This holiday season our warmest greetings go to the US Postal Service, an exemplary government-run organization, for issuing an official holiday poster that documents a positive paradigm shift in our national mentality. Displayed at post offices nationwide, it unobtrusively reminds Americans what national holidays they should observe this December: Hanukkah Ball, Kwanzaa Parade, Muslim Eid Carnival, Breast Cancer Gala, and Family Violence Bash (not necessarily in that order). In case you missed it, Chr***mas is not part of the holiday season. Come to think of it, it has never been. What Chr***mas? Never heard of it.

The suspicious Madonna stamp on the poster may seem like a weak compromise, but we believe it's a wise move to soften the blow and to ensure a smooth transition to a new progressive era. Chr***mas is spelled at the top of the stamp in tiny letters, but nowhere on the poster. Let's give USPS credit: the stamp is only a reproduction of a moldy 14th century painting from the National Gallery of Art. It's just art, comrades - and like Chr***mas it belongs in a Museum of Old Things.

USPS catalogue calls it "Holiday Traditional: Madonna and Child." When queried who exactly the child is, a USPS worker shrugged. "It's just a child with a really small head, you know? This stamp raises awareness. A girl forgot to abort the fetus and see what happens. It's not different from domestic violence or breast cancer. Happens to all who don't respond pro-actively."

A senior USPS representative was reserved and respectful: "What child? There has never been a child. I have no idea who was born on December 25th. We have always been celebrating Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, Family Violence, and Breast Cancer. We have never celebrated Chri... that thing that I suspect you're thinking about. I'm afraid I'll have to report you to Mr. Azeezaly Jaffer, our Public Affairs and Communications V.P.

USPS Public Affairs and Communications V.P. Azeezaly Jaffer

We couldn't help asking Mr. Azeezaly Jaffer about a potential public danger posed by commemorating certain Christian holidays. "Christians? You mean those Neanderthals who always offend progressive tolerant folk by the mere fact of their existence? What have they ever done to deserve a commemorative stamp? Appeasement of Christians on such a high level might encourage them to commit more hideous atrocities. You're not a Christian, are you?" At which point we produced our People's Cube credentials and we all had a good laugh.

In the end Mr. Azeezaly Jaffer shared with us his plans to introduce a new poster to be hung at the doors of every US post office: No dogs, no guns, no Christians. "It's so easy for us to prevail," Mr. Jaffer added with a wink. "All it takes is that good men do nothing."

With that we shook hands, congratulating each other on our successes in the Culture Wars, and wishing one another a joyful, meaningful, and reflective Kwahaneidmas, Breast Cancer, and Domestic Violence.