Reinforcing his image of an exceptional orator and a formidable debater, Barack Obama used the controversy surrounding his pastor's provocative sermons to deliver a major speech aimed at uniting Americans regardless of racial, religious, or sexual identity, and bringing them all together for the common cause of fighting capitalism, private property, individualism, self-sufficiency, and other harmful prejudices that stand in the way of change and hope for a better and monolithic America. "I can no more disown Reverend Wright than I can disown class struggle and redistribution of wealth," said charismatic Obama who is believed to stand above the racial divide. His speech was often interrupted by a thunderous applause from the audience of political activists and news reporters, so united in their eagerness that it was impossible to tell one from the other.

"Everything I know about Christianity I learned from him. He told me how the world started: in the beginning was class struggle. Then the Whites conspired to oppress the Blacks. He taught me a lot of other things about the Bible. Thanks to him I became a typical Christian and a typical Wright person.

"He led me to the Word of God with an inspiring story of a homeless African-American urban activist named Jesus Christ, who advocated for higher taxes, reparations, and government redistribution of earthly belongings. Like many inner-city Blacks, he was born in the slums to a teenage mother and had never seen his real father. Despite being oppressed and discriminated against, Christ was helping the poor by demanding government handouts. But the White-supremacist government only gave them crack cocaine and infected them with the AIDS virus, which had been invented specifically for that purpose. As Christ was tending to the AIDS victims he himself became infected through needle sharing. Then he tried to find his father, but was constantly subjected to racial profiling, and then was arrested, tortured, and crucified.

"Now, having attended some of the best White schools in America I haven't seen such racism personally - but I know this to be a typical fate of many young Black males in this country because Reverend Wright says so. It truly is the greatest story ever told, and any church that has a different take on it, is divisive and racist. This is where my plan for change comes in. We will only heal as a nation when all our churches begin to teach Jeremiah Wright's version, which is the only true Bible.

The following churches have endorsed Barack Obama's candidacy: The International Church of Karl Marx and Martyrs of the Revolution The Workers' United Church of International Solidarity The People's Church of Divine Impeachment The Church of Blessed Conspiracy of the Towers The National-Socialist Church of Exalted Black Panthers The Run of the Mill Church of Typical White People

"I have been attending his sermons for the last 20 years along with my wife and my two daughters whom I love dearly, and every time we learn something new - about the Tower of Babel and the controlled demolition theory, the bilingual writing on the wall, Jonah who saved the whale, Noah who built an ark to survive Global Warming, or a government program that fed the multitudes with five whole grain loaves and two non-endangered fishes. Who knew Christianity could be so up-to-date and instructive?

"Take the story about the typical Jewish person named Moses and his crusading band of Zionist aggressors who ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the 'Red Sea Massacre.' I know that Israel is our close ally and all that, but every friendship has its limits - and my patience with the Jews is running thin. One more strike against the Palestinians and I'm going to disown them.

"I may disagree with some of Rev. Wright's extreme statements, but you can no more judge this great man by a few soundbites than you can say that the milk is rancid after only a few sips. Obviously you have to drink the entire carton before you can make a judgment whether it's rancid or not. That's why I urge you to listen to the entire DVD of Jeremiah Wright's sermons before passing judgment about his underlying philosophy.

"Would you throw away old egg salad just because its foul smell may disturb someone? I wouldn't," Obama concluded to continuous cheers and ovations from his supporters. "I would simply change the expiration date on the packaging with a marker and feed it to my two adorable daughters whom I love dearly. Whether they like it or not, we can always discuss it later - in a friendly and thoughtful conversation at home or on the way to the community hospital, whatever the case may be."

After the speech the inspired audience was treated to a pile of rancid egg salad sandwiches and cartons of curdled milk with expiration dates ranging from 1964 to 1968, which they eagerly consumed without questioning their taste or smell, because who are they to judge the content of anything before they have consumed it in its entirety?