|First published in 1967 in commemoration of the|
50th anniversary of the Russian Revolution
This is an Internet version of Victor Vashi's original book, which is long out of print and the publisher no longer exists. The message of this book is so vital and well delivered we felt it a shame not to share it with the world. Especially considering the recent attempts by Russia's ruling elite to bring back the glory of the good old USSR.
The content below was reproduced from a tribute fan site redprimer.com, dedicated entirely to Mr. Vashi's book. We've been linking to that site before, but decided to post it here as well because we've had prior bad experiences with disappearing websites, and this material is too precious to let it disappear.
In 1967, many people, West and East, are celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the "Glorius" October Revolution. To help people understand more about what they are celebrating, we offer a few slices of the anniversary cake. We hope no one gets indigestion.
|March, 1917 |
After the overthrow of the Czar and his government, the people of Russia began their uphill rush toward democracy. The Bolshevik Party worked among the intellectuals, laborers and peasants striving toward the peak. The Party pulled a small and well disciplined organization behind it.
The Party unselfishly led the way to the top.
|October, 1917 |
Once on top, the Party insisted upon assuming the thankless job of ruling, generously waving aside all help.
This is what they celebrate nowadays as the Great October Revolution.
Lenin, the great teacher who engineered the October Revolution, translated Marxism to fit Russian conditions. Its philosophy: The end justifies the means. It's goal: Communization of the World.
But, first of all, order had to be established at home. This was done by abolishing the Czar and his family, the nobility, the landlords, the bourgeoisie, the czarists, the capitalists, the Mensheviks and other kinds of -ists and -iks. "...Terror cannot be dispensed with..." said Lenin and his words were carried out to the letter.
|The Soviets' love for their fellow men never recognized borders. The new Ukranian Republic was allowed to join the new Russian Soviet Republics..."voluntarily." |
The independence of the new Georgian Republic was also granted by the Soviets in 1921. To "guarantee" this "independence," the Soviets incorporated Georgia into the Soviet Union eight months later, after Red Army invasion.
Lenin's death did not stop progress. Stalin, translating Lenin's translation of Marx, announced the same philosophy: The end justifies the means; and the same goal: Communization of the world. But, the methods became a bit more direct in Stalin's translation.
The first Five Year Plan needed a labor force. So a great recruiting began -- with many fringe benefits promised for all. To get skilled labor the Party established labor camps, where people (without charge) were taught how to work. Sometimes they were referred to as "concentration camps," because they represented the blessings of Communism in a concentrated form.
Food was scarce, creating some discontent in certain groups who had not found enough calories in Communist theories. The Party had a simple and effective method to create more food per capita.
When the Party finished, there were ten million fewer dissatisfied people.
Industry and property belonged to the workers. The State is the instrument of the people also. So in the name of the people, the State took all industry and property from "incompetent and sabotaging" private owners.
Siberia, with its tremendous wasteland, offered an unlimited future for pioneers willing to take the risk. The will was supplied by the Government and millions marched toward their glorius future -- however short it turned out to be.
Everyone had to measure up to the rigorous demands of the New Russia -- and the Party provided the yardstick.
|The Party sponsored everything that had been "repressed" by the Czars. Art, science, literature -- every aspect of culture -- was given a helping hand by the Party, which insisted that every Russian keep an open mind.|
Freedom of the press was strickly enforced.
Religious freedom was applied equally to every church.
Old Man History underwent some alterations. Parts which did not fit were rearranged, useless ones thrown away and more suitable parts introduced. The rearranging of History remains an important and demanding task in People's Democracies to this day.
The outside world watched, with great interest, the iron curtain of the great shop where the "liberation" of mankind was being fabricated. Occasionally, unmistakable signs of "progress" leaked out.
|Much impressed, the outside world did not hesitate to accept the new Russia into its ranks. And the new Russia did not hesitate to spread its good will to the rest of the world.|
|Diplomatic acceptance gave the Soviets an opportunity to call for the laborers of the world to unite. The laborers of the Soviet Union, of course, were already united.|
|Unity is required not only among the rank and file but in the higher echelons of the Party. There, as everywhere, unity is based on mutual trust. Mutal trust, in turn, is the fountain of party discipline all over the world.|
|1936-37-38It was embarrassing, though, when the highest Soviet courts had to announce that the top echelons of the Party were full of traitors and hoodlums with sick twisted minds (including some of the founders). |
The Party was obliged, however reluctantly, to remove these undesirable elements.
|The Iron Curtain stayed closed. Behind it, in a friendly manner, family quarrels were settled, and settled, and settled again. |
Sometimes the hand of justice had to reach far out, even abroad. But most of the delinquents were within easy reach.
After the public trials of the fallen leaders, thousands of their faithful followed then without any publicity -- from there to eternity.
In the Ukraine, Khrushchev, himself a Ukrainian, did a highly commendable cleanup job -- even by Stalin's standards.
|From time to time, the Soviets took time out to daydream about the ultimate goal -- all the people of the world peacefully and happily united under Communist rule.|
|In 1939 a wonderful opportunity for world peace came from the most unexpected source. Although the Soviets opposed Fascist dictatorship and imperialiism, they saw a means which could be used to further the ultimate triumph of the Communist brand of Socialism. A mutual non-agression agreement was made with Hitler. |
Hitler invaded Poland and the Soviets moved in to prevent the Nazis from taking over the whole country. The Societs murdered some 11,000 Polish officers and intellectuals at Katyn Forest and peace and order were established in Poland, for a while.
To the north, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania were enjoying freedom from the Russian yoke -- though their joy was frequently disturbed by nightmares.
The Soviets soon made those dreams come true. Since they were unacquanted with the Soviet way of life, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania were given a concentrated course to catch up with it.
The Soviets decided they would liberate only part of Finland. And ever since they have lived in friendly coexistence.
|Now the "warlike" Finns started difficulties for the "peace-loving" Soviets. They were actually shooting back! The campaign was brought to a victorious close by the superior strategy and tactical knowledge of the Soviets.|
Since the Soviets had suceed so easily in adding territories with sometimes uneasy consent of their Nazi ally -- they took a modest bite of tasty Rumania. Then Bukovina and Bessarabia were annexed and incorporated into the Soviet Union, according to the wish of the people (in the Kremlin, that is).
After Hitler's unbelievable treachery, the invasion of Russia, the Soviets were eager to lend a helping hand to the Allies in order to save them from the perils of war and defeat.
Encouraged by the Soviets, the people of Warsaw revolted against Hitler's bloody tyranny. Hitler reacted with all of his mad fury. Because it could not bear to watch the aweful sight, the Soviet Army stopped short of Warsaw for more than two months until the carnage was ended.
To console themselves, Russia annexed the eastern part of Poland and northern East Prussia.
Then came the big Summit Conference -- Teheran, Moscow, Yalta and Potsdam. The Big Three came to settle the post-war world, but one player forgot the cards, and another forgot the chips. While they were looking for a new deck, Russia took the pot.
The Tehran, Yalta, and Potsdam conferences will long be remembered, for at them the foundation of the post-war world were pulled into place. It wasn't an easy accomplishment -- everyone had to pull together.
|In 1945 the Soviets were finally allowed by the allies to win the war and liberate eastern Europe, cutting the ropes of Nazi slavery. The glorious Red Army liberated Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Rumania, Albania, Bulgaria, the eastern part of Germany and the eastern half of Austria. the Soviets have given these people full membership in the Soviet Empire with no strings attached.|
Russia had a non-aggression pact with Japan, which prevented most Japanese interference with shipments of supplies to Russia through the Pacific. This arrangement was so convenient that for two months in 1945 the Soviet Embassy in Tokyo concealed Japanese attempts to surrender.
But when the atomic bomb shattered Japanese resistance, there was no longer any need to honor some words written on a piece of paper. When Japan asked the Allies for surrender terms, Russia declared war on Japan, knowing that neutrals seldom get near the spoils.
To even the loose ends in the after-war chaos, and to relieve some liberated countries from administrative burdens, the Soviets annexed Carpathian Ruthenia from Czechoslovokia; one tenth of Finland, the Republic of Tanna Tuva; the Manchurian railroads from China, Southern Sakhalin, the entire string of Kurile Islands from Japan, and Mongolia from China.
The heroic Red Army took every opportunity to spread culture and persuade the newly liberated peoples to give up immoral capitalism. Much was accomplished for when one begins to liberate, it's hard to stop.
Peaceful coexistence (otherwise known as salami slicing) began between the Communists and their opposition.
Tiny particles (sometimes known as infiltrators) are put inside the salami. These particals operate from the inside, while the Communists work from the outside.
If the salami disappeared all at once its departure would be too obvious. Besides, a whole salami is usually just too much to swallow. But thin slices are easy to gulp down and few pay attention. Certainly even fewer will risk anything to save a single slice. So before long, the whole salami has been consumed and digested.
Peaceful coexistence has its economic side too. Vigorous import-export activities began immediately after liberation. Trains, loaded with goods and goodies, rolled back and forth between the Soviet Union and the countries, bringing the benefits of the great Soviet culture and civilization, and much needed economic aid.
With all these methods the Soviets established a loyal and firm alliance, often referred to by the West as the "satellite system."
Occasionally, changes had to be made at home.
"I have to announce that Comrade Commissar has been relieved of his post -- for health reasons..."
The Soviets had many conferences with the Western powers.
People thought the four would make beautiful music together. But the quartet could not get in harmony, with the record player repeating the old tune over and over again.
The conferences were gay occasions, full of cultural exchanges, during which the Soviets demonstrated their version of the "one-step." They would take ten steps forward on somebody's property. When too many complained, they pulled one step back, displaying a willingness to compromise. Amidst the great rejoicing. most were happy to forget the net gain of nine steps for the Soviets.
Technology was far from ignored in the Soviet Union. A miracle machine was built. It worked on the principle of automation: namely, non-thinking machines can eliminate thinking people, just an updating of the old philosophy "the end justifies the means."
Long before Sputnik, the Soviets invented a new form of insect life, the Coldwarnik, and sent it orbiting around the world.
To demonstrate their love for peace, the Soviets staged impressive peace conferences in Prague, Stockholm, Paris, and other places. They were determined to extend the olive branch, even if it killed somebody.
|In an outburst of friendliness the Soviet desired to make an ally of Northern Iran, and moved in with the glorious Red Army. But a rare thing happened: the UN stiffened its spine and called off the one-sided love affair.|
Also for the love of peace, the Soviets encouraged Markos to liberate Greece from the yoke of the West. But, after the alleged defection of Yugoslavia's Tito from the Kremlin line, this project had to be abandoned. Thousands of Greek children who were kidnapped are still in Iron Curtain countries.
|Tito's defection from the Kremlin line seemed to be a nasty crack in the otherwise smooth ice. But Tito never made any real trouble for the Kremlin and never will. In fact, his "break" helped the Soviets to recognize the necessity of taking certain precautions to prevent cracks in the other satellites.|
First of all the Soviets had to protect the newly gained freedom of these peoples from enslaving efforts of the West.
|They established peoples' armies in the liberated countries.|
The standard of living was increased by raising the value of the ruble.
|They developed industries in these countries and solved the problem of marketing by milking these industries of most of their products.|
|June, 1948 |
To show how thoroughly they honored treaties, in case anyone had any doubts, the Soviets threw a blockade around Berlin. the West responded to the Soviet whistle with the air-lift dance, and politely let the Soviets have complete control of the ground routes to Berlin.
At about the same time, to underline their love for peace, the Soviets began to shoot down unarmed Western planes, which with obvious warmongering intentions happened to stray too close to Russian fighter planes. They decorated their brave fighter pilots with great fanfare.
The Soviets were naturally irritated by the protests of the Western Allies about the repeated Soviet blockades of the Berlin land routes. So they established the sovereign East German Socialist Republic to give the West an authority to turn to concerning blockades and similar matters.
The Communist apparatus formed rings around the earth, made up of assorted political idealists, sicial misfits, bonafide spies, traitors and pleaders of the Fifth Amendment. All served the Kremlin cause in one way or another.
|From the beginning, a tremendous emphasis was put on industrial development to further peace and improve the standard of living of the people.|
Big postwar changes began to show in Asia.
With the bessings of the world and the help of the Soviets, China was liberated by agrarian reformers. Their first concern was the fertilization of the soil, and they began by underplowing countless millions of Chinese farmers.
|By 1950 the world had wondered why it had opened its door to the spirit of the new times. |
The Chinese did not sit still while their hundreds of thousands of voluntareers were fighting in Korea. Since Tibet had not had an agrarian reform program for years, Red China took pity on the backward nation, and began the softening up and fertilization of Tibet's rocky soil. The Big Leap Forward had begun.
The game was the same in Korea, but the rerormers took quite a few steps backward.
Until Korea, the Soviets were always on hand with their veto when there was hope for peace and international justice. Having walked out in a huff, they were not in the U.N. when it voted to intervene in Korea.
But when the battle field moved quickly toward the north, the Soviets could abstain no longer. They proposed negotiations and the battlefront froze. And so, the West went for another ride.
Austria was a friendly country during the war, just like Poland, Czechoslovakia, and Albania. So special efforts were made to develop its industry and natural resources in the Soviet-occupied zone to the east.
When the occupation of Austria ended after eight years of conerences, there was not much left in the eastern part of the country.
|That the Soviets were always eager to extend a helping hand to people fighting for their freedom was readily demonstrated when some scattered reactionary elements in the East Germany instigated rioting.|
Through all these perilous times, the Soviets worked hard to protect a peaceful image, but usually managed to reveal where they really stood.
The Soviets did not abandon their enthuiasm for nationalism (outside the Iron Curtain). They strongly supported Algiers, Egypt, Syria, all the Arab nations, the new African states and Latin America in their nationalistic efforts.
The economic and cultural developement of underdeveloped countries was a pet project of the Soviets. A heavy flow of aid constantly poured into them.
Viet Nam needed reform too, so Red China carried the torch into Viet Nam and helped harvest the rice. They are still in Northern Viet Nam and are eager to carry the torch in a southerly direction.
Since the Soviets had nothing to lose and the West nothing to gain, the Soviets agreed to a summit conference in Geneva which distilled a certain spirit. The spirit was served with smiles at vodka parties, brought great relief to the world, and lingered on for quite a while after the conference.
When Khrushchev, in tears, focused the white light of "truth" on the late Stalin, the world was deeply touched and concluded that Communism was beginning to mellow.
For those inside the party, Communism, since its beginning, has followed a straight party line. It only looks crooked from the outside.
Soviet diplomacy marched on with firm steps, never faltering, signing treaty after treaty.
From 1917 until the Geneva Summit Conference the Soviets signed fifty-two agreements with the West. Only two have been kept by the Soviets, who for all their attributes i>are forgetful now and again.
Nowadays the Kremlin's daydreaming is not entirely undisturbed. Nightmares do occur. the image of a happy Communist world is distorted by slanted eyes looking back at the daydreamer.
And behind the iron Curtain, the satellites grew in their understanding that lemonade is very healthy, but not for the lemon.
After Khrushchev's revelation about his former boss, some ignorant Poles took him at his word and thought all the wrongs committed by the late Stalin would be corrected.
The Soviets were quick to straighten out such reactionary thinking.
|October 23, 1956 |
The dust had barely settled in Poland when the Hungarian people borrowed the idea of a Glorious October Revolution from their Soviet friends.
But Lenin had said that revolutions are not exportable. So the great Soviet friend of the Hungarian people crushed, very efficiently, a stubborn band of "Western agents" fighting with smuggled "Western weapons."
While Soviet troops joined the Hungarians in their revolt, the West considered what it could possibly do. Sympathy was quickly extended by some, and other courses of action were discussed. then to everyone's great relief, the UN got busy. There was even talk of sending notes, but no one seemed to know where.
Some powers decided this was the right moment to settle differences about Suez. The Soviets, as always, protectors of international law and justice, were quick to cry "bloody murder."
|Thanks to the tanks of the glorious Soviet Army, peace was restored in Hungary and all was quiet again on the Eastern Front.|
|A large scale cultural exchange was begun to re-educate the Hungarian people. Transportation to the famous Soviet educational system was free, and the trains are still rolling.|
|Cultural exchange between the East and West was becoming a reality shortly ater the execution of Imre Nagy, Hungary's Prime minister during the revolt. Nagy had asked for Western intervention, but only the Russians cared enough to intervene. Time erases most bad memories, however, and before long artists and tourists swarmed back and forth across the borders.|
|The famous Soviet education system cares dearly for all countries' education. Thousands of youth from the continents of Latin America, Europe, Africa, and Asia get generous scholarships to Moscow University where they are taught the intricacies of history, struggle of the classes, Psychological warfare, Philosophy, Marxism-Leninism-Stalinism-Khrushchevism, and agitation-propoganda techniques|
|Amidst all this culture, political changes were necesary. Again it became apparent that the kremlin was full of crooks. So with Marshal Zhukov's help Khrushchev put the Kremlin under new management.|
|With Mr. Khrishchev in the picture the old goals remained the same. Marx translated by Lenin, translated by Stalin, was now interpreted by Khrushchev -- and the goal was still "world conquest."|
The Soviets discovered the power of education long ago. With intense study and the data obtained from the West in various ways, Russian science made tremendous advances. The whole world, therefore, was left gasping, when the first Sputnik was fired into orbit while the three services in the Pentagon were fighting over which one should have priority in the missle field.
|Then Marshal Zhukhov was fired into oblivion by Khrushchev, as an example of his gratitutde for having helpied him into absolute power.|
|Anxious to keep sowing reform in Asia, the Chinese agrarian reformers, after acquiring a few islands for nothing, tried to harvest Quemoy and Matsu also.|
In Cuba a revolution changed rulers and since then infidelity is not at all rewarding. Fidel Castro insists the shape of one's beard is one's own business.
|After the first Sputnik came a bigger one, giving man's best friend a free ride into space. This added prestige to Soviet diplomavy, which orbits relentlessly around the world.|
When Lunik hit the moon, Khrushchev hit the U.S. From Washington D.C. to Disneyland, the Soviet leader delivered his message of, "Let there be peace and brotherhood - or else!"
|In the meantime, "foreign agents" provoked an "uprising" in Tibet as they had in Hungary in October, 1956. Red China responded and so did the free world. There was talk in the UN, but only the Dalai Lama cared enough about so small a slice of salami to make a move.|
|Red Chinese surveyors went to work on India's border and happened to step out of bounds. the indians excused the trespassing again and again until the big-booted Chinese convinced even nehru they meant to walk all over him.|
|Russia wanted a Summit Meeting with the Western powers, or so it seemed. But when a Westerner named Powers dropped in unexpectantly, giving Khrushchev the excuses he needed, K. cried, "U-2," and claimed a foul. The Paris peace meeting blew H-bomb high.|
|Never one to forget a good idea, the Soviets can be expected to extend an invitation for another Summit Conference. there will be a new Spirit at the conference table, but the old spirits will be present too.|
In need of a new forum, Mr. K. put in a personal appearance at the UN. He introduced some new techniques in diplomacy, almost lost a shoe, but stole the show while his "little helpers" cheered on.
|Freedom in the Congo meant the return of the law of the jungle. The Soviets were eager to cut a clear path through it, leading to Moscow of course. The UN, with Hammerskjold in high command, plunged into the picture, but the situation remained somewhat tangled.|
|Laos is an underdeveloped country, so the Soviets are eager to develop it. To establish schools, hospitals, industry, modern africulture and peace, the Soviets air-dropped arms, ammunition and military technicians; because first chaos has to be developed. Out of chaos emerges Communist culture. |
Meanwhile Russia was deeply engaged in conversations about cease-fire talks.
Since man's best friends had been in orbit for years, it was high time for man himself to join them. Major Gregarin received the highest honor in Russia, higher than the Lenin order: He got a private apartment.
|East Germany was a full sack, but it had a leak. Day after day thousands were foolish enough to choose the West in preference to Communist Paradise.|
So one morning the Wall was there, built, of course, to prevent people from the West from entering the Communist Paradise without permission.
|There is an old Communist game. "Demand and Compromise." Nowadays it has become so popular, and rewarding, that more and more are eager to play it all over the world. Especially since yalta, Malta, Potsdam, Teheran, Geneva, i>ad infinitum.|
the Bay of Pigs taught Fidel a lesson: that he could do just about anything he pleased. He raised the Red Flag, opened his mouth even wider and stepped up the export of Cuban "tourists" to other Latin American countries.
As a friendly gesture, the U.S.S.R. planted some very specail "Redwoods" (i>Sequoia sempervirens) in Cuba. After an unfriendly gesture from the U.S., the Soviets took their crop back (or at least pretended they did). But they left the room for Fidel to nurture.
|i>Sic transit Gloria Mundi|
(So passes the glory of the world)
He who had put so many to rest was not to rest in peace. Stalin was dragged from his coffin and buried for good by the Master Burier himself.
|In 1964, Chariman Khrushchev was elevated to the status of Elder Statesman. Since then the volume form the Kremlin has been turned down but the message remains the same.|
|The Soviets rode high as the standard bearer of freedom and opponent of colonialism.|
|The ultimate goal, of course, remains the same. Whether it will be carried out under the rule of Moscow or of Peiking, or at all, remains to be seen. But try they will, as they always have.|
SO THIS IS PROGRESS?
Since 1917 the "liberation" of the world by the Soviets has been moving along. The Ukraine was liberated in 1918, Georgia in 1921. In 1939, with Hitler as an ally, the pace accelerated. First came the three Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. Then parts of Finland, and in 1940 Bessarabia and Bukovina, were unshackled from Mother Rumania. The same occurred to eastern Poland and northern East Prussia.
Then Hitler changed the script in 1941 and put a temporary stop to. the unchaining, but friendship with the West got the liberation train rolling again and gave the Soviets an opportunity to perfect their strategy.
Poland became an ally of the West, but the section liberated by Russia stayed that way. From allied Czechoslovakia the Soviets set at liberty the Carpathian Ruthenia; and from allied China the province of Tannu-Tuva, the Manchurian railroads, Dairen and Port Arthur. Not wishing to be accused of taking only from friends, Russia hastily tore up its non-aggression pact with Japan after the Nipponese were beaten, declared war and annexed Southern Sakhalin and the entire string of Kurile islands.
But emancipation was not always accomplished by formal annexation. In one year, 1945, Russia liberated friendly Poland (what was left of it), the balance of Czechoslovakia, eastern Germany, Hungary, the remains of Rumania, Bulgaria, friendly Yugoslavia and Albania. In Asia, Mongolia and northern Korea were taken into the "Peace Camp" the same way.
China was liberated in 1949 and then did some unchaining of its own. In. 1950 Tibet was unfettered, and in 1954 northern Viet Nam. In 1959 some parts of India were joined to Tibet, which has been a subject of continuous liberation.
The "Peace Camp" followers have now managed to "liberate" about 800 million people and five and one-half million square miles of land. And the tide is still rolling. The "deliverance" of Cuba by Castro has been acknowledged as a Communist open-ing wedge in the Western Hemisphere. In other Latin American countries, in new and old African states and in Asia, "progress" is very promising. And when the world is all one slave camp, there is always outer space!
Pleasant dreams children ... diplomats ... and politicians.
About the Author
VICTOR VASHI is a gentle soul who loves babies, dogs, cats and America. A graduate of the Hungarian Royal Academy of Fine Arts, he turned cartoonist for one of Budapest, Hungary's leading newspapers, i>8 Orai Ujsag.
Mr. Vashi cartooned his way through the years of Nazi and Soviet occupation of his country. He emerged from these experiences with no visible changes in his optimistic outlook or sunny personality.
The Nazis "loved" his tart cartoons, so much so that they ordered him to stay on for fifteen years. Fortunately, he managed to be engaged elsewhere during his "trial" and never served the sentence.
The Russians later became equally "fond" of his humor. He was locked in solitary confinement and was overlooked the day they cleaned out the Godollo Prison Camp, sending all able-bodied males to Siberia. This undoubtedly saved his life, but left him available for a "death march" to another concentration camp. Thus began his Communist indoctrination.
In December of 1946 Mr. Vashi managed to escape to Austria. In the process of making his way to America, he cartooned for a number of European newspapers including the Salzburger Nachten, Weiner Kurier, Hungaria of Munich, Emigrans Szabad of Paris and Praat of Amsterdam.
Mr. Vashi seriously considered writing abook, but after thinking it over decided to tell a story in cartoons, this time for the benefit of "children and diplomats." This primer is the result.
|Conversion credits: |
Originally scanned for the internet by Danny Carlton, whose blog can be found at JackLewis.net, and whose personal page is at DannyCarlton.net.
Quote:But Lenin had said that revolutions are not exportable. So the great Soviet friend of the Hungarian people crushed, very efficiently, a stubborn band of "Western agents" fighting with smuggled "Western weapons."
Quote:But Lenin had said that revolutions are not exportable. So the great Soviet friend of the Hungarian people crushed, very efficiently, a stubborn band of "Western agents" fighting with smuggled "Western weapons."
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Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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