New Dem Strategy: Everyone Cuts And Runs

Encouraged by the media success of their "Bring the troops home before the job is done" campaign, Democrat leadership decided to expand this strategy to other groups of society. The new "Cut and Run For America" campaign to send everybody home before the job is done will first be tested on government employees - teachers, doctors, police, firefighters - and later cover the rest of the population. "Americans need to stop trying," explained the new compassionate strategy Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). "We deeply believe that most people in this country would like to stay low, stop thinking, stop fending for themselves, and just live off government handouts."

Transit Workers Union president Roger Toussaint: Our transit system is a failure. We've been transporting passengers for decades but somehow they always come back. Why can't the government make up its mind about where all these people need to be? The gruesome reality is that the stream of passengers is getting increasingly more chaotic and I don't see any effort on part of this administration to end this quagmire. We might all as well quit and go home. We sleep and play cards all day, the perks are awesome too - this could be a dream job if it weren't for the fires. Those fires are plain dangerous - the government should've done something about them long time ago. That's why I'm voting Democrat. We have put our doctors in an impossible situation when the government doesn't even know how to cure cancer. I was fully in support of treating headaches, but we didn't finish that job. Instead we started treating cancer, which has become a very foolhardy act. I wouldn't want to be involved in a mess that is cancer treatment. Our doctors deserve our support, and we should show it now by demanding that our government pull our doctors out of hospitals as soon as possible. I was fully in support of writing parking tickets - but we didn't finish that job. Instead we are fighting street crime, which is insane. Our government has placed the police in a situation where they can't possibly know who the criminal is. If we really want to bring to justice those who are guilty of crimes, how about charging those who endangered our police by sending them to unsafe neighborhoods? ACLU: The most important indication of a society's health is how it responds to threats. If a society is unwilling to defend itself, it is only a matter of time before it is destroyed. That's when we can start building a new, fairer society on the ruins of what once was the American superpower.

"We all want to change America," added Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) with compassion. "We want it to be a land where noble teachers are free to leave class before the school's over, and heroic firefighters can go home without putting out the fire, where ambulance drivers can drop off patients half-way to the hospital, and construction workers can walk away if a building is taking too long to build. This is what I did in Vietnam and I'm willing to do it again!"

Sen. Kerry went on at great length, describing his vision of a brave new world in which surgeons can leave the operation room before putting the heart back into the transplant patient, police officers can stop chasing murderers if they feel like playing pool, and transit workers can go back to their families before the trains arrive. "Isn't this is the shining city upon a hill that our forefathers had dreamt about?" he exclaimed before being interrupted by Sen. Kennedy (D-MA) who solemnly vowed that from now on he and his son Patrick (D-RI) would leave the bar at 2am as opposed to the regular 4am, before they can accomplish the task of drinking themselves into a stupor.

"A search for the missing Democrat strategy is over," summarized everyone's feelings DNC Chairman Howard Dean. "Cutting and running makes a lot of sense - just look at me! I cut and run in the middle of 2004 presidential campaign, and now I'm Chairman of the DNC! If I can do it, you can do it."

An ardent supporter of the new Democrat plan is Cindy Rella, a grieving mother of a fallen firefighter. Ms Rella has long been calling for all firefighters to quit their jobs and escape to Canada. In an open letter to Fire Department she wrote, "Let the Chief and his cronies put out fires themselves! Our boys signed up seeking government benefits, not to risk their lives just because somebody fell asleep while smoking after a night of wild sex with hookers in a bathtub filled with Bourbon. It is time for the American people to truly support our firefighters and demand an end to this nightmare!"

The day on which the American employment reached peak levels, the compassionate message the Democrats sent to the people was this: "It's OK to stop trying." Experts predict this policy will result in a landslide that'll put both the Senate and the House back under the Democrat control.

Not all Democrat supporters are happy with the new strategy, though. Our sources tell us that Charlie Sheen cursed the new policy, screaming "Strategic redeployment sucks!" when a hooker, who turned out to be a staunch Democrat, got dressed and redeployed just minutes before he could reach orgasm.