Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls this November. To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers' Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all. But how can this be achieved if nobody in the progressive community can read the old Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?
The New Modern Library, our affiliate that brought you Tolstoy's War and Peace - What's the Difference?, Ptolemy for Dummies, Dickens' A Tale of Two Glorious Cities: Leningrad & Stalingrad, and Dante's The Divine Limbo, has also brought that old curmudgeon, The Bible, up to date in a new, progressive edition.
We've done away with the traditional Synoptic Gospels - i.e., the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian. This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship.
Since the collapse of the Tower of Babel, a number of groups and individuals have challenged the mainstream account of the event as an "act of God." Although God may indeed have had a motive to destroy it in the legal sense, a Babel conspiracy theory generally refers to a belief in a broad cabal, in which the attacks were executed by powerful groups often including government agencies or an alleged secret global network. A claim that Jews didn't show up for work that day has been widely reported. Many progressive Christians challenging the official account identify as part of the Babel Truth Movement.
The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.
Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Solomon is Shirley. Very few of the characters are Jews. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.
Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre."
Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:
- The Organic Garden of Eden
- Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
- What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
- Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
- Jonah Saves the Whale
- David Appeases Goliath
- The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
- The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
- Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
- Judas The ACLU Lawyer
- Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
- Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes
Progressive journalist Delilah at the New York Times headquarters
All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. Everybody has some point of view, nobody knows anymore than anybody else, and everybody is right. We leave out any opinion that might smack of narrow-minded and provincial ethical piety.
The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past.
The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions.
Now I know how come that in Vienna, Austria there is a township called St.Marx... I never expected the Holy Church to be THAT progressive... :)
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
And then Darwin/God(s)/Godess(s)/Maytag repairman/womyn said: "Let their be social programs!" and so it was done, and it was good. Maybe too good -but all the same-it was good.
Laika the Space Dog
Actually I think it is a very honorable decision to rewrite History, under the progressive light! It is our noble duty to enlighten future generations with the true History of humankind. We have to set the example and move forward.
Maybe the next book to be revised should be the Qur'an. No? Why not? Forbidden? Arggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.........
Premier Betty, I do not know the play, but it isounds very progressive. It reminds me of a play written by Jerry Springer that was performed in London, in which Jesus had sex with pigs. As we all know, Jesus is the only prophet we are allowed to make fun of.
If I can make a few suggestions for the Progressive Bible to include:
1. An Exodus in which an oppressed people (the proletariat) is led to freedom by an all knowing and wise Party to the promised future promised to them by an all knowing entity (Marx). While in the wilderness, manna falls from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others.
2. Keep Sodom and Gomorrah, after all, they were cities full of open minded people who had sex with anyone and anything, a place that Bryan might have lived in.
3. Include not only Sodom and Gomorrah, but Saddam and Gore/Moore-ah. Yes, our three glorious heroes, Saddam, Gore, and Moore, who have all been targeted in some form by an angry Bushitler and the RepubliKKKans.
4. Ignore the Gospel of Mark, but in its place, the Gospel of Marx.
Comrade Branish -
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
The New Bible has many aspects and stories we were unable to include due to format constrains. The Holy Trinity, for instance, is redefined as Marx (the Father), Lenin (the Son), and the Communist Party (the Holy Ghost).
Manna falling from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others, is a metaphor and a model for future government programs.
Sodom and Gomorrah, after being destroyed by God's weather machine in a fashion reminiscent of Katrina, immediately received generous federal subsidies and got rebuilt under the supervision of Mayor Nagin and Congressman William Jefferson. The latter traveled with his personal freezer, protecting people's ca$h from Global Warming. Picture the road signs - "Welcome to Sodom, the Original Chocolate City!" "Welcome to Gomorrah, the Home of Al Gore and Mike Moorrah." The both were very popular with socially conscious tourists.
Finally, a religion I can understand with a Progressive Bible that makes total sense! I really like this helping of progressive scripture for instance?
"Hark the Angels sing of intolerance! And Darwin said, "I cast thee into the burning lake of KY Jelly where you will no longer preach of such hate and bigotry!" And then out of the ash shall arise the Marx, and thee shall thou he she not hasten thou life-partner in thee whoring harlots of thee tyme! For thyne is the commune and thee shall thou knowest thyne hour and whyne of many a tyme in the name of Lenin. For neigh is fine and the money shall be mine, Halleluiah Hillary and pass thyne campaign collection plate! And it was good - too good - once again."
I love the use of the “y” which is so progressive and gender-neutral sounding!
Is there a Book of Armaments in this new bible?
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Finally, the outmoded Word of God reinterpreted for today. Perhaps captured best in the poem below:
Creed by Steve Turner
We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.
We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy is OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.
We believe that everything is getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.
We believe there's something in
horoscopes, UFO's and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man
just like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher
although we think His good morals were bad.
We believe that all religions are basically the same--
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of
creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.
We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,
then it's compulsory heaven for all
excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.
We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.
We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Russians would be sure to follow.
We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.
We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.
We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.
"Chance" a post-script
If chance be the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.
Similar to the Babel conspiracy, we all the saw the incompetence of R.E.M.A (Roman Emergency Management Organization) in the handling of the Pompeii 'disaster' under the Titus Bush administration. REMA director Pliny Elder failed to get his Triremes to Pompeii and Herculaneum fast enough, and as a result, law abiding Pompeians had to resort to stealing plasma televisions to survive. Reports by Lvis Farakanvs suggest that a large hole was drilled into Vesuvius crust on the Pompeii side, this is the only explanation why the wealthier Neapolitans didn't suffer any damage. Albus Goro was quick to blame the whole even on the Titus Bush's irresponsible environmental policies. If Titus would only ban S.U.Cs (Sport Utility Caravans) then Vesuvius would have never erupted. "We can expect Vesuvius to errupt even bigger next year" He preditcted. Jonus Kerrio placed blamed for the poor response by REMA on the idea that resources are tied up in an illegal, immoral, and unpopular war in the middle east in which Roman Legions were being used to quell violence in Jerusalem. "If you don't study in the great universities, you end up in Judea" He was recently quoted as saying.
Comrade Che Cure Booty
Might I submit that the book of Job (no irony intended) be rewritten to emphasize the dehumanization process the proletariat feels when dealing with the racist, misogynistic, fascist, homophobic, inefficient, unfair, and corrupt Welfare system? Instead of the devil use Welfare, and in lieu of God use Marx.
Private Philanthropy is DEAD!
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest
And Moses came down from the mount and said unto them: "I bring you these fifteen--SMASH--ten! Ten commandments!"
I. Thou shalt not take the name of certain aggrieved minorities in vain. There can be no greater sin than to hurt another's feelings.
II. There is no lord thy God.
III. Remember to keep May Day holy (it wouldn't hurt to keep Earth Day holy either).
IV. Honor thy Party.
V. Thou shalt not kill. But thou certainly may abort, euthanize, or bomb infidels.
VI. Thou shalt not steal--only redistribute.
VII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods because there is no private property in the Workers' Paradise.
VIII. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife because there can be neither wives nor marriage. Gays cannot marry, so neither can anyone else.
IX. Thou shalt not commit adultery but sodomy is ok.
X. Thou shalt not bear true witness against liberals.
Comrade Che Cure Booty
Here's another chapter to the progressive bible:
(All comrades must stand and salute)
Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republics,
Great Russia has welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people,
United and mighty, our Soviet land!
Sing to the Motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong.
O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
To Communism's triumph lead us on!
Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us,
Along the new path where great Lenin did lead.
To a righteous cause he raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labour and valourous deed.
In the victory of Communism's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear land.
And to her fluttering scarlet banner,
Selflessly true we always shall stand!
To add to the revised inspirational stories of moral relativism:
~ Al Gore walks on water!
Which art in Moscow
Socialism be thy game.
From each according to his/her/its means
To each according to his/her/its needs
In the West as it is behind the Iron Curtain.
Redistribute to us each day our daily entitlement
And permit us our purges
As we denounce those who disagree with us
And lead us not into the Gulag,
But indoctrinate us against the evils of right wing agitprop.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Aww! How thoughtful, comrade Canem is leading us with Lenin's Prayer! аминь comrade! аминь!
Halleluiah Hillary and pass that campaign collection plate!
One of my favorite parts is when Lenin changes water into vodka at the Party pogrom.
Speaks Truth to Chimps
Imagine the signs at football games:
"For Marx so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Manifesto, that whosoever believeth in it should not perish, but be purged at the end of his usefulness."
Shalt we write the mysteries of the Party Rosary? This one can at least re-write that wretched prayer babbled by the Catholics when they do theirs:
Hail Lenin, full of face
The Party is with thee
Equal art thou among workers
And blessed is the fruit of thy labor, Communism
Atheistic Lenin, father of the Revolution,
Help us poor workers now, and at the hour of redistribution.
Dear american Comrades!
I am a comrade from the People's Republic of Hungary. In my country the attitude is very good. The Hungarian Socialist Party is the ruler of our government. We have a Pelosi-style woman too, her name is Ildiko Lendvai. She always said the true: anyone, who don't think as things as we, well he is a dirty nazi! We have a n other ruler too: Hungarian Liberal Party. They are the most brilliants! They always when the eleczion comes, give the right-winger liberals to beleive, their party is libertarian. But after wone 6-7% they cooperate with us. So we can increase the evil capitalist's taxes, and give the money for the poor Working Class! And we defend the Social Security! In this case we are brothers in arms with the Hungarian Civic Union, because they are becoming very populist! The evil conservative-rightists have only the small Hungarian Democratic Forum. (Oh, why does these retarded class enemies' name resamble your greatest party's name?) Well, the things in our country are never can be better. Don't give up!
The Working Class will win! Increase taxes, defend Social Security,open the borders and beat Republicans! We stand with you in fight!
With best progressive wishes:
Mátyás (Matthew) Rakosi
The Chairman of the Hungarian Workers' Party
The Wise Leader Of Hungarian People
Comrade Che Cure Booty
Oh how you must miss the good old days!
To hear the roar of a Soviet T-55's engine and the smell the heavenly aroma of its exhaust! To watch the degenerate criminal counter-revolutionaries flee in terror! Ah yes. Those were the days. Fifty years. It's hard to believe it's been that long.
"Those were the days my friend. We thought they'd never end..."
Pardon me. I'm getting nostalgic and a little misty-eyed.
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
As someone with much more money, power, booze and hookers, I would personally like to welcome you to the most progressive and politically correct website on Al Gore's Internet.
Comrade Rakosi, I extend my hand in friendship towards you without any motive to personally enrich myself or open a new account in your country for money laundering purposes. And if I may, I would also kindly ask you to submit your ca$h/credit card, names of Hungarian banking officials, life savings and anything else you may possess of value to: Meowsevich S. Punchenko, 1142 Marion Barry Ave., Washington D.C, 10304. After you’re done doing that, please report to the ACLU for a full body cavity search and delousing (this is demanded of all comrades with names that sound similar to "Pelosi").
I accept $, ₤, € and ¥!
Your newest best friend,
Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko
( The pilfering left hand of Her Excellency HRC)
Comrade Che Cure Booty
Party holy cards just in time for Happy Holidays!
More revised inspirational stories from the desk of General Secretary:
• How on the 7th day God rested because Union rules said so
• How Lot's wife turned to pillar of multivitamins
• How God punished people with the plague of SUVs
• How God gave Moses ten loosely interpreted suggestions
• The trans-fat-free wedding feast of Cana
• Lodgings for the rich: no room at the inn for the middle class
• Jesus complies with quotas, selects 12 Apostles based on 12 diverse ethnic backgrounds and sexual orientations
• National Lawyers Guild succeeds in commuting Jesus' crucifixion to life in prison
...and Jesus said to Peter "cast out your dolphin-friendly nets again"
...and the Union said "Painters shall not do Lumberjack's work"
Comrade Che Cure Booty, that image of the Holy Card will haunt me forever! I doubt I shall ever get it out of my head...
This whole topik of the Progressive Bible seems to strike daja' vu in me somehow. I don't know why, but I think I read it in my publik university textbook. Can't put my finger on it exactly.
And by the way, Comrade Rakosi, welkome. I am Irina who may or may not be a descendant of former Communists of great country of Poland, now living in sumptuous nation of America. ;-)
BURNING BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED
Guardian of Pravda
There will be pictures to color da?
Power to the troddendown and those living in high water marks.
Excellent suggestions all, Comrades! I have a very humble addition to the intellectual and ideological superiority I see on these threads:
The Party is Ruthless, The Party is Strong; the party is unapologetic, and correct in all things.
The Party is not weak nor does it brook insults of any kind; it does not rejoice at accomplishments of individuals, but rejoices over the Collective. The Party crushes all things, denies all things, repudiates all things as necessary.
The Party never ends; as for Capitalism, it will pass away; as for individuals, they will cease and be assimilated; as for knowledge it will be altered as needed. For our knowledge is perfect because we manufacture it, and since the Perfect (the Party) is here, there is no imperfect to pass away. When I was a Kulak, I spoke like a Kulak, I thought like a Kulak, I reasoned as a Kulak; when I joined the Glorious Party. I gave up the ways of the Kulak. For, while resisting Stalin, I saw dimly; now I look him in the eye. Then, I knew nothing; now I know everything, even as I have been fully examined by the NKVD. So, Collectivism, Submission, Party, abide, these three, but the greatest of these is the Party.
The Inner Comrade is strong within you, Comrade Buddy_Lenin!
Commissar L.R. Star
Humblest of thanks for your Glorious compliment, Red Square.
Of course, we must remain true to the party by reminding ourselves that it is the education in our Government Schools that allow us to add pithy statements such as these to the Collective Scripture.
I also have the humbling circumstance of being Vlad's "brother," so genetics played a part. He even complimented me once by calling me a very useful idiot.
Even so, come Utopian World of Next Tuesday, when there will be free everything for all!
Guardian of Pravda
izvi`nite. I am being busy on Tuesday, could we do this Wednesday? po`zhaluista
Power to the troddendown and Bosnian Snipers sans rifle, bullet, scope, or opportunity.
I will now sleep better knowing that the massacre at the Red [Reed] Sea is correctly identified as a direct violation of the Geneva Convention protocol.
The Arabs has generously taken it upon themselves to require a recompense for the slaughter of the semi innocents.