Martyr Toys For Jewish Kids Set To Win Media Sympathies

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Having analyzed world media sympathies towards Muslim radicals who teach their young to lace their suicide belts with screws and rat poison to inflict maximum carnage in a crowd of infidels, a desperate Jewish manufacturer of educational toys has launched a " Jewish Martyr Babies" marketing campaign, which they hope will finally make Reuters, BBC, CNN, and other networks view the Jewish experience more favorably.

They now offer their customers anthrax yarmulke, razor-wire-lined tallit, exploding gartel, strangling attarah, metal-piercing dreidels, and other novelty items that are "fun, educational, and lethal."

Below is a sample lineup of Jewish Martyr Toys and mission statement from the manufacturer's website:

Jewish Martyr Toys

Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale!
Free Torah pointer with each purchase, good for poking out eyes or creating neck wounds!

Toy Menorah with Fire Power

Each of the nine plastic candles doubles as a gun barrel so that Little Yossie can blast his way through any crowd of gentiles - with nine times the power! Fantastic for quickly educating dense groups of "people" while they are practicing their so-called "faiths." The premium model can easily penetrate pregnant women. Also includes candle-lighting times.

Kaboom Dreidels

A wonderful Hanukah gift and an excellent way for children of unbelievers to learn about Judaism! Watch your children's adversaries meet their deserved fate as Little Yehuda fills his exploding dreidels with rat poison, teenage Shlomy fills his with his AIDS-tainted semen - and as they spin them towards the enemies of G-d. (Rat poison sold separately.)

Tefillin with Chemical Agents

Here's where your Little Chaim can simultaneously worship and learn science! The arm box is outfitted to spray nerve gas (or any number of other agents for a nominal surcharge). All your little one needs to do is to enter an enemy's children's hospital to pray for their healing, and then pull on the leather straps to cause painful deaths for everyone in the building! The head box contains a small explosive, so that Chaim can blow his own head off afterwards to avoid being captured alive.

Gift Bear with a Message

This furry little fellow can say phrases like "Happy Hanukkah," "Happy New Year," and "You will Suffer for All Eternity," as a special combustible mixture in his cute belly can quickly be ignited to blow up preschool classrooms of up to 4000 cubic feet, or 6000 cubic feet if Little Esther remembers to close all the windows first. Lethal blast range about 60 feet radius, crater upon impact 4 feet wide.

Anthrax Yarmulke

Sporting a smooth velvet finish, this clever yarmulke has a zippered compartment that can contain enough anthrax quickly to exterminate an entire village. Especially useful when Little Reuben is alone among secular Jews who G-d needs to punish with eternal suffering. The Anthrax Yarmulke, being airtight, is also practical for those times when your Little Reuben needs to suffocate your Little Rachel (or one of your wives) for being disrespectful. Three colors.

Hanukkah Story Book with Weapon Compartment

Your young ones will delight in reading the story of Hanukkah to other children, whether or not they are interested in hearing about it. However, for audiences who question the Hanukkah story, your Shmuel will be able to simply remove a knife from a secret compartment and slit the throats of the blasphemers. (The adult Torah can accommodate a mini-saw so that a minyan can easily cut through entire necks of doubters.)

Cyanide Feeding Bottle

Maybe your little one is still in the crib! Not a problem, as this is a specially-designed bottle that can accept either kosher infant formulas or kosher cyanide preparations. Imagine receiving all of G-d's Glory as you poison all unbelievers who venture near your new baby! Or, mix with explosives to convert your infant into a toxic explosive football. Just rear back and toss Baby Shani into the crowd! (Highly recommended if your newborn is a female.)


If we want the world to start liking us, Jewish children need to stop learning useless Western ideas like arts and sciences, and start learning how to become fanatical holy martyrs bent on destroying everything that doesn't conform to their new, pious outlook. At that point, international human rights groups and all progressive people will finally welcome us into their community on par with Palestinians.

In order to attract more of the word's sympathies we encourage all Jews to start protecting their beliefs from criticism and questioning in the manner of their Muslim neighbors. Our new product line is meant to teach our your children to do just that - protect their faith from unbelievers in their formative years. These products, which can be enjoyed by any child over the age of three, are fun, educational, and lethal.

As more of Jewish parents begin to realize that G-d has instructed them to sacrifice their children to protect His Name and the Laws of Moses (Peace be Upon Him), they will also find that all other so-called "education" is utterly worthless. Education, in fact, will become synonymous with "Enjoyable Toys, and Death to Unbelievers, Blasphemers, and Apostates."

If you are Jewish, please feel free to browse through our selection of fine products (with free shipping for the rest of the month). If you are not Jewish, then G-d will terminate your cursed existence soon. Shabbat Shalom!


Muslim toymakers in the neighboring Ramallah remain skeptical about the new competition. "We are glad our Jewish counterparts are finally accepting our terms on the road towards progress," says Abu Hassan, owner of one of the city's many popular metal shops frequented by teenage bombers.

"But you just can't make a quick jump from making puzzles, atlases, and song books to rockets, bombs, and suicide belts. It takes generations of experience and the know-how which the cursed Jew doesn't have," he added, smiling gently under his kuffiah.

Western aid workers have responded to the news with anxious concern. "If one of those damn Jewish toys touches one of my peace tattoos? Like, I am so totally gonna sue their Jewish asses in the international court!" says 23-year-old Hannah, an American student who is spending her second summer at the Rachel Corrie Memorial Camp in Gaza, teaching Palestinian children to dig smuggling tunnels.

When asked if the new trend is going to change the way his organization reports the news, an unnamed Reuters Middle Eastern stringer scoffed, "This is just one of their cheap Jew marketing tricks to earn undeserved sympathy. Life would be so much less complicated if they just didn't exist."


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Some really neat stuff here. I'd like to make a suggestion. Perhaps some throwing stars in the shape of The Star of David as a hansome, inexpensive gift to compliment the Hanukkah Story Book with Weapon Compartment. They would make wonderful party favors or parting gifts. Of course, throwing stars do not have the leathiality of say, 5 pounds of c-4, but getting the kill up close and personal has a satisfaction unto itself. What a wonderful way to assasinate and say "Proud to be a Jew" at the same time. Just a thought.


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Don't forget candy. Kids love candy.

Image ImageImage
Yum, yum!

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I see that Kinder-Komrade is helping to advance the revolution by taking Her much needed dose of ritalin, that is just fantastic.

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Hey, where's the mind control Yamica? I thought they had finished the prototypes long ago. I am disappointed the see that they haven't been put into use yet.

I suggest that Wal-mart have two RED light specials.

One for the special Jewish Martyr Toys!

And one for CELL PHONES, for the brave martyrs of Islam!

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While we are still waiting for the news about Jewish "Gift Bear with a Message" toys to explode, the peaceful Palestinians have beaten their violent Zionist competitors once again:

Nablus: Explosive teddy bears found in lab wrote:Joint paratrooper, Shin Bet force uncovers explosives lab in West Bank city, finds toys with wires hanging from them, apparently slated to be used as deadly explosives