Iran nuke destroys Chicago, nobody cares

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Image Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city."

With the ruins of Chicago still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things.

"Like, I didn't even know where Chicago was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"

In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce."

Image "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"

Given the dismissive attitude of most Americans, the White House is reluctant to take action. A spokesperson explained, "After all the grief we went through with Iraq, who wants another headache with Iran?"

A White House staffer pointed out on condition of anonymity that "any kind of action means we would need to approach the United Nations, build a coalition, have conferences in Europe, deal with idiots protesting no matter what we do, send a few billion dollars to hostile dictatorships, and of course, discuss every detail in Congress from start to finish. By the time we're ready to strike back we'll be dead anyway, so we'd rather focus on the important issues like nationalizing more medical benefits."

There is just as little enthusiasm for this issue overseas. Students around the world are far more interested in reducing the American presence in their countries.

At London's Trafalgar Square, thousands of gays and Muslims joined in an anti-Bush coalition protest. As one irate marcher explained, "The biggest threat to world peace, and gay rights, is George Bush. We stand with our brothers and sisters of Islam in their fight against the threat from America."

A Muslim protester added, "We stand together against Bush and the sexual perversion of homosexuality and lesbianism which must be fought with a severe punishment in this world and the next."

Image ACLU: "We'll file lawsuits against any living relatives of the deceased, but other than that, we see little reason for any action."

A statement issued by the French Foreign Ministry said, "France stands with its historical allies, whoever they may be. And we absolutely did not sell any military technology to Iran. Impossible."

A spokesperson for an assistant to a deputy of Russia's President stated through an interpreter, "This incident will make us stronger. In fact, President Putin has already elected to strengthen his office. And, just like France and Germany, we can't recall selling long-range missiles and nuclear fuel to Iran."

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder responded, to rapturous applause at a Social Democrat rally, "Let's take the military option off the table. We have seen it doesn't work."

American newspapers are generally in agreement about the annihilation of Chicago - to the extent that they have any opinion at all. The New York Times, the newspaper of record, published a small piece at the bottom of its editorial page, titled Whither Chicago:

"We'll miss our many friends in Chicago , but we know that they would have shared our fear of a backlash against Iran. Our friendship with Iranian leaders is being tested like never before. This administration and Ariel Sharon must promise the world that there will be no 'international profiling' against Iran. Our children will thank us."

Nadine Strossen of the ACLU had only a brief comment, "We'll probably file lawsuits against any living relatives of the deceased, but other than that, we see little reason for any action." When asked why the ACLU would want to take legal action against relatives of Americans killed in a nuclear explosion, she responded, "Our lawyers are working on that question now."

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What's Chicago? Probably another myth like Canada.


What about the Steelers vs. the Browns? We love to hate Chicago. You just can't nuke our hate away!
Screw Iran, we'll play in the radioactive rubble if we have to!

Dude - where's Chicago? Is that like a country or what?

Comrade Breshnev
Chicago.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just some more Imperalist Pigs that are now ashes!

Cleveland Brownie
I drove through Chicago once. I'll miss it. Where was it again?

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When I die, let it be Chicago. Seem like there's nothing to loose..

You are scared of death at first, then you look out of window, and suddenly
you can't wait for it to end.
It's like Minsk. Almost...
Like pubic hair in Big Mac.
Like comrade Soros naked.
Like comrade Ruth Bader Ginsburg, ..naked.AAAAAAAAAAAAhL!
Like comrade Ted Kennedy in speedo!

If it's your time, think Chicago. Or Ted, Ruth Bader, Soros or Minsk.

Lovingly Yours,
Iron Felix

Ohhhh noooo what about all the useful idiots we would have after the purge in 2 weeks and all the poor cleveland err uhh anyway I googled the word and it was the same reaction I got when I googled the peoples cube...well at least the peoples state won't have to remove the electricity or roads from that area after the purge and the donkey cart should fetch a hefty price there now...Where was that again???

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Premier Betty wrote:What's Chicago? Probably another myth like Canada.

We purged Chicago long ago; don't you remember? Or was that Cinncinnati? Hmmmm...come to think of it...never heard of either one!

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Iron Felix wrote:Like comrade Ruth Bader Ginsburg, ..naked.AAAAAAAAAAAAhL!
Lovingly Yours,
Iron Felix

Oh, thanks for the visual, Comrade! Remind me to mark you down in my little red book...