It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog
Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.
~
The original diagram drawn by Blaise Pascal in 1654 while developing Pascal's Wager argument:
We can argue that it is always a better "bet" to believe in Global Warming, because the expected value to be gained from believing in Global Warming is always greater than the expected value resulting from non-belief. Note that this is not an argument for the existence of Global Warming, but rather one for the belief in It. This argument is specifically aimed at the ignorant masses who are not convinced by traditional arguments for the existence of Global Warming.
In short, Man-Made Global Warming Wager can be described as follows: Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that Global Warming is. If you gain, you gain all (prevent climate change and kill capitalism); if you lose, you lose nothing - but kill capitalism anyway. Wager, then, without hesitation that Global Warming is!
Al Gore provides information about man-made Global Warming but not proof for it. Should you believe in this Global Warming? This is where our Wager comes in, providing an analytical process for the masses to evaluate their options:
The masses believe in Global Warming and it really exists: we prevent climate change and kill capitalism: our gain is infinite.
The masses believe in Global Warming but it doesn't exist: we lose nothing but kill capitalism anyway and claim we saved the planet.
The masses don't believe in Global Warming and it doesn't exist: the growth of capitalist prosperity will continue unabated, distracting the masses from the need to fight capitalism. Faith in socialism withers away: our loss is infinite.
The masses don't believe in Global Warming, but it exists and arrives to smite the nonbelievers: See #3, plus our beach homes get washed away: our loss is infinite.
From these possibilities, and the principles of Marxist ethics (anything is moral as long as it advances Socialist Revolution) we deduce that it would be better to believe in man-made Global Warming unconditionally.
The following table shows the values that we assigned to each possible outcome: (Please note that this is not an argument for the existence of Global Warming, but rather one for the belief in It).
Given the values, the option of believing in Global Warming (B) dominates the option of not believing in it (~B). The actual probabilities make no difference to the argument, since any non-zero chance multiplied by infinity yields an infinite expected value.
This wager demonstrates beyond doubt that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. Researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center are hopeful that this discovery will finally convert the nonbelievers who rejected previous theological arguments.
It reminds of the time the Great Troll of Mimes visited us and made the proposition:
I stink, therefore I spam!
Of course Global Warming exists!
So does Global Cooling, formerly known in the late 1970's and early 80's as "The New Ice Age".
We cannot endure either! We must have Equality of the Climate!
Thank Pascal and God for Liberals!
The Liberals defeated "The New Ice Age" in 1993 with the Inauguration of Bill Clinton. The Blizzard of 1993 was it's last hurrah.
Then for 8 full years Earth had a perfect climate. Al Gore's Climate Controlling Computer Program (CCCP) worked flawlessly with his Internet invention. Mankind was safe!
Then came the stolen election of 2000 and the smell of sulpher was in the White House.....You see, Satan likes things VERY HOT. Bush, doing Satan's bidding, started fiddling with the dials, blowing fuses, and breaking the vacuum tubes on Al Gore's CCCP....the next thing you know....Global Warming!
Then things got too hot "politically" for Bush and he reset the CCCP dial to "New Ice Age" again this January, but thank God for Hugo Chavez and the Kennedys for sending boatloads of heating oil for the poor huddling masses that Bush wants to freeze to death! You can bet on June 21st he'll reset the CCCP dial for Global Warming again. Let's just pray those CITGO boats get here in time so these huddling frozen masses don't end up becoming necro-proxy voters.
(Bow your heads for moment of silence and prayer for Hugo's Boats...unless you're in school or a public place)
We need that CCCP dial set on "Perfect Climate of Equality" like the 1990's and only a Democrat controlled White House, Senate, and Congress can do it!
Do not believe in the false god of objective science! You'll hear strange blatherings of things like "Sunspots", "Volcanic activity", "Water evaporation" and such! Listen not brethern and sisters!
Only the Real God of Selective Science is the Truth! Any activity that man does plus cow farts! That and Bush!
Praise Marx, Lenin and Stalin's Ghost.
Amen
I have found a solution to at least one of your emotional and electoral problems.
We can neutralize Bill's cheating with the new Cheat Offsetting program. It works just like the Carbon Offsetting program - by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This will neutralize the pain and unhappy emotions in your family as well as the potential voters, leaving everyone involved (including Bill) with a clear conscience.
I think we should also start a Progressive Guilt Credit business! We'll collect money from capitalists who don't want to feel guilty for their success, and pass it on to our bleeding heart liberal volunteers whose daily job will be to feel terribly, unbearably guilty - eight hours a day, forty hours a week.
To feel guilty after hours will require a 1.5 overtime rate. For a special bonus these people can even wake up screaming in the middle of the night from guilt - so that you can have a good night's sleep and wake up fresh in the morning and make a ton of money during the day to offset a new portion of your accumulated capitalist guilt. We'll be keeping, oh I don't know, 10% of the money passing our hands?
Imagine a commercial:
COMMERCIAL: Are you a bleeding heart liberal? Are you feeling guilty all day while living in your mom's basement? Is your guilt preventing you from having a job, a career, or a meaningful relationship? Well, now you can feel guilty and get paid for it! I am Red Square of the People's Cube. Sign up to be a volunteer in our Progressive Guilt Credit program and become a successful guilt receptacle!
<voice> Hi, my name is Alva Goldbook. I used to be full of guilt and anxiety just because I was a U.S. citizen. I spent my days moaning about the lack of government programs that would pay me enough money to move to Cuba or North Korea. But after I joined the Progressive Guilt Credit program I quickly grew from the position of Assistant Nervous Wreck to Whining Paranoid Blogger, and within only a year I became an Area Guilt Manager in charge of guilt sales and redistribution in all of Northern Virginia. I can now stop asking Mom for allowance to go to Starbucks or buy Panera bread with my own guilt credits. Soon I'll even be able to leave the basement and travel to far-away romantic places like Cuba or North Korea with my real new human-flesh girlfriend!
If you are a liberal moaner, stop wasting your time carping for free! Join our army of paid whiners, complainers, and nit-pickers and earn real income!
As for our capitalist customers we'll have a different set of commercials, as well as monthly and annual Guilt Drives that would increase the guilt amount and raise the value of guilt we would help them to offset!
Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.
Would it not be cheaper and easier just to castrate Comrade Bill?
Oh wait! YOU ALREADY HAVE HIS BALLS!!!! BRILLIIANT!!! No wonder you are going to be the next President of the United Socialist States of America! You're always thinking 2 steps ahead.
--
Peace through Socialist Idolatry,
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.
Brother Red!
Shame on you! (Are you feeling the guilt yet?) You forgot ACORN! How could you forget ACORN? ACORN is the very progressive model we're talking about!
Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?
Do you remember the story of "Carbon Footprints"?
Those were Al Gore's footprints along the seashore when you thought those footprints in the sand were actually yours, because Al Gore was carrying you on his carbon debt shoulders!
The Rev. Laika
(actually I only audited a class in Global Warming Divinity School, but you can call me Reverend)
Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?
Because we need to sell worthless crap now for our own profit, because in the glorious socialist future, it can only be done under the table, and all witnesses must be... um... dealt with.
Consensus is reached: Gore’s global-warming alarmism is overblown. By Steven F. Hayward
As international celebrity and film star Al Gore prepared to testify about global warming on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, it was already apparent that the hot air may be leaking out of the global-warming balloon...
Comrade Red Square, that article you link to is certainly very disturbing by any measure. The good thing is that our minions in the Democratic Party are the majority in Congress. No worries.
OMG that carbon debt site is so freaking funny. I'll bet they are raking in the dough from that. Martin Luther was right. There are suckers buying indulgences every minute. I hope Commrade Luther comes to post the 95 Theses on the door of The People's Cube. Anyway. I thought you would like to check out this little tidbit of capitalist propoganda. It must be hidden away deep in our vaults.
What a glorious day for the Party and our socialist future! Comrade Gore testifies in front of Congress, notifying the Party of the ways in which global warming can be used to destroy the Amerikkkan capitalist economy. Not to mention the supoena issued to KKKarl Rove! On with the show trials! I know Comrade Stalin would be proud. May his spirit guide the Party in its purges and trials.
Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.
Brother Red!
Shame on you! (Are you feeling the guilt yet?) You forgot ACORN! How could you forget ACORN? ACORN is the very progressive model we're talking about!
Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?
Do you remember the story of "Carbon Footprints"?
Those were Al Gore's footprints along the seashore when you thought those footprints in the sand were actually yours, because Al Gore was carrying you on his carbon debt shoulders!
The Rev. Laika
(actually I only audited a class in Global Warming Divinity School, but you can call me Reverend)
By Premier Betty
3/20/2007, 9:52 pm
Quote
Why can't we add free indulgences with every purchase of a People's Cube or T-Shirt?
Because we need to sell worthless crap now for our own profit, because in the glorious socialist future, it can only be done under the table, and all witnesses must be... um... dealt with.
By Red Square
3/21/2007, 8:51 am
Gore on the Rocks
Consensus is reached: Gore’s global-warming alarmism is overblown.
By Steven F. Hayward
As international celebrity and film star Al Gore prepared to testify about global warming on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, it was already apparent that the hot air may be leaking out of the global-warming balloon...
NRO, March 21, 2007 >>
By Comrade Otis
3/21/2007, 3:02 pm
Comrade Red Square, that article you link to is certainly very disturbing by any measure. The good thing is that our minions in the Democratic Party are the majority in Congress. No worries.
By Rikalonius
3/21/2007, 6:07 pm
OMG that carbon debt site is so freaking funny. I'll bet they are raking in the dough from that. Martin Luther was right. There are suckers buying indulgences every minute. I hope Commrade Luther comes to post the 95 Theses on the door of The People's Cube. Anyway. I thought you would like to check out this little tidbit of capitalist propoganda. It must be hidden away deep in our vaults.
Prius Decepticon
Rik
By Laika the Space Dog
3/21/2007, 7:17 pm
Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!
Now!
By Branish
3/21/2007, 7:29 pm
What a glorious day for the Party and our socialist future! Comrade Gore testifies in front of Congress, notifying the Party of the ways in which global warming can be used to destroy the Amerikkkan capitalist economy. Not to mention the supoena issued to KKKarl Rove! On with the show trials! I know Comrade Stalin would be proud. May his spirit guide the Party in its purges and trials.
By Zampolit Blokhayev
3/21/2007, 7:50 pm
Laika the Space Dog wrote
Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists!
Now!
Yes! ... Master! ... I hear and obey!
--
Peace through Party approved worship of Global Warming,
Zampolit B.S. Blokhayev
OK, we're claiming 501-3(C) status today 3/21/2007.
Rikalonius, that's a great link about the Prius. I can envision a short video on the life-cycle of the Prius. Our Friend the Prius. It's bad for the environment but great for advancing belief in man-made global warming... that's the important thing.
Here's another link. This one about how Toyota's Prius on-board computer uses revolutionary math to calculate your Prius' gas milage. Ingenious!
I really hate this... I catch a little pneumonia and I miss all the really good mentally wanking arguments...
Aside from the application of decision theory, it IS unscientific to say that in an infinite universe, something DOES NOT exist... we can't prove that something doesn't exist in an infinite universe... only that it does... logically speaking...
... and besides... I FEEL™ a little warm... and as a Bona Fide Cube Member, all I really need to worry about is my FEELINGS™.
That little Prius is taking a big sulfer dioxide crap, and pissing acid rain, all over precious mother Earth. So long as I get my medical marijuana free from the government, I don't care.
Comrade Red Square. How about an Anthropomorphic cartoon of our friend the Prius teaching all the little kiddies about the fragile environment?
"Hi, I'm Patrick Prius, and I'm here to help all you kids learn about our fragile mother... "
Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!
I hear the U.S. government is giving green cards to prophets who start new religions that have followers on U.S. territory. Once that is completed I'll be able to point at anyone in the world and claim that he/she/it is our follower, persecuted for his/her/its religious beliefs. That will grant him/her/it an instant green card and a refugee status complete with free health care, subsidized housing, and all sorts of grants. And I... ahem... our Church will get a small fee for the services, naturally. Chairman will be in charge of the collection plate. We can grow a world-wide community of Cubists... er... Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, and set up a colony somewhere in... around Las Vegas maybe?
Yea! Everyone in favor of Prophet Red Square being the first leader of the Reformed Latter Day Climatologists say "I"! Okay! Okay! People! You don't have to scream at the top of yout lungs, just give me an "I" - or else!
Congrats Red! I now declare Prophet Red Square, the leader of the Reformed Latter Day Climatologists! Is Laika done with those 501-3(c) forms yet? We have money to collect!
Hmmm... I don't think a collection plate will be adequate enough to help us build our Mega Churches in Vegas, L.A, Palm Beach, Monaco, Paris and wherever else guilt ridden white people can be found. Yes, I think we will need a Collection Cart that can be pushed around by the homeless who will work for free, naturally (we have to cut down on overhead if we want to expand our Climatologist Missionary Outreach Program, we can just blog about helping the homeless with social programs to get them to join our cause). Mmmhmmm…and I think we might also need some Hollywood movie magic like sound FX, lighting, musical score, a few washed up actorvist and a fancy Climatologist Celebrity Center Plaza for this to really kick off.
Oh, we also need an easily recognizable symbol to adorn our places of collection...errr...worship. Something that doesn't reek in communism (we don't want to scare off our corporate friends).
Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!
I hear the U.S. government is giving green cards to prophets who start new religions that have followers on U.S. territory. Once that is completed I'll be able to point at anyone in the world and claim that he/she/it is our follower, persecuted for his/her/its religious beliefs. That will grant him/her/it an instant green card and a refugee status complete with free health care, subsidized housing, and all sorts of grants. And I... ahem... our Church will get a small fee for the services, naturally. Chairman will be in charge of the collection plate. We can grow a world-wide community of Cubists... er... Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, and set up a colony somewhere in... around Las Vegas maybe?
Yeah... sure... I'm in... is there a funny book with magic glasses, or an angel called Moroni?... which has always made me wonder... if the angel is named Moroni, then how come Mormons aren't called Morons?... I honestly don't mean any disrespect... I'm just curious, cause where else is the name Mormon mentioned, except in the Book of Mormon, and I think it was only called that because the group was known as Mormons... but I can't figure out why...
If there isn't a book with funny glasses... and we obviously can't have a crude lie detector machine associated with the 'practice'... can we have some sort of barometer?... or a wind-speed thingy with the cups that spins really fast? Or something that measures electrical activity in the atmosphere? There's quite a large range of different types of lightning that they know about now and it's thought to be intricately and very critically connected to the magnetic fields that surround earth and help to deflect particles from solar storms...
Speaking of which... I think our thunder storm has finally arrived... <heavy sigh>....
No SMO, there is not a funny book with glasses, there is an angel though. Angel in greek translates to messenger, our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore. Angel Gore came down from heaven and gave prophet red sqaure, the Inconvenent Truth. Modern day angels know that reading a book does nothing but bore the people, a movie is our doctrine!
our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore.
Well then, it's settled:
Join The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists! Also known as the Goremons.
Our symbol? a simple stone or rock. There are many versions, here are two:
The Holy Stone will serve a duel purpose in our religion.
It will help us with our Climatology beliefs and we can use it to stone to death non-believers!
We will add one more Commandment to these lists: If the Rock is Warm, It is Global Warming, so sayeth the Prophet Gore.
Ooh! Ooh! I always wanted to start a new religion and be its leader!
Cool! Can we all wear funny hats so that we identify ourselves as members of Latter-Day Climatologists (The Morons) religion? Something cool ... like a dark green beenie with a Red propeller. Green to symbolize our moral superiority because we care about the Earth. And Red to symbolize or Socialist heritage which was born from the never ending class struggle and the revolution. And the propeller to symbolize that we have our heads in the clouds always striving to climb new heights of ... something ... I do not know what, but something.
Cool! Can we all wear funny hats so that we identify ourselves as members of Latter-Day Climatologists (The Morons) religion?
Splitter! We're Goremons not The Morons. Are you trying to form another sect?
Only the True Believers are Goremons!
We might have to use the Holy Stone if you keep this up!
Repent apostate!
Angel in greek translates to messenger, our messenger or angel is none other than Al Gore. Angel Gore came down from heaven and gave prophet red sqaure, the Inconvenent Truth. Modern day angels know that reading a book does nothing but bore the people, a movie is our doctrine!
Dear Pointy Red Comrade Brother,
Ahhh... that would explain why the Angel Algore is in Montreal today with the Prophet David Suzuki, speaking to some young Kosmo-Pioneers at Concordia University. Appropriately, as spring has arrived, it is as if someone has flipped a switch and we have, in the span of 12 hours in Toronto, gone from below freezing to 60F, are experiencing a deluge of Noachian proportions (I hope Comrade Otis' space ark is coming along), and thunder and lightning completely out of the norm... winds gusts of over 100 km/hr are forecast for this afternoon, though we are not sure if they are actually weather-related, or simply blow-over from the discussion in Montreal... Perhaps in future we Goremons may call this type of storm, The Breath of the Messenger... I would suggest The Wind of the Messenger, but that could be misinterpreted as a digestive disorder... Of course, if the Most Reverend L. Space Dogged declares that one name is more dogmatically appropriate, we must defer...
As for 'funny hats', I hope ZB is not referring to our tin-hats... the means of receiving our holy transmissions from The Most Reverend L. Space Dogged... Use the stone, indeed... may he suffer a stone!!!
I've been thinking about this whole "carbon neutral" thing. I don't get it. How can anyone like Al Gore say they're "carbon neutral" if they need 10,000 plus trees planted twice a year just to replace the carbon they produce. Do you see what I mean? What they're doing is using up even more resources that could be used for better things. If they weren't using so much carbon in the first place those trees wouldn't be canceling out Al Gore they would be canceling out termite farts and stuff. What those people with carbon offsets are doing is allowing the carbon produced by other means to not be cancelled out. Those trees could be canceling out other carbon. If you really believe in CO2 caused global warming then carbon offsets are the most selfish thing to buy in the world. I'm starting to think Al Gore isn't smart enough to think things through.
If you really believe in CO2 caused global warming then carbon offsets are the most selfish thing to buy in the world.
Heretic! Margaret, what are you thinking? Don't Let Pope Red Square XIII hear you utter those false claims!
The selling of Carbon Indulgences is central to the financial stability of The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists! Also known as the Goremons.
We stone heretics!
Think! This is just like when that idiot Martin Luther came along and said that buying indulgences from the Roman Catholic Church would not guarantee your soul going to heaven when you croak.
You want to go to Climatology Heaven don't you? Well, start coughing up the cash and buy some Carbon Indulgences to offset your carbon sins!
In Climatology Heaven the weather is a balmy 78 degrees Fahrenheit all the time, kinda like Hawaii. The water is crystal clear and pure, there's always a light breeze, and if you buy enough Carbon Indulgences you can purchase as many virgins as you like and you don't have to become a martyr to get them. $oro$ has already purchased a billion virgins for when he takes a dirt nap.
I think your Carbon Thetan level needs audited. It's definitely not registering as "clear carbon".
"As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the carbon offset springs"
Splitter! We're Goremons not The Morons. Are you trying to form another sect?
Only the True Believers are Goremons!
We might have to use the Holy Stone if you keep this up!
Repent apostate!
Algore Akbar!
Rev. L. Space Dogged
Wait... make up yawls mind! Are we Goremons or Morons? I like the Goremons! It's catchy, it has mass appeal, the proletariat should flock right to it.
And I have great idea for a hymn: "Onward Algore Soldiers"
Onward Algore Soldiers
Marching off to WAR!!!
We will bomb and we kill
All Global Warming Deniers.
All Climate Deniers are infidels!
We must keep Socialism pure!
Onward Algore Soldiers
Killing Denier Infidels!
Watch them goosestep
Right into your homes!
Search out blaspemy,
Where'ver it may hide!
Good. Our new Church already has a name, a prophet, a hymn, a Holy Rock, Carbon Indulgencies to support its operations, and the description of Climatology Heaven to lure new converts.
I propose to make using Al Gore's ritual Global Warming Jelly a required practice at our Goremon rites. It does not replace Global Warming Vodka, but compliments and enhances its action.
Oh, and we already have an architectural design for the world's first Reformed Latter-Day Climatology Cathedral -
what would the mass/worship of the Goremons entail.
"Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem early because they took the Prius"
".....and so David slew Goliath and burned out the evil giant's Hummer to"
And story of Chanukah's could also be altered . the lamps burned for eight days NOT because of divine intervention, BUT because somebody replaced the oil with an eco-friendly florescent light bulb
Can I be a Bishop?? Oh please please please pretty please!!!! I want to be a Bishop! I want flashy robes and rings of gold and precious stones and unlimited power!! Oh pretty please, someone anoint me! I know the Gorespel! I KNOW THE GORESPEL!
Well the Messiah story is easy. Al Gore was born on a cotton plantation in the Deep South while his mammy sung him the union label song. (Al was born at 27) The hot southern sun spoketh to him, and said "Thou shalt go out amongst the deniers and bringith my message. If they shalt not listen, then I shall smite them, and their seas will rise 20 feet, and unpredictable hurricanes will flood their under prepared cities that lie 6 feet below sea level. For I am the God of Global Warming. Thou shalt have no Gods before me!
(According to anti-capitalists, God couldn't have flooded the Earth. That is supernatural and has no place in the public discourse. But mankind damn sure could have flooded it. That's science, and you shall burn if you don't believe it, heretic!)
This way we have our Messiah story and flood story in one neat package. Now, we just need a creation story.
Rik
PS I love the rock. I want to craft one, and start wearing it. I want it inscribed "Al Gore said it. I Believe it. That settles it."
We already have a creation story and its called The Divine Reformed All Inclusive Evolution of Macaca into Humyn Beings. But please, allow me to refresh everyone’s memory on just what that is.
OK... you see, about 65 trillion kabillion zillion years ago the evil Lord Allen enslaved billions of aliens on this planet and subjected them to hard labor without a living wage, universal healthcare, flextime, and daycare. This made these aliens very angry and full of revolutionary zeal. With the banner of Lenin, these aliens decided to unionize in response to these outrageous crimes against nature. This made Lord Allen Prince of Hatemongering very upset and with all his power he vanquished these alien working class heroes to the land of shadows and dust (Detroit) where their souls remain to this day. Now then, since evil Lord Allen didn't have any slaves to whip and deny universal healthcare to, he had no other choice but to create new and improved slaves. So, he took the souls of the aliens, combined them with macaca, and before you can slap Janet Reno on the ass to watch her giggle *BOOM* Humyn beings were born! OK... so, because we have these alien souls in us (or what we Goremons call "Carbon Thetans") it is VERY VERY VERY important that we (collectively, mind you) donate as much money as possible to The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists to rid ourselves of Carbon Thetans which make us do bad things like driving SUVs, voting republican, and the most unholy of sins - deny the existence of Global Warming! <gasp!>
I hope this makes perfect sense to everybody... because its science, and to disagree with it makes you an idiot and unworthy to live.
Can I be a Bishop?? Oh please please please pretty please!!!!
Yes, you can be a Bishop. Just stay away from the alter boys or we'll have to make you a Cardinal.
Excellent explanation of Gorenetics too.
On to the crucifixtion....In the year 2000 CE (Carbon Era) Al Gore was crucified by the evil George Xenu Bush, who changed his middle initial to "W" to hide the fact that he took 75 million necro-proxies who were going to vote for Gore into DC-8 Douglas airliners and dumped them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. This created all the Carbon Thetans that have taken over liberal souls and they can only be released by buying Carbon Indulgences. Conservatives need not bother buying indulgences because they'll always be a -40 (Total Failures) on the CT (Carbon Thetan) scale.
Gore was put into a tomb and sealed with a giant Weather Rock. In the 6th year after his crucifixtion, Climatology angels removed the Holy Stone and Al Gore rose from his political grave to walk the Earth and preach an Inconvienient Truth and sell Indulgences to free the 75 million necro-proxies Carbon Thetans so they can vote in 2008 CE. For this he was given the Sacred Oscar which is coveted by Climatologists and Scientologists alike.
Don't forget my fellow disciples, that our Goreacle attemted to proselytize to the great unwashed many years ago with his prophetic text, Earth in the Balance. Unfortunately the big words and high concepts were too much for the government school educated masses, so the Goreacle turned to a more accepted medium for his grandiose propaganda, the movies.
Distraught, Goreacle walked alone for forty days in the spacious gardens of his mansion, eating only what his chefs brought unto him. There he was visited by the sprits of Riefenstahl and Goebbels. They brought unto the Goreacle (PBUH) the ancient secrets of cinematography. The Prophet then left his gardens, shaved his beard, and ventured forth in his limousine to the land of Holly Trees.
I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com
I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com
I wholeheartedly concur!!!
Also, I would like to propose that The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology be made the Official state religion. Of course, we have to make this proposal through the Politburo for approval. I think will breeze right through!
Are we good or are we good? All other outdated religious propagandas that lead the people astray were not anywhere near as fast as we were in founding ours. Just three days and it manifest itself. We give thanks to our Angel Al Gore.
While were all taking up positions in the new climatology kurch, can I be a pope? A pope under prophet Red Square and the messenger Al Gore? I could wear a rock necklace, with priestly like robes and a really big hat.
What should we do with Tipper Gore? I mean, is she to become the Virgin Mother or the Whoring Mother in our Progressive Faith?
Couldn't she be both, esteemed Chairman, in the classical sense of a Goddess? An heirophant of the new faith.
At any rate, she brings great gravitas as former co-founder of the Parents Music Resource Center, or PMRC. But instead of trying to ban or censor "offensive" music, she can turn her efforts towards curtailing the emission of anthropogenic greenhouse gases (AGG).
Yes, Tipper will head the People's Carbon Resource Center (PCRC) and demand that every AGG-enabling product on the market must come with a global-warming warning label.
Every can of beans will have to display the following message:
Warning: The consumption of this product may lead to the formation and expellation of flatulence, which contains methane, a deadly anthropogenic greenhouse gas that will, indubitably, increase the chances of a catastrophic climatologic event if introduced into the atmosphere.
HEY ASSHOLE! IF YOU LOVE THE EARTH, STOP FARTING! It's a winner slogan, comrades. Toilet humor hooks 'em every time.
Yes, Tipper will head the People's Carbon Resource Center (PCRC) and demand that every AGG-enabling product on the market must come with a global-warming warning label.
Wouldn't it be too ca$h consuming to regulate products with guilt turning safety warnings? I think such monies should be used to build Youth Centers for inner-city kids so that they can vandalize and have a safe venue for drug deals - not to mention keep them from their "parents" and provide a Party approved "mentor" in substitution of these "parents" the cons speak of. Hmm... maybe it would be more fiscal to just regulate flatuence and limit the average villagers waste disposal to once a week. Yes, I can see the proles pooping (toliet humor!) only once a week to help curb AGG emissions. Ohh! Ohh! We could also sell more Carbon Credits to the proles so that they may poop twice or maybe three times a week! Of course these "pooping" Carbon Credits will be very expensive and will be directly diverted to Party coffers upon purchase (and our private slush funds in off-shore bank accounts).
Ohh! Ohh! We could also sell more Carbon Credits to the proles so that they may poop twice or maybe three times a week! Of course these "pooping" Carbon Credits will be very expensive and will be directly diverted to Party coffers upon purchase (and our private slush funds in off-shore bank accounts).
Ohh! Ohh! Maybe we can be the first to sell Carbon Credit Cards? With all your purchases on the Carbon Credit Card for Progress, TRCLDC aka Goremons will deduct an annual 18.75% APR to plant trees in Zimbabwe after another 20% is deducted for Robert Mugabe's cut. This CCCP is not to be confused with Al Gore's CCCP or the former Soviet Union. We'll just let Mugabe confiscate some productive farmland from whitey and plant trees instead of crops. His people are starving to death now because of a policy of his that's almost similar to what we're offering, so why wouldn't he go for the cash? We'll be offsetting carbon, reducing human carbon footprints, and helping a Third World dicatorship....the admirable goal of progressives everywhere!
Carbon Credit Cards would make it easier too, to take up the offerings. Instead of having to push those carts all around our mega-kurch. Just have the offering conveniently debited from your account every Tuesday.
Since everyone is looking for positions in our glorious new church, can I be it's Grand Inquisitor ? I think I could do a great job at hunting down heretics and counter-revolutionaries, and getting them to repent. Or if I am to busy with Church skulduggery then I can just .... KILL THEM! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! YES!!!!
Folks, you forget that Progressivism is already a religion. Can't prove it, make exactions, snub doubters--throw 'em in jail if you can, tax them as much as possible. Priests--Gore. Priestcraft--Earth in the Lurch or his latest papal bull, A Convenient Lie. Accolytes, pilot fish feeding from the scraps left over by the big sharks like Algore and Our Many Titted Empress, and that rising open-mouthed, pop-eyed star Nansky Peloski.
But we have achieved the ultimate in religion. One by definition has to take a religion on faith. But progressivism has, get this, been proven not to work and people still want it. Think on this. It's either wilful stupidity or viciousness or mind-destroying lemming-like behavior.
If you wonder where the Flat Earth Society went, they have been absorbed. They're the buggy whip makers of the True Progressive Movement.
Since we are going to have a church of climatology, what about as our motto, a big picture of Algore, with the words, "He bought carbon credits for your sins"?
Since we are going to have a church of climatology, what about as our motto, a big picture of Algore, with the words, "He bought carbon credits for your sins"?
Word!
--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Grand Inquisitor, Reformed Church of Latter Day Climatology.
"Vee haf vays to make you talk!"
Mugabe is such a nice man and an inspiration to us all. I am sooo happy that the Rhodesians... uhh... Zimbabwians...uhhh.... Zimbabwers... awwaah f**k, whatever they're called, elected him to begin with (I'm sure the necro-proxy vote was high).
But yes, let us all sign up for Carbon Credit Cards and also allow migrant workers to have them too! Then they can register to vote Democrat since their CCC will also serve as a LEGITIMATE photo-ID.
I humbly beseech thee for the boon of a carbon indulgence, as I have just burnt the toast...
You are blessed my child, although I had to check the "Script"ures and verify "Burnt Toast". I thought it was the first incarnation of Spinal Tap.
I didn't know it was about the GREATEST CANADIAN THAT EVER LIVED.
Quote
Frenology.
Phrenology, the study of head bumps. Damn Texans, just like Bush, can't spell.
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"He bought carbon credits for your sins"?
Nice, but I like "Carbon Footprints" better. See above.
Meow, this nation is the most advanced in the world, although our quest for socialism, once fulfulled, will end that lowering all to uniform misery, er, an equitable distribution of the assets of the zero-sum, er, finite earth.
No doubt Robert Mugabe did have a large necro-proxy vote, but here in AmeriKKKa, we have a dead person buying carbon credits. And running for president.
So I humbly advance that we are the most progressive of all nations, and will remain so until all are groaning under the yoke of socialism, all having nothing but us, er, until everyone has a just portion of the earth's resources, distributed in an earth-friendly manner by judges trained in fairness. Who will be suitably rewarded, as fits their moral stature.
...Lupe. Lupe! How many times have I told you to be careful with those pictures of the dean of Harvard law with that puta! That fool insists on contract law when that's just what we don't want. I may have to send some pictures to his wife. Lupe! Lupe!
Yes, I misspelt phrenology, you phucker. In a fit of jealousy, I was trying to lick my balls. Laika, we bipeds are testiculosculatorily challenged and I nearly threw out my back. I am going to demand equal testiculosculatory rights. But I do not care for the analingual rights.
But I would like to know how Algore, who, I have settled, is our necropresident, manages to not only write a book cribbed from the Unabomber, have his own movie, and do it with his head up his ass. I suppose that the coffin he rises from is a piano-moving box.
Laika, you've spent too many hours listening to your master's voice. Anyone with such a knowledge of modern doggerel, and adapting it in (admittedly good) paradiorthosis will soon be watching American Idol.
You sir, are a cur, and honestly, I have never watched the show. Seriously.
I hear about it at the office and I shudder.
I'd rather watch "The Gong Show" re-runs with the "Unknown Comic", "Gene, Gene, The Dancing Machine", and Jaye P. Morgan. Unfortunately TV Land hasn't grabbed the syndication rights yet, but they do have "The Addams Family" on now.....way better than "The Munsters".
Yes, Addams is better than Munsters, but pales in comparison to the original The New Yorker cartoons by Charles Addams. I was addicted to TV Land but cannot now brook it owing to the fact that I spent six months or so, skirting death, with nothing but that on. Do you realize how your world shrinks when you know what time in the early morning that MacGyver comes on and that you have seen shows of that dreadful Michael Landon series Highway to Heaven? I have castigated people in these pages for the treacle excesses of KC's Crown Center but they are nothing compared to me comparing episides of Highway to Heaven. This brings to mind a definition of kitsch
Milan Kundera wrote
Kitsch causes two tears to flow in quick succession. The first tear says: How nice to see children running on the grass! The second tear says: How nice to be moved, together with all mankind, by children running on the grass! It is the second tear that makes kitsch kitsch.
Check the wikipedia article on that, and on totalitarian kitsch; must tell Red about that.
Nothing wrong with TV Land but memories for me. So strong that I just bought a new house called at the suggestion of a friend Vita Nova. Since my physician says that it is very likely that I'll be able to grind out cigarette butts in the eyes of objectionable people for decades to come, and I'm taking up smoking just to do it. And because it pisses off the sort of people that I like to piss off. Some people just look better with their arteries about to pop; everyone can be given a florid complexion with a little attention to detail, a rhetorical swipe of the claymore, and a blunderbuss polemic attack. And considering that it comes from someone who wandered off the reservation, it's good for about, oh, 20 diastolic points.
My fantasy is not an erotic one, but locking horns with a member of an accredited victim group who sniffs at me and says, "You wouldn't say that if you were xxx."
To which the answer is, and I play it in my mind like a psychotic's fugue, "Be careful sniffing like that when wearing a tie; you could inhale it and choke, and anyway, I'm not xxxx. I'm gay and I win the victimology sweepstakes. Gay is the new xxxx. Gay is trumps. I win."
Both "The Addams Family" and "The Munsters" are shows that depict capitalist reich-wing "traditional family" propaganda and I highly - yes, I said highly - recommend that no one views such decadent filth. Now then, if the Addams or the Munsters had one man, one man, a social worker womyn, three lesbians, a wanted child and at least several adopted multi-ethnic children all wearing traditional dress and speaking their mother tongue... then, and only then, would that be an acceptable "family" show for viewing enjoyment.
I'm ashamed of you Laika for watching such crap and hope you come to your senses. Now take this milkbone as a token of my appreciation and please excuse me... Leave it to Beaver is coming on and my TV dinner in the microwave is done.
Are you saying that I would not have to beat the hell out of you to get you to talk? If true, I am absolutely giddy with delight! Finally! An easy one! Unlike Comrade Pelosivich. The skin on that ass is like 10 layers of leather!!! Good thing I had my Jedi Light Saber with me. Sonuvabitch, she was a tough one!!!
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"Or keeping us out of your wallet."
Or anyone else's. That like so does not bother me. What does bother me is running out of Cuervo for my Margaritas.
LUPE!!! Off to the Liquor Store and fetch more Cuervo 1800 for my Margaritas!
Care for a nice cold Margarita Commissar Doctor Theocritus??? Lupe makes them herself! I find a nice cold Margarita to be very relaxing after a hard day of beating the hell out of Global Warming infidels and other types of Counter-Revolutionaries. All in The Algore's name, of course!
LUPE!!! Get to the Liquor Store!!! Put the pupusa down DAMMIT!!! More Cuervo!!!! ˇAhora!
Meow, I bow to your impeccable Socialist tendencies. But recall The Munsters. Herman looks much like Algore; Morticia like Barbara Boxer; Grandmama like Barbara Mikulski; Uncle Fester like Senator Leaky Leahy; and Lurch can be no one other than John Effing Kerry.
Let's never forget the hidden meanings in TV Land though. What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
"Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
By the way, why are you throwing Laika a milkbone?
It is that episode! WOW, you guys are good. Ummm... I think the next one coming on is the one with Wally and Eddie hiding in a darkened corner while secretly video-taping Ward and June in the sack (Oh yes, they push the beds together in this episode!!!!). Speaking of "beavers", where is Her Excellency and the Madam Speaker??? Just becuase Her Grace is in Syria doesn't mean she can't log on and grace us with her beaver.
Actually that was the episode when June had been pumped by Ward in her pearls, and the kids, watching the videotape were so marred by it that Beaver started using that as his drag name in West Hollywood, falling so far as to make a guest appearance on Roseanne.
If he continues to plummet he'll surpass the free-fall career speed of Jerry Rivers, pardon, Geraldo Rivera, who went from gang member to lawyer to talk-show host.
Ah! I got it! I meant to say frenology; Red accuses me of making the most genital jokes and I have to go along with any self-fulfillling prophecy.
It is on this theory that the polar icecaps will melt if Algore isn't elected President.
But wait. I don't believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. What if one applies to me...What's that I hear? A nasal voice whining "Memories...like the..."
My god! It's an albino aardvark selling $300 tickets to silly queens! That's it. I'm going to order a Sports Illustrated subscription on line and I promise I'll pay attention to the scores instead of look at the asses.
I saw geese flying in a circle today. It was snowing here at the Heinz Compound in Western Pennsylvania. According to the Book of Albert's Revelations, that is like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
"And behold, a flock of geese flew in a circle, knowing not which way to goeth in April, because of the snowfall when it should be Globally Warming."
When we see Teri Heinz Kerry dressed differently from Lupe who got shit-faced, stole my Platinum AmEx card and went on a shopping spree at Federico's de Bollywood, then that's a portent.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Today I saw a flock of seagulls crapping on cars at Wal-Mart! And I ran, I ran so far away fearing that the end was nigh! THE END IS NIGH! THE END IS NIGH! Of course everyone looked at me and began throwing shopping carts at me... I couldn't get away.
The flock of seagulls crapping on cars at WalMart was an improvement on a Flock of Seagulls crapping in car radios in the 80s.
Cheap joke; they weren't a bad one-trick pony, but then those were my days of wine, --men and song, and so I view them through rose-tinted glasses. Ma vie en rose.
Do you suppose that Nanski will return in a burqa? Or is it our Many Titted Empress who might return with one? But it would take the entire year's output of Omar's One-Price Tent Makers to cover her two-time-zones ass. But would a burqa even be noticeable on Nanski with those lemur-like eyes?
When Hillary is conscious and there is not a dull roar, that's a sign. When she's asleep, we hear the same sounds we heard in Reagan (the girl)'s room in The Exorcist. Pazuzu speaking through our Empress. Projectile green ichor vomit.
I suspect that Michael Moore is hungry enough for power, and food, that that in and of itself may have contributed to his ginormous fatness.
No, Nanski will return naked, drunk and foaming around the mouth with her new powers.
Ummm.... why does John McCain appear on the Ad banner??? I mean, we're communist here and will vote multiple times for Hillary/Obama in '08? Don't get me wrong, McCain is an acceptable choice for a Vice Premier. He did save us from ourselves with his dashing maverick ways and made many deals with The Party.
HILLARY BANNER FOR THE PEOPLE, NOW! (that means you Google!)
Ah, Meow. I see it all so clearly now. McCain wanted campaign finance reform to tinker with the soft cash doled out by Archer Daniels Midland, the biggest welfare queen in American history. Ethanol. Animal feed. And has anyone ever thought that he was channeling Henry Ross Perot on some level? WHO IS NOT A NATIVE TEXAN, by the way, goddamn it. He comes from Slick Willie's state
Gospodin Zampolit, has Lupe returned with your Cuervo? You know that if you're real nice, Sammy Hagar will give you some of his grand reserve tequila, Cabo Wabo. I like mine mixed with cryoprecipitate 8. So what if a few hemophiliacs exsanguinate? They might be Romanoffs after all.
I must confess, Gospodin; ever since I read Brideshead Revisited (and I really honestly missed the homoerotic substance in it while canoodling in my puppy wuv--honestly) I have fashioned myself as a faded Edwardian Dandy--strawberries and champagne on the banks of the Oxford. Aloysious the teddy bear, Sebastian Flyte, and all that.
Champagne be damned. Gimme a slug of Bombay Sapphire and make the martini the Churchill way. With a bow toward France. And speaking of Winnie, does the honorable Gospodin's hospitality extend to a Churchill rolled against the thighs of a virgin Cuban? If you're out, I have a special selection sent me from Fidel, muled in by Raul of all people. He's really not a hard-liner, and we can do business with him. He butters good and I have on loan some of the Faberge eggs to promote the People's Paradise with, and if Steve Forbes doesn't quit hollering about them, HRC will pay him a visit to 'splain things to him.
Care for any options on a sugar-cane plantation? It's amazing what the Senoritas will do for a little Dove soap, I'm reliably told. Me, I have hot-and-cold running pool boys. Chacun a son gout. De gustibus non est disputandum. And all that good shit.
A well made Margarita, with copious amounts of Cuervo and Ethanol, is without a doubt one of the finer pleasures in life. Even more so than being anally serviced by Bashar al-Assad. Right Comrade Pelosivich??? Don't play coy with me bitch! I know your back in town!. Don't get me wrong!!! I enjoy a good martini too! And YES INDEED!!! I have quite a few Churchhills and Robustos in the old humidor. I think a few of them are Romeo y Juliettas that say "Hecho en Habana" on the band!
Soaping up those lovely senoritas on the Sugar Cane plantations is indeed a great deal of fun!
And Yes! Indeed I would enjoy some sugar-cane options! Now that the Algore has spoken, Sugar-cane will be a seriously important source for Ethanol. All the more better for our Margaritas!!!
LUPE!!!! Another Margarita for the Commissar and myself. And best you not drag dat azz dis time!
Goodness... I was beginning to wonder, looking back at my posts of the last several days if perhaps I was finally losing it... the result of mixing too many medications for too long, or simply the pain from my hip getting to me, but appears that much of the Cube has gone mad...
I believe spring has arrived... and someone has slipped wormwood in the still again...
nice, very nice... i'm new to the cube but am enjoying it already.
JP
"A dark evil will rise from the great city of the new world. Many will follow her not knowing the truth. She will attempt to make peace with the warriors of Muhammad. There will be no peace as fire falls upon her land." The quatrains of Nostraduamus
Gospodin Zampolit Blokhayev, I cannot speak about the pleasures of being anally serviced, although Nansky might. Perhaps she has contracted with Doc Johnson for a three-phase butt plug which explains her exopthalmia. If it shorted out, that would explain her hair.
Has anyone seen Barbara Boxer lately?
This makes me recall SMO's Hildo 7.0. We had decided that a party with Hillary, Janet, and Maureen would be nice, but never did get around to extending the tool. I propose the Hildo Hydra. Using an Intel Core 2 Duo it might be able to configue one using galvanic skin response and respiration and blood-oxygen levels to insure that all felt good at the same time. Each starting at her own pace, but slowly and surely, with the deft touch of Balanchine or Graham, getting into synch. Of course the rinal result would be so noisy that it would require the services of an outdoor area, or at least the Skydome--with the dome open.
Yes, there has been a recall on the 7.0 after sectarian insurgent backlash (not to mention the whiplash, damn ....that thing has torque) from the Goremans on the Hildo 7.0 not being enviromentally friendly. Diesel is out, hybrid is in.
Our engineers will take your considerations into account Dr.Theocritus when designing the 7.1
Hell, Janet, Maureen and I had to buy 75,000 Carbon Indulgences for our last session alone and that hurts my campaign cash flow.
Expect the Hildo Hydra Hybrid (H3 7.1) at your finer Adult stores in the weeks to come. It'll be in the same aisle as The Orgasmatron.
I think you're thinking of a different Cube member... I lean toward KitchenAid Stand Mixers - not that there's anything wrong with Hildos or anything...
That's nothing new SMO, Theocritus is always getting his wires crossed.
Next he'll be claiming you came up with MY healthcare program.
The important thing is that he contributed to advancing the cause of secondary and tertiary sexual characteristics with his improvements to the Hildo and helping to stop Global Warming. Two tricks for the price of one!
My empress, no one but you could come with Hillarycare. No one but you could hire Ira Magaziner to do it. Genius! After he cost GE $200 million for rotary compressors for refrigerators and they didn't work. After he screwed up Volvo and Sweden. Sheer genius! You have a perfect eye for the perfect man to screw up something perfectly. I understood exactly your idea. When people are young, they need no health care. If they need it, they're not good workers, and so we don't need them. If they're old, when you need health care, then they can't work, so who needs them? To the wall with anyone who can't work the fields! Genius, my empress.
And, yes, sometimes I do get my wires crossed. I'm not a moonbat. I'm a fruitbat.
By the way, are you sure that you want to remove the word diesel? That word alone attracts some females of the odd sort who work on trucks. They are properly called "diesel dykes."
And, Empress, sitting here 11 storeys above the Riverwalk in San Antonio, tossing ice cubes at the proles below, it came to me that there is a way to increase the marketability of the H3 7.1. Replaceable tips.
For some people, I'd suggest oil cooling. But the only oil sufficiently thin even at those temperatures, is poison. So I suggest that the material be Kevlar. Or Lexan, perhaps; if a drunk cannot beat through a Lexan liquor-store window, it seems unlikely that Molly Yard could break one off.
And for those girls with, shall we say, another problem, let me suggest a carborundum-coated tip to break off the bits of rust. Janet comes to mind. The only problem is that the H3 7.1 would no longer be envirobnmentally friendly for the sound of it at work on Janet would be like an 50-ton truck full of live pigs locking the brakes at 80 miles an hour. (Pace Gilbert Shelton, and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothes, another Austin transport to S.F. When it was straight. Hippie but straight.)
Knew them well...Fat Freddy & his Cat, Phineas, and Freewheelin' Franklin.
They're the ones who introduced me to vitamin K.
Apparently they gave a you a cup of "Tee Hee Hee".
Correct?
Chairman Meow doesn't know it, but Fat Freddy's Cat calls him every time Fat Freddy pulls his tail.
Knew them well...Fat Freddy & his Cat, Phineas, and Freewheelin' Franklin.
They're the ones who introduced me to vitamin K.
Apparently they gave a you a cup of "Tee Hee Hee".
Correct?
Chairman Meow doesn't know it, but Fat Freddy's Cat calls him every time Fat Freddy pulls his tail.
Actually, the cat's line was, "I'll get you for that, you fat fucker."
And the time he laid an egg in his shorts while Fat Freddie was taking a shower and Freddie let out a yell: "Such range. Such timber."
The time he was locked in the apartment while "his friends were fighting and f-changed to-ornicating."
Freddie comes in and says, "I smell cat shit but I can't find it." The cat smiles and waves of stink rise from the potted plant high on the wall.
The wars with Commander Cockroach. "Sir! Our ambassadors have been killed!"
"There's millions more where those came from." I wonder if there are millions more of Micheal or whatever his name is. Boy I missed something there, and I can hardly wait for a reappearance. I'm loaded for bear.
The time that the cat refused to eat the food and Freddie blew a hit into a paper bag, said he would administer some appetite stimulant, and the cat started eating with red eyes. "This is delicious. I think I'll start on the garbage next."
I once had a cat named Fat Freddie's Cat. She lived to be 14 and I miss her.
The time that Phineas got his comic books from Texas and opened the box. A huge Texas cockroach jumped out, with four arms. The cat decided to attack and the roach flung him about by his whiskers. I was immerded in Houston at Rice for four years and I know they're called waterbugs but if it looks like a roach and it scampers like a roach, it's a roach. Every night they would hold square dances over my bed, with a challenge caller on the weekends.
And no, I never did drink any Tee-Hee-Hee. And if I could kick my legs in the air like that, I wouldn't have needed anyone else. And I'm not that disciplined, as General Gaylord said, except in my two-fisted abuse.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
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Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
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Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
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Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
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Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
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On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
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Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
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Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
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In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
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Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
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Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
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Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
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Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
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Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
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WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
