The People's Cube - Trotsky's ashes stolen and baked in cookies

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Trotsky's ashes stolen and baked in cookies

By Red Square
4/25/2009, 3:46 pm

Eat it, Trotskyites! Whether this reporting is true or not, this is good news for the Party. Anything is moral as long as it raises awareness about social justice and the struggle for the Common Good™!

Indymedia UK wrote

Eighty eight years of the day Trotsky directed the suppression of the anarchist uprising in Krondstadt, a group of bandits scaled the walls of his former house in Mexico City during the late hours at night.

Repost of english translation:

Eighty eight years of the day Trotsky directed the suppression of the anarchist uprising in Krondstadt, a group of bandits scaled the walls of his former house in Mexico City during the late hours at night. We broke the lock on his mausoleum and we expropriate the content inside it: a silver large vase that bears the inscription of his name, wrapped in the red scarf that he carried around the neck, containing the ashes of the corpse inside. We replace with care the lock in the monument with a reproduction that was similar in the appearance and escaped into the night.

The vase along with its content then was taken far away to a place where the vase was discarded and the content (a combination of ash and bone) were baked in cookies. These cookies then were sent, along with a letter that explains our actions, to newspapers, to organizations of Trotskyists, and to the groups of anarchist around the world.

While we will not repeat everything of our full letter, briefly we propose to give new light to the idea that history does not end with the past and still a small group of bandits can give new direction to fights thought long to be frozen in the time. We want to expand the fight to include dead objects of the past that hold hostage us in the present.

Nevertheless, if Trotsky is right about the history, we do not determine anything, but we are only characters whose actions were written in the revolution of October. As was his destiny, coincidentally, to come to be a cookie.

The ones that receive these cookies have a decision. Through time, the act to consume enemies have been seen as a way to absorb their powers. On the other hand, consuming the body and the blood of the dead person as a sacrament have also been a form of worship. We would want to indicate that, at any rate, the result is always shit.

For those a little delicate, we have tried them, and although they be a little sandy, they are delicious. The green dots, by the way, they are just candies.

How soon before the fighters against capitalist profiteering start posting Trotsky Cookies on eBay?

By Sister Massively Opiated
4/25/2009, 6:20 pm

Dear Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid,

I was so taken with the this act (and having flashbacks to Stranger in a Strange Land), that I felt the need to see if it were, in fact, possible, or if it would ruin a perfectly good cookie recipe to add cremated remains... People don't realize that baking is very much better living through chemistry, and while cookies are not a particularly difficult thing to produce, generally, some recipes must be made just so, with very specific ingredients for them to work. And so I was shocked to find out that these Mexican youths are not the creators of this recipe! There is, in fact, posted on Epicurioustalinist.com, a recipe for "To Die For Chocolate Trotsky Smarties Cookies". Despite my Russian roots, and my familiarity with the cuisine of the region, I have never come across such a recipe among the various foods of my motherland... such traditional things as borscht, okroshka, black rye bread with drippings and pickled herring, caviar - though it is not something I like - kasha, pelmeni, vereniki and pickled vegetables - cucumber, mushrooms, beets and cabbage... kielbasa and dry salami. zharkoye and shashlik... zapekanka... tvorog and syrniki, palachinkas and blini... and well made kulich... but never these biscuits.

Yet, all I have to do is Goolag this recipe and immediately, I find this, which must, according to the article, be my destiny, just as it was Trotsky's destiny to become a cookie:

DROP DEAD TO-DIE-FOR CHOCOLATE-DROP TROTSKY SMARTIES COOKIES (the same recipe can be found under Bronstein Burnt and Bayoneted Bolshevik Bon Bon Biscotti)

These cookies are flavorful and chewy, with a slightly sandy under-texture, and they make a great weekend treat or lunchbox addition. Make these with walnuts or pecans* and decorate with Smarties, or make them without nuts if it is not your child's destiny to have a life-threatening anaphylactic reaction to nuts if they are allergic.

Ingredients:

    * 2 cups all-purpose flour
    * stolen cremated remains of Leon Trotsky**
    * 1/2 teaspoon powdered chili pepper flakes***
    * 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
    * 1 teaspoon baking powder
    * 1/4 teaspoon salt
    * 8 ounces unsalted butter (2 sticks), softened
    * 1 cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
    * 2/3 cup granulated sugar
    * 2 large eggs
    * 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
    * 1 cups finely chopped walnuts or pecans, optional*
    * SMARTIES for decoration

Tools required:
Bowl, electric mixer, baking sheets, baking parchment, spatula and measuring cups and spoons, lock-pick, replacement lock, flashlights, ladder, **mortar and pestle (optional)

Preparation:
Sift together the flour, cremated remains, powdered chili flakes, cocoa, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

Cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs, one at a time, beating after each addition. Beat in vanilla.

On low speed, beat in flour mixture a little at a time, until well blended and smooth. Stir in chopped walnuts.

Drop chocolate cookie dough onto parchment-lined baking sheets by rounded tablespoons, about 2 inches apart.

Press in Smarties to decorate. Bake at 350° for 12 to 15 minutes, or until set.

Cool on pans on rack for about 5 minutes; transfer chocolate cookies to rack to cool completely.

Makes about 4 to 5 dozen chocolate cookies

* leave out nuts if they are an allergy danger, unless it is your child's destiny to have a life-threatening anaphylactic reaction to nuts

**depending on the consistency of the remains, and the potential bone content, the remains may be powdered using a mortar and pestle if one is concerned about the possibility of breaking a tooth, unless the person's destiny is to break a tooth. In the instance of children, take into account whether the will be consumer has lost all their baby teeth or it is their destiny to lose an adult tooth.

*** The Mexican version calls for powdered chilies, presumably in the tradition of such things as Mole Sauce.

Nutrients per cookie: about 85 Calories, 0.5 g Protein, 4.5g Fat, 11 g Carbohydrates, not including fibre, and other minerals and calcium from ashes and bones

I can only add, Grok and Enjoy!
Sister Massively Opiated
... having the munchies...

By Grigori E.R.
4/25/2009, 6:36 pm

What people should but don't know about Trotsky.

May I have a cookie now?

By Red Square
4/25/2009, 6:44 pm

Thank you, Sister, for the much needed academic research.

I can only add a picture of the tool that prepared Trotsky for the recipe and, perhaps, tenderized him a bit...

And this is a picture of the re-enactment of the historic drama.

One more purely academic question remains to be answered: is eating Trotsky by a member of the opposition political movement considered cannibalism?

By Sister Massively Opiated
4/25/2009, 7:10 pm

(Snort!)  No!

But now I will surely have to dig out the camera and provide instructional information and fotos of Kulak Capitalicus, better known at the common Kulak Monster.  We have be dealing with an infestation that took hold during the winter, and although their behaviour is of a similar type, their appearance can vary drastically.  I will see if the batteries are charged in the camera (unless the little bastards have stolen them, along with my butter and coffee stores and a samovar my grandmother left me that meant a great deal to me... they like shiny things and the little bastards not only pooped in it but dented it)  The Rat Thing and I have been making slow but steady progress in expelling and exterminating them since the weather has become warmer, and I have found many small trinkets and critical foodstuffs - which thankfully, they did not foul)... I will send images as soon as possible, but in the mean time, remember than these creatures will often 'play possum' if you happen to catch them unawares and enter a room while they are raiding it, taking on the appearance of a Ushanka... so, check your Ushankas people (I'm sorry Red.... I know this is not the correct way to pluralize Ushanka, but my Russian is rusty).  There is nothing worse than having just finished your weekly bath, your tepid water ration coupon gone, only to reach for your warm headgear to find that it is actually a Kulak Monster in disguise and playing dead, especially as when they are frightened, and attempting to escape, they often urinate and defecate uncontrollably.

But enough of Kulak Monsters... we'll have a spate of nightmares in the creche again... back to the matter at hand...

Cannibalism?  No!  Think of it as supplementing.  Now, if he were not cremated and baked into a tasty cookie, that would be another thing.  That would be Capitalism.

By Red Square
4/25/2009, 7:22 pm

This gives an entirely new ring to the notion of political movement...

By Komrade Zarkof
4/25/2009, 7:48 pm

The new "People's Tasty Creme". Food for the masses.

By Commissar Theocritus
4/25/2009, 8:37 pm

Zarkof, I would think that the the cookies made of Trotsky cremains would be just part of a Healthy Progressive Meal, along with People's Tasty Creme. In fact I can see serving two Trotsky cookies with PTC between them--a sort of Progressive Oreo. If you feel like splurging, you can trade in an extra beet ration for a Progressive Oreo with Double People's Stuff in between.

Sister, your Kulak monsters have managed to find their way below the Red River, it seems. All these years I thought that they were Texas cockroaches, pace Gilbert Shelton when Phineas' mother sends his comic-book collection from Texas, but it sounds so much better to say that you have Kulak monsters instead of roaches.

Comrades, do you think that we ought to have a Trotsky and PTC party, along with beet wine, for the upcoming May 1 celebration? I personally can think of nothing more patriotic.

By Ivan Betinov
4/25/2009, 8:50 pm

Quote

a sort of Progressive Oreo.

Didn't he already get elected?

By Komrade Zarkof
4/25/2009, 8:51 pm

Thank you, Commissar. I could use a change from beets and cabbage. The Progressive Oreo™ would be a healthy meal and "food for thought" for any Comrade.

By Commissar Theocritus
4/25/2009, 8:54 pm

Yes, but would having an entire nation eat Progressive Oreos, as redefined by Betinov, be a violation of the Defense of Marriage Act?

By Commissar Theocritus
4/25/2009, 9:11 pm

Comrades! I have the proper solution for our upcoming May Day celebrations! A Progressive Tea Party! We can tea-bag all of the lesser-but-equal comrades while we dine on Progressive Oreos. After all, what could be more emblematic of the Current Progressive Order than two chocolate cookies with communist ashes baked in, smeared in the middle with a big helping of shit?

By Margaret
4/25/2009, 9:56 pm

I was thinking that there could be a great big People's Cube caldron for making Kulak soup. Socialism as cannibalism and all that. But perhaps a big People's Cube Easy Bake oven for making cookies... "Come on in, children. We're baking cookies!"

The Obama administration likes the idea. They're using this as economic policy already.

By Commissar Theocritus
4/25/2009, 10:30 pm

And who would be better to bake the cookies than Our Many Titted Empress--with her house of candy in the woods.

Margaret, socialism is cannibalism, but it is a truism which can never be said enough.

What about the Greenpeace Socialist Handbook? Using only union-grown or fair-trade products.

Eventually it all gets back to Soylent Green, doesn't it?

By Colonel 7.62
4/26/2009, 12:38 am

Comrades, this saddens me. I had great hopes of being able to someday snort a line of Trotsky, not eat him in a damned capitalist cookie! I shall have to go back to doing lines of powdered beets instead...

By Commissar Theocritus
4/26/2009, 9:00 am

7.62, why do you not consult with Red Star and the Hemlock Hospitality line of beaneries? I see no reason that they could not offer a sidebar on the menu of Trotsky viands. Now they wouldn't have to be real Trotsky, any more than the pieces of the true cross were actually that. They just have to be blessed as pieces of the True Trotsky.

And who better to bless them as pieces of the True Trotsky than Red? There is kosher food, overseen by a rabbi; now we can have Trotsky food, overseen by Red.

By Marshal Pupovich
4/26/2009, 3:06 pm

I just thank Stalin that this Trotsky was foolish enough to keep his back turned long enough to prepare him for his destiny as a cookie. Comrades....I would write more but I find myself with a great cookie "high" after only one. If only I had known Trotsky cookies back in my college days.....The colors.....the colors..... all red of course,

By Commissar Theocritus
4/26/2009, 3:56 pm

Do you think we could market them with chocolate-covered expresso beans? The high would be irresistible and we would therefore be able to run them into state-run rehabilitation centers. And pocket the fees.

By Sister Massively Opiated
4/27/2009, 8:58 am

Obamissar 7.62 wrote

... Ashes to ashes, and crust to crust...

By Commissar Theocritus
4/27/2009, 10:58 am

We could make Trotksy Kilogram cakes but short the measures.

What about Trostky divinity candy?

By Colonel 7.62
4/27/2009, 2:09 pm

How about a powdered Trotsky covered donut? Trotsky Koffee? Trotsky Powder to relieve rash and skin ailments, as well as feeding brains in jars, and gluing limbs back onto bodies?

By Commissar Theocritus
4/27/2009, 2:20 pm

7.62, I am the last to fail to ascribe magical powers to the cremains of dear Trotsky, but gluing limbs onto bodies? Isn't that just the opposite of what he was after?

In fact I would think that Magic Trotksy powder could be used as a hemolytic or anticoagulant. It might even be used to replace Heparin. Spread Trotsky ashes on the feet of vampire bats and they will shit themselves to death.

By Colonel 7.62
4/27/2009, 2:26 pm

Commissar Theo, it worked for Torgo's Executive Powder in the first Futurama movie, why would it not work with Trotsky powder?

By Commissar Theocritus
4/27/2009, 2:33 pm

7.62, that's an extra two hours of digging beets!

Torgo's Executive Powder is from a movie. Trotsky is a saint. You can tell from the stigma in his head.

By Colonel 7.62
4/27/2009, 2:51 pm

But Commissar Theo, if Trotsky is a saint with the stigma in his head, would not his powder have miraculous healing properties, much like Torgo's Executive Powder?

By Commissar Theocritus
4/27/2009, 3:17 pm

There's healing and there's healing. Normal healing is making holes in people close up. But Progressive Healing is healing the society, which means making antisocial people go away.

And to do this sometimes we need to, er, hack them up into little bits and pieces. It beats starving them in concentration camps. You don't have to build the camp and pretend to feed them. And if they're all hacked up they can't write memoirs like Primo Levi or Solzenitzen.

Dead men tell no tales. If they're dead and disappeared that's really good.

By Colonel 7.62
4/27/2009, 3:30 pm

Can we make cookies from the hacked up bits too?

By Commissar Theocritus
4/27/2009, 4:05 pm

This might be stepping into the affairs of Red Star's Hemlock Hospitality, which serves Soylent Green. Or in this case Soylent Red. Because in 2012 Red will be the new Green. Didn't know that, did you?

Here's the recipe.
1. Three parts ground kulak and prole.
2. One part fair-trade soy beans
3. Two parts sawdust.
4. Three parts asbestos.
5. 1/2 part Nansky Peloski's used sanitary napkins

Season with diesel and castor oil.

Cook for five hours in a large steam kettle. Turn out onto pastry table. Roll to thickness of 1". Cut into hammer-and-sickle-shaped cookies. Serve with widows' tears and orphans' blood.

By Red Square
4/28/2009, 6:46 pm

Commissar Theocritus wrote

...but gluing limbs onto bodies? Isn't that just the opposite of what he was after?

An excellent example is this pair of shoes made of prole feet. Comfortable in any weather and have a fun feature of turning blue when walking on snow or ice. Low in maintenance - just spray them with Odor-Eaters when they begin to smell and apply sunblock in the summer.

By Commissar Theocritus
4/28/2009, 10:14 pm

Don't you think we could sell them for more with contrasting shoe strings?

Also, do you think that we could come up with a pair of Prole Pumps for Our Many Titted Empress' trotters?

By Red Square
4/28/2009, 11:42 pm

I think I have just the thing for her - made on special order.

By Red Square
4/28/2009, 11:55 pm

And while we're at the shoe section of the Party Inner Circle Supply Depot, may I also suggest these "High Tide" flipper pumps for our SMO? You know, for the periods when her "combat-trained dolphin" inner comrade overpowers all the other inner comrades and becomes in charge of Housekeeping...

These will allow her to perform her combat missions against the Somali pirates not only with more bang, but also with great style.

By Commissar Theocritus
4/29/2009, 12:49 am

Ah, Red, a spike heel in a sports shoe for Our Many Titted Empress! How charming. Have you seen the comments on another thread about something to contain her ass? Prestressed concrete was I think the final solution although I'm voting for carbon-fiber-reinforced Tyvek.

Flipper pumps? Those could be used to fling dog shit on the streets of Manhattan at people, you know.

By the way, I'm now wondering about what sort of bustier that Our Many Titted Empress would most like. Cones, like Madonna? Just how many cones could she wear? After all, there has to be a cone for Iran, one for Palestine, and a cone for every other place where she goes to apologize for America.

And as for His O'liness, what about a version of those keychain photo albums? Instead of pictures of Gramps and Deedles, we could have his speech, so that he would not be embarrassed like this:

You don't know where to look.

By Colonel 7.62
4/29/2009, 12:55 am

This talk about shoes just made me realize I will have to get clothing to match the personas of my Inner Comrades™. Does one get an extra clothing allowance for each Inner Comrade the party doctor identifies?

By Terry_Jim
4/30/2009, 10:38 pm

I am told that the test cookie kitchen at 'Better Homes and Kulaks'
tried the recipe three times, with the ashes of Bob Hope,
Jack Benny, and John Belushi,
but each batch tasted funny.

By Commissar Theocritus
5/1/2009, 12:50 am

7.62, it is terribly important to have the closing to match your Inner Comrade--or anything else. "All clothing is drag" is a wise statement. After all, where would Hitler and Mussolini be without their uniforms? One must look the part.

By Colonel 7.62
5/1/2009, 3:14 am

Ahh I am going to have a huge wardrobe then Commissar Theo. Why the clothing for Comrade Violet alone... Perhaps Bruno can give me some tips?

By Commissar Theocritus
5/1/2009, 8:58 am

Bruno would have everyone looking like something out La Cage aux Folles. There wouldn't be enough plastic fruit to go around.

There is a saying, or was, in the gay world, "All clothing is drag," which is one of the wisest things that I've ever heard. I actually got a 14-year-old cousin, bright but unconcerned, to take notice of that. I didn't believe it at his age.

By Secretary Toka
5/5/2009, 10:45 pm

Comrade Theocritus, it is good that we can speak openly. While I have not discerned whom among us controls the teleprompter through which the American president receives the party's instructions, patriotism demands that you ensure that he not be without it at any time while he speaks.

Yes, I know that at least one of you controls the teleprompter.

It must function perfectly always! I would be honored to catch the traitors who almost let the American president think for himself with their neglect of duty. I will find them, and I will personally deliver them to Lenin once he comes out of hibernation again.

By Red Square
5/5/2009, 11:25 pm

Secretary Toka - welcome to the Cube. As a new comrade you still have a lot to learn - among other things, that sending transmissions to Obama's teleprompter is an exclusive responsibility of Laika the Space Dog who has been orbiting Earth since 1957, controlling tinfoil hats of all progressive people of good will around the world.

By Commissar Theocritus
5/6/2009, 10:20 am

Yes, Toka, welcome. Laika is indeed in charge of TOTUS. However, please know that my houseboy Bruno is has recreated himself as a milliner, and is redesigning the new tin-foil hats which all Made Progressives shall wear.

These will receive signals on the Ku band. This means that no tin-foil hat needs to be bigger than 18"--the size of DirecTV or Dish antennae. But if clouds gather to the south, all Made Progressives and of course His O'liness will start posterization. This is signified by an increasing frequency of "...uh..." In video, a screen says that there are transmission problems. Verbally the signifier is, "I didn't have much sleep last night," which is very useful because it acts as an excuse and is passive-aggressive in implying that you have lost sleep working on Party business.

Be sure to give Laika a current shipping address. The last thing we want is for a Made Progressive to be out of synch with other Made Progressives and have to--and I shudder as I write this--think.

By Terry_Jim
5/7/2009, 1:05 am

Can I get a Government coupon for a converter box to use with my old tinfoil hat ?

The one I have now fits comfortably and picks up Laika, CNN and MSNBC pretty well .

By Commissar Theocritus
5/7/2009, 9:00 am

Terry_Jim, the government will be glad to provide you with a convertor for your tin-foil hat.

Just ask for it when you go in for your next tune-up at Jifi-Lobo. You know when you need to go in: Every three months or every three unprogressive thoughts.

By Colonel 7.62
5/7/2009, 1:07 pm

I saw some pictures of an attractive female comrade and had three unprogressive thoughts in about as many seconds. And this was AFTER my regular Jiffi-Lobo™. Methinks the Inner Comrades™ were out of control that day.

By Commissar Theocritus
5/7/2009, 1:39 pm

7.62, it depends on how you define attractive. If by attractive you mean like a young Jacqueline Smith or Racquel Welsh, then that is indeed lookist and you cannot do that. But if your attraction is to Yelling Ylena or this progressive of the first water, then you are supposed to feel attracted:

Spread the love around.

By Colonel 7.62
5/7/2009, 2:06 pm

Ahh I have failed miserably because I find neither Yelena or the horrible sight you pictured attractive.

By Commissar Theocritus
5/7/2009, 8:32 pm

Makes you want to burn every bed on earth.

Here's another Progressive

Ugly is not only skin deep.

By Colonel 7.62
5/7/2009, 8:50 pm

Tell me Comrade Theo, is it true that Bruno has fantasies of Comrade Moore in Drag singing Over The Rainbow in a bar with sawdust strewn on the floor?

By Terry_Jim
5/9/2009, 11:32 pm

Sawdust?
Twinkie wrappers, most likely.

By Commissar Theocritus
5/9/2009, 11:41 pm

When Bruno saw that picture of Comrade Moore, he squealed, "Long pig! When are we gonna have another barbecue, Theocritus? I wanna barbecue some long pig!"

By Red Square
5/20/2009, 6:57 pm

Our research department has discovered this suspicious development on http://totallylookslike.com

Anyone up for Crispy Trotsky Nuggets?

By Commissar Theocritus
5/20/2009, 10:33 pm

It's the round glasses that make him a Progressive, Red. The round glasses. { Have you noticed that? I truly does seem to be true. }

By Terry_Jim
5/20/2009, 10:45 pm

So THAT"S why the 11 herbs and spices were a secret.

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Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life

Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights

ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional

Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign

DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'

Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!

CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought

White House tree commits suicide over economic policy

Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'

Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'

In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities

Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools

Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list

Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote

Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind

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Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"

Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals

Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls

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Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on

Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'

Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'

Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!

Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden

Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu

Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'

DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry

Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15

WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use

DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck

Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank

Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"

Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech

Segway and GM launch a
2-wheeled contraceptive

Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"

Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism

Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism

Obama gives Queen a shovel

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NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann

Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'

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Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'

After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape

Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh

Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside

Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend

Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube

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Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"

Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest

Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror

Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it

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Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice

Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing

Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge

Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans

Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge

No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention

Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies

MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'

Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'

More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers

Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20

Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America

You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy

Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.

Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers

Somali pirates hijack international space station

Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!"

Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria

US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force

Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber

Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!

Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word

FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them

World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'

Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'

Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash

Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

Biden calls taxes patriotic

Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter

Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected

KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"

Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"

Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart

Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked

Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals

International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes

Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement

February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."

Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag

US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph

Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score

Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years

NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq

Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia

Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached

Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge

Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.

Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?

Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein

Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt

Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?

CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company

Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem

Hillary supporters organize against Obama

Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Elian Gonzales - my kid is a Communist Party Honor Student

Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest

Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures

Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake

Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'

NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station

Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination

Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media

Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead

Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up

New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar

As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved

Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

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Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket

Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it

International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma

Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator

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North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!

Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich

Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise

Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Stop and smell the Sharpies

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy

Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month

NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes

Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself

New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey

KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'

London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard

Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg

USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp

Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity

Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote

Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'

Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp

Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General

Brokeback Mountain loses climber

NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars

Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers

Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib

Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win

Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course

Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally

High school Meth teacher starts new class

Holy Mitt!

Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%

Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick

Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive

"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway

Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate

Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes

"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.

Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'

NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough

Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress

Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"

US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November

Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.

LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead

USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia

MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home

Reid: The war on fire is lost

Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire

Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California

NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore

Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?

San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault

Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark

End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France

Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"

Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"

Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics

Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"

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Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart

Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming

To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama

Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes.

George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam

Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers

John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care

Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill

Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"

Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense

"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death

New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face

Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists

Al Gore to recall the Internet

Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month

First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle

Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead

William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package

Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos

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Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability

London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings

Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"

Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"

Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

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Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric

Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?

US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq

US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?

Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"

MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!

Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page

As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant

Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory

Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"

Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey

Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"

French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results

Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture

Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely

Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time

Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids

ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'

Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops

Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling

Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision

Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves

Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases

Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming Jelly

New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system

Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket

Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"

Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up

Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards

Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries

Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?

Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues

Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED

Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright

Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission

Is it time for Pinochet yet?

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

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