There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model, the more translatable the old Soviet jokes become.
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Not all Soviet advancements have metastasized here yet, but we have four more glorious years to make it happen.
One of my favorite political jokes is this:
The six dialectical contradictions of socialism in the USSR:
There is full employment - yet no one is working.
No one is working - yet the factory quotas are fulfilled.
The factory quotas are fulfilled - yet the stores have nothing to sell.
The stores have nothing to sell - yet people got all the stuff at home.
People got all the stuff at home - yet everyone is complaining.
Everyone is complaining - yet the voting is always unanimous.
It reads like a poem - only instead of the rhythm of syllables and rhyming sounds, it's the rhythm of logic and rhyming meanings. If I could replicate it, I might start a whole new genre of "contradictory six-liners." It would be extremely difficult to keep it real and funny at the same time, but I'll try anyway.
Dialectical contradictions are one of the pillars in Marxist philosophy, which states that contradictions eventually lead to a unity of opposites as the result of a struggle. This gave a convenient "scientific" excuse for the existence of contradictions in a socialist society, where opposites were nice and agreeable - unlike the wild and crazy opposites of capitalism that could never be reconciled. Hence the joke.
Then I moved to America, where wild and crazy opposites of capitalism were supposedly at their worst. Until recently, however, the only contradictions that struck me as irreconcilable were these:
Economic justice:
America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
Hollywood cliches:
Without capitalism there'd be no Hollywood - yet filmmakers hate capitalism.
Filmmakers hate capitalism - yet they sue for unauthorized copying of their movies.
They sue for unauthorized copying - yet on screen they teach us to share.
On screen they teach us to share - yet they keep their millions to themselves.
They keep their millions to themselves - yet they revel in stories of American misery and depravity.
They revel in stories of American misery and depravity - yet they blame the resulting anti-American sentiment on conservatism.
They blame the anti-American sentiment on conservatism - yet conservatism ensures the continuation of a system that makes Hollywood possible.
I never thought I would see socialist contradictions in America, let alone write about them. But somehow all attempts to organize life according to "progressive" principles always result in such contradictions. And in the areas where "progressives" have assumed positions of leadership - education, news media, or the entertainment industry - contradictions become "historically inevitable."
If one were accidentally to open his eyes and compare the "progressive" narrative with facts on the ground, one might start asking questions. Why, for instance, if the war on terror breeds more terrorists, haven't there been attacks on the U.S. soil since 2001? Why, if George W. Bush had removed our freedom of speech, was nobody ever arrested for saying anything? And if Obama has returned us our freedoms, why was a man harassed by police in Oklahoma for having an anti-Obama sign in his car? Why would anyone who supports free speech want to silence talk radio? And why is silencing the opposition called the "Fairness Doctrine"?
After the number of "caring," bleeding-heart politicians in Washington reached a critical mass, it was only a matter of time before the government started ordering banks to help the poor by giving them risky home loans through community organizers. Which resulted in a bigger demand, which resulted in rising prices, which resulted in slimmer chances of repaying the loans, which resulted in more pressure on the banks, which resulted in repackaging of bad loans, which resulted in a collapse of the banks, which resulted in a recession, which resulted in many borrowers losing their jobs, which resulted in no further mortgage payments, which resulted in a financial disaster, which resulted in a worldwide crisis, with billions of poor people overseas - who had never seen a community organizer, nor applied for a bad loan - becoming even poorer than they had been before the "progressives" in the U.S. government decided to help the poor.
As if that were not enough, the same bleeding hearts are now trying to fix this by nationalizing the banks so that they can keep issuing risky loans through community organizers. In other words, to prevent the toast from landing buttered side down, they're planning to butter the toast on both sides and hope that it will hover in mid-air. Which also seems like a sensible alternative energy initiative.
If that doesn't fix the problem, there's always the last resort of a liberal: blame capitalism. It's always a win-win. Today government regulators may be blaming capitalism for the crisis caused by their dilettantish tampering with the economy, but who do you think they will credit after market forces resuscitate the economy?
Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent "revolutionary" changes have turned reality on its head - which is what "revolution" literally means - I'm getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.
As your comrade from the future, I also feel a social obligation to help my less advanced comrades in the American community, and prepare them for the transition to the glorious world of underground literature, half-whispered jokes, and the useful habit of looking over your shoulder. Don't become a nation of cowards - but watch who might be listening.
Let's start with these few.
People's power:
Liberals believe they're advancing people's power - yet they don't believe people can do anything right without their guidance.
People can't do anything right - yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.
The government bureaucracy can do everything - yet liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives.
Liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives - yet they vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government.
They vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government - yet they believe they're advancing people's power.
Bush and the media:
The media said Bush was dumb - yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.
He won over two intelligent Democrats - yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.
The media said his ratings were hopeless - yet the 2004 electoral map was red.
The 2004 electoral map was red - yet the media said his policies failed.
The media said his policies failed - yet the economy grew and the war was won.
The economy grew and the war was won - yet the media said we needed "change."
Public education:
Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years - yet education is out of control.
Education is out of control - yet liberal teaching methods prevail.
Liberal teaching methods prevail - yet public schools are failing.
Public schools are failing - yet their funding keeps growing.
Their funding keeps growing - yet public schools are always underfunded.
Comrade, as a Mother and a Woman (errr, sorry — the damn son of a bitch mixed up the papers!), as a Proud Citizen, I'm happy to agree — the Glorious Party is on track to taking revenge for the temporary failure of the USSR by permanently taking over the USSA!
The next logical step would be for Red Square to run for Senate! Yes, we can!
Brilliant commentary Red Square (and I'm not just sucking up to increase my power over the proletarian masses, well, maybe a little...). I believe your succinct summation of major liberal philosophical conflicts in 6 or less points each, illustrates how modern American leftist ideology is reminiscent of Orwellian Double-Think.
In fact, I think the only way that Mr. Orwell's fictional account could be faulted with predicting the future, lies with his timing... i.e, it took another 25 years to accomplish.
I might humbly offer (whilst prostrating myself at your feet) one corollary to your thoughts on "Love and Marriage":
Leftists believe judges have the right to liberally interpret the Constitution as it is a "living breathing document," thereby envisioning "rights" or powers not so granted, leading to the overturn of the first ban on gay marriage enacted in California.
Because the ban on gay marriage was invalidated on a Constitutional basis, Californians voted to change the state Constitution to leave no room for interpretation.
Because the CA Constitution was changed by the voters, liberals now believe judges should step in to invalidate the Constitution because it differs from the judges' ruling regarding the previous Constitution.
Therefore, once interpreted, no Constitution may be changed (even though it lives and breathes) if doing so prevents a judge from inventing rights or powers not pre-approved by the left.
I did not realize you were originally from Mother Russia. I have personally witnessed the glories of collectivism. I was a 14 year old entering the Soviet Union in 1987 on an engineer's visa (yes, I was the Doogie Howser of Engineering. LOL) My father's West German company had a contract to build a factory in Ordzhonikidse, now Vladikavkaz (again.) The West German workers who were stationed there wanted a reliable mode of transportation, so my dad and a colleague, err comrade drove a VW T3 (Vanagon) from the Cologne area via the DDR, the People's Republic of Poland to the USSR. My brother and I came along for the ride as it was summer. I guess a few copies of "Bunte" magazine or DM's helped us get the engineer's visas. We lived in a normal apartment on Ulitsa Pervomayskaya sorok-chtyri. We had a separate apartment where we would selfishly hord supplies, but would go to the corner market for block shaped bread and cheese and apple juice in 10 gallon jugs (usually there were no lines for these things.) Overall, it was otherworldly (and we did make a bit of a scene with our imperial clothing and other belongings such as a Kamei rooftop carrier.)
"Bunte" also helped the gas station attendant turn on the pumps in the middle of the night, while equally misfortunate drivers who were out of gas had to wait till 8, which theoretically is the same time we got our gas.
Over the years, my dad learned a few collective jokes as well. I liked the "theoretically - practically" jokes, as well as some of the proverbs, such as "saftra" (well, not really a proverb) and "vse u vas mozhno, tol'ko a zdorozhno." There were many more. Aah, good times!
It makes me such overjoyous that finally our Great Leader has the audacity of hope to bring such a beautiful and fulfilling life to our shores. No need for "Red Dawn" or such violent enterprises that go agains "mir" and "druzhba."
Like the proverbial frog in the pot, we're in for it.
I see this genre of dialectical six-liners as an intricate 3D puzzle of an argument - in a way, similar to Rubik's cube, which also has six sides and six possible directions of rotation. The major philosophical point here is that contradictions will only cease to exist when we paint all sides of this cube red - no matter where you turn, it will all be the same. Which is what our struggle for progress is all about.
Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent "revolutionary" changes have turned reality on its head - which is what "revolution" literally means - I'm getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.
Spot on, I'm afraid.
And speaking of Spot. My dog has expressed an interest in the space program. Do I contact NASA?
Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.
The Glorious Obamateur Administration is in full-on Sorcerer's Apprentice mode, dividing the pie into smaller and smaller pieces while extolling the growth in the number of pieces. GENIUS!
Dahlink! My crystal ball says you need to run for office, Red Square! You need to show the masses the idyllic collective on a much grander scale! Why should only I be miserable, when everyone can be? Quite enlightening prose, Comrade Red Square. Now if r comrads woo atented publik skool cud oanlie reed...
Comrade Red Square, all of these contradictions have made me dizzy. I'm afraid my archaic capitalist brain can barely keep up with your words. Where can I find a brain like yours? Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?
And for those with more developed brains than I, this is the kind of material that would be good for the production of paperback pamphlets for the masses.
Red Square, your completely average and mediocre commentary was FANTASTIC. I wish I could write as well, OPPRESSOR!
Seriously, I think I will try one just to keep the idea running:
- Carbon dioxide causes climate change, though "climate change" is an oxymoron
- To keep climate from changing our environment, we need to change our environment to keep it from changing
- Al Gore says changing our environment requires drastic action in order to avoid a doomsday, though he jets around the globe emitting extreme amounts of CO2 (and methane - but don't tell anyone)
- Gore jets around the globe preaching his message, though he could save CO2 by transmitting it on the Internet
- Gore himself invented the Internet, itself a product of the Industrial Revolution and scientific progress
- Now Gore teaches we must use scientific progress to counter the progress that science itself created
Comrade Red Square, all of these contradictions have made me dizzy. I'm afraid my archaic capitalist brain can barely keep up with your words. Where can I find a brain like yours? Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?
And for those with more developed brains than I, this is the kind of material that would be good for the production of paperback pamphlets for the masses.
Comrade Leninka,
it is not your capitalist brain that is at fault. You are the product of years of Komsomol learning in the People's school system, thus your brain is meant for shoveling, not for understanding complex philosophical statements. For this alone it should be resolved in Committee to proclaim Comrade Red "Hero of the People."
This gives me an excellent idea for a new six-liner:
Progressives denounce imperial radicals of being of inferior mental capacity - yet most people (including the class enemies) were educated in the People's school systems.
Most people were educated in the People's school system - yet more and more fail.
More and more fail - so the People's schooling needs to start earlier - or else.
Comrade Red Square, all of these contradictions have made me dizzy.
We call it dizziness with success, comrade Leninka. There is nothing wrong with that. We had it during the collectivization and deportation of the kulaks. After a few million were dead, exiled, ruined, or otherwise re-educated, some people began to worry about the revolution losing its popular appeal. So we calmed them down by saying that someone in the middle management simply became dizzy with success. We randomly shot a few of those and everybody was happy again. You wouldn't mind being shot to help the revolution save face, no? It's for the common good and for the children, mind you. Thatta gurl!
Leninka wrote
Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?
Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!
Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!
But if the research lab's rockin' don't come a-knockin'! Whoo-Hoo!
Comrade Red Square, what a truly more equal explanation of Things To Come. Perhaps we can still be visited by the Ghosts of Socialism, The Ghost of Socialist Glories Past, the Ghost of Socialism Present, and The Ghost of Socialism Yet to Come.
I fear this will not be the case. Barring that, may I borrow the schematics of your glorious time machine, and seek refuge among the distant past?
As a new member of the party, after finally discovering after all these years what a fool I had been to actually think I had to work for a living, instead of being entitled to one. In my former life I once held heretical thoughts also expressed here agaisn't my progressive comrades.
I assure you after the first time I heard Obama speak and my leg started to tingle that these thoughts ceased immediately.
I know this is going to shock some Comrades here but I feel I must post some of false assumptions I once held as a lesson to other Comrades as to what a complete fool I was to have once held them.
Bush Economics vs Obama Economics
- Bush's economic policy was tax cuts, borrow and spend - Obama's economic is tax cuts, borrow and spend, except now on steriods.
- Bush policy was to bail-out the financial sector with a bail-out with little real oversite as to how the money was to be spent and was wasted- Obama's policy is to spend bail-out money on people who have already proven totally adept at wasting their personal finances by getting a sub-prime mortgage in the first place.
- Bush spent money like a drunken sailor - Obama is spending money like the entire 7th fleet.
- Bush was villified for his handling of the economy and his stale tax cuts, borrow and spend philosphy- Obama was praised for his economic vision of tax cuts, borrow and spend philosphy and lauded for 'change' in vision.
Yes, Comrades I once believed those horrid things I wrote above. I know now that since I am entitled to all the freebies the Government owes me, that Bush was nothing but a tightwad who held back my free George Foreman Grill for his greedy self and rich buddies.
Thanks to Obama my grill is now on its way and some other poor slob will pay for it. What I fool I was all those years.
I think families are a good thing. They encourage people to share the same house, and sex is required to set up a family (Sex is liberation. It is wrong not to like sex.). On the other hand, being single is WRONG. Single people are capitalists. Plus, the individual doesn't count. The single is an individual. Therefore=bad.
Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.
Ditto, Comrade. I had to have the Podcast Comrade read it to me because I couldn't get past the picture. Red Square for Congress!
Comrade, your brilliant summation of the Glorious Revolution to come (already well underway) gave me such a tingle I can hardly type this comment. Glorious Leader and his Glorious Wife have shown us The Way. We have only to follow. Another Comrade said to me socialism = Love Your Neighbor. Unless he is a greedy capitalist pig. Then, destroy him/her, take all his money (that he/she earned with or inspite of government "assistance") & redistribute it.
Perhaps we can still be visited by the Ghosts of Socialism, The Ghost of Socialist Glories Past, the Ghost of Socialism Present, and The Ghost of Socialism Yet to Come.
That's a great idea...file that away for the annual non-religious celebration of the Winter Solstice. If the nation is still generating power for public concumption by December, we can work up a good thread around that.
Brilliant as usual comrade Red Square. Your comment about the Rubic's Cube gave me pause.
America the prosperous capitalist nation stood in stark contrast to all the other Euro-socialist countries. And so it was necessary to tear America down to their level, thus painting us the same shade of red as all the other sides of the international cube.
Why didn't they just ask comrade Red Square? I would've told them to just give Lavrov the People's Cube. It has no buttons and needs no tricky translation.
How ironic. These are the people who came to power by accusing their political opponents of being pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Now they came up with a symbolic idea that would make little sense in Russian even if it were correctly translated.
Russian is a powerful and flexible language with versatile descriptive means, but there just isn't a short universal word in Russian that embraces all the technical meanings of the elegant English word "reset." Every meaning comes its own long and bulky word or even a phrase. Anyone with a sense of the Russian language would've told them that their idea just doesn't work and they should opt for something different instead.
This happened because either A or B:
a) The Obama administration is made of people who are pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Apparently they don't even expect others to have nuances and so they don't bother to consult an expert.
b) Consultants chosen by the Obama administration are useless, unqualified boobs who got hired because they are political hacks, or as a result of favoritism, nepotism, affirmative action, etc.
The Obama administration is made of people who are pig-headed and deaf to other cultures and nuances. Apparently they don't even expect others to have nuances and so they don't bother to consult an expert.
I seem to recall a Carter-era State Department mediator dealing with the Israelis and Palistinians urging them to "settle their differences like good Christians." This is the same caliber of cultural misunderstanding.
Actually it's A, I see it in the corporate world all the time. She came up with the idea and her suck-up staff ram-rodded the button oblivious to whether it would make sense. They will continue to try to force their ideas to work even when reality dictates otherwise. She's treating her job as SecSta as a Monarchy within the context of the administration. We saw the same thing when she was President, um first lady. It really shows her inexperience in dealing with people outside of her sphere of influence.
Insightful, entertaining, and dead on the mark! But that graphic of Comrade Square on his time machine had me laughing so f**king hard that I struggled to finish the article, had to start over several times.
The time machine is hilarious
Superkommissar Maksim: thanks again for your image I used on my website.
My favorite joke is this one I overhead in the late 1970's while serving in US Army Signal Intelligence intercepting military radio and telephone communications in Czechoslovakia and between Prague and Moscow. It is being told to a Czechoslovak Colonel by a higher ranking officer, because the Colonel can't shut him up.
Draw a table with four rows and four columns. In the rows write: (1) "No Bed" (2) "No Wife" (3) "No Time" and (4) "No Desire." In the columns write: (A) "Bad Luck" (B) "Tragedy" (C) "Socialism" and (D) "Communism."
Now, if you have the Wife, the Time and the Desire but No Bed -- That's Bad luck.
If you have the Bed, the Time and the Desire, but no Wife -- That's a Tragedy.
If you have the Bed, the Wife and the Desire, but no Time -- That's Socialism.
But, if you have the Bed, the Wife and the Time, but no Desire -- That's True Communism.
it is not your capitalist brain that is at fault. You are theproduct of years of Komsomol learning in the People's school system,thus your brain is meant for shoveling, not for understanding complexphilosophical statements. For this alone it should be resolved inCommittee to proclaim Comrade Red "Hero of the People."
This gives me an excellent idea for a new six-liner:
Progressives denounce imperial radicals of being of inferiormental capacity - yet most people (including the class enemies) wereeducated in the People's school systems.
Most people were educated in the People's school system - yet more and more fail.
More and more fail - so the People's schooling needs to start earlier - or else.
3=6
Red Square wrote
We call it dizziness with success, comrade Leninka. There is nothing wrong with that. We had it during the collectivization and deportation of the kulaks. After a few million were dead, exiled, ruined, or otherwise re-educated, some people began to worry about the revolution losing its popular appeal. So we calmed them down by saying that someone in the middle management simply became dizzy with success. We randomly shot a few of those and everybody was happy again. You wouldn't mind being shot to help the revolution save face, no? It's for the common good and for the children, mind you. Thatta gurl!
Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!
Dear Comrades Genosse Pieck and Red Square,
Your advice and comments are truly in the spirit of the revolution. My brain, of course is inferior, however, I do believe that my blind robotic devotion faith in our system of equality for all (even for shovel-ready comrades like me), and my blind trust dedicated party loyalty at least partially supplants my intellect. As well, if even a little of your superior knowledge rubs off on me, then I will be able to serve and care and share as well as the next comrade.
While I'm chillin' with my homeys here, I was hoping one of you Tovarischi would take a look at this little boo-boo I have on the back of my neck.
Nope, not there....a little more to the right...down a little.....JEEBUS!!, did ya have to poke it so hard? Anyway, what's it look like? Do you think I should get one of our People's Demokratik Republik of Korea doctors to take a look at it?
Yours In Komradely Solidarity,
Dear Leader Kim Jong Illin'
Damn you, A-Rex! What kind of komrade are you? You are violating the Socialist Solidarity Kode of Ethiks by revealing the Boil. Yes, the Boil IS taking over, growing in size and power every day.
- Bush spent money like a drunken sailor - Obama is spending money like the entire 7th fleet.
Comrade Snoogie Woogums,
I cannot express the delight with which this comparison has provided me. I'm sure CNN and the NYT will be employing it liberally to help the masses understand the gravity of the spending.
Damn you, A-Rex! What kind of komrade are you? You are violating the Socialist Solidarity Kode of Ethiks by revealing the Boil. Yes, the Boil IS taking over, growing in size and power every day.
My boil made me do it (as I'm sure your boil made you hurl epithets into my cyber playground).
We can only pray to whatever god(s) supported by the authorites that Obama enables these contradictions to exist. If anyone can bring forth such a miracle, it would indeed be the Obamassiah.
Report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof! Your RE-EDUCATION awaits! Vega will learn the difference between prole and Commissar, as well as that religion enslaves minds and must be replaced by fervent worship of The Party. Comrade Mortgages will re-learn what he didn't hear before. And yes, each of you will be issued a shovel.
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Not to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov
Report to Platform 1 at the Hauptbahnhof! Your RE-EDUCATION awaits! Vega will learn the difference between prole and Commissar, as well as that religion enslaves minds and must be replaced by fervent worship of The Party. Comrade Mortgages will re-learn what he didn't hear before. And yes, each of you will be issued a shovel.
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Not to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov
Comrade Commissar Vodavich, what is with all the "kommissars" of late? Something in the water? An attempt at revolution? Or people seeking to be purged before their time? A most curious phenomenon wouldn't you say?
Oh, and where would you like your weekly bribe shipment of Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka™?
I remember getting denounced many a time when I entered the Collective as a self-made Obamissar. I at least had the foresight to know I was not worthy enough at the time to be a Big Mighty "real" Commissar, and so I usurped my own false authority with an equally false title, glorifying the ordinary just as Community Organizers have been glorified.
These Comrades, however, don't understand or respect for The Party and the tribulations that it's members had to endure. That is OK as everyone sees through them as one sees through the oversized uniform to the little boy who tried on Daddy's outfit. In a case of too many chiefs and not enough indians, these self-made kommissars will find themselves the first up against the wall when the revolution comes. The humility of ordinary Comrades and properly appointed Obamissars will be rewarded when the next Purge comes.
Oh, and behind the hot water pipes, third washroom along, down at the Hauptbahnhof sounds good to me, Comrade. *gleefully rubs hands together in anticipation of Stalin's Blood Beet Vodka*
In a case of too many chiefs and not enough indians...
Ahem. Surely you meant "in a case of too many equally-abled-yet-none-the-less-taking-on-greater-duties-of-management-and-community-organization-facilitators and not enough Native-Americans-of-equal-status-with-the-facilitator-yet-who-have-found-fulfillment-and-self-worth-providing-more-basic-services-to-the-community-in-a-non-management-role-and-who-include-a-proper-diversity-of-gender-and-lifestyle-individuals-acting-collectively-for-the-common-good..."
Comrades...
THere is no contradictions in Socialism. Socialism promises equality for most of the peasants and delivers on that promise. Once socialism takes over a country the money goes bad and the government buys up OR takes over businesses. The military suffers at first because socialist want the military made over in their image.
People lose their weapons because their is no need for weapons in a socialist paradise. You lose the right to a private vote...first; and then you don't get to vote at all. You lose the right to free-speech. Everyone knows that in a worker's paradise, no one would want to complain anyway!
Overnight..your ex-friends are ignored and your ex-enemies are your friends. Your job disappears. If it does not...then, in spite of a union...your pay does. You get to stand in line for everything including medical treatment.
IN other words......everything that obama is doing now.... brings on Socialism. Cheer up, comrades,.....equality is not far behind. Yes...NOW..we all can live in hovels, work for pennies, and be willing fodder for the state........together. Isn't socialism wonderful?
Yesterday, I was observing my daughters, ages 3 and 8, and in true Pioneer Komsomol spirit of the FDJ, they were fighting negotiating over the one shovel we were able to obtain for them. Both wanted to share in the burden of digging for rocks in our the collective's backyard.
I had to trade a packet of Byelomorkanal' cigarettes for the shovel, though.
I did not realize you were originally from Mother Russia. I have personally witnessed the glories of collectivism. I was a 14 year old entering the Soviet Union in 1987 on an engineer's visa (yes, I was the Doogie Howser of Engineering. LOL) My father's West German company had a contract to build a factory in Ordzhonikidse, now Vladikavkaz (again.) times!
Wilkommen, Genosse! My secret boyfriend (because he doesn't know it yet), Valery Gergiev, was raised in Vladikazkaz. Or, apparently, Ordzhonikidse. (Who knew?)
by 1987 though I think he had effectively defected the USSR by performing everywhere else...although they let him keep the Kirov.
I missed Earth Hour 3 days ago! I was at work at 8:00 so no one was home, and all my lights were off! I hope no one saw. They might think I am an Eco-Pacifist or something.
all hail TheOne
EDITED:
I dont get it. The Earth Day propaganda said March 12th. The Obamatube said it is March 28th.
Wish the left could pull their heads out
Edited:
The Official Earth Hour page says:
On March 28 you can VOTE EARTH by switching off your lights for one hour. Or you can vote global warming by leaving your lights on.
The People's Socialist Democratic Minnesota votes WARMING. Soon it will be habitable for more than 4 months a year.
Will brain transplants be available soon under the new and shortly coming Medic - O - Plan?
Please contact Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov (aka Brain in Jar). You may still catch him in the lab where he was taken for gray matter extraction in an experiment involving the artificial insemination of Comradette Lenin'n'Thingies in order to breed the New Man fit to live in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. Hurry, comrade!
And just when exactly am I going to have time to pop out these paragons of progressiveness? I am far too busy with my own progressive endeavors(shopping...getting my nails done...and for Lenin's sake, this hair isn't going to style and color itself!!) to be birthing the New Man. Besides,it sounds like it might hurt.
Get Pinkie to birth your babies....I'm sure she's good, sturdy, breeding stock....and Comrade SexyBrain prefers her anyway
Our Great Leader proclaimed in Detroit, that "the nation who invented the automobile could now not abandon it!" Never mind this was a gaffe, but he of course meant the USSA, not Germany. So let's forgive him (but that would be divine, so forget about it.)
In any case, here is what the Future of the American car industry will look like, courtesy of Top Gear, the Imperialist British Automobile Program. I love some of their comments. They would fit right in here...
Our Great Leader proclaimed in Detroit, that "the nation who invented the automobile could now not abandon it!" Never mind this was a gaffe, but he of course meant the USSA, not Germany. So let's forgive him (but that would be divine, so forget about it.)
In any case, here is what the Future of the American car industry will look like, courtesy of Top Gear, the Imperialist British Automobile Program...
Truly good humor (and very true) I really needed a smile today, and this did the trick.
I could not find the video online where they compare the Lada (Zhiguli, right?) with a Moskvich. The Lada is white, the Moskvich red. James May drove the Moskvich, and Jeremy Clarkson the Lada. James denounced the lada's color as being too "aspiring" AND, it had decadent headlight wipers!!
There was also a short segment on a rear wheel drive subcompact that looked a little like an NSU Prinz from the 60's. And this threewheeled thing with a cowhide body?!?!
The Trabant WAS made of cotton, but hey, at least it pleased Gaia in that it was organic and renewable! (No mention of what happened when it caught fire...)
All this reminds me of a joke:
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who has the best roads.
The German says: "Of kourse, our Autobahnen are ze best! Ve put a bier on ze hood of our Mertsedes, drive from Hamburg to Munich at 120 mph, and when ve get zere, ze glass is still full. That's how smoos our Autobahnen are!"
The American is next: "Our interstate freeways are the best, hands down. I can put a shot glass of whiskey on the hood of my Cadillac, drive from New York to L.A., and by the time I get there, not a drop is gone. That's how smooth our roads are!"
Counters the Russian: "Comrades, while I get the Lada going on our trip from Moskva to Leningrad, my comrades in the back seat start pouring the vodka. Once I get it to 40mph, I put a brick on the gas pedal, turn around, and we drink all the way to Leningrad."
"But how to you stay on the road, drunk and not steering?!" -
One of the most striking contradictions of American socialism - or maybe an epitome of it - is Gerry Pasciucco, head of AIG Financial Products, and a former vice chairman of Morgan Stanley. His stylish Che shirt was likely paid for by the money bamboozled from the greedy American kulaks.
Gerry Pasciucco with his spousal unit Kelly Pasciucco at a June 6, 2008 party in Belle Haven.
It was a Cuban-styled party, so what shirt would fit better than one with Che Guevara, who murdered and tortured Cuban political prisoners, organized its gulag system, and later, as Minister of Industries, run the Cuban economy into the ground, quickly turning Cuba from the richest Latin American country to the poorest one?
And who would have thought that a Che t-shirt would look so dashing with a blue blazer and handkerchief, turning its balding anemic owner into a hot revolutionary stud?
Fairfield County Look wrote
Before sitting down to an authentic Cuban feast, guests were treated to mojitos, other tropical drinks and hand-rolled cigars. Meanwhile, roulette, poker and other games of chance were played in the world-famous Riviera Casino. But the party really heated up once the sun went down, as a 13-piece orchestra played a mix of Latin and party tunes sure to keep the dance floor filled all night. The funds raised will benefit Family Centers’ 30 education and human service programs.
I can almost hear Gerry Pasciucco's voice,
Quote
Honey, have you ironed my Che shirt yet? We're going to this 1940s-era Havana party, and I want to look as dazzling, non-conformist, and anti-establishment as the other night at the Roaring 20s party in my Stalin uniform.
Truly good humor (and very true) I really needed a smile today, and this did the trick.
I denounce you for smiling, comrade! Smiling is for the bourgeoisie! Report to train station at once, boxcar 34.
I did once see a Lada Niva run a red light (doing about 50.) It literally bounced off the other car's hood and went over it.
I DENOUNCE COMRADE COMRADE PIECK FOR CROSSING INTO MY LANE!
Look here, prole. Management of Gulags is my affair. I decide when they go and where they go. By "they" I mean Thought Criminals. You're walkin' a thin line... I don't care if you share the name of a great leader; you are just a prole. Besides, you don't send proles to boxcars at the train station... You send them to Platforms at the Hauptbahnhof. Occasionally one may use the word "gleis" if he is feeling particularly progressive, but it's usually just Platform.
For example:
REPORT TO PLATFORM 6, PIECK!! Bring warm clothes and a shovel. Plenty of permafrost needs moving...
Now GO!
Commissar Obamissar Vodkavich
Commissar of Obamissars, Gulags, and Car Wash Products
Not to be confused with The Criminally Insane Vodkov
I humbly apologize for my thoughtcrime. I will just stick to denouncing and reporting then. But first I will have to check your Stasi file. Hauptbahnhoefe are too decadent, by the way. Gueterbahnhoefe will do just fine for the masses, heck just a Gleis in the middle of nowhere is fine. After all, isn't that where I will be dropped off? I do not want to be poisoned by imperialist architecture.
The gleis in the middle of nowhere is indeed the destination, but only the Hauptbahnhof is large enough the manage the number of proles I have to deal with every day. Don't question my methods. Just bend over and take it, as Comrade Fwank said.
Gerry Pasciucco with his spousal unit Kelly Pasciucco at a June 6, 2008 party in Belle Haven.
It was a Cuban-styled party, so what shirt would fit better than one with Che Guevara, who murdered and tortured Cuban political prisoners, organized its gulag system, and later, as Minister of Industries, run the Cuban economy into the ground, quickly turning Cuba from the richest Latin American country to the poorest one?
GEBARF! Good thing he didn't come dressed in a nazi outfit like that fashion stud, Prince William. Ah the royals...
Comrades we must rejoice for the Future is now running at us or with us.
As can be seen in story from filthy capitalistic (You are on the list) News Service AP (Soon to be PP [Party Press] and no longer tool of running dog capitalist) 'The One' has made his move. He has removed one of the obstacles to his plan and only two more remain. Soon they will fall and the Auto Industry will be Nationalized. There will be Zim's and Moskovitich's on every street corner. (They won't run so they will be parked for looks) We will even throw in the occasional Belarus for the really nostalgic. Rejoice for The Glorious Sun Party will soon be uber alles. Plan now. buy horses and mules and find carpenters to make old Studebaker Wagons. Find Amish and seek advice on buggies and Horse trading. Buy mask for the air you will have to breathe from the methane producing mules and horses. Oxen optional.
Quote
GM CEO Wagoner to step down at White House request
By TOM KRISHER AND KEN THOMAS
ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITERS
DETROIT -- General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner will step down immediately at the request of the White House, administration officials said Sunday. The news comes as President Obama prepares to unveil additional restructuring efforts designed to save the domestic auto industry.
The officials asked not to be identified because details of the restructuring plan have not yet been made public. On Monday, Obama is to announce measures to restructure GM and Chrysler LLC in exchange for additional government loans. The companies have been living on $17.4 billion in government aid and have requested $21.6 billion more.
Wagoner's departure indicates that more management changes may be part of the deal, but it is still unclear who will be put in charge of GM. The automaker recently promoted Fritz Henderson, its former chief financial officer, to become president and chief operating officer. Many in the company thought he would eventually succeed Wagoner.
The Future is here or near or getting here.
http://www.seattlepi.com/business/1310ap_gm_wagoner.html?source=myp
I've got a story from France in the mid '60's. My Dad started a telephone test equipment company that also made telephone security equipment... Hackers back then were into stealing long distance phone calls. Well, my dad was working through an interpreter at a trade show. A French official asked what my Dad was selling and my Dad said "Telephone security equipment". Upon hearing the translation the Frenchman burst out laughing. My Dad was upset and asked the interpreter what was so funny. Through the interpreter the Frenchman said " In France we have perfect telephone security... you can't make a call!".
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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It reads like a poem - only instead of the rhythm of syllables and rhyming sounds, it's the rhythm of logic and rhyming meanings. If I could replicate it, I might start a whole new genre of "contradictory six-liners." It would be extremely difficult to keep it real and funny at the same time, but I'll try anyway.
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
