The Party looks kindly at your attempts to correct and improve history by unobtrusively modifying the Google logo on notable calendar dates. For years you have zealously informed the masses about progressive and useful events like Earth Day or Earth Hour, while purposefully ignoring Memorial Day (no logo change on this reactionary American holiday). Most recently, you enlightened the unwashed about the Spanish artist Velázquez on June 6 without mentioning the Allied Invasion of Normandy on D-Day, a celebration of which would indeed be offensive to National Socialists.
~ The time is ripe for us to reinforce your amateurish efforts with our brand of historical revisionism that stands on a firm scientific foundation of the Party doctrine. The next big holiday is Independence Day. Review the following list of Party-recommended events and logos for mandatory inclusion.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
July 4 (Independence Day - use one of the options once a year, depending on what the current truth of the day is. )
Independence for the Philippine Islands from the United States of America. (1946)
Independence of Ethiopia from Britain, France and Italy. (1906)
Independence of People's Princess Diana from her male oppressor Prince Charles. (1996)
The beginning of the National Health Service (NHS) in Britain. (1948)
The Statue of Liberty is given by France to Americans who couldn't do statues themselves because they were only interested in dog-eat-dog exploitation of each other. (1884)
Nothing significant happened, use plain Google logo so as not to offend the families of those who opposed American independence in 1776.
Dec. 25 (Formerly Xmas):
Mikhail Gorbachev formally resigns as President of the Soviet Union in result of a capitalist plot to destroy the cradle of socialist revolution. (1991)
Communist leader Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife Elena are executed in Romania by agents of world imperialism. (1989)
An Iraqi Airways plane with 107 people aboard exploded by Zionist aggressors in Saudi Arabia. (1986)
Zionist Prime Minister Menachem Begin meets Egypt's traitor President Anwar Sadat for separatist talks and betrayal of fellow peace-loving Palestinians. (1977)
In Australia, the town of Darwin is devastated by a cyclone in result of man-made climate change caused by capitalist industrial development. (1974)
Birth in manger reveals looming crisis in housing, transportation, and medical insurance. The rich in spirit get richer; the poor in spirit get poorer. (1 CE)
Nothing significant happened, use plain Google logo so as not to offend the poor in spirit.
Check your inbox regularly for further developments and additions.
Sincerely,
The People's Cube
P.S. We hope you keep your shovels in good repair, comrades! You will need them once we bring about the glorious Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.
Any more holidays you would like to recommend to our Google comrades? Create new holidays perhaps?
===================
A note on the margins:
As I googled "the time is ripe" idiom, the #1 site in the search was thefreedictionary.com, offering this subliminal Party propaganda, which is just as "neutral" as the one on Google.
thefreedictionary.com wrote
if the time is ripe for something, it is a good time to do it or for it to happen. "British socialists were convinced that the time was ripe for fundamental social change." (often + for) "Many employers feel the time is ripe to give workforces a bigger share of the profits they have helped to create." (often + to do something)
As you can see, the Party functionaries have penetrated the deepest reaches of Cyberspace, lighting the fires of class warfare in places the capitalist oppressors would least suspect! And they are #1 in Google too!
Here, let me chip in with another purely "linguistic" example: Many progressives feel the time is ripe to nationalize Google and use it for the Common Good on the ownerless Internet that will be neutral because it will be run by the government!
Comrade,after reading on to the other post all I can say is Oh.My.Supreme Leader who has lived forever and created the Universe,Lives in another Dimension and has the Ability to squash you like a bug. I enjoyed the way you went about your defense and G@$%gling you just now you were #1,In Marx We trust,Out
Bob
Columbus Day (traditionally October 12th) is always good for bashing. I consulted Wikipedia to see what else happened on that date. This was my favorite event:
I seem to recall that Google has used a Thanksgiving themed logo in previous years. To what or whom are we supposed to be thankful? And WHY are we supposed to be thankful?
Obviously, they are wrecking their Progressive bona fides by not acknowledging "Thanksgiving" as a national day of shame and guilt.
Columbus Day (traditionally October 12th) is always good for bashing.
In fact, Christopher Columbus was the first Marxist-Leninist. When he set out, he didn't know where he was going; when he got there, he didn't know where he was; and he did it all on someone else's money...
Hm, I never thought of it that way before. As a schoolgirl, I was taught that Columbus was a great explorer, an entrepreneur, if you will, looking for a better, more prosperous way. But in more recent years, he's been portrayed as a sort of George W. Bush of the Renaissance Era, a man who invaded the New World, single-handedly slaughtered millions of innocent, peace-loving Native Americans, spread biological warfare, and destroyed the environment--the consequences of which still linger today. His illegal, immoral forays into the New World meant nothing but blood for spices--and maybe silks, fronted by the Spanish queen, backed by Big Spice and Big Silk.
But you've presented an interesting new angle, Red Square! As ruler of Spain, was Isabella not "The State"? And could we not make the case that Columbus was working under a government grant, as opposed to corporate sponsors?
Sorry, Pinkie, I wasn't clear. It was an old Soviet joke for which someone no doubt served five years in Siberia, with lots of fresh air and shovel time. I'm sure you envy that comrade, down there in Florida, with the creeping Global Warming and such.
My favorite from the USSR (heard in the early 1980s):
THE SIX DIALECTICAL CONTRADICTIONS OF SOCIALISM
- There is full employment but nobody works.
- Nobody works but the quotas are fulfilled.
- The quotas were fulfilled but the stores are empty.
- The stores are empty but people got stuff at home.
- People got stuff at home but nobody is happy.
- Nobody is happy but the voting is unanimous.
Some people just don't get it. From the comments section in Red Square's linked post:
Quote
I can't wait for the Nazi jokes, Khmer Rouge shaggy dog stories or Rwanda genocide themed knock knock jokes.
You see, making fun of the Soviet Union is just in bad taste and anybody who thinks that anything about the Soviet Union might be subjected to humor is just a bad person.
Quote
these comments are why europe hates us and why we never win eurovision...
Because the most important thing in life is to be popular with the Europeans.
What a great source to solve many yet unsolved crimes, this "joke" link:
Every day as they left the factory for home the workers were checked at the gate for contraband. Every day one worker appeared at the gate pushing a wheelbarrow holding a small stack of dirty straw. The KGB agent checked diligently every time but never found any contraband. Finally one day the KGB agent told the man, "I am retiring, today is my last day and I promise not to tell. I know you are stealing something. What are you stealing?"
I knew most of those jokes back in the Motherland, and I did like the one about the wheelbarrows too, but one of my favorites was about the guy who was arrested for distributing blank leaflets, and when asked why blank, he said that the message was self-evident.
And speaking of the variations of the joke about Stalin and Lenin on the stalled train, I knew it in a much better version, and all of the mentioned ones had lost the punchline. You have to understand that it's a take on a popular song of the revolutionary period, which likened the Bolshevik Russia to a speeding train.
Quote
Our train is charging full steam ahead
We'll stop when we arrive in communism
There is no other route for us
Our hands are set on our rifles
So here's my version of the joke:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's the 1920s, and the revolutionary train comes to a halt because there are no more rails ahead. Lenin steps forward and says, "Comrades! Our revolution is in danger, the masses must organize and collectively sacrifice as much labor as humanly possible, quickly to build the road towards the glorious communist future and set this train in motion again!" And so the train keeps moving.
In the 1930s, the train stops again. Now it's Stalin who steps forward. "Why are we standing, comrades?" "There are no rails ahead, comrade Stalin!" So Stalin orders to shoot the conductor, arrest half of the passengers, and force them to build the road ahead. And so the train keeps moving.
In the 1950s the train stops again, with no rails ahead. Khrushchev steps forward and hustles everybody to take apart the rails from behind the train and put them in the font, move the train forward, then take the rails from the back and put them in the front again, and so on. And so the train keeps moving.
In the 1970s the train stops again and there are no more rails. Leonid Brezhnev considers the situation, then says: "Listen here. Let's put blinds on the windows, send operatives outside to rock the cars rhythmically, and blow the bullhorn as much as you can. Blow the bullhorn, comrades! What we need here is more bullhorn!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Of course the joke was of the Brezhnev era, so the bullhorn line was important. People would say this line alone in many different situations, and the others would know what is meant by it. Now it seems to be the main operational principle of the Democrat Party. Blow the bullhorn, comrades! What we need here is more bullhorn!
Or is it cowbell? Obama: same as Hillary but with more cowbell!
these comments are why europe hates us and why we never win eurovision...
Because the most important thing in life is to be popular with the Europeans.
I recently finished a book by a famous historian which I will comment on later, and it was so interesting in that it put a lie to all we have seen these past few years. In this instance, the fact that one of the chapters he wrote was about 15 years ago, and europe was hating us then, the middle east hated us then, and the reason we were hated in the middle east had little to do with anything the US had done, and one of our bigger problems came from those within the US who take every opportunity to tear the US down.
I thought I had posted this earlier, but apparently wreckers were loose. Clearly, November 11th must be examined to properly celebrate progressivism rather than those who fought for an imperialist warmongering regime. There were many events that happened on this day in alleged history. My personal choices are these:
1750 - The F.H.C. Society, also known as the Flat Hat Club, was formed at Raleigh Tavern, Williamsburg, Virginia. It was the first college fraternity.
1821 - Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist birth (d. 1881)
1887 - Anarchist Haymarket Martyrs August Spies, Albert Parsons, Adolph Fischer and George Engel are executed.
1904 - Alger Hiss, American government official and spy birth (d. 1996)
1933 - Dust Bowl: In South Dakota, a very strong dust storm strips topsoil from desiccated farmlands.
1967 - Vietnam War: In a propaganda ceremony in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, three American prisoners of war are released by the Viet Cong and turned over to "new left" antiwar activist Tom Hayden.
Columbus Day (traditionally October 12th) is always good for bashing. I consulted Wikipedia to see what else happened on that date. This was my favorite event:
1773 - Capitalist Oppessors in America open their first 'insane asylum' to oppress and squash progressive minded peoples yearning for a workers paradise in Virginia.
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
As stated in a previous blog thread. December 7th, 1928, is the birth of Noam Chomsky, not the date the Imperialist American Navy goaded the peaceful Japanese Navy in to a "sneak attack", so called. Everyone knows that Roosevelt knew about the attack. How do you think he had his speech ready so soon?
...sort of George W. Bush of the Renaissance Era, a man who invaded the New World, single-handedly slaughtered millions of innocent, peace-loving Native Americans, spread biological warfare, and destroyed the environment--the consequences of which still linger today. His illegal, immoral forays into the New World meant nothing but blood for spices--and maybe silks, fronted by the Spanish queen, backed by Big Spice and Big Silk.
Don't foreget, Pinkie, it's because they were brown.
I am most disturbed by these pleas for Obama having more cow bell, or Obama having bigger bull horn etc. This could be interpreted as racist stereotyping if you catch my drift.
Just a thought....one I wish had not entered past my tin foil hat.
Any more holidays you would like to recommend to our Google comrades? Create new holidays perhaps?
===================
A note on the margins:
As I googled "the time is ripe" idiom, the #1 site in the search was thefreedictionary.com, offering this subliminal Party propaganda, which is just as "neutral" as the one on Google.
thefreedictionary.com wrote
if the time is ripe for something, it is a good time to do it or for it to happen. "British socialists were convinced that the time was ripe for fundamental social change." (often + for) "Many employers feel the time is ripe to give workforces a bigger share of the profits they have helped to create." (often + to do something)
As you can see, the Party functionaries have penetrated the deepest reaches of Cyberspace, lighting the fires of class warfare in places the capitalist oppressors would least suspect! And they are #1 in Google too!
Here, let me chip in with another purely "linguistic" example: Many progressives feel the time is ripe to nationalize Google and use it for the Common Good on the ownerless Internet that will be neutral because it will be run by the government!
\
Da. That would be + to brainwash, take over, seize control, provide assistance in re-education.
Power to the Troddendown and Google the Magnificent.
A man dies and it is judgement day. "I am afraid you have not made it to heaven. But you can, as a special favour, have a choice of hells".
"What do you mean, a choice of hells?" "You can go to the capitalist hell or the communist hell".
"Ok, fair enough, but what's the difference between them?" "Well, the capitalist hell has fire and brimstone and torture." "And the communist hell?" "That has brimstone and torture and fire".
"I don't understand. They sound exactly the same. Which should I pick?"
"If I were you I'd choose the communist hell."
"Why should I do that?"
"Well, you know what these socialist places are like. Sometimes there's no fire, sometimes there's no brimstone, sometimes there's no torture........."
Why don't they celebrate their own birthday, the day Google was originally conceived, the day Google was first used, and every day that it is used more than 5 times!
I think Dogpile.com is the way to go Not only is the name redolent of the most aromatic returns of web searches, it usually works fairly well. And every good former kulak who manages to survive all-expenses-paid tours to Gulagia knows how handy manure (real or virtual dogpile) can be.
Were Google to change all its letters to red exclusively, I might be more willing to believe its revolutionary claims than assume it to be milking our bleeding hearts.
I denounce Dogpile as a derogatory, anti-canine site with it's unfair and slanderous connection between the noble canine and a natural, Gaia refreshing function.
May I suggest to the Party we make November 5th (The glorious day of the overthrow of greedy capitalist in the former Russia, the Oktober Revolution for the unwashed) the new gift giving day. It would be like that "Ex-mas" day I heard of. I heard it from Our Savior Barack Obama on the Telescreen. He was talking of some day where people gave gifts to other comrades for no reason otherwise.
My point is, this would highlight the true nature of our glorious Communism. We give, because we all agree to it, due to Party regulations of course.
What is this "give" concept you are suggesting comrade? I can only hope you mean give to the Party?
The "Party Regulations" part honorable chairman, we give to The Party and they give back to the people, this is what I heard The Party would do, but if they see fit to have different plans for the "gift", they will use the gift in an honorable way for the betterment of The Party for glorousness of the people. Please send not the ThoughtPolice to my house honorable chairman.
Another brilliant, enlightened comment! Such wit and wisdom wrapped up into one single word! If only my arguments could be so thought-provoking and vivid!!
Guest's zinger calls to attention to the need for "Ready-to-Post Comments for Trolls" (or something like that).
Think about it. These people are incapable of expressing an original thought; you know what fiends they are about copying and pasting stuff out of their collective echo chamber. Guest didn't have time to dip into the leftosphere archives for an appropriate rebuttal; he was obviously on his lunch break. (Since the welfare office shuts down for lunch, what the hell else should he do until his number is called?)
If only he had ready access to a comment written by someone else, just waiting for him to copy and paste it here, he wouldn't come off looking more (or would it be less?) than the very thing he was ultimately compelled to post.
Therefore, I propose we start something, perhaps in the People's Tools, where we could post an assortment of sample comments for drive-by trolls to conveniently copy and paste into whatever thread outrages them. Because you only have so much time before your number is called.
Take as an example the troll(s) posting in this popular thread:
It's either one Muslim troll posting what's basically the same old comment over and over again ("u people shouldn't make fun of Islam, if u only read the Quran and i mean a real copy u would see Islam is very peaceful and all love and Muslims never kill anyone yada yada"), or a bunch of Muslim trolls all copying and pasting that same old comment from one source.
And it all comes back to the old, "If you repeat it often enough . . ."
Either way, the Muslims have established a highly efficient system for trolling. I'm merely suggesting we steal it for Party use on the Cube. Obviously ours will not be so efficient, but you get the idea.
Guest's zinger calls to attention to the need for "Ready-to-Post Comments for Trolls" (or something like that).
Now that's a great idea! Something like:
There's no need to try and think. Troll, to counter the hatred and bigotry you've found here just cut and paste one of these ready-made thought provoking arguments (we even spelled them properly for you):
1.) You're stupid.
2.) You're stupid!
3.) You're a big stupid-head!
4.) Stupid.
5.) I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
6.) I hope you die, you hate-filled stupid nazi pig!!!
These timeless irrefutable truths will win many an argument for you!
Comrade Margaret, You forgot the most important ones:
1.) I hate George Bush!
2.) George Bush is a Nazi!
3.) Capitalist Oppressor!
4.) I married a tree today.
You know thinking on this there are in fact so many combinations as well (Stupid George Bush is a Nazi!) (I married a tree today and you're a stupid Capitalist Oppressor)
Maybe we could modify the Group Name Picker Progressive Truth Generator....
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
It's just that typing out "digitally lobotomized, Faux News addicted, knuckle-dragging, Bush-worshiping 19 percenter" got pretty old after about the third time I typed it. So imagine how repetitiously painful it must be for our little troll friends! Unless they have some PCP (Pick, Click, and Paste) program such as I propose, they're getting a very particular type of carpal tunnel syndrome, and I would not be surprised if the Mime, for one, was getting disability checks from the government for it.
That, and we need a standard answer for critics of the Obamessiah (the following is only a rough draft):
Racist! Ignoramus! Uninformed! Your petty smears and attacks only distract The People from The Real Issues! You obviously don't know anything about Obama or the great plans he has for America! If you did, you wouldn't keep harping on (pick any one or all of the following): Reverend Wright, the Rezko affair, Father Pfleger, Reverend Wright, Obama's middle name, his birth certificate, Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers, the so-called "whitey video", Reverend Wright, those vicious rumors that Obama's really a Muslim (not that there's anything wrong with that), Reverend Wright. Why don't you educate yourself on the important things that matter about Obama? Things that show he's just like you and me, things that transcend the politics-as-usual mindset in Washington? Things like the fist bump, and how he's inspired the latest men's fashions in Milan! He's going to be our next President whether you like it or not, so get over it! GObama 08!
In fact, a standard set of copy-and-paste blocks of text to argue on 'real issues' can be posted in the People's Tools.
Of course, 'the real issues' are the ones that arise from the progressive mindset (or a Marxist frame of reference). They arise slowly and steadily like miasma vapors from a bog. In order to deal with them, a 19 percenter must step inside the progressive frame of reference and get bogged down. (Or is it blogged down?)
We must never forget that any issues arising from outside the progressive mind are not 'the real issues' and shouldn't be even paid attention to.
And why does a bullhorn have to mean anything Comrade Ice Girl? Meaning is such an imperialist notion. In the Progressive World of Next... er Last Tuesday, all meaning is relative if it exists at all. The Party decides what meaning means, and it will always mean the same thing, unless of course we decide to change the meaning.I hope that clears everything up?
I noticed that on this day, Google's logo isn't decorated for Cinco de Mayo. I can only assume that in solidarity with Obama, they chose to celebrate yesterday by decorating their logo for Cinco de Cuatro.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
