a chair, grab a cup of your favorite over-priced Starbucks coffee, and take notes on the ideas we are presenting you with to keep this decadent celebration of greed and exploitation from ever taking place again.

The Fourth of July has come to symbolize the wicked war mongering nationalism that has oppressed the peoples of the Third World for hundreds of years. It's a decadent holiday, a holiday where family, friends and other assorted evil-doers come together to much on the flesh of harmless and human-like animals, wave offensive American flags and sing songs praising this country's abuse, torment and neglect of people around the world. But fear not, my little weaklings. Do not fear the flag waving American this year as you sit quietly in the coffee shop sipping over-priced lattes while planning designs for your own proletarian revolution. Oh no, I'm here to give you survival tips this year on how to wade out the throngs of fascist jackbooted thugs who will “parade” down your street preaching freedom, singing hateful racist patriotic songs and talking to their non-aborted young about George W. Washington and all those other slave owning warmongers.

DL&CG Tip – How to dampen a hateful public celebration of America by calling upon the services of the ACLU.

As progressives we all know how these fascist operate. We know how they like to go outside and pop their fireworks in celebration of this hate filled day. Oh yes, it has something to do with “bombs bursting in air” or some warmongering crap like that. And that, my friends, is exactly what it is – warmongering! Those fireworks are deadly, especially the sparklers! My goodness, those sparklers can burn down an entire African village if you let them, and is probably why the U.S government supplies their child-mercenaries with weapons of mass destruction every year! The best thing to do when you hear these “fireworks” (might as well use napalm, you knuckle-dragging warmongers!) is to immediately call the ACLU and tell them that your right to read a Noam Chomsky book in peace at a Fourth of July event is being violated. Yes, you have a right to privacy in a public park, military installation, stadium or anywhere else where large groups of Republicans are celebrating their “Independence Day”. You have a right to tell them to stop immediately, disperse and return home so that you can finish pawing over your delicious anti-American literature. You shouldn't have to sit there and watch all those greed stricken whores have all of that fun - while you, the morally superior - have to sit there and suffer because the great Soviet nation that you use to celebrate was wiped out of existence by Ronnie Ray-gun. No, get the ACLU there as soon as possible and stop the celebration, now!

Q: What should I do when the ACLU finally arrives?

Once the ACLU shows up, it is best to first show them whatever information you might have on you to declare your association with any left-wing, communist, progressive or Jihadist group. Next you will want to declare that your rights have been violated using one or many of the choices listed:

1. I'm a refugee from a war-torn nation that was occupied by the American imperialist hordes. This Fourth of July event is offensive, insensitive and is violating my right to privacy. Yes, I was born in Alabama – but Abe Lincoln was a fascist Republican who invaded my state for oil!
   
2. I'm a progressive artistic interpretative dancer who feels threatened and confused by the pretty colors in the sky, the loud noises and the sight of people enjoying themselves. I, as a progressive who values freedom, wish for this event to be shut down and for everyone to be charged with disturbing the peace and committing hate-crimes.
   
3. I hate America and wish for all of these people to be strung up in the village square for celebrating the most oppressive, totalitarian and ruthless nation in history. I'm also a contributor at Daily Kos and feel threatened.
   
4. This is public property and as public property these people do not have a right to celebrate the founding of this country. I'm a tax-payer and I should not have to pay taxes for something that I don't support. Did I mention I'm a registered pro-choice Democrat?

Any of the above will work and the ACLU will instantly file charges against the multitudes present, the local, state and federal government, and whoever else they deem guilty for hosting such an event. Rest assured you will not have to look at another flag waving KKKon – not if the ACLU can help it!

DL&CG Tip – How to inform The Children of what they're blindly celebrating.

We all know how impressionable children are at a young age and how vulnerable they are to garbage – especially our garbage. The younger the better I always say! So be sure to stop at local schools and demand that the administration at the school of your choice educates the children to understand the truth, the symbolism and history of this offensive day.

1. Teach the children that Big Fireworks is part of the Military Industrial Complex and that for every firework they hear go off another child the same age and from a country far away is having a bomb dropped on them by the Bush Administration.
   
2. Teach the children how waving the American flag or pledging allegiance to the flag kills a kitten. Also inform them that Adolph Hitler and Dick Cheney were both equally responsible for the flag being red, white and blue.
   
3. Teach the children about what it means to be an American and how shameful it is to call one's self an American citizen. Tell them the truth of how being an American is “un-cool” in foreign and more advanced societies like North Korea or Cuba.
   
4. Teach the children how to operate a lighter or a match and instruct them to burn an American flag on sight. The children must know that such a flag is offensive and might hurt the sensibilities of a Freedom Fighter in Iraq currently shooting at our blood thirsty and uneducated soldiers.
   
5. Teach the children that the celebration of America is really a celebration of the slave owning warmongering Founding Fathers who stole their ideas from the peaceful and loving Soviet Union. The children must know the truth, and we all know from history that no other country in the history of the world was freer than the Soviet Union. This can be done simply by replacing the Founding Fathers with the Founding Communist. After every vestige of Washington, Jefferson and those other white pigs are removed, we want the schools to ask the children politely (or by methods of painful force) to submit letters of praise to Marx, Engels, Lenin and Stalin to help purge them of the myths fed to them by the corporatist controlled media and by radical pro-American educators.

Children surely are a gift, the ones we want to keep that is. We shouldn't allow schools which only we pay taxes for to get away with indoctrinating our children to love and respect America. If we were to do so our movement to bury America six-feet under would die and cease to be. We need a future generation of America hating hypocrites, a generation of peons who will serve the Democratic Party blindly for the rest of their lives. I'm sure you will face resistance from some school administrators – especially in areas outside the inner-city. My suggestion to you is to find a ruthless greed consumed trial-lawyer to bring to the meeting and inform the school's administration that you're prepared to sue if your demands are not met with a smile. After all, you're a concerned mom/father/guardian/state-sanctioned social-supervisor worried about what your daughter is being taught. And nothing would make you happier than to one day see your daughter outfitted in a nice and sleek black burqa. Its progress, folks - sue the bastards if you have to!

DL&CG Tip – How to rain on a Fourth of July parade with golden showers of progress.

Sometimes large groups of fascist war criminals like to gather around like the sheep they are to watch a hateful demonstration known as a “parade”. These parades - unlike the ones in the former U.S.S.R or the DPRK which are morally acceptable - are strewn with patriotic symbols like the American flag, Uncle Sam, the Founding Fathers(patriarchal pigs!), and, of course, the goose-stepping and stupid U.S soldiers who can't read. Oh yes, throngs of sheep line the sidewalks to see this display, a display of the decadence, bigotry and sexism that America still represents to this very day.

These parades usually start off with floats, maybe a float of Uncle Sam or maybe a car with a blonde jackbooted beauty pageant winner being exploited for her appearance. Of course this parade might have a “hero” or two, which is nothing more than some stupid drooling U.S soldier who was conned into sitting in a car for a few minutes (they do anything you tell them to, including the firebombing of a peaceful Freedom Fighter training village). Yes, all of this crap the KKKons love is an awful display and one that violates everything we progressives hold dear in a real “parade”. We want things like Marx and Lenin on billboards with bright shining klieg lights illuminating their wise yet humble profiles. We want battalions of Red Guards marching through the streets singing songs of revolutionary valor and resistance to capitalism, freedom and private property. Yes, those are the things that warm our cold reptilian hearts and put a crooked smile on our dead faces.

Q: We can't get away with having a full blown Commie ho-down like the Soviet paradise use to throw for its people – not without scaring folks away with our blatant tyranny. So how do we have a progressive parade without scaring the American people away with our Communist ideals?

Excellent question, comrade! We as progressives know what makes a parade a good parade here in America. We know how to pull at the heart strings on the stupid flag waving American and get him/her/it on our side! We know that scantily clad men in leather, protesting undocumented-Americans waving the Mexican flag, fornicating chubby witch lesbians and a mass of unwashed nude hippies (preferably fat and ugly) make the perfect ingredients for an All-American Progressive parade that will turn even the most fascist of the fascist to our enlightened way of thinking (and voting)! The question now is how do we take the good elements of the Progressive parade and combine them into a fascist parade to make it somewhat morally acceptable for the children? Answer: we threaten to sue!

Yes, lawsuits are a wonderful thing when we don't get our way in life, and of all people we progressives know how generous the courts can be. After the court sides in our favor to host the most morally reprehensible demonstration of filth a Progressive can muster up, the Party wants you to make it your patriotic duty this year to ensure that every standard of decency is violated in the fascist parade celebrating America. Here are some things you can do to offend and disgust the Faux News sheep:

1. Come in the nude. You were born in monkey's image and you're damn proud of it! Show the children of the fascist what Gaia gave you and watch them flee the stands puking and covering their eyes as you gracefully waddle down the street shouting for free health-care, on demand abortion, surrender in Iraq and impeachment of the President of the Two Americas!
   
2. If you happen to be a fat and untalented lesbian who practices Wicca magic; come as you are! Dance and merrily chant voodoo spells on the onlookers all the while sprinkling cat turds on the bawling little kiddies below. Your contribution to the event is needed, especially when the fascist have their blonde fascist beauty bitch waving to the crowd with her perfect teeth and perky tits. Sexism is your enemy and you need to show the men in the crowd that even a womyn with back hair can be sexy if need be. So pull down them britches and give everyone a peep show they'll never forget! By golly, if you're successful every man in that crowd will never think of being with another woman again, which will be a good thing since the queens in leather brigade is next on our parade route!
   
3. After the fat untalented Wicca lesbian leaves the show, we now come to the queens in leather brigade to capture the men the lesbian turned queer. Here you want to make sure your leather is of the highest quality and that all chains and bondage gear is securely fastened. It is your job now to show the onlookers what happens in a good ole' fashioned San-Francisco parade – so be sure to wear protection and come with plenty of oil (the rubbing kind, not the kind our fascist Commander in Cheat slaughters for).
   
4. I'm sure there will be U.S soldiers in this parade; they do after all fight for this immoral greed stricken cess pool. They also fight for something called “liberty”, whatever the hell that is. So be sure to bring plenty of spit, Progressives. I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities to spit in the face that bleeds for your rights and dies so that you can live “free” (Ha! Freedom died after the Berlin Wall came tumbling down! Don't lie to us anymore about this “freedom” crap!). It is always, and I mean always, important for you to remind these baby killing dunces that they are infringing on your rights to abort your tummy parasite because they wear the fascist uniform of imperialism. Let us never forget how these idiots vote, we know they vote overwhelmingly Republican in every election. This is partly due to the fact that they are uneducated and stupid. Now then, if they all were indoctrinated and mind-raped by a trained professional at an Ivy-League institution for higher learning, they sure the hell wouldn't be serving this murderous country, now would they? I don't think so, and that is why we need to spit on them so they can get their act together and surrender already. It is your duty, Progressives. If we should celebrate anyone's service to our country, let us celebrate Julius and Ethel Rosenberg's. They died so the Soviet Union could have the bomb!

By the time you're done offending, disgusting, ridiculing, name-calling and spitting, the crowd will understand just how tolerant us Progressives are and why they, the fascist knuckle-dragging hordes, are mindless sheep celebrating an idea that died a long time ago. Freedom lost in the war of ideas, comrades. Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao and Kim have already proven that a totalitarian proletarian dictatorship (ran by a handful of intellectual elitist) works far better and is more morally acceptable than “freedom” and whatever else America has come to “value” (values, disgusting! It's almost as offensive as the concept of a “sale”!). I'm sure the crowd, those who haven't fled at the sight of the Wicca lesbian, are convinced now that joining the Democrat Party is the best thing to do to make America more like, oh I don't know, North Korea? Yes, North Korea – a shining example of a fair and altruistic society where everyone lives in harmony, peace and prosperity! Why can't we be more like them? Why?


Our Fearless Leader looks on as an American flag is burning with a church in the background sliding into the ground. So PROGRESSIVE!


Reader, I hope you have learned a lot in this edition of Ditch Living and Collective Gardening – I sure the hell did. I learned what it means to hate America and why it is imperative to oversee its total and utter decay. It is our duty, our calling if you will from Darwin above, to weed out these “patriots” at all cost. We must ban together this Fourth of July with our lawyers, victim advocacy groups, elected Democrat politicians, academics and whoever else we can dig up that hates America as much as we do to stop this blatant celebration of this awful and sinister country. We need to show America that America is a pretty rotten place to live, even though we, as Progressives, might live in 500,000$ homes, drive fancy cars, own a private jet, have an expensive wardrobe capable of feeding three African nations and, of course, have that vacation home at Martha's Vineyard . Yes, we have these things, maybe due to the freedom we have in this country. NO! We have these things because we are Progressive, and I assure you, you will have these things too if you openly embrace socialism and the government enforced redistribution of your wealth to needy crack addicts. But not just any crack addicts. No, extensive Harvard research suggests that these crack addicts are better equipped to manage wealth for the Common Good – which is why we must take it away from you to begin with.

Thank you, and be sure to vote Democrat.

- Meowsevich S. Punchenko

Editor in Chief of DL&CG magazine.

In case anyone is wondering, progressives do indeed wear parkas and heavy winter clothing all year long. Also, I'm sorry if you find typos, errors or any other kind of mistakes while reading this delicious and tantalizing edition of DL&CG Magazine. You must understand that I'm sometimes overwhelmed when I see Hillary on TV and am so inspired by Lenin's spirit that I HAVE TO post CRAP before thoroughly reading for errors.

I hope you understand, and if you don't, well, I really don't care – just like Nancy Pelosi!

In case anyone is wondering, progressives do indeed wear parkas and heavy winter clothing all year long.

At least when they are not prancing around naked protesting the clothing made by the evil big kkkapitalist businesses.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Ditch Living & Collective Gardening – Celebrating the Fourth Like a Dirty and Toothless Progressive Whore!

• 1 - I'm a refugee from a war-torn nation that was occupied by the American imperialist hordes. This Fourth of July event is offensive, insensitive and is violating my right to privacy. Yes, I was born in Alabama – but Abe Lincoln was a fascist Republican who invaded my state for oil!

I thought our comrades in the NEA were still teaching school chilren that Lincoln would be a Democrat if he were alive today. But I enjoyed your article, Chairman, and I will heed its suggestions. I'm seriously considering contacting my local ACLU area representative because of the firecrackers I have heard the past few days.

Comrades, I think that you are missing out on some really good fun. Have you ever inserted an M50 into the ass of a Party Member who is not towing the proper Socialist line? That is, one that is keeping a little more of the take than he should, and who does not get on his knees five times a day and pray to Lenin.

You and I, of the inner circle, do not need such things, having been elevated to the Godhead of Socialism ourselves, but let's never forget the worker bees of the movement.

There are uses for fireworks. And cattle prods. Hail the Grainger Catalog.

Using fireworks to silence the opposition (whether it is to drown out their talking-points or to cause harm to them) is perfectly acceptable. Using fireworks to celebrate America? FORBIDDEN! Bombs will not burst for freedom but will instead burst for Socialism or Sharia Law. That, comrades, is PROGRESS!

P.S - Abe Lincoln was a gay hairdresser and is indeed a registered Democrat now. We know this after our Historians did extensive research on Abe Lincoln based on primary sources ( which were catty letters about Mrs. Beazley's hair signed by a man named Abe). This PROVES he was in fact a catty gay hairdresser who would no doubt roll his eyes everytime he had to touch Mrs. Beazley's hair!

Come on, Meow; you can't palm him off on me. After all, someone who actually freed someone? No way. It's slavery, dammit, slavery. Why just the other day I had to bitch-slap Nansky because she gave the pilot of her new 757 a day off to visit the hospital bed of his dying mother. I knew that the old woman could hang on another day for I poisoned, er, gave her an organic food supplement the other day just to improve her health and see what it takes to get rid of the old farts who eat up tax dollars, er, seniors who should have the quality of their golden years enhanced.

And anyway. That beard? No way.

I'm sorry, Theocritus, but Abe was a gay hairdresser. I was told this today while getting my hair cut. Yes, a BEQ was chatting up my hairdresser and making catty comments about some old woman's "roots" while she was trimming me up a revolutionary hair-do. It was then when Lenin whispered into my ear that Abe Lincoln was a gay hairdresser. I know, I don't have proof - but that is what Howard Zinn is for, eh comrades?

ACCEPT HIM, THEOCRITUS! OR ELSE...

Ah. Howard Zinn. The perfect man for our times. Who fled a progressive state to come to America, and having gotten here and having risen in academe did what all good academics do: trash AmeriKKKa for its horrible flaws, and imagine the bravery of the man, to say that no AmeriKKKa is not a force for good in the world. That it is evil. It is so evil that he had to escape from a progressive state just to get here so he could call it evil.

What a thinker. My hero.

And by the way, I thought that I was missing a BEQ from the retinue. If you see him/her, send him/her back. I need my shower floor detailed with a tooth-brush.

Mr. Zinn is the perfect plant and we should thank Moscow Center EVERYDAY for sending him over here to defile, ridicule and spit upon the face of this hateful and insensitive warmongering nation! There can be only one empire... THE SOVIET EMPIRE! All other empires are just evil, no wait, there is no evil! Hmm, we need a very complicated 100$ word to take the place of evil when describing AmeriKKKa, something that will appease the relativist and our stoopid activist... hmmm, Geo-Herfenblurdering! Yes, Geo-Herfenblurdering shall be the word used to ascribe everything we see wrong and horrible about America. AMEND YOUR DICTIONARIES! GEO-HERFENBLURDERERING IS NOW *OUR* WORD FOR AMERIKKKA AND HER GEO-HERFENBLURDERING WAYS!

Examples of my *new* progressive word in action!

America has continued to engage in Geo-Herfenblurdering which is denying poor straving Afircan children in Zimbabwe needed food and medical aid.

There is no country on Earth that is Geo-Herfenblurdering more than the US.

If the U.S and it's Resident for life, George Bu$h, were to stop the Geo-Herfenblurdering of the world, why, we would be living in a utopia like North Korea!

I can't beleive she is Geo-Herfenblurdering my potato chips, that bitch! Has she any idea how much I have toiled for that bag of potato chips!? Ugh, she must be a Geo-Herfenblurdering mongrel like AmeriKKKa is!

America is a Geo-Herfenblurdering nation full of potential Geo-Herfenblurding thugs capable of Geo-Herfenblurdering you from all the entitlements you have worked hard to acquire.

Absolutely right, Meow. I have a head ache and it's America's fault. If those people only knew what a Geo-Herfenblurdering monster AmeriKKKa is, they wouldn't be shooting off all those fireworks. Silly people--their grandparents came here from Mexico because they thought that they could do better here but what happened? Their grandchildren are buying houses under due process of law, and buying vehicles that they can afford and get a say in running the government and have good medical care and sleep easy in their beds and don't fear the police.

Now just how unfair is that, I ask you? No one should have to put up with that in AmeriKKKa.