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Manchester scientist to clone 'British Man' from 9th century

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A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.

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The fossilized remains were discovered in Wessex, at the supposed site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated "The Heathen Army" of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.

The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles (a left one and a right one), which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today's residents of the British Isles.

Attached to the testicles were two fully developed legs and a solid, erect spine that allowed him to stand tall. As if that weren't enough, Testiculus Englishmanus had a pair of strong arms with powerful hands, making them ideal to form fists or use weapons.

"I was totally shocked to see the testicles," said the study's lead researcher, Peter Sanstestes. "For a week on end, I actually went back to the specimen every day just to look at them again, to make sure that I wasn't seeing things."

The well-preserved remains give researchers an unfettered view of the creature, whose anatomy has stumped anthropologists for decades. "It is so odd-looking that some people thought the fossilized body parts belonged to several different people instead of just one," Sanstestes said. "Fortunately, we now have the fossils, and they almost speak for themselves."

"Look at those fists," said Emmeline Pankhurst, a research fellow in paleobiology at the University of Manchester in the United Kingdom. "You can easily imagine them thwarting off attackers of British girls. If we could clone such men, we wouldn't need to worry about protecting ourselves from the modern-day Heathen Army."

This gave her an idea to extract the ancient DNA and grow a live specimen of the creature in a lab. Ms. Pankhurst's project is only at its earliest stage, and while the British government has categorically refused to fund the study, the young scientist has been able to raise a substantial sum with crowdfunding via the Internet.

"A little over a decade ago, it would have been nearly laughable to think that such a project was possible, or even needed," she said. "Today my idea has raised half a million pounds in one week. The donations are coming from every English-speaking country and beyond."

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Somewhere here, between the Alpen and Nordsee, similar remnants of Spinarectus Allemanus still awaiting retrieval.

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That's all well and good, but how does "British Man" stand on transgender rights? I mean, is he going to only defend women with vaginas? Because . . . well, you know . . .

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Great Stalin's Ghost wrote:That's all well and good, but how does "British Man" stand on transgender rights? I mean, is he going to only defend women with vaginas? Because . . . well, you know . . .
Given the fossil's age, he's clearly going to need extensive reeducation in today's modern discourse of intersectional social justice.

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And how did the testicles of this specimen survive all these years when most flesh would have deteriorated?

They are made of solid brass. (And I hear they are still shiny.)

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Mrs. Red Square wrote: The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles (a left one and a right one), which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today's residents of the British Isles.

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We can rest assured that no similar modern-theory-shattering discovery of ancient yarbles will be emerging from France.

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Ivan Betinov wrote:... They [you know what] are made of solid brass ...
yeah, put in brass... seems an even more equally save space than kollektive formaldehyd, ja?

(and also, the climate wasn't yet changed™ by then. Lysenkomann sure knows more.)

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Perhaps we should start a GoFundMe account so we can buy the Brits a supply of these since theirs disappeared into the dust bin of history.



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But Comrades, just think consider -- what a wonderful market proletarian workforce we now have of castrati to sing Handel, Hasse, Porpora, and all the other 18C. music again without resorting to countertenors and mezzos, let alone surgery. (The surgeons are all busy with trans people anyway.)

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When they realized socialism was incompatible with industrialization the Left said everyone should be against industrialization.

When they realized that multiculturalism was institutionalized racism and bigotry and they are racist bigots the Left said everyone is a racist and a bigot.

When they realized they were weenies without any balls the Left said everyone is a weenie without any balls.

The best way to respond to that is to kick 'em in the nuts.

"There you go, Shirley. Now you got the voice to match."

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sigh... with those real balls going (already gone?) extinct, the survival of the I'll-bust-your-balls tribe also seems iffy.

(oh wait, Comradette Meow's suggestion provides a path: first, propagate Wagner's Brünnhilde into splendid baroque cantatas, and second, reserve Brünnhilde's part for I'll-bust-your-ball-ers!)

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Genosse Dummkopf wrote:sigh... with those real balls going (already gone?) extinct, the survival of the I'll-bust-your-balls tribe also seems iffy.
You are SO right GD. There's slim pickings in the ball bustin arena these days. : (

They have actually been added to the endangered species list.

TOP ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST

1. The Vaquita

2. Amur Leopard

3. Javan Rhinoceros

4. Northern Sportive

5. Western Lowland Lemur Gorilla

6. The Saola

7. Leatherback Sea Turtle

8. The Tiger

9. Chinese Giant Salamander

10. Ivory Billed Woodpecker

11. Male Homo Sapien with Balls


The only male homo sapien with balls to bust that's coming up on my radar is at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC. My surveillance is indicating that they are protected by an eleven foot high fence and I'm just not as agile as I use to be. So, I am trying to distract myself from self pity by toiling in the beet field and releasing my BallBustin aggression on some annoying coyotes.

Don't worry though, I will survive.

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Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin wrote:... The only male homo sapien with balls to bust that's coming up on my radar is at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, DC ...
but, but, but, Comradette Clara, don't even think of busting THAT one.

It would end with :
a) you investing (by some mysterious magic) all your assets in buying a famous white DC mansion
b) by more magic, THAT one will turn out to live in that mansion, even adding a certain Melania
c) coyotes of the world will unite in laughing their asses off, while acting like Road Runners.


besides :
COYOTES OF THE SOUTH, UNITE (in protecting y'all balls) !

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Clara... there's a park named after you in Leipzig, Germany!
.

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Genosse Dummkopf wrote:(in protecting y'all balls) !

A little language lesson GD.....it's not y'all balls it's y'all's balls. See? Easy as math. ;)

Since we're on the subject of balls, how about GREAT BALLS OF FIRE?



I was fortunate to see Mr. Lewis perform this song in person.

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Comrade Putout wrote:.
Clara... there's a park named after you in Leipzig, Germany!
.

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Yes Comrade Putout,

That's where I go to trap squirrels for coyote bait feed the sweet little squirrels that love to eat my pecans.


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alack, Genosse Doppelganger...

Straight out of Leipzig, thusly speaking Sächsisch, that (terrible) dialect - where Leipzig (laiptsig) becomes Leipzysch (laiptsysh).

And then, as if Sächsisch weren't awful enough, it was GDR-Newspeak-Sächsisch!


add-on :
Genossin Clara, spasiba for seminar in testicular math-linguistics! tyepyer' fsyo panyatno!

y'all balls : typically 2, sometimes 1, and newly pretty often 0.
y'all's balls : say, case UK: asymptotically converging to 0, +2 newfound (Testiculus Englishmanus).

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Apparently, descendants of Testiculus Englishmanus existed as recently as the 20th Century...
Churchill Thompson.jpg
...I hope that any of my friends and colleagues, or former colleagues, who are affected by the political reconstruction, will make allowance, all allowance, for any lack of ceremony with which it has been necessary to act. I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."
We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim?
I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realised; no survival for the British Empire, no survival for all that the British Empire has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, "come then, let us go forward together with our united strength."

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Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:
Apparently, descendants of Testiculus Englishmanus existed as recently as the 20th Century...
Churchill Thompson.jpg
...I hope that any of my friends and colleagues, or former colleagues, who are affected by the political reconstruction, will make allowance, all allowance, for any lack of ceremony with which it has been necessary to act. I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."
We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim?
I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realised; no survival for the British Empire, no survival for all that the British Empire has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, "come then, let us go forward together with our united strength."


Now those were some balls worthy of bustin.



 
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