"God is dead, and we have killed him." So said the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Thus, there is a void that can be exploited in the herd that is the American voting population." With these words opened the first neo-ecumenical council of world pseudo-religions held June 10 - 13, 2008, in Ventnor City, New Jersey. "We are here to proclaim the arrival of an Enlightened Being who will lead us to Justice, Peace, Health and Wholeness. All the evils in the world are the Fault of the Bushitler, and it is time to fix that.

With the refrain that "it is all Bush's fault" echoing through the halls, it was little surprise that the New-Age Faiths offered their unanimous endorsement to Senator Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign.

"Here we have a true Lightworker," explained Alexis Virago, High Harridan of the Church of the Holy Hooter (commonly known as the Boobtists). "He is probably not really human, or at least not totally human; I suspect that his father was a spiritual being residing temporarily in physical form in order to accomplish The Obama's incarnation."
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That The Obama is a Lightworker was adopted into the articles of ideology of each religion by acclamation: "He will lead the people out of the bondage of Capitalism and into the Pure Light of a new consciousness, where all things are held in common, where all sickness will be cured by caring doctors and compassionate public health service nurses. The Wealthy shall give to the poor, until there is no wealth. The artificial borders that separate the peoples of the Earth will be nullified, and the Earth herself will begin to heal. The waters shall recede, the sun shall smile on a green and fertile land."

"We look with favor upon the nomination," pronounced Hans Bedlamite, leader of the Goreman delegation. "We feel that it in fact is more of an anointing than a nomination, that the divine hand of Mother Gaia is at work here. He has promised that He will consult with the Goremans on all ecological policies, and with that we are wonderfully pleased."

"We look forward to a full and final investigation of the Bushitler's war crimes, starting with the inside job that destroyed the World Trade Center. The Truth will finally be revealed and all of our conspiracies will be proved," intoned the leader of the Trutherans, who declined to be identified by any name other than a simple "Mikael." "We have lived under the lies of the 19 percenters for eight long years. We have kept the faith when all others deserted us, called us fools, produced 'evidence' to refute our gospels. Now we will see justice."

"The Church of the Holy Hooter embraces The Obama despite his gender," confirmed Virago. "He may have a phallus, but his wife is a speaker of Truth to Power. We hope that she will join us in our rituals one day, but we are happy enough to have such a strong woman behind the throne. We expect an immediate withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, Afghanistan and all bases in San Francisco. We further prophesy that an immediate reign of Peace will follow this shining accomplishment, that all violence will cease, that the Religion of Peace will heal the rifts in the Middle East that were only created with the illegal American invasion of this peaceful region."

Top representatives of new beliefs met in solemn conclave amid the serene atmosphere at Trump's World Fair Conference Center. "The so-called 'mainstream religions'-with the exception of the American Episcopal Church-have grown stale and failed to move with the times," explained conference organizer Myron Postal, leader of the Fifth-Year-Plan Adventists as he led the way to Section 8 of the Conference Center. "We offer the same features as these failed faiths, but we can back our beliefs up with solid proof. And we don't condemn people for being different, for being sinful. We only condemn people who don't agree with us."

"We are exploiting the humyn proclivity to believe in something," agreed Harridan Virago. "People have a need to embrace things that cannot be proved and to take part in rituals designed to alter the course of the universe. We have successfully ridiculed the beliefs of the 'traditional' religions to the point that we can replace them with our own articles of faith and acts of ritual." She paused to lift her T-shirt at a group of school children as we passed the casino day care center, calling "Boobs not Bombs, kiddies! Boobs for Obama! Tell Mommy to vote Democrat!" then continued. "I'm particularly proud of the little fish with legs with the word 'Darwin' written on it. I thought that one up. It really puts those 'Christian' fascists in their place for trying to force their religion on me with that misogynistic fish symbol of theirs." When asked how a fish is a symbol of misogyny she grasped the hem of her shirt threateningly. "Don't question the articles of my faith, hater!"

In Section 8 the various neo faiths had interesting and educational displays set up to explain the subtle mysteries of their beliefs:

-The Boobtist pavilion was resplendent with no less then seventeen pairs of bared breasts. Their literature (which was a welcome diversion from the acolytes) explained that through the sacrament of exposing a pair of sagging, leathery dugs, the believer could lead the apostate to Truth. At the sight of the Holy Hooter their eyes will be opened and they will see the Truth that Bush is Hitler and anyone that has ever even thought of voting Rethuglikkkan will be condemned to everlasting damnation. To be bra-less is to be sinless.

-The Trutherans had perhaps the largest kiosk in the convention hall. The Gospel According to Saint Michael played on a continuous loop DVD, explaining how the attack on 9/11 was a sinister plot by Bushitler to enslave the entire world. The Revelations of Saint Rosie the Bovine proved that fire cannot melt steel, reinforcing the revealed mystery of the Controlled Demolition Fact. The booth was operated by sisters from the Order of Our Lady of the Incoherent Misconception, although the Abyss of the Ditch, Saint Sheehan was too busy planning her next pilgrimage to Venezuela to attend in person.

-The Percustionals had a noisy display set up, where they drummed for World Peace, Environmental Awareness and Loose Change. "We'll believe just about anything anyone tells us, as long as they are from Holy Wood!" shouted Moonbeam Whalesong. "They have taught us that every single thing that Amerikkka has ever done is wrong and stuff! Have you got any spare money so I can go to Starbucks?!"

-The Maotheodists had a small display in one corner, touting the deification of the chairman. There was a bit of friction evident between them and the Fifth-Year-Plan Adventists. "We have a mausoleum and a glass coffin, and we still have our own country," observed Xian Gri-la, People's Guardian of the Shining Path of Sacred Mysteries. "Who are the real Communists here?"

"Real Communists hate the Bushitler," retorted Postal as he dragged the party bodily away from the Maotheodist display. "When was the last time you did anything to oppose the illegal occupation of Iraq, Afghanistan and New York by the Rethuglicans? Just passing money to the Democrats doesn't count, Hsu know." He gave them a particularly condescending smile "And those really helped out your little false goddess, didn't they?" He hustled the reporter pool out of the convention display hall and down to a conference room.

"What we are seeing here is merely the inevitable progression of history as initiated by the first People's religion, Leninism," he explained over a glass of sacramental wine after we had settled into chairs. "Once the vanguard of the People pioneered the methods it was as inevitable as the success of Socialism that fellow travelers would seek Truth through alternative means." He admitted privately that many of the new denominations were populated by "useful fools" who would of course require theological reeducation once the Great Satan had been cast down. "And besides," he added conspiratorially, "We believe all religion to be an outdated collection of superstitions, except for our progressive Muslim brothers, of course; despite their ridiculous belief in a God they did not manufacture, they do show a healthy contempt for so-called 'Western Civilization.' What we are after here is simply a tool to keep the proles distracted..." He might have said more had we not been joined by the Goremon representative at this point.

High Thermidorian Hans Bedlamite lost no time in chastising the heathen. "Unlike primitive superstitions, our faith is based on solid scientific consensus of every real scientist on the planet. Anybody who disagrees with our holy writ that Human-Driven Global Warming is going to cause earthquakes, floods, abnormally high and low temperatures, male pattern baldness and an increase in bad indy bands is not a real scientist and has been paid off by the Halliburton Company to tell filthy lies. But unlike the Christians, who used to burn people at the stake for heresy (and trust me, that pack of Fascists would be at it again in a heartbeat if we didn't keep them under close supervision, and they wouldn't even buy carbon offsets) we believe in the absolute right of every individual to agree with every word that comes from the mouth of the Goracle without question. The only people we want to silence are those dangerous counter-revo -er, misguided tools of the establishment that demand to 'see the raw data' or who question the 'methodology of the study.' Those who question the revealed wisdom of the Goracle must be stopped from spreading their wicked lies. Oh, and it's all Bush's fault."

With a rosy new dawn lightening the horizon, it seems that a New Age of aroused consciousness and spiritual evolution has arrived with the nomination of The Obama. Soon all dissent shall cease-by law, if necessary-health will abound, waters will run pure and clear, and peace shall descend. All due to the arrival of the Lightworker.