"God is dead, and we have killed him." So said the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Thus, there is a void that can be exploited in the herd that is the American voting population." With these words opened the first neo-ecumenical council of world pseudo-religions held June 10 - 13, 2008, in Ventnor City, New Jersey. "We are here to proclaim the arrival of an Enlightened Being who will lead us to Justice, Peace, Health and Wholeness. All the evils in the world are the Fault of the Bushitler, and it is time to fix that.
With the refrain that "it is all Bush's fault" echoing through the halls, it was little surprise that the New-Age Faiths offered their unanimous endorsement to Senator Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign.
"Here we have a true Lightworker," explained Alexis Virago, High Harridan of the Church of the Holy Hooter (commonly known as the Boobtists). "He is probably not really human, or at least not totally human; I suspect that his father was a spiritual being residing temporarily in physical form in order to accomplish The Obama's incarnation."
~
That The Obama is a Lightworker was adopted into the articles of ideology of each religion by acclamation: "He will lead the people out of the bondage of Capitalism and into the Pure Light of a new consciousness, where all things are held in common, where all sickness will be cured by caring doctors and compassionate public health service nurses. The Wealthy shall give to the poor, until there is no wealth. The artificial borders that separate the peoples of the Earth will be nullified, and the Earth herself will begin to heal. The waters shall recede, the sun shall smile on a green and fertile land."
"We look with favor upon the nomination," pronounced Hans Bedlamite, leader of the Goreman delegation. "We feel that it in fact is more of an anointing than a nomination, that the divine hand of Mother Gaia is at work here. He has promised that He will consult with the Goremans on all ecological policies, and with that we are wonderfully pleased."
"We look forward to a full and final investigation of the Bushitler's war crimes, starting with the inside job that destroyed the World Trade Center. The Truth will finally be revealed and all of our conspiracies will be proved," intoned the leader of the Trutherans, who declined to be identified by any name other than a simple "Mikael." "We have lived under the lies of the 19 percenters for eight long years. We have kept the faith when all others deserted us, called us fools, produced 'evidence' to refute our gospels. Now we will see justice."
"The Church of the Holy Hooter embraces The Obama despite his gender," confirmed Virago. "He may have a phallus, but his wife is a speaker of Truth to Power. We hope that she will join us in our rituals one day, but we are happy enough to have such a strong woman behind the throne. We expect an immediate withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, Afghanistan and all bases in San Francisco. We further prophesy that an immediate reign of Peace will follow this shining accomplishment, that all violence will cease, that the Religion of Peace will heal the rifts in the Middle East that were only created with the illegal American invasion of this peaceful region."
Top representatives of new beliefs met in solemn conclave amid the serene atmosphere at Trump's World Fair Conference Center. "The so-called 'mainstream religions'-with the exception of the American Episcopal Church-have grown stale and failed to move with the times," explained conference organizer Myron Postal, leader of the Fifth-Year-Plan Adventists as he led the way to Section 8 of the Conference Center. "We offer the same features as these failed faiths, but we can back our beliefs up with solid proof. And we don't condemn people for being different, for being sinful. We only condemn people who don't agree with us."
"We are exploiting the humyn proclivity to believe in something," agreed Harridan Virago. "People have a need to embrace things that cannot be proved and to take part in rituals designed to alter the course of the universe. We have successfully ridiculed the beliefs of the 'traditional' religions to the point that we can replace them with our own articles of faith and acts of ritual." She paused to lift her T-shirt at a group of school children as we passed the casino day care center, calling "Boobs not Bombs, kiddies! Boobs for Obama! Tell Mommy to vote Democrat!" then continued. "I'm particularly proud of the little fish with legs with the word 'Darwin' written on it. I thought that one up. It really puts those 'Christian' fascists in their place for trying to force their religion on me with that misogynistic fish symbol of theirs." When asked how a fish is a symbol of misogyny she grasped the hem of her shirt threateningly. "Don't question the articles of my faith, hater!"
In Section 8 the various neo faiths had interesting and educational displays set up to explain the subtle mysteries of their beliefs:
-The Boobtist pavilion was resplendent with no less then seventeen pairs of bared breasts. Their literature (which was a welcome diversion from the acolytes) explained that through the sacrament of exposing a pair of sagging, leathery dugs, the believer could lead the apostate to Truth. At the sight of the Holy Hooter their eyes will be opened and they will see the Truth that Bush is Hitler and anyone that has ever even thought of voting Rethuglikkkan will be condemned to everlasting damnation. To be bra-less is to be sinless.
-The Trutherans had perhaps the largest kiosk in the convention hall. The Gospel According to Saint Michael played on a continuous loop DVD, explaining how the attack on 9/11 was a sinister plot by Bushitler to enslave the entire world. The Revelations of Saint Rosie the Bovine proved that fire cannot melt steel, reinforcing the revealed mystery of the Controlled Demolition Fact. The booth was operated by sisters from the Order of Our Lady of the Incoherent Misconception, although the Abyss of the Ditch, Saint Sheehan was too busy planning her next pilgrimage to Venezuela to attend in person.
-The Percustionals had a noisy display set up, where they drummed for World Peace, Environmental Awareness and Loose Change. "We'll believe just about anything anyone tells us, as long as they are from Holy Wood!" shouted Moonbeam Whalesong. "They have taught us that every single thing that Amerikkka has ever done is wrong and stuff! Have you got any spare money so I can go to Starbucks?!"
-The Maotheodists had a small display in one corner, touting the deification of the chairman. There was a bit of friction evident between them and the Fifth-Year-Plan Adventists. "We have a mausoleum and a glass coffin, and we still have our own country," observed Xian Gri-la, People's Guardian of the Shining Path of Sacred Mysteries. "Who are the real Communists here?"
"Real Communists hate the Bushitler," retorted Postal as he dragged the party bodily away from the Maotheodist display. "When was the last time you did anything to oppose the illegal occupation of Iraq, Afghanistan and New York by the Rethuglicans? Just passing money to the Democrats doesn't count, Hsu know." He gave them a particularly condescending smile "And those really helped out your little false goddess, didn't they?" He hustled the reporter pool out of the convention display hall and down to a conference room.
"What we are seeing here is merely the inevitable progression of history as initiated by the first People's religion, Leninism," he explained over a glass of sacramental wine after we had settled into chairs. "Once the vanguard of the People pioneered the methods it was as inevitable as the success of Socialism that fellow travelers would seek Truth through alternative means." He admitted privately that many of the new denominations were populated by "useful fools" who would of course require theological reeducation once the Great Satan had been cast down. "And besides," he added conspiratorially, "We believe all religion to be an outdated collection of superstitions, except for our progressive Muslim brothers, of course; despite their ridiculous belief in a God they did not manufacture, they do show a healthy contempt for so-called 'Western Civilization.' What we are after here is simply a tool to keep the proles distracted..." He might have said more had we not been joined by the Goremon representative at this point.
High Thermidorian Hans Bedlamite lost no time in chastising the heathen. "Unlike primitive superstitions, our faith is based on solid scientific consensus of every real scientist on the planet. Anybody who disagrees with our holy writ that Human-Driven Global Warming is going to cause earthquakes, floods, abnormally high and low temperatures, male pattern baldness and an increase in bad indy bands is not a real scientist and has been paid off by the Halliburton Company to tell filthy lies. But unlike the Christians, who used to burn people at the stake for heresy (and trust me, that pack of Fascists would be at it again in a heartbeat if we didn't keep them under close supervision, and they wouldn't even buy carbon offsets) we believe in the absolute right of every individual to agree with every word that comes from the mouth of the Goracle without question. The only people we want to silence are those dangerous counter-revo -er, misguided tools of the establishment that demand to 'see the raw data' or who question the 'methodology of the study.' Those who question the revealed wisdom of the Goracle must be stopped from spreading their wicked lies. Oh, and it's all Bush's fault."
With a rosy new dawn lightening the horizon, it seems that a New Age of aroused consciousness and spiritual evolution has arrived with the nomination of The Obama. Soon all dissent shall cease-by law, if necessary-health will abound, waters will run pure and clear, and peace shall descend. All due to the arrival of the Lightworker.

Quote:
Betty, you're not the only one who wonders about that.

F.A.R.C. Agent Ivan

ohmigod! The Obama is about to be sucked up by an alien tractor beam! Hurry comrades, DO SOMETHING!Quote:
I can't wait until the purges start; he has said that he'll direct his Attorney General to look into possible war crime show trials for members of the current administration. The possibilities are limitless!Quote:
That's a woman in the throes of Obamagasm, the fierce urgency of now! Oh, it sends tingles and thrills up my leg!Commissar Pupovich
Remember. not long ago Hillary = anointed one

Premier Betty
I think I see what might be a sniper rifle...Commissarka Pinkie
Commissar Pupovich
Remember. not long ago Hillary = anointed one

Quote:
first time poster.Quote:
all hail my first posting







F.A.R.C. Agent Ivan

Commissarka Pinkie
ADT security system and iron-spiked fence to keep out the unwashed.Commissar Pupovich
Comrades! We must be careful to not go overboard with idolatry! The State is God and there is no God but the State and Obama is His messenger.Lenin 'n Thingies
Btw,may I join your order of nuns?Quote:
MEREDITH VIEIRA: Now to that dress that everyone is talking about. The one that Michelle Obama sported on "The View" this week. It is now flying off store shelves. At just $148 a pop, it is a steal.



Premier Betty
With all the attention this guy is getting, you would think he is the antichrist... actually, that doesn't sound that far-fetched.... |
Quote:
. . and I thought I was looking at birth control pills.Quote:
You disgust me!Premier Betty
What is that stuff you ferment in anyway?Quote:
Premier Betty wrotetraci
I'm here to report that the Baptist Congregation is not so far behind. Our small consensus groups are studying the works of Donald Miller.Tiglath-Pileser
Abyssinian? Whys it always gotta be about the poor Abyssinians?Quote:
The sweat of a whipped Abbysinian civet cat?Zampolit Blokhayev
traci
I'm here to report that the Baptist Congregation is not so far behind. Our small consensus groups are studying the works of Donald Miller.Sister Massively Opiated
Sister decided to test her faith and stopped taking her meds in order to see if Obama really is an opiate.... if so, he would take care of her pain...traci
It is only a matter of time before the Baptists come out of their closets.Quote:
Lance Bass, the former 'N Sync heartthrob, reveals that he is gay in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE....Now, after years of keeping his personal life private, the Mississippi-bred, Southern Baptist-reared Bass, 27, is publicly revealing what he first shared with his friends, then his shocked family.Premier Betty
With all the attention this guy is getting, you would think he is the antichrist... actually, that doesn't sound that far-fetched....


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Obama refutes charges of being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
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U.S. Board of Education institutes "Christian for a Day" program in public schools, considers celebrating Christmas
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"No Labels" movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results
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ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists


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Al Qaeda establishes 'Off with their heads' scholarship fund for British students
Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon 'Sweden's chickens are coming home to roost'
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Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won't remove scarf for jail photo
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Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush
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Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke
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Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission
Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
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Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans
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Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!
Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters
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Democrats launch "Take Our Jobs" campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them
Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts
Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell
In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs
Obama goes to church, worships self
Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties


GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same
Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged'
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops
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Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector
Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas
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New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead
The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint
White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation
Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
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Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns
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Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical
Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China
Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling
On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012
Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama
Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual
Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals
NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'
Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations
In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials
NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers
Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton
Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth
Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)

In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide
Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper
War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011
MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage
Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election
White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne
EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp
Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"
Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill
Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group
Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan
Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land
Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red
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Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician
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