Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls this November. To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers' Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all. But how can this be achieved if nobody in the progressive community can read the old Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?
The New Modern Library, our affiliate that brought you Tolstoy's War and Peace - What's the Difference?,Ptolemy for Dummies, Dickens' A Tale of Two Glorious Cities: Leningrad & Stalingrad, and Dante's The Divine Limbo, has also brought that old curmudgeon, The Bible, up to date in a new, progressive edition.
~
We've done away with the traditional Synoptic Gospels - i.e., the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian. This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship.
Since the collapse of the Tower of Babel, a number of groups and individuals have challenged the mainstream account of the event as an "act of God." Although God may indeed have had a motive to destroy it in the legal sense, a Babel conspiracy theory generally refers to a belief in a broad cabal, in which the attacks were executed by powerful groups often including government agencies or an alleged secret global network. A claim that Jews didn't show up for work that day has been widely reported. Many progressive Christians challenging the official account identify as part of the Babel Truth Movement.
The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.
Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Solomon is Shirley. Very few of the characters are Jews. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.
Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre."
Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:
The Organic Garden of Eden
Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
Jonah Saves the Whale
David Appeases Goliath
The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
Judas The ACLU Lawyer
Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes
Progressive journalist Delilah at the New York Times headquarters
All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. Everybody has some point of view, nobody knows anymore than anybody else, and everybody is right. We leave out any opinion that might smack of narrow-minded and provincial ethical piety.
The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past.
The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions.
And then Darwin/God(s)/Godess(s)/Maytag repairman/womyn said: "Let their be social programs!" and so it was done, and it was good. Maybe too good -but all the same-it was good.
Yes!
And Jesus was GAY!
I've heard this one a million times....John, the disciple whom Jesus loved.
Like.....Rudolph, the Roadkill whom Bryan loved....
There was that Broadway play that was around for a while that portrayed Jesus and his disciples as a bunch of wandering gay men who would participate in group orgies and stuff. Very progressive.
Actually I think it is a very honorable decision to rewrite History, under the progressive light! It is our noble duty to enlighten future generations with the true History of humankind. We have to set the example and move forward.
Maybe the next book to be revised should be the Qur'an. No? Why not? Forbidden? Arggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.........
Premier Betty, I do not know the play, but it isounds very progressive. It reminds me of a play written by Jerry Springer that was performed in London, in which Jesus had sex with pigs. As we all know, Jesus is the only prophet we are allowed to make fun of.
If I can make a few suggestions for the Progressive Bible to include:
1. An Exodus in which an oppressed people (the proletariat) is led to freedom by an all knowing and wise Party to the promised future promised to them by an all knowing entity (Marx). While in the wilderness, manna falls from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others.
2. Keep Sodom and Gomorrah, after all, they were cities full of open minded people who had sex with anyone and anything, a place that Bryan might have lived in.
3. Include not only Sodom and Gomorrah, but Saddam and Gore/Moore-ah. Yes, our three glorious heroes, Saddam, Gore, and Moore, who have all been targeted in some form by an angry Bushitler and the RepubliKKKans.
4. Ignore the Gospel of Mark, but in its place, the Gospel of Marx.
The New Bible has many aspects and stories we were unable to include due to format constrains. The Holy Trinity, for instance, is redefined as Marx (the Father), Lenin (the Son), and the Communist Party (the Holy Ghost).
Manna falling from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others, is a metaphor and a model for future government programs.
Sodom and Gomorrah, after being destroyed by God's weather machine in a fashion reminiscent of Katrina, immediately received generous federal subsidies and got rebuilt under the supervision of Mayor Nagin and Congressman William Jefferson. The latter traveled with his personal freezer, protecting people's ca$h from Global Warming. Picture the road signs - "Welcome to Sodom, the Original Chocolate City!" "Welcome to Gomorrah, the Home of Al Gore and Mike Moorrah." The both were very popular with socially conscious tourists.
Finally, a religion I can understand with a Progressive Bible that makes total sense! I really like this helping of progressive scripture for instance?
"Hark the Angels sing of intolerance! And Darwin said, "I cast thee into the burning lake of KY Jelly where you will no longer preach of such hate and bigotry!" And then out of the ash shall arise the Marx, and thee shall thou he she not hasten thou life-partner in thee whoring harlots of thee tyme! For thyne is the commune and thee shall thou knowest thyne hour and whyne of many a tyme in the name of Lenin. For neigh is fine and the money shall be mine, Halleluiah Hillary and pass thyne campaign collection plate! And it was good - too good - once again."
I love the use of the “y” which is so progressive and gender-neutral sounding!
Finally, the outmoded Word of God reinterpreted for today. Perhaps captured best in the poem below:
Creed by Steve Turner
We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.
We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy is OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.
We believe that everything is getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.
We believe there's something in
horoscopes, UFO's and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man
just like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher
although we think His good morals were bad.
We believe that all religions are basically the same--
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of
creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.
We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,
then it's compulsory heaven for all
excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.
We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.
We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Russians would be sure to follow.
We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.
We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.
We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.
"Chance" a post-script
If chance be the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
Similar to the Babel conspiracy, we all the saw the incompetence of R.E.M.A (Roman Emergency Management Organization) in the handling of the Pompeii 'disaster' under the Titus Bush administration. REMA director Pliny Elder failed to get his Triremes to Pompeii and Herculaneum fast enough, and as a result, law abiding Pompeians had to resort to stealing plasma televisions to survive. Reports by Lvis Farakanvs suggest that a large hole was drilled into Vesuvius crust on the Pompeii side, this is the only explanation why the wealthier Neapolitans didn't suffer any damage. Albus Goro was quick to blame the whole even on the Titus Bush's irresponsible environmental policies. If Titus would only ban S.U.Cs (Sport Utility Caravans) then Vesuvius would have never erupted. "We can expect Vesuvius to errupt even bigger next year" He preditcted. Jonus Kerrio placed blamed for the poor response by REMA on the idea that resources are tied up in an illegal, immoral, and unpopular war in the middle east in which Roman Legions were being used to quell violence in Jerusalem. "If you don't study in the great universities, you end up in Judea" He was recently quoted as saying.
...and the Proletariat spoke unto Joshua saying "Jericho is a quagmire" and "No Blood for Milk and Honey".
And Joshua did consult the polls, saying "Let it be done according to the Party. Let us gird our loins in garter belts and fishnet stockings and go forth unto Sodom and Gomorrah with the Ark of Non-Binding Suggestions. There, with federal funding, we will offer up excuses and apologies and rebuild what was destroyed. There we will raise a monument so that our children and our children's children might know the sins we have committed against the Canaanites."
Comrades,
Might I submit that the book of Job (no irony intended) be rewritten to emphasize the dehumanization process the proletariat feels when dealing with the racist, misogynistic, fascist, homophobic, inefficient, unfair, and corrupt Welfare system? Instead of the devil use Welfare, and in lieu of God use Marx.
If I can make a few suggestions for the Progressive Bible to include:
4. Ignore the Gospel of Mark, but in its place, the Gospel of Marx.
Comrade, perhaps in your haste to devour the new "Logos", you failed to notice the article's first sidebar:
"We've done away with the traditional Synoptic Gospels - i.e., the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian. This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship."
You see, Simeon of Marks predicted the coming of the father of communism.
And Moses came down from the mount and said unto them: "I bring you these fifteen--SMASH--ten! Ten commandments!"
I. Thou shalt not take the name of certain aggrieved minorities in vain. There can be no greater sin than to hurt another's feelings.
II. There is no lord thy God.
III. Remember to keep May Day holy (it wouldn't hurt to keep Earth Day holy either).
IV. Honor thy Party.
V. Thou shalt not kill. But thou certainly may abort, euthanize, or bomb infidels.
VI. Thou shalt not steal--only redistribute.
VII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods because there is no private property in the Workers' Paradise.
VIII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife because there can be neither wives nor marriage. Gays cannot marry, so neither can anyone else.
IX. Thou shalt not commit adultery but sodomy is ok.
X. Thou shalt not bear true witness against liberals.
Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
Quote
"And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
This calls for wisdom obtainable only through a liberal arts degree: let anyone with understanding calculate the the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six. For all others, I will make it simple. It is George Bush.
Here's another chapter to the progressive bible:
(All comrades must stand and salute)
Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republics,
Great Russia has welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people,
United and mighty, our Soviet land!
CHORUS:
Sing to the Motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong.
O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
To Communism's triumph lead us on!
2.
Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us,
Along the new path where great Lenin did lead.
To a righteous cause he raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labour and valourous deed.
CHORUS
3.
In the victory of Communism's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear land.
And to her fluttering scarlet banner,
Selflessly true we always shall stand!
Our Party
Which art in Moscow
Socialism be thy game.
From each according to his/her/its means
To each according to his/her/its needs
In the West as it is behind the Iron Curtain.
Redistribute to us each day our daily entitlement
And permit us our purges
As we denounce those who disagree with us
And lead us not into the Gulag,
But indoctrinate us against the evils of right wing agitprop.
аминь!
"For Marx so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Manifesto, that whosoever believeth in it should not perish, but be purged at the end of his usefulness."
Shalt we write the mysteries of the Party Rosary? This one can at least re-write that wretched prayer babbled by the Catholics when they do theirs:
Hail Lenin, full of face
The Party is with thee
Equal art thou among workers
And blessed is the fruit of thy labor, Communism
Atheistic Lenin, father of the Revolution,
Help us poor workers now, and at the hour of redistribution.
Dear american Comrades!
I am a comrade from the People's Republic of Hungary. In my country the attitude is very good. The Hungarian Socialist Party is the ruler of our government. We have a Pelosi-style woman too, her name is Ildiko Lendvai. She always said the true: anyone, who don't think as things as we, well he is a dirty nazi! We have a n other ruler too: Hungarian Liberal Party. They are the most brilliants! They always when the eleczion comes, give the right-winger liberals to beleive, their party is libertarian. But after wone 6-7% they cooperate with us. So we can increase the evil capitalist's taxes, and give the money for the poor Working Class! And we defend the Social Security! In this case we are brothers in arms with the Hungarian Civic Union, because they are becoming very populist! The evil conservative-rightists have only the small Hungarian Democratic Forum. (Oh, why does these retarded class enemies' name resamble your greatest party's name?) Well, the things in our country are never can be better. Don't give up!
The Working Class will win! Increase taxes, defend Social Security,open the borders and beat Republicans! We stand with you in fight!
With best progressive wishes:
Mátyás (Matthew) Rakosi
The Chairman of the Hungarian Workers' Party
The Wise Leader Of Hungarian People
One of my favorite parts is when Lenin changes water into vodka at the Party pogrom.
(Jimmy 39:1977-1981)
More impressive is when Stalin changes vodka into water after a heavy bout of party consultation and purges.
"So sayeth him then the party leader, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, reliefski!"
(Jimmy 52)
To hear the roar of a Soviet T-55's engine and the smell the heavenly aroma of its exhaust! To watch the degenerate criminal counter-revolutionaries flee in terror! Ah yes. Those were the days. Fifty years. It's hard to believe it's been that long.
"Those were the days my friend. We thought they'd never end..."
Sniff sniff...
Pardon me. I'm getting nostalgic and a little misty-eyed.
As someone with much more money, power, booze and hookers, I would personally like to welcome you to the most progressive and politically correct website on Al Gore's Internet.
Comrade Rakosi, I extend my hand in friendship towards you without any motive to personally enrich myself or open a new account in your country for money laundering purposes. And if I may, I would also kindly ask you to submit your ca$h/credit card, names of Hungarian banking officials, life savings and anything else you may possess of value to: Meowsevich S. Punchenko, 1142 Marion Barry Ave., Washington D.C, 10304. After you’re done doing that, please report to the ACLU for a full body cavity search and delousing (this is demanded of all comrades with names that sound similar to "Pelosi").
I found a disgusting thing! The last winter holidays, one of the liberal politicians send this holiday-card for the voters: http://gemenc.hu/sajtoklub/Horngabor.JPG I translate it: "I wish you a familiar togetherness, fulled with love, and many hapinnes! I also wish you A MERRY CHRISTMAS OR HANUKKAH, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
How can a progressive speak about "merry Christmas and Hanukkah" not holidays?!
It shows that traitor libertarians worm themself into our progressive movement to support the class-enemy! I get in some AK-47! There wil be a cleanup in our coalition-party...
I found a disgusting thing! The last winter holidays, one of the liberal politicians send this holiday-card for the voters: http://gemenc.hu/sajtoklub/Horngabor.JPG I translate it: "I wish you a familiar togetherness, fulled with love, and many hapinnes! I also wish you A MERRY CHRISTMAS OR HANUKKAH, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
How can a progressive speak about "merry Christmas and Hanukkah" not holidays?!
It shows that traitor libertarians worm themself into our progressive movement to support the class-enemy! I get in some AK-47! There wil be a cleanup in our coalition-party...
It pleases me that you have reported this travesty to your Party, Komrade Rakoski. You have been a very good proletarian.
I'm offended that there's no mention of Kwanzaa. How can he acknowledge these benighted, decidedly un-trendy, anachronistic judeo-christian cults and not Kwanzaa? Don't tell me it's because Kwanzaa is just a made-up holiday. So is Christmas and Hanukkah (see the second commandment above). And don't tell me its because there aren't any Brothers of Color in Hungary. Since it is in Europe, Hungary must be even more diverse, tolerant, multi-cultural, welcoming, enlightened, open, and progressive than an Amerikkka populated by knuckle-dragging Neanderthals still languishing in their dark ages.
And what about Ramadan? On behalf of the Religion of Peace (or is it Pieces?) I am morally outraged.
Verily I sayeth unto you, my people, I knoweth not thine hand maiden Monica in thy strict sense of Biblical knowing, if thou knoweth what "is" is.
Thine hand maiden was merely cleansing my rod and my staff for comforting as thou would seek comforting words from thine mouth. Yea, though thou cock croweth three times that afternoon in the room of Oval, I knoweth not thine hand maiden who smoketh a mean cigar in a truly Biblical manner for my comfort, Oh Lord, yes, yes, yes, a little faster hand maiden, yes, that's it, that's it, yeah baby, oh yeah.....
More revised inspirational stories from the desk of General Secretary:
• How on the 7th day God rested because Union rules said so
• How Lot's wife turned to pillar of multivitamins
• How God punished people with the plague of SUVs
• How God gave Moses ten loosely interpreted suggestions
• The trans-fat-free wedding feast of Cana
• Lodgings for the rich: no room at the inn for the middle class
• Jesus complies with quotas, selects 12 Apostles based on 12 diverse ethnic backgrounds and sexual orientations
• National Lawyers Guild succeeds in commuting Jesus' crucifixion to life in prison
================
...and Jesus said to Peter "cast out your dolphin-friendly nets again"
...and the Union said "Painters shall not do Lumberjack's work"
Comrade Che Cure Booty, that image of the Holy Card will haunt me forever! I doubt I shall ever get it out of my head...
This whole topik of the Progressive Bible seems to strike daja' vu in me somehow. I don't know why, but I think I read it in my publik university textbook. Can't put my finger on it exactly.
And by the way, Comrade Rakosi, welkome. I am Irina who may or may not be a descendant of former Communists of great country of Poland, now living in sumptuous nation of America.
The old Bible is nothing but empty space - so much trees and paper wasted on something that can fit into a much smaller, yet much more informative and to-the-point instruction pamphlet.
If all those uncounted pages say the same things as the Builder of Communism's Moral Code Pamphlet, they are redundant. And if they contradict the Builder of Communism's Moral Code Pamphlet, they are harmful and must be destroyed. Either way, the memory of them must be erased from the Collective Consciousness with the help of historical revisionism in the academia, news media, and the Party's branches in the entertainment sector.
The visual aid below was prepared specifically to illustrate this very point by our new member Comrade Mikhail T. Kalashnikov.
The New Bible has many aspects and stories we were unable to include due to format constrains. The Holy Trinity, for instance, is redefined as Marx (the Father), Lenin (the Son), and the Communist Party (the Holy Ghost).
Last night while examining my Inner Comrade and thinking on this, I believe i may have been spoken to by the Progressive Holy Trinity.
The enemy we have been fighting has been with us from long back. Consider the traitorous Hebrew nation that escaped the Glorious Worker's Paradise in Egypt, pilfering the People's treasury on the way out I might add. They were led by a reactionary who though blessed with all he could ask for since he had been adopted by a high placed, progressive Egyptian family. But from where did he get his direction, and the very weapons of staff destruction that he wielded against that peaceful Pharaoh? He was led by a voice from a burning BUSH! A mere coninkydinct comrade? I think not!
Excellent suggestions all, Comrades! I have a very humble addition to the intellectual and ideological superiority I see on these threads:
The Party is Ruthless, The Party is Strong; the party is unapologetic, and correct in all things.
The Party is not weak nor does it brook insults of any kind; it does not rejoice at accomplishments of individuals, but rejoices over the Collective. The Party crushes all things, denies all things, repudiates all things as necessary.
The Party never ends; as for Capitalism, it will pass away; as for individuals, they will cease and be assimilated; as for knowledge it will be altered as needed. For our knowledge is perfect because we manufacture it, and since the Perfect (the Party) is here, there is no imperfect to pass away. When I was a Kulak, I spoke like a Kulak, I thought like a Kulak, I reasoned as a Kulak; when I joined the Glorious Party. I gave up the ways of the Kulak. For, while resisting Stalin, I saw dimly; now I look him in the eye. Then, I knew nothing; now I know everything, even as I have been fully examined by the NKVD. So, Collectivism, Submission, Party, abide, these three, but the greatest of these is the Party.
Humblest of thanks for your Glorious compliment, Red Square.
Of course, we must remain true to the party by reminding ourselves that it is the education in our Government Schools that allow us to add pithy statements such as these to the Collective Scripture.
I also have the humbling circumstance of being Vlad's "brother," so genetics played a part. He even complimented me once by calling me a very useful idiot.
Even so, come Utopian World of Next Tuesday, when there will be free everything for all!
izvi`nite. I am being busy on Tuesday, could we do this Wednesday? po`zhaluista
Power to the troddendown and Bosnian Snipers sans rifle, bullet, scope, or opportunity.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
buy a T-shirt
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
