Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again
A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated
by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic
Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage
and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments
from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made
to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract
this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
Earth Day:
a day of action to save the earth from farmers, ranchers,
mining, timber, oil, chemical companies, and anyone
else who seeks to utilize the earth's resources to
enhance, enrich, and extend the lives of Americans
and others worldwide. Characterized by the media's
massive awareness drive to (a)
remind the world that American
capitalists are raping the earth and stealing its
riches, thus causing all of the planet's environmental
problems; (b) advocate a greater government control
of land, resources, and industries; and (c) increase
the constantly growing white male guilt levels. A
great way to politicize spring cleaning and
give an ideological rationalization for the rebirth
of nature.
It is a scientific
fact that Global Warming provides
the means for the ignorant to declare
with absolute certainty that they
know the unknowable -- Laika
The Space Dog
Since man-made
Global Warming is becoming
increasingly unknowable and
avoids being accurately
measured, progressive scientists
are working hard on new arguments
to convince the masses in the
necessity to believe in it. In
lieu of objective criteria it
boils down to a simple matter
of faith: Global Warming is,
or It is not. But to which
side shall the progressive masses
incline? In a stunning breakthrough,
researchers at Karl Marx Treatment
Center have developed a revolutionary
concept of the People's Cube
Global Warming Wager which
proves that believing in Global
Warming is more advantageous
than not believing. It's
similar to the Pascal's
Wager argument, only it's
more progressive.
I am frightened. Very frightened.
Because I have seen the trailer for your classic film, An
Inconvenient Truth.
Your cinematic skills taught me that the future is one
of "hundreds of millions of refugees," fires, floods,
earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear disasters, and terrifying
PowerPoint slides - all occurring within seven seconds.
Speaking about free
Cadillac-quality medical services
from cradle to grave, this baby runs
best on ethanol as proven by our
Soviet comrades whose extensive research
into cheap alcohol-based solutions
is well-known. It also shortens the
distance between cradle and grave,
which saves the government a lot
resources. With this in mind we invented
a new alternative product that is
now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as
preferred mind-altering substance
of progressive elites:
On behalf of The
People™, the Party, and the
Politburo we express our satisfaction
with the Film Academy for staying
within the constrains of the narrowly
defined Party line while delivering
a correct set of Party-approved talking
points to the knuckle-dragging American
public at the Oscars this Sunday.
Some comrades have voiced concerns
about this year's lack of inspiring
progressive rhetoric, but please
remember that the Democrat victory
in Congress has marked the beginning
of a new era of lukewarm tepidness,
which calls for lukewarm and tepid
shows in life, politics, and television.
The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly
that. The polarizing times of Michael
Moore are over. Hollywood has been
given a new assignment - to soothe
and desensitize the previously torn
and deliberately wounded nation,
reuniting it under the banner of
moderation, centrism, multiculturalism,
socialism, alternative lifestyles,
and Global Warming.
The People's Cube
has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar
acceptance speech to be read
in full, uninterrupted by music,
at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb.
25. The same speech, with minor adjustments
for local weather, will also be delivered
in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where
Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel
Peace Prize for his efforts in
putting Global Warming on the front
burner of class struggle. Below is
the full text of Al Gore's speech:
Fight against climate
change has taken a new dimension
Monday as a new legal defense group,
Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural
Disasters (SLAND), initiated international
class-action litigation against God
for the environmental destruction
and Global
Warming that has resulted from
acts that He has caused to occur. "For
many years enviro-activists, spearheaded
by Al Gore and financed by trial
lawyers, have been pointing to human
greed, oil industries, and Western
capitalism-based societies as the
main causes of Global Warming," said
SLAND lead attorney and Executive
Director, Peacedove Handwring at
a press conference. "While all these
factors are a fine cause for international
insurance litigation, the primary
culprit of climate change that is
more powerful and more difficult
to deal with, has so far escaped
attention of our lawyers. That culprit
is God."
Polar bears in Alaska are being forced
to
adapt to the heat by lazing about on
the porches of their caves and drinking
all day.
Senators John McCain
and Hillary Clinton have returned
from a high-profile, omni-partisan,
and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour
in Alaska, claiming to have found
incontrovertible proof that global
warming is the result of US imperialism.
"Go up to places like we just
came from, it's a little scary," Senator
McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green
grass, wildflowers, even trees!
Yet I clearly remember from the
movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning
Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used
to be covered with snow!"
Inspired by President
Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive
oil" to less addictive, healthier
energy sources, a team of crack researchers
at the Halliburton labs have discovered
a new powerful source of energy that
is cheaper and more reliable than
wind, water, or ethanol - and is
widely available in the United States.
The new power-generating technology,
dubbed "People Power" utilizes
the metaphysical energy of the
revolutionary masses (also known
as "hatred of capitalist pigs"),
extracting progressive energy from
highly charged individuals, and
converting the "discharge" into
clean electrical power. As such,
it may reconcile opposing political
ideologies by both eliminating
industrial pollution and generating
unlimited profit for capitalist
entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely
non-addictive.
As Americans are trying to come
to grips with nature's attack on
the Gulf Coast, reports are growing
about an increased level of hate
crimes against environment in US
cities and rural areas. In Georgia,
a man was arrested for screaming
environmental slurs at the passing
clouds and threatening them with
a shotgun, while in other areas local
residents were seen "accidentally" ramming
trees, rocks, and flowery hedges
with their cars, trucks, and SUVs.
No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards
the environment in the states of
Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple
driving a car with a bumper sticker
that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged
out of the vehicle and beaten with
sticks by a gang of angry neighbors.
The masses often ask me, "Comrade
Gore, why not power our houses by collecting
the static electricity created by rubbing woolens
and balloons against our hair and skin? Is this
not the true People's Power that will end forever
the greed and oppression of Big Electricity by
giving them a jolt of the Revolution?"
Here's my answer. I came up with it during
one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place
was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing
babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless
consumers. They don't contribute anything to
society except waste, gas, noise, and general
disturbance...
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. promises
hell to unbelievers unless
they repent and establish worship
and pay the poor-due with the
hand of humility. "Lo! Science
is Forgiving, Merciful!"
As Hurricane Katrina dismantles Mississippi's
Gulf Coast, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,
the firebrand scientist of the fundamentalist
strain of environmental doctrine, has
unleashed a fiery
sermon at The Huffington Post offices,
stating that Americans had brought
the devastation upon themselves for
sinning against Science.
"Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty
last night as the hurricane approached,
it would have been turned aside,
for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared
the ultraprogressive pulpiter who
is sometimes criticized for interpreting
scientific texts too literally. "But
Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley
Barbour went against science, they
sealed their ears to Science's prophets,
and for that Science unleashed its
wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall
be their home: an evil fate!"
"It is a mortal sin to think that
Science is open to interpretation,
that scientific phenomena can mean
more than one thing, or that Climate
Change has a million factors! That
would be just as bad as the ludicrous
literal interpretation of Scripture
by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight
those who do not profess the true
faith! Remember that Science gives
firmness to the believers, and it
instills terror into the hearts of
the unbelievers!"
As widely anticipated hurricane Ernesto
disaster failed to materialize, media networks are growing
increasingly frustrated with the Bush Administration's
handling of everything. "I prepared a perfectly credible
report on the connection between hurricanes, Global Warming,
racism, and Prescott Bush," says devastated CNN newsman
Lou Dobbs. "What am I to do now? Report on how Karl Rove's
weather machine stopped the hurricane to help Republicans
win elections and lower oil prices? Uhm... gotta write
that down."
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by
al-Qaeda rocket
Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it
International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after
American aid reaches Burma
Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest,
a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria
Earth
Day: save the planet, starve the children!
Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching
it in public schools
Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich
Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise
Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum
sandwich
Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare
Stop and smell the Sharpies
Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy
Media: this year's Global
Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness
month
NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes
Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"
click here
Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters
to listen to the entire message before making judgment
Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"
Hillary distances self from Rush Limbaugh but not from his Operation
Chaos: "I can no more disown him than I can disown the crossover
Republican voters"
Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself
New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey
KKK
endorses Harvard's
gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' Hillary picks up endorsement by Supreme
Superdelegate
London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by
Scotland Yard
Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters
and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg
USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp
Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity
Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote
Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do
it, so can we!' Hillary's
empty pants suit collection evokes yawns
Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City'
shot at checkpoint
John McCain apologizes for going
to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule,
Tom Cruise converts to Islam
NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama
Rhett Butler Clinton and Scarlet O'Clinton's house in ruins. Plantation empty. New supply of undocumented workers expected soon
NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp
Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General
Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's
Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars Las
Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers
Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib
Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak
Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign
Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new
hope
Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on
street corners
Panhandlers
Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon
credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha:
if we quit now, capitalism will win
Pelosi
declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course
Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally
High school Meth teacher starts
new class Holy Mitt!
Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%
Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless-
transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick
Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive
"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway
Truthers: "Clinton bomb threat was an inside job"
Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate
Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad
New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive
than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al
Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'
NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others
Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often
enough
Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by
MSM and Democrats in US Congress
Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"
US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November
Hillary: I've always been a Yankees Red Sox Fan
Lack of bad news from Iraq causes
media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA
Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire
instead
USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller
Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking
delusional paranoia
MoveOn.org
pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home
Reid: The war on fire is lost
Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire
Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California
NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires
Hillary: Rush Limbaugh's abuse of power proves need for Fairness
Doctrine
Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make
millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so
far.
Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian
Medal of Honor to Al Gore
Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?
San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault
Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark
End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France
Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"
Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"
Cheney to Hillary: I find your lack of faith disturbing
Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"
Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics
Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS
stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't
tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie
Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm
a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Hillary silent about connection between her Healthcare plan and the Skull & Bones
Society
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming
Hillary:
Some people have skeletons in their closets,
I just have Hsus
To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling
of Obama to Ubama
Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts
report at Cannes.
George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam
Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers
John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all,
mandatory pre-jurisprudence care
Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill Democrats
select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"
Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense
"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues
Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling
for Pope's death New
Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock
star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists
Al Gore to recall the Internet
Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month
First New Orleans, now Minnesota:
Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle
Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead
William
Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism,
rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training
program
Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry
sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability
London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs
to prevent further bombings
Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air
strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and
we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?" Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"
Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody
to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris
Hilton and Katie Couric
Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?
US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in
Iraq US
Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting
for?
Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!" MSM spokesman: There
are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil
war" off the front page
As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free
subscriptions to "solve problem"
Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant
Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory
Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"
Troubled by vanishing bees, ...ush and ...lair meet at the
White House to share concerns
Pope Benedict XVI laments the deep divide between Marxism and capitalism in Latin America
Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey
Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating
more terrorists"
French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant
socialists expected to react to election results
Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist
agenda
" of rule of law and assimilation to French
culture
Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can
run indefinitely
Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at
a time
Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids
ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'
Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops
Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling
Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision
Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves
Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses
should not expel noxious gases
Al Gore hired
by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming
Jelly
New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks
planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of
solar system
Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket
Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're
not Republicans!"
Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched
too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff
in his confession up
Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing
identity of presidential candidate John Edwards
Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists
be included on all future juries
Kent
State professor calls for bin Laden victory:
time to bring in the National
Guard again?
Hollywood to America:
our moral issues are better than your moral
issues
Hillary: "If elected
I'm going to hunt down and destroy all America's
enemies starting with David Geffen"
Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial
House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED
Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but
they support their mission
North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright
Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their
mission
Is it time for Pinochet yet?
Helen
Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural
History