People from all corners of the earth gather to the Cube in Mecca for education and enlightenment. Only instead of rotating it like we do with the People's Cube, they run in circles around it, like the unionized electricians of a certain non-Muslim ethnic minority who rotate the stepladder while changing the light bulb.
Since the rest of the Islamic narrative about the Cube's origin is not in compliance with the Marxist theory of Historical Materialism, below is a korrekted version, developed by the scientists of the Karl Marx Treatment Center.
A member of the Russian parliament from the Communist Party, Comrade Obukhov, has officially¬†stated¬†that the assassination of Boris Nemtsov is nothing like those of Kirov and Kennedy. That almost sounds nostalgic: they don't shoot 'em like they used to. He should know, since both Kirov and Kennedy had been gunned down by communists. But it could also be sour grapes.
Russia's authoritarianism hasn't been the same ever since the Party had lost its license to kill, but there's still a chance...
Looking like a gigantic allegorical suppository for the American president, the green twelve-foot rocket emblazoned with the hammer and sickle over a red star brought up Cold War memories of real intercontinental missiles the Soviet government would parade in Red Square as a vague threat to its enemies. There was no vagueness this time: in large print letters, the message on the rocket said, "To be delivered to Obama in person."
It is a little known fact, however, that when the President first took the pencil and focused on random visual ideas, he accidentally drew a picture of Mohammed. The filming stopped. The ruined sheet was ripped out of the sketchbook and tossed into the waste basket.
On the second attempt, as Obama sat in front of the blank sheet and tried not to think about Mohammed; his hand moved making random lines, which in the end, taken together, looked like Mohammed. That sheet also went into the waste basket.
If Ann Coulter were to live in Russia, her writing would probably be similar to that of¬†Yulia Latynina, one of my favorite Russian-language political commentators and critics of Putin's government.
Latynina's¬†latest column, I believe, must be shared with all people living in Western countries, or at least with those not yet trapped inside the intellectual maze of their own invention. In this conflict of civilizations, winning requires clarity of vision -- something the West no longer has due to its postmodernist obsession with recalibrating and redefining itself.
Below is my somewhat loose translation of Latynina's column - "loose" because, as you will see later, precision sometimes is the enemy of clarity.
Since the monkey was born, Putin's approval rating has remained at 86% without any signs of decline, according to zoo officials.
Ahmed Jihad of the Qatar-funded charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly stated that "This is the end of a tenuous peace between Muslims and Infidels, with only the occasional beheading, open market suicide bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."
This is where the "life imitates satire" part begins. While everyone realized this was a joke, many Russian readers, swept by the current wave of militant nationalism, turned the comment sections of blogs and news websites into an anti-American hate-fest, gloating over Santa's death, praising Russia's military, disparaging Western consumerism, and wishing that Western leaders attending Santa's funeral on the North Pole would drown along with St. Nick's dead body. Some even expressed concern that certain nitwits out there may think the story is real and will draw incorrect conclusions about Russia's peaceful policies. All of them unwittingly proved the point of the¬†Daily Currant's¬†satire:
Several ultra-nationalist politicians in Moscow have praised the downing, which targeted a popular Western celebrity. "Santa Claus is a symbol of Western decadence and consumerism," said Alexei Onnatopp, leader of the far-right Golden Bear party. "Whoever killed this fat, corrupt man is a patriot and a hero.
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
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African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
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Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
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Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
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Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
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Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
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US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
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In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
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North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
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White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
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Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
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Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
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Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
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Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
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White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
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Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
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People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
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Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
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Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
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Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
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Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
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Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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