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General Order 666-09

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I hate to do this Comrades, I really do, but sadly it must be done. Effective today, all clocks must have their hands removed, and all adjustable digital timers are banned. All software which shows time is also to be removed. You will all be issued People's Timepieces(TM) and People's Software Clocks(TM) which show the proper Party Approved Time(TM).

The problem is people are adjusting clocks, watches and computers to show the so called "proper" time, without regards to People's Time(TM). We simply cannot have people thinking time differs from what the State has ordered.

The order will be carried out by local party apparatchik supported by Red Guard forces, or any other local military forces that might be available. Commodore Snoogie Woogums has been given instructions to stop and board all watercraft in order to enforce this order at sea.

Remember Comrades, time is a valuable resource that belongs to The People(TM) and must be distributed in a fair and equitable fashion. People's Clocks(TM) are the order of the day. Dissenters will be accused of racism, and then shot.

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Does this mean that I get to drink vodka and vomit from being too drunk all at the same time?

Or go to sleep at the same time I get up?

Or find something I have lost before I misplace it?

How is this going to go?

I feel some kind of deja vu coming on right now.

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I agree Comrade Leninka, my offices would like to know the answers to these questions too. Does that mean we can count the votes before proles die and then recount them again when they die again? This could be a Revolucion in of itself comrades, just think what it will do for Lord Obama's slumping poll numbers!

Deja Vu De Carpe Dium La Revolucion!!!

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Does this mean there will be a new version of the Peoples Windows OS? I sure hope so because I can only beat my computer with a shovel so many times.

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Hurray! Now the polls can remain open as long as necessary for our Democrat candidate to win. No longer must we endure tedious court ordered recounts until our operatives create find enough absentee ballots from necro-voters to assure victory.

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What this means is all clocks will respond to a signal sent from my offices showing the proper time as we deem it fit. Not all people will be on the same time of course. Persons needing exemptions to this may file the appropriate forms.

Leninka, what it means is that The State will tell you when you can drink, and when it is time to vomit. Red Rooster, explain your time needs and we will prepare a version of People's Time(TM) for your needs. Comrade Whoopie, you have a computer? Most suspicious... and beating state issued equipment with a shovel? Hrmmm.... I suppose you have a license for that though.

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Comrade Colonel 7.62,
I think I found one of those People's Clocks:


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Colonel 7.62 wrote:I hate to do this Comrades, I really do, but sadly it must be done. Effective today, all clocks must have their hands removed, and all adjustable digital timers are banned. All software which shows time is also to be removed. You will all be issued People's Timepieces(TM) and People's Software Clocks(TM) which show the proper Party Approved Time(TM).

The problem is people are adjusting clocks, watches and computers to show the so called "proper" time, without regards to People's Time(TM). We simply cannot have people thinking time differs from what the State has ordered.

The order will be carried out by local party apparatchik supported by Red Guard forces, or any other local military forces that might be available. Commodore Snoogie Woogums has been given instructions to stop and board all watercraft in order to enforce this order at sea.

Remember Comrades, time is a valuable resource that belongs to The People(TM) and must be distributed in a fair and equitable fashion. People's Clocks(TM) are the order of the day. Dissenters will be accused of racism, and then shot.

Not so fast Colonel ...

This order is not internationally binding until the UN votes on this in the Security Council. Muammar Gaddafi will lead the debate.

Until then I have have been requested by Ms. Gawdawfulo to give this to her true love
Commissar Theocritus.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Red Rooster, explain your time needs and we will prepare a version of People's Time(TM) for your needs.


Glorious Colonel 7.62,

We require enough time to count the necro-proxy votes, hanging chads, and tax refund checks sent to the deceased and then count them again if possible. It would also be nice to have a random collection of time we could distribute to the deceased based on their race, class, gender, or political affiliation equally.

A space of time for sending all thoughtcriminals to so that they may consider their worthiness to The Party(TM) may also be good thing to have for all Inner Circle(TM) comrades to use to separate the wheat from the milkweed.

Hail Obama!

Commissar of Graveyard Entrances,

Red Rooster

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Yaaay, I can then stay up as long as needed to approve Party approvedpropaganda information pamphlets. That or run around shouting "Down with Kapitalizmz!" at BSU.

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Comrade Elliott,

If you ply Colonel 7.26 with enough vodka, he might allow you take a test first and study later.

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I'd point out the goofiness of said process, but I fear the thoughtpolice are still watching me, or trolls, so I'll just say, "I'm head'n to the beer store!"

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I see 7.62's magical meanings. This means that all five-year plans will henceforth work. We'll never have to have another five-year plan. The old one will be fine because we won't know.

But does this mean that an old 8086 computer will be just as fast as a 3.06GHz Intel Core Two Duo computer? Why did I throw out that old clunker?

And Castrate, your picture of Gawdawfulo tears at my heart. And my innards too. The last time she was at the Rancho I heard the door of my bedroom creak open and there was Dawgawfulo, who came in.

"Theocritus!" she breathed, smelling like a charnel house. "Jodin Morey won't breed me. I need to pump some UberProgs. Won't you step in and do the manly thing?"

Comrades, the gut-wrenching horrorhonor left me breathless. I passed out and when I woke, two days later, in a pool of dried vomit, she'd gone to play pat-a-cake with Keith Olbermann.

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Comrade Theo is correct on all counts. Five year plans will work, because we will make the years fit the plan, as opposed to the plan fitting the years. You may find Comrade Commissar, that an extra ration of time has been allotted to you this week as a reward for your equal observations.

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Commissar Theocritus is right on as usual.

Just in:
Details are sparse at this time, but I've acquired a photo of a recent marriage.

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Dear Rasputin,

Do you by chance have any video tapes of their wedding night? I would be most interested to see Comrade Moore consummate that union. Now I am used, from my experiences with Our Many Titted Empress at the Rancho, at delving into collops. Once I was, ahem, researching the collops of Our MTE and found a dozen dead nano Jimmy Carter rabbits which had foolishly gotten too close to her before she rolled over and swallowed them in her collops.

Once I was, at her insistence of course, digging into the folds of fat of our MTE and I found <i>The Rose Law Firm Papers!</i> They were there all along. Of course they were in sad shape owing to grease. But still, there they were.

Michael was at the Rancho and I had to put him into our MTE's bathroom--because it has a drain in the floor. He can't find his willy; his panniculus descends to his knees, and indeed it has its own panniculi. Everywhere Michael goes he trails pee, but then after seeing <i>Sicko</i>, that's no surprise, is it?
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Notice how the pee just drips down his legs. That's why he is such a magnificent combination with Barack Hussein Obama, who floats effortlessly above the madding crowd, and shits on us. Michael Moore piss and Barack shit. What could be better? Then they condescend to smile on us after the enlightenment! We are so lucky to have masters like this.

But, comrades, we must tend to Comrade Gawdawfulo. She keeps on howling at the door of the Rancho, and stropping all the furniture. With her leg hair she's wearing out the leather that I stole paid so much for, and it's that keening sound that's so hard to take.

I know that Jodin Morey is a bust. Aren't there any progressives who will take the plunge and make the Prog Who Will Come with Comradette Gawdawfulo?

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Sorry Theocritus, no video footage available. I'm thinking footage would be impossible as such a union could only take place in the 4th dimension. I've been working on a capable video device, but it's not ready yet.

Comradette Gawdawfulo: I thought she was Comradette Dr. Gawdawfulo? My sympathies for the howling and wear and tear on the Rancho. Does she ever take a break to do "24"?

She needs a hero:


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Ah, dear Rasputin, how did you know that you could so touch me with "I Need a Hero"? When the Goracle, the High Priest of the First Church of Climatology, had the election stolen from in in 2000, even with a Daley counting the votes for him, the world turned dark for me.

I too need a hero. I need a Prog who will make things right for me. I need a prog who will make sure that I'm never accountable. I need a prog who will wrap me in his/her/its arms and tell me that no matter what I do I'm not accountable.

I need a Prog Hero.

So I don't have to be one.

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How about Olympia Snow, a true Prog. When the chips are down, she sells her vote to the highest bidder. And she's lovely to look at, along with the Spechter, and whoever else that is pictured in the photo below.

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Let us be nice to Arlen--he's in deep shit right now. Amazing how people who switch to the Democrat party often wind up that way. But Arlen was always hampered by never having <i>huevos</i>.

As distinguished from brass balls.


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All Commandos; Execute Order 666-09.

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Comrades, I need advice on adjusting to the people's time (which I was just recently informed of). It seems to be moving at an inconstant rate (which is not a problem by any means, i am in no way in opposition; I'm loyal; I'm a mindless servant; PLEASE BELIEVE ME!!!) Recently, I noticed it was midnight at about the time I had assumed was lunch. I adjusted my sleep schedule accordingly, of course, in order to make curfew. This week midnight seems to be around sunset, which is manageable (not that it wasn't manageable before, the people's time is the best time). Unfortunately, the hours of 12 p.m. through 6 p.m. seem to bee shorter than those of, say, 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. The shadow on my sundial (WHICH IS NOT AN ADJUSTABLE CLOCK) shifted about 80 degrees during that interval. While I am sure the party-approved sleep schedule is the ideal standard, I would appreciate any advice on adjusting my frail proletariat mind to the decreed time of our glorious leaders.

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Comrade Top Secret (and oh yes, we know your name anyway) I congratulate you on your efforts to adjust to People's Time(TM). Your local Health Care Commissar can ration you some medication to speed up the adjustments to People's Time(TM).

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I suggest that you not worry about the time but instead bow to New York City, Cambridge, or Berkeley to find the true time. Because as a progressive your thinking is by definition not the proper thinking. Your thinking is <i>private</i> thinking.

The most important thing is that you have no ideas of your own. For example, if I thought for myself, and I don't because I regularly visit Jiffi-Lobo, I would wonder just WTF Lord Zero had done for the Nobel. And since the obvious answer is that he is not George Bush, I would wonder why he would get it, unless the Nobel committee were nothing but a bunch of silly, vindictive, pompous Swedes spending other people's money.

But since I regularly visit Jiffi-Lobo, I don't think that.

So it follows that you have no concept of time. Or even of your own bodily needs. Because they are private. So simply don't worry about it.

Obey.

Or else.

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This morning I have received an email advertising this compliant time-controlling device from Nokia. It has a built-in phone allowing time enforcers to receive orders to terminate those exceeding allotted time quotas, and to confirm the execution of said orders in a timely fashion. In addition, officers of the Red Guard can use these devices for self-criticism once they receive a phone call with a pre-recorded reprimand (this is convenient if you have them on speed dial, but you must be careful not to confuse the buttons and not to let the Trotsky Monster play with your phone).

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Comrade Top Secret (and oh yes, we know your name anyway) I congratulate you on your efforts to adjust to People's Time(TM). Your local Health Care Commissar can ration you some medication to speed up the adjustments to People's Time(TM).

Thank you for the suggestion, I am now taking the medication as needed. It is working better than expected, as it seems that I no longer require sleep and have a sudden desire to use my extra time to spy on my neighbor who is not taking his medication at regular intervals. I was so close to catching him on camera as he adjusted his watch...
This camera thing gives me a new idea... I call it... Kandid Kamera. We ask (or coerce) people to admit personal thoughts on kamera, and, if they should do so, they will have revealed that they actually have personal thoughts! Thought criminals! It's both patriotic and entertaining.

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Personal thoughts? What are those? I never think anything which is not on the Approved Thinking List. Which is hand-delivered every day to me at the Rancho by Janeane Gawdawfulo.

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Comrade Red Square, those are brilliant devices, and I shall begin issuing them to the Red Guard. Although I am personally not font of the Glock system, much hilarity is bound to ensue when poorly trained revolutionaries learn the hard way about carrying a gun that is always cocked and has it's safety on the trigger. After several instances of shoving such weapons into waistbands and shooting off the family jewels, I'm sure the surviving Red Guard will learn to use proper holsters that fully cover the trigger guard.

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The safety on the trigger? I see that Slick Willie used the Glock system. Had he used a better one he would never have been impeached.

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Comrade Theo, according to Gaston Glock, his system has various "internal safeties" and the thingy on the trigger deactivates them. I could prattle on for sometime about handgun safeties, semi auto vs revolver, single action vs double action, but if you really care, send me an email.

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7.62, I blush to say that I don't care for guns. I love them--in principle. I have one, which I've never fired. I believe in them. I adore the second amendment. I really and truly believe that we the citizens need guns to shoot government when it gets too big, and nothing would do my heart more good than to find honest citizens strapping on guns and greeting congressmen flying back from Washington. Just to encourage them, you know.

I recognize this as a failing.

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We all know that people who wear weapons around their elected officials are really full of hate, have small penis' and wish to intimidate and scare people.
{off) Damn skippy, every politician in this country should be scared of the voters. The line goes "There are four boxes used in defense of liberty; ballot, soap, jury and ammo. Use in that order starting now".

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:7.62, I blush to say that I don't care for guns. I love them--in principle. I have one, which I've never fired. I believe in them. I adore the second amendment. I really and truly believe that we the citizens need guns to shoot government when it gets too big, and nothing would do my heart more good than to find honest citizens strapping on guns and greeting congressmen flying back from Washington. Just to encourage them, you know.

I recognize this as a failing.

We don't have any guns, either, Theo, just bars on the windows and Jimmie proof locks. However, I am most grateful to my neighbors who do have guns. One of them walks up and down the street periodically wearing his concealed weapon.

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My dentist has a sticker on his envelopes: "Fear the government that fears your weapons."

The Second Amendment was not to repel foreign invaders but to shoot our government if required.

Nothing would please me more than having them go gun-grabbing in Texas. Sure-fire secession.

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Thomas Jefferson wrote:"God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty.... And what country can preserve its liberties, if its rulers are not warned from time to time, that this people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to the facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure."

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Very nice, RR, very nice. I have always liked Jefferson. I like him more. Imagine what he'd say about His Goddamned H'Oliness and Nansky Peloski.

You know how it is in a relationship. At first you take a little shit and think, "Well, I don't like it but I can stand it." Then there's more shit. And you think, "That chaps me, but I can stand it. Better than making a fuss." And then it keeps piling up, bit after bit after bit until finally you're miserable and you've let yourself be worn down to a nubbin. Then you wake up, take stock, and think, "I don't have to take advantage of this." This happened to me 3/9/83 and in two hours I'd rented a flat. Two days later I was moving out. Of course there were no kids and there was no shared property so it was easy.

But it was the erosion of myself, the attrition of personality, the drip-drip-drip of a constant assault on me that did it. And I have rather a strong personality.

Also it doesn't hurt these people that most people just want a quiet life. Do anything to avoid a scrap. And our rulers know it.


 
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