A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
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Science in Unquestionable
The continents rest on massive tectonic plates. Until the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 18th century, these plates were fixed in place and immobile. However, drilling for oil and mining for minerals has cut these plates loose from their primordial moorings and left them to drift aimlessly. "The potential for damage is truly catastrophic," said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental Drift (IPCD). "The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos by next Tuesday." The representative seemed close to tears during his announcement, a clear indicator of the severity of the threat.
Villages in Peril
The IPCD bureaucracy has gone even further, proposing immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates and Europe be paid to the governments of non-industrial nations. "These non-industrial nations will be hardest hit by the looming catastrophe. No right-thinking scientist can question that," pronounced Brinker after composing himself. "On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages." These villages, it must be pointed out, are the primary raisers of children. Only massive infusions of industrial-nation cash can avert these effects.
China and India will be exempted from these indemnities; as non-European nations they have automatic victim-status and thus cannot be held accountable for ACD, despite their industrial economies. South Korea and Japan, as nominal allies of the United States, however, will be subjected to the same penalties as their allies. If the measure is passed by the United Nations, all penalty monies will be paid into the IPCD General Fund, which will cover the continuing study of ACD and disburse funds to deserving member states.
Polar Bears in Peril
"Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North America plows toward Asia," explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. "What's more, millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them." Data is 'Air France' Tight and Undeniable
This widening of the Atlantic is taking place at an astounding rate, according to indisputable IPCD scientific data. Today it costs almost a third again as much to fly an Air France jet from New York to Paris than it did in 1997, a clear indicator that the ocean has indeed increased in size in the past decade. Surface shipping rates have likewise increased dramatically.
"This is a clear and reliable indicator of the speed of ACD," said Passapotapissalong, "much more so than the global positioning satellite data often cited by 'Continental Drift Deniers.' The GPS system was, after all, originally created by the US military to enhance their empire-building program, and we all know who controls the US military." He paused at this point and pulled his ears out to each side, a clear reference to the ape-like countenance of the American president.
"Although these so-called 'scientists' claim that there is no GPS data to support the rapid widening of the Atlantic Ocean, they are all employees of American corporations or have been paid to falsify their data by the American government. Air France fuel costs are a much more reliable indicator of distance flown." He added that he and his right-thinking colleagues had "nothing to gain" by presenting their findings, pointing out that their stipends, expenses and salaries were drawn from the IPCD General Fund, not corporate or government grants.
Representatives from all continents will converge on the last geologically stable point on earth, the Island of Oahu, later this month for the "First International Conference on Anthropogenic Continental Drift." Organizers stress that the location, despite being part of the United States, was chosen solely due to its geological stability and that the venue has nothing to do with climate, accommodations, or the availability of private jet hanger space.
"We are here to decide the fate of the planet," said Brinker. "After a tough day of negotiations, it is essential that delegates have a stable beach to stroll, a cocktail lounge that isn't bouncing around due to continental whiplash, and ladies of negotiable affection whose balance has not been affected by sudden surges of continental acceleration. Without these, we might make some crazy decisions."
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UPDATE:
Enormous popularity of this story on the Internet prompted us to create a special graphic for sale. Now available on T-shirts, mugs, and posters.
Comrade Pupovich! Get your ass on a plane to Hawaii and make sure these prostitutes are disease free. We must be certain that these important scientists are not distracted by a burning sensation in their penises! The future of Earth is at stake!
We must create a petition addressing Bush to stop the Anthropogenic Continental Drift, post links to it on various liberal forums, and see how many useful idiots would sign it.
We have the text already (must be revised for the petition text). Any volunteers to do it on http://petitiononline.com as we once did it with Free Brian Hathaway? That one got 149 Total Signatures!
Setting it up is really easy. I just don't have time for it right now.
Wait, so there was never any tectonic plate movement before the industrial revolution? Interesting....
You are kidding comrade. Those things don't just happen by themselves. If we all* become poor, tectonic plate movement will stop immediately. Socialism is the only way to preserve the earth and humanity!
*"All" only applies to North America and Europe as usual.
Absolutely. I see the connections now. Long ago, Evil Big Oil Corporations conspired to set the continents adrift, destroying Pangaea, and fracturing societies so we could not create the supreme Soviet Utopia* (Note: "Utopian" results will vary by how "equal" one is)!!!
It was Big Oil and evil Western Capitalist Industrialists who slaughtered the Dinosaurs for our "fossil fuels"* (Note, even Russian scientists believe "fossil fuels" are created from deep inside the Earth and not by dead dinos/plants, but hey, the "fossil fuel" idea sells)!!!
It is these evil capitalists who conspired eons ago, or maybe time traveled, to kill all life on Earth and use the dead biomass to create wealth for themselves now.
No need to worry that this is convoluted and completely impossible comrades. For if the Party declares it "truth" then our sheeple will follow it in the Church of Gore!
Absolutely. I see the connections now. Long ago, Evil Big Oil Corporations conspired to set the continents adrift, destroying Pangaea, and fracturing societies so we could not create the supreme Soviet Utopia*
Comrade! Be careful not to stray too far from The Truth™. Continents did not drift at all until the advent of modern western capitalism and imperialism. However, we do not deny the existence of Pangaea any more than we deny that there were ice ages even though we do not accept natural climate fluctuations.
Betinov, you pickle-headed genius, you! This is brilliant!
I was way too young for the Global Cooling Crisis; missed the boat Gulfstream on the Global Warming Crisis (I wanted to see An Incovenient Truth, but my date insisted on seeing Curious George so he could get a free yellow hat with his bucket of popcorn); but by Lenin's beard! I mean to get in on the ground floor with this Crisis!
(I wanted to see An Incovenient Truth, but my date insisted on seeing Curious George so he could get a free yellow hat with his bucket of popcorn)
I hope you kicked this yellow-hatted reactionary to the curb in short order, and with a full set of shovel-shaped dents in his precious yellow hat! Imagine wanting to sit through a cartoon that glorifies the specist exploitation of a simian fellow traveller (and, I might point out, a simian from one of the continents most drastically affected by ACD) when one could sit in awe of the raw power of consensus science shining from the face of the Goreacle. Obviously, the troglodyte had no idea of how to establish solidarity with a properly progressive womyn.
You have had many heartaches and disappointments in the realm of Communist Cuddling, I know. Look for a man in a red hat; that's my advice. Here's to hoping that things change for you. Hope and Change. <sniff>...Such a beautiful slogan...
We must create a petition addressing Bush to stop the Anthropogenic Continental Drift, post links to it on various liberal forums, and see how many useful idiots would sign it.
If you think ACD is bad, I just went to the PetitionOnline website and found out that forest fires are going to destroy all of the planet's forests and then we won't have any more oxygen and then we'll all die and we have to petition our governments to do something!, do something!, do something!, before it's too late and we all turn blue and flop around like fish out of water and croak! The petition has generated thousands of signatures.
This isn't a joke. I wonder how many other petitions like this there are at the site.
I think Pinkie may have already met these three candidates. The one on the left has an obvious shovel print in his hat (and possibly the skull beneath), the one in the center is hiding behind a tree, and I think the photo of the one on the right was taken a split second before the first shovel swing. Either that, or he's lip-synching to "Chocolate Rain" and needs to be hit with a shovel.
Oh no, not Bachelor Number 3! Check him out: The hat, the glasses, the anguished expression of a panic-stricken man writhing in front of a urinal with something caught in his zipper. Now who does that look like to you, and why does Red Square keep trying to fix me up with him?
Notice I included the Evil Rovian Time Machine in my theories to cover such an eventuality.
Pinkie,
Just no more yellow hat guys okay. But if any upset you, we can always have them..... purged. (Tank is preparing for the day he is blessed with a daughter and has to wait for her to come home from a date and could use the practice while his eyesight is still good)
Oh Dear Hillary! The skools have been lying to me! What is the world coming to when you can't get decent indoctrination in the average publik skool?
What?! No indoctrination?! You want indoctrination, we've got indoctrination! Check out World History For Us All. Learn all about the fabled continent of Afroeurasia. But don't stop there. Oh, no, not when you can discover how so many ancient and medieval civilizations across the length and breadth of Afroeurasia contributed to the world (and affected the environment) as we know it now. Read it and weep . . . for joy as the "dead white male" is reduced in importance. We hated him anyway.
I noticed a discussion about this thread going on a Canadian outdoorsmen forum. It starts as follows: "Did you miss out on Global Warming? Here's a new global disaster you can get in on the ground floor. Continental Drift is caused by man and we need people to help stop it! Act now!"
Here are some comments of note:
TheClash have often wondered if we got everyone on the continent to run and jump in one direction really hard...like when you are trying to move a big piece of carpet....i wonder if we could move the plate
Bushrat Actually the earth is pregnant. Continental drift is a politically correct scientific term for stretch marks. When gestation is finished the earth is in imminent danger of massive and chronic water loss, the earth will assume a saggy disproportionate appearance and be forever changed. This has been going on for years as NASA has really been going to the moon to get material to artificially inseminate the earth since the 60's. Those were not moon rocks they were collecting.
Grizzly Adams While we're at it, let's not forget the polarity reverse that the earth appears to undergo periodically. That could really throw a wrench into things.
thumper I don't know about the continental drifting thing, but I've noticed that over the past week - that the days are getting longer. I think that GLOBAL LIGHTENING is what's really threatening us.....
Oh Dear Hillary! The skools have been lying to me! What is the world coming to when you can't get decent indoctrination in the average public skool?
What?! No indoctrination?! You want indoctrination, we've got indoctrination! Check out World History For Us All. Learn all about the fabled continent of Afroeurasia. But don't stop there. Oh, no, not when you can discover how so many ancient and medieval civilizations across the length and breadth of Afroeurasia contributed to the world (and affected the environment) as we know it now. Read it and weep . . . for joy as the "dead white male" is reduced in importance. We hated him anyway.
Who is the genius behind this interconnected history of the World? I was aware of the imminent threat posed by Big Oil and Big Tobacco, but my eyes have been opened wide to the threat of Big Geography which we must destroy forthwith! The land masses must unite under one mantle!
Who is the genius behind this interconnected history of the World?
Comrade! Everything at the Cube is the product of our collective effort! (But if it gets me a little fresh vodka in the old brain jar, I of course take all credit for the original idea and all the bits that other people did but didn't specifically sign their names to.)
I of course take all credit for the original idea and all the bits that other people did but didn't specifically sign their names to.
Speaking of signing one's name, is there a petition up yet?
And will you be organizing a concert to raise awareness about this new Crisis? Say, the Concert for Continents in Crisis and Peril, or CCCP? Maybe (if they're still around) we could sign up The Drifters.
I don't know about you comrades but I'm already buying up continental drift offsets.
I have an idea! Let's force the evil kkkapitalists to buy continental drift offsets. We then use their ill gotten money for the disadvantaged in the third world so they don't have to work to feed themselves. I'm sure we can recruit our comrades in European socialist parties and third world leaders to arrange a convention somewhere to put pressure on the evil U$A and Bu$h. Any ideas regarding location for the convention? What about somewhere they have the ability to organize it but not in the hated We$t though. Hmmmm maybe Japan? Yes Japan sounds good. Some quiet Japanese city with plenty of prostitutes. Hmmm what about Kyoto?
Speaking of signing one's name, is there a petition up yet?
And will you be organizing a concert to raise awareness about this new Crisis? Say, the Concert for Continents in Crisis and Peril, or CCCP? Maybe (if they're still around) we could sign up The Drifters.
I don't know about you comrades but I'm already buying up continental drift offsets.
I have an idea! Let's force the evil kkkapitalists to buy continental drift offsets. We then use their ill gotten money for the disadvantaged in the third world so they don't have to work to feed themselves. I'm sure we can recruit our comrades in European socialist parties and third world leaders to arrange a convention somewhere to put pressure on the evil U$A and Bu$h. Any ideas regarding location for the convention? What about somewhere they have the ability to organize it but not in the hated We$t though. Hmmmm maybe Japan? Yes Japan sounds good. Some quiet Japanese city with plenty of prostitutes. Hmmm what about Kyoto?
I was thinking Abu Dhabi. I hear it's lovely there. As for prostitutes I give Kofi Anan a call and ask him which city has the best ladies of ill repute.
The scientific consensus has concluded that if ACD is allowed to continue, the earth may become unlivable for humans within the next 3-4 million years. But good news! If we sign the Oahu Treaty, it will only cost developed nations around 90 trillion dollars but we can delay the affects of ACD by 10 years!! But Bu$h and those KKKapitalists in Amerikkka refuse to sign it! I demand UN sanctions.
Dammit, Mercury can get its own powder...we're talking the fate of the Earth here! You remember the title of the first sacred text, don't you? Earth in the Balance? Well, ACD is tipping that balance rightnow! Mercury doesn't HAVE continents, don't you see that? We can't be worrying about Mercury's problems when we have so many problems right here at home.
Unless we ALL* give up our ecologically sinful lifestyles right now, we are all doomed. We'll be ground into paste by the colliding continents, and then that paste will be fried into a crispy residue by global warming. And then the whole world would smell like a hamburger grill. Do you know how many PETA members that would make feel sad (if they too hadn't been ground up and quick fried)?
*"All," of course, refers only to middle class populations in European-derived, industrial economies and does not include any inhabitant or descendant of an inhabitant of the region sometimes refered to as the "Third World," protected classes, government officials or their families, friends, or major contributors, public figures who have contributed money or face time to DNC programs, registered Democratic Party voters, and their house pets.
I meant the chemical, not the planet, but you do make a strong argument that has undeniable party logic, so I cannot disagree without being sent to the re-education camps, so I'll congratulate you and hide in a dark corner.
I meant the chemical, not the planet, but you do make a strong argument that has undeniable party logic, so I cannot disagree without being sent to the re-education camps, so I'll congratulate you and hide in a dark corner.
And thus we see the strength of the People's logic and power of debate. It doesn't matter what someone else says or means when they say it. What matters is what YOU say they said or meant, and then you can proceed to blather ad nauseum on whatever obscure point of utter nonsense you are trying to prove.
And thus we see the strength of the People's logic and power of debate. It doesn't matter what someone else says or means when they say it. What matters is what YOU say they said or meant, and then you can proceed to blather ad nauseum on whatever obscure point of utter nonsense you are trying to prove.
...Anyone hearing the term Global Warming understands it's affecting the whole planet and it's probably bad. You imagine heat waves, forest fires and ecological systems in distress. It fills you with dread in the gut and you want to stop it.
However the scientists think Global Warming isn't accurate enough because some places on the Earth might actually cool down even as the planet overall warms up...
And a more in-depth peek into her/his/its position about "climate disruption":
Too bad the real Cossacks don't know about these geeks using their name and selling merchandise. It's worse than Borat calling himself a Kazakh - these guys aren't joking!
I see a good cause for a lawsuit for the wrongful use, abuse, impersonation, and defamation.
How about we write a mock “cease and desist” letter on behalf of the Russian Cossacks? The Ukrainian Cossacks had been disbanded by Katherine the Great around 1775. The Russian Cossacks had been largely massacred by the Communists, but they are now reviving their traditions and culture.
Let's say we post a "news story" about a fictional law firm representing an Association of Cossack Regiments from the Volga, Don, Kuban, Tie, Ural and Siberia, who are enraged by the Kos bloggers using their good name to spread the same ideas that had once already resulted in a nearly complete wiping out of the Cossacks.
I'm not good at legalese but I could contribute with the Cossack part of the story.
For a sneak peek of the real Ukrainian Cossacks see the Hollywoodized version of Gogol's story "Taras Bulba" (I saw it and it's not terribly bad).
I see a good cause for a lawsuit for the wrongful use, abuse, impersonation, and defamation.
How about we write a mock “cease and desist” letter on behalf of the Russian Cossacks? The Ukrainian Cossacks had been disbanded by Katherine the Great around 1775. The Russian Cossacks had been largely massacred by the Communists, but they are now reviving their traditions and culture.
Let's say we post a "news story" about a fictional law firm representing an Association of Cossack Regiments from the Volga, Don, Kuban, Tie, Ural and Siberia, who are enraged by the Kos bloggers using their good name to spread the same ideas that had once already resulted in a nearly complete wiping out of the Cossacks.
I'm not good at legalese but I could contribute with the Cossack part of the story.
I can put a draft together for you tomorrow. Shall I post it here, or do you want me to send it to you? Be aware, it will be very dry, but I'll try to make it as stinging as possible.
I'm glad you like it, Kalashnikov! We should discuss it further in a padded soundproof room, if you know what I mean.
Besides, while the Kossack issue may be influencing the Global Continental Drift, it's hardly a major factor and shouldn't be discussed here. In this thread we must focus on the dangers of capitalism and the American way of life, which is the main culprit according to a consensus of state-funded scientists.
...In this thread we must focus on the dangers of capitalism and the American way of life, which is the main culprit according to a consensus of state-funded scientists.
Quite right, Comrade Hexahedron. Another case in point:
Naomi Klein, in her bold new book The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism wrote
...An economic system that requires constant growth, while bucking almost all serious attempts at environmental regulation, generates a steady stream of disasters all on its own, whether military, ecological or financial.
Naomi Klein, in her bold new book The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism wrote
...An economic system that requires constant growth, while bucking almost all serious attempts at environmental regulation, generates a steady stream of disasters all on its own, whether military, ecological or financial.
A wonderful book and an even better review indeed.
SUSAN ROSENTHAL wrote
Because democracy is the enemy of the free market, free-market fundamentalists must use force to get their way.
It just shows again that the entire modern history is just one big conspiracy perpetrated on the unsuspecting inert populations by the pro-active capitalists.
As I said earlier, Marxism is the ultimate conspiracy theory. If you teach teachers that history is a controlled process orchestrated by certain wise men with a supernatural foresight, and they teach this angle to children in schools - by adding just a little comment to that effect every day in class - then you have a generation of young people whose brains are ripe to accept Marx as their only savior.
Ever wonder how come the 9/11 Troofers has become so widespread and so fast? It's the result of young people applying the logical tools they have received in public school, to the so-called reality.
Going back to the book review, I'd like you to compare these two quotes.
SUSAN ROSENTHAL wrote
democracy is the enemy of the free market
Alexis de Tocqueville wrote
Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, ‘equality’. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude.
I checked the rest of the site - http://www.bestcyrano.org/cyrano/ - it is a treasure trove! So much disdain for all that is American, so much snobbish arrogance and pseudo-intellectual psychobabble compressed in so little space makes it one of the brightest stars on the progressive horizon.
I sense so much HBO in those male and female authors, this old Party horse can't stop the drooling. That's it. Must go back to Daily Kos for a more bland, moderate vision. Reading Daily Kos is like watching a pond with ripples made by orange-and-black goldfish. It calms me down.
I checked the rest of the site - http://www.bestcyrano.org/cyrano/ - it is a treasure trove! So much disdain for all that is American, so much snobbish arrogance and pseudo-intellectual psychobabble compressed in so little space makes it one of the brightest stars on the progressive horizon.
I sense so much HBO in those male and female authors, this old Party horse can't stop the drooling. That's it. Must go back to Daily Kos for a more bland, moderate vision. Reading Daily Kos is like watching a pond with ripples made by orange-and-black goldfish. It calms me down.
That site just drips with the arrogance that comes from the elitist mindset ("We're more intelligent/educated than you. Therefore, we know what is best for you. Because, we care").
What would we do were it not for the Daily Truth? For this explains to me the ocean's waves. Yes, there's all that business--er, exploitation--about gravity and celestial bodies (like Hillary's--pardon me, comrades, for I am a male prole and am Pavloved by Hillary even to the mere mention of the name) promulgated in indoctrination texts force-fed us by the capitalist classes; however, it has now been unmasked as the lie it always was, for here is the political struggle played out in the sciences, which capitalist tools in lab coats have long denied:
1) Because of Yanqui capitalism, a continent is forcibly undermined or pushed into submission; i.e., the tide goes out
2) A literal wave of resentment, tears of global oppression, pour out of the offended continent's eye and spread across the globe; i.e., the tide comes in
3) Guided by Marxism-Leninism, other continents and political elements unite and push back the exploitative and oppressive capitalism reactionaries; i.e., the tide goes out
4) A sine wave of revolution is thus created, sparked by Yanqui arrogance and oppression that always struggles to push back down the geo-political forces that rise up against it
Once all continents have reunited under the Natural Law of Communism, there will be no more tides. Life asea will, like life on land, become "smooth sailing," the Ship of the State cutting through the sea of humanity, calmly rolling over it, meeting no resistance, its sails filled with eternal wind.
To think I wasted years in a public capitalist indoctrination center studying the pseudo-scientific lies of geology and geography when it was all a political struggle. I should have known all along!
My science students begin studying continental drift in two weeks. Given that they are both equally valid, this expose will be required reading, along with all the most recent alarmist research on anthropogenic global climate change (climate: 6 weeks from now). Why plan lessons on my own when all the work has already been done for me?
My science students begin studying continental drift in two weeks. Given that they are both equally valid, this expose will be required reading, along with all the most recent alarmist research on anthropogenic global climate change (climate: 6 weeks from now). Why plan lessons on my own when all the work has already been done for me?
If that's okay, that is.
As the politically reliable part-time science corespondent and full-time lab specimen of the collective, you have my blessings and those of Lenin and Marx to bring this important truth to the young minds of your classroom. I am of course available for speaking engagements, autograph sessions and personal counselling for a modest honorarium, a portion of which will be donated to the Ivan Betinov Foundation for Continental Drift Propaganda Research.
I hate to be a proverbial stick in the drilling mud, but doesn't anthropogenic mean "producing man?" I think the politically correct term for "produced by man" would be anthropogenous, no?
Sorry for being picky, I just don't want to get sued by the ACLU for nomenclature discrimination.
Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the highly reactive hydroxyl radical, a species shown to mutate DNA, denature proteins, disrupt cell membranes, and chemically alter critical neurotransmitters. The atomic components of DHMO are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.
For more detailed information, including precautions, disposal procedures and storage requirements, refer to one of the Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) available for DHMO...
I strongly advise you to visit that site (apparently written by my long-lost cousin) and report back with your findings.
Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid.
The government is currently using DHMO as a form of torture, forcing inmates in the "Justice" Department's political prisons to stand under streams of the liquid form while breathing in clouds of Hydric Acid in gaseous form. This is inflicted on a daily basis for most inmates. Enough of this ingested into the lungs can cause convulsions and death, yet no one is speaking out against this menace. Certainly not your Republican Congressmen!
Capitalist industrialists regularly inject DHMO into our food and drink in a variety of manufacturing and/or processing stages. This goes on with virtually no federal regulation--other than to determine that the DHMO used is "pure" by government standards. There have been reports of it found even in baby foods and formula. Does anyone care what we are putting in our bodies? Not the Republicans!
While trace amounts have been shown to have little effect on the body, in sufficient quantity ingestion of this insidious substance can kill. It can induce a state of hyponatremia, causing in some cases disorientation, brain swelling, and death:
Quote
As the electrolyte levels get dangerously out of balance, body systems begin to fail and the sufferer exhibits signs of crisis such as diarrhea, over-salivation, stupor, vomiting, muscle tremors, confusion, frequent urination and other general symptoms of illness, and their brain begins to swell. This swelling is called a 'brain edema' or 'cerebral edema' and can lead to brain damage, paralysis, and sometimes death.
Yet do the plutocrats of the Republican party do anything about it? Do they attempt to regulate it? Do they even consider banning this hideous substance?
If you ever want to give a person obsessive-compulsive behavior or just send them screaming into the night, the FAQs alone will do it.
Quote
What can I do to minimize the risks?
Fortunately, there is much you can do to minimize your dangers due to Dihydrogen Monoxide exposure. (Pinkie: After reading the FAQs, I've decided there's NOTHING I can do!) First, use common sense. (Pinkie: Thanks to the Bush Administration's "you're on your own" policy, there is no Common Sense. Do you know of any Progressive who has it?) Whenever you are dealing with any product or food that you feel may be contaminated with DHMO, evaluate the relative danger to you and your family, and act accordingly. (Pinkie: How? Should the government subsidize DHMO alarms for all homes, kitchens and refrigerators?) Keep in mind that in many instances, low-levels of Dihydrogen Monoxide contamination are not dangerous, (Pinkie: WTF? The FAQ said just a thimbleful could doom me!) and in fact, are virtually unavoidable. (Pinkie: Well, duh!) Remember, the responsibility for your safety and the safety of your family lies with you. (Pinkie: Excuse me? The responsibility lies with WHOM? This sounds like a Thoughtcrime--and suspiciously Republican.) Second, exercise caution when there is the potential for accidental inhalation or ingestion of DHMO. (Pinkie: This is why I'm such a nervous wreck all the time--I'm always on the lookout for signs of DHMO) If you feel uncomfortable, remove yourself from a dangerous situation. Better safe than sorry. (Pinkie: I have nowhere to go.) Third, don't panic. (Pinkie: Too late. Besides, how do you people expect to make a "Crisis" out of this, raise awareness, and get oodles of federal funding if you don't get everyone to panic?) Although the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide are very real, by exercising caution and common sense, (Pinkie: We shall have to wait until next Tuesday for Common Sense) you can rest assured knowing that you are doing everything possible to keep you and your family safe. (Pinkie: Wrong, wrong, wrong! To feel I'm doing everything possible--as well as show everyone else how much I care--I must wear the appropriate Awareness Ribbon and DHMO Strong bracelet.)
This is obviously one of the following:
(a) A half-assed attempt by the GOP to co-opt the Party's "Crisis Fabrication Cooperative" (or CFC) to get steal votes in November.
(b) A half-assed attempt by the evil Bush Administration to divert everyone's attention from the tanking economy and the illegal, immoral war in Iraq.
(c) The half-assed Right Wing undercurrents I've identified above point to a "Deep Throat" type as the author--one who's finally blowing the whistle now that he/she has seen the GOP and the Bush Adminstration for what they really are.
My science students begin studying continental drift in two weeks. Given that they are both equally valid, this expose will be required reading, along with all the most recent alarmist research on anthropogenic global climate change (climate: 6 weeks from now). Why plan lessons on my own when all the work has already been done for me?
If that's okay, that is.
As the politically reliable part-time science corespondent and full-time lab specimen of the collective, you have my blessings and those of Lenin and Marx to bring this important truth to the young minds of your classroom. I am of course available for speaking engagements, autograph sessions and personal counselling for a modest honorarium, a portion of which will be donated to the Ivan Betinov Foundation for Continental Drift Propaganda Research.
Thank you for your kind permission--where better to indoctrinate the little darlings but their public school classroom?
What the corporate media never mentions is that the oceans are getting increasingly high in DHMO content, with the United States being the worst offender.
It is as clear as day that a big factor in continental drift is DHMO-infested oceans that are literally pushing the continents apart!
The question is, whether the capitalist industrialists conspired to deliberately release DHMO into our oceans in order to break the one-world utopia.
The answer is a resounding YES!!! THE EVIL BASTARDS!!!!
Because of them and their clever tricks the one-world utopia is becoming less and less likely WITH EVERY PASSING SECOND!!! VALIUM! WHERE THE HELL IS MY VALIUM???
Research has shown that planet Earth has been unfairly rich in oxygen compared to other planets, which put them at a disadvantage with regards to developing life forms. Therefore, our pride in being so unique in the Universe is nothing but a bigoted manifestation of our selfish disregard for the common good of the Solar System.
Progressive scientists of the world are increasingly raising their voices in support of the idea of taking the Earth's oxygen and sending it to the neighboring planets, just as we are currently sending money to the Palestinian government.
Since the USA has already developed the technology of interplanetary travel, we must put pressure on the American government to transport at least 10% of oxygen from their territory to Mars at their own expense in the next ten years.
No right-thinking scientist can question that," pronounced Brinker after composing himself. "On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages."
There is one silver lining in this imperialist caused cloud.... the water skiing is excellent on the east coast. Just throw a line to the Statue of Liberty or some other meaningless structure, and have fun.
Comrade Pupovich! Get your ass on a plane to Hawaii and make sure these prostitutes are disease free. We must be certain that these important scientists are not distracted by a burning sensation in their penises! The future of Earth is at stake!
Why Kommissar Vodkov, judging from the books, it looks like you can not afford this much longer anyway since your pass was suspended.
A skull of 95 million year old dinosaurs which unearthed from narmada river bed region of India has raised hot debate among researchers. Because the dinosaurs fossils totally contradict with
the theory of continental drifting which proposed by German meteorologist Alfred Wagner.
According to this theory before 200 million years ago all the present day continents were jointly present and the super continent was called as pangaea, and then splited in two major continents called as northern laurasia and the southern gonduwana, the theory continue to explains...
Thank you, new comrade chennaibalaji (can I just call youy "Bob?") for the link to the article that supports the consensus of all right thinking politically approved science regarding Anthropogenic Continental Drift. Here is proof incontrovertable that until the onset of the Eurocentric Industrial Age, the continents indeed were a tightly locked collective enjoying peace and harmony.
Comrade Betinov, with the assurance that the United Socialist States of America became an uncontestable reality yesterday, I suspect that we will soon see the continents reverse course, and start coming together again. People's States will be one again!
I suspect that we will soon see the continents reverse course, and start coming together again. People's States will be one again!
Think of the ditches we can dig...or cause to have dug...with such an unbroken expanse of virgin lands spread out before us. And there will be plenty of ditch diggers once the Party is in full control.
I can't believe I am just now seeing this. Never fear Comrade Red Square, I have been leading the battle warning about the dangers of DHMO for many years now.
Back during the 70's version of Hollywood (red) Squares, Peter Marshall asked Paul Lynde:
"True or false, the continents of North America and Africa are drifting closer to eachother."
Lynde answered: "I don't know, but if it's true it's good news for the purple cadillac salesmen."
I am happy that the thought police has removed such atrocities from the airwaves.
Today, Paul Lynde would be sent to gulag, just like Imus! Right?
People today, leading alternative lifestyles (like Paul Lynde) have to watch every word they say because the repercussio....
Welcome to the Collective comrade Big Fur Hat. You have a point there, but fortunately your big fur hat covers it nicely. Just follow the guard (as if there was a choice there) who will lead you to the long line where you will pick up your blunted shovel and tin foil hat. You will then be directed to the next long line for the bus to the Karl Marx Re-Education Center where everyone will "pass" that leaves there if you get my drift.
Maybe if we drift enough we can go all the way around the globe and re-connect with our fellow continents! Perhaps we should accelerate the process... I know! we will attach rocket engines on the edge of the continents to propel the continential plates in the desired direction! Wait, that would contribute to global warming.... Well, nevermind then, we are all simply doomed.
I am glad that you recognized the hit that would do to global warming Top Secret Name (of course you do know, there is no secret the Inner Circle is not aware of, or can not make up to suit the Current Truth™?). But do not fret, the principle is sound, but rather than rocket engines, we can use sails. It is a bit slower of course, but green.
Ah! of course! But... the wind blows in seemingly random directions. We must find a way to control the wind before we attempt this. Perhaps... if global warming continues to make more hurricanes, we could use that wind to power the sails!
If his Obamaness is anything to go by (and of course, he is the ultimate example of perfection in all things), tacking has little effect. As can be seen, he goes where the winds of change and public opinion polls blow. It seems that setting a purposeful course is a physical impossibility. Or perhaps above our pay grades. At any rate, I think it best to simply let nature take its course and soak all the rich countries for all we can in the meantime.
Hmmm. That's odd. Both Baldeagle79 here and student 12345 in a People's Blog post have posted messages that don't really have anything to do with the thread on which they were posted, but both link to the same website.
I've been expecting that movie for a while. It's based on Gogol's short novel that is a Russian/Ukrainian classic about 17th century Ukrainian Cossacks fighting off Polish occupation.
"Has the world gotten warmer cause that would be a really convenient truth!" - Link from Monsters vs. Aliens
I'm still amused by the randomly discovered fact that if you start the trailer for "Inconvenient Truth" and "Play that Funky Music White Boy" at the same time, the two coincide perfectly. Sort of like "Wizard of Oz" and Dark Side of the Moon.
That whole thing sort of went over my head as well Comrade Brain in a Jar.BTW, in case you have not heard yet, I was forced to denounce a certain comrade whose name is not important at this moment, for suggesting you would make a good progressive brain salad.
I'm not terribly worried. I've got a Saucer Full of Secrets I can dish out when needed, much like the mighty squid pulses out a cloud of ink to obscure itself to make a getaway.
Comrade Collectivists! Come one, come all, to the glorious world of Shiny Things™! For even in the end, The Great Motherland sucked viciously, like the evil KKKapitalist, on the black gold of The Motherland!
James the 'almost ran' city councilor emailed us his video:
James the 'almost ran' city councilor wrote
Before we all get too amused by the looming continental drift crisis we need to be aware of the imminent dangers of Tidal lock.
I took the liberty of making a brief video to explain the dangers here:
Can the rotation crisis be helped if I send my spousal unit to drive 20 miles to the east and walk home?
Actually it's a trick question. I live in New York, so 20 miles to the east would be salt water all around. But if it's required to stop global crisis, that's the sacrifice my spousal unit will have to make, won't she? We all must make sacrifices, right? I'll just have to live with it for the rest of my life, proud of the fact that I helped to save the planet.
Some of the worlds top bureaucrats working for the UN dept. of solar system physics have determined that the movement of ex spouses is worth two miles for every mile a current spouse may travel, in terms of reversing tidal lock.
So in essence, if you can get your Ex spouse to drive 20 miles east into the sea, it is worth the points of a current spouse going forty miles.
(These results may vary from ex spouse to ex spouse and were determined by measuring the mean mass and girth of ex spouses over current ones.)
By the way, to register here I needed to borrow the Rosetta stone. The Egyptians are less amused than the last time one of us borrowed it. Maybe those archaeologists were also vision impaired I dunno.
It's quite simple. When you opened The People's Cube, our state-run server injected your computer with a team of Carter nano rabbits who analyzed your system, found the video above, and determined that you were some sort of a scientist. Hence the Greek symbols. Had they determined you were an ACORN activist, your screen would have displayed food stamps of various denominations.
Comrades,
This Anthropogenic Continental Drift thing. It's true. The Democratic Science of the people can prove it.
Between 1700 and 1799, at about the time the industrial revolution was getting ready for glorious puberty, there were just 34 cataclysmic volcanic eruptions in the world... you know... the really big ones that flatten trees and capitalist resorts built to exploit nature.
Between 1800 and 1899, when the evil capitalist industrial revolution was realy getting some steam up, there were 41.
And between 1900 and 1999, when the exploiting factories of the imperialist anglo-american cabal were at their height, and as the continents drifted faster and faster apart, there were 69.
Really. I'm not making this up. I left that to the capitalists dogs at the Smithsonian. (No. Really! I'm NOT making this up.)
And since 2000, the downtrodden earth is exploding at the rate of one cataclysmic volcanic eruption a year.
This is such complete and irrefutable proof that the scientific debate about ACD is now over.
It is therefore up to our governments to do something about it. Clearly, we need a Motion Trading Scheme (MTS) that imposes a tax on everything that moves, and then redistributes that tax by paying a subsidy to anything that moves so that nothing that moves will be out of pocket, and a whole new pillar of the bureaucracy can be built to handle the complex calculations.
It's a step closer to a perfect utopia.
You know, if we could just put giant ducts on the top of the volcanoes, and angle them to point east, we might be able to stop tidal lock. This could be accomplished for the paltry sum of however many trillions it would take to bankrupt the United States once and for all. Child forced labor from the developing nations could be used to build and place the ducts or 'afterburners' we may call them and an army of UN bureaucrats can manage them from the newly confiscated resorts.
Now lets see if my avatar works.
We must equip the volcano afterburners with catalytic converters, to neutralize the effect of releasing an equivalent of a trillion cow farts into the atmosphere with each eruption.
Pollution from volcanoes makes the Cap & Trade plan ridiculous because compared to volcano eruptions, all man-made and cow-made pollution looks like a drop in the ocean. But if we harness the volcano power we can first and foremost make polluting US factories look more like fish in the barrel.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
