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Dems Close Borders to Stop Illegal Light Bulb Trafficking

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Once again Democrats, the Pioneers of Progress™, have led the way against the animalistic howls and cries of the Republican opposition and have secured the borders of our country. What was once a prosecutable hate crime for Republicans has become an act of Compassion™ and Caring™ by the forward looking Democrats. Republicans, at least a few of them, wanted to close the borders of America to keep undocumented voters locked up in the south, and deny Canadians access to affordable health care in the north. But now that incandescent light bulbs are as illegal as lemonade stands in all 57-61 states, the borders must be secured to prevent black market light bulbs, or black lights, from entering the country through our large and porous borders.

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Wheezing from the floor of the Senate earlier today, a victorious Harry Reid could barely help congratulating himself.

“We have finally made our Republican colleagues see the light,” said the Senate majority leader, obviously delighted by his clever pun, “and now they too see the importance of border security. Millions of these incandescent light bulbs, identified by every responsible news outlet as the greatest environmental threat since George W Bush, are still available in Canada and Mexico. The potential damage to this country by the influx of illegal light bulbs would be incalculable and could cost billions, if not trillions, to undo.”

“I am proud to sign this bill into law,” reverberated President Obama at a signing ceremony. “Border security has been a top priority of this administration, and we will never rest until our borders are secure. I never said that if you like your light bulb you could keep your light bulb, somebody else said that,” grinned the president in a good-natured joke at his expense.

Looking over his shoulder at a small audience of citizens representing Democrats United for Limited Lighting (DULL), a young pregnant woman passed out, but was caught before falling to the floor.

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Speaking from the UN building in New York, Mr. Kim O, the North Korean delegate to the UN Foundation to Limit Incandescent Kilowatt Refraction (UNFLIKR) overflowed with praise.

“At last, the backward tailless warmongering animals of the United States have followed the brilliant example of Dear Leader by choosing to rid their country of the threat of decentralized lighting. Just look at the progress our country has made,” said Mr. O, “which is clearly visible in any nighttime satellite photograph of our peninsula. We have no need of polluting incandescent light since the radiance of Dear Leader's face lights up all of Pyongyang. Perhaps Americans can harness the brilliance of Joe Biden's teeth to achieve a similar effect.”

Doctor Lily Snoot, speaking for MIT's Durable Alternative Recyclable Chromatic Solutions (DARCS) Laboratory was thrilled with the news of the new legislation.

“Our data has shown that if this menace [the unregulated use of incandescent light bulbs] were allowed for even one year, the heat generated would alter the course of the jet stream, set fire to Mount Kilimanjaro, melt the arctic ice cap, cause the sea levels to rise, and quite possibly wash away all of Al Gore's beachfront property. In a word, it would undo everything this president has accomplished to save the planet from the ravages of George W Bush. It's a good thing we nipped this threat in the bud. A decade of incandescent light use by just one city would be enough to destroy the solar system. The science is settled and the debate is over,” said Dr. Snoot gesturing to a chart from atop a scissor lift.

But every change, even one as forward-looking as the elimination of incandescent light bulbs, brings temporary suffering.

Speaking from her California home, Nancy Pelosi wore several rows of newly commissioned ribbons to identify with the newly identified classes of suffering people. “My heart goes out to the millions of hard-working coyotes, drug traffickers, and sex traffickers of juveniles who will be affected by this legislation. But as I've always said, I'm trying to save the planet, and that comes first.”

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As always, right out front to lead from behind, Comrade Prezzy MompantsOnFire recently demonstrated the superiority of the made-in-China CFL "curly-Q" light bulbs to a crowd of admiring fans.

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:
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As always, right out front to lead from behind, Comrade Prezzy MompantsOnFire recently demonstrated the superiority of the made-in-China CFL "curly-Q" light bulbs to a crowd of admiring fans.

And it's wind powered, too!


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El Presidente wrote:
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Think green radioactive mercury in our landfills! Nice.Ban light altogether! Yeah! That's the ticket!

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"Hey Pelosi, gimme a Butt Light!"

"Aw, shutup, O'Beavis."

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Komissar Blogunov wrote: But now that incandescent light bulbs are as illegal as lemonade stands [highlight=#ffff00]in all 50 states[/highlight], the borders must be secured to prevent black market light bulbs, or black lights, from entering the country through our large and porous borders.
But should not something be done about remaining 7 states as well?

RedDiaperette wrote:But should not something be done about remaining 7 states as well?

No, the citizens of the People's Commonwealth of Taxchusetts are well trained, and would never do something as illegal as bringing light bulbs across the border from the Pheasant Run Mall, conveniently located right on the border in Nashua.

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New career opportunity: light bulb lord.

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I'm afraid it's only going to get worse, comrades...


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RedDiaperette wrote:
Komissar Blogunov wrote: But now that incandescent light bulbs are as illegal as lemonade stands [highlight=#ffff00]in all 50 states[/highlight], the borders must be secured to prevent black market light bulbs, or black lights, from entering the country through our large and porous borders.
But should not something be done about remaining 7 states as well?
Correct, Comrade Cat. It should read all 57-61 states. My most equal teenage son made the same observation.

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...and a ushanka tip to the most equal work in the People's Department of Agitprop which meets every Tuesday at 7:00pm in the secret Party bunker (which doesn't exist).

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As usual, Komrades, Bushitler fault! Back in 2007, Queen Nancy and Prince Harry send bill so could find out what in it.

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Comrades, I wish you all a Collectively Happy New Year!

To you, Comrade Blogunov, your sounding of the alarm on this important issue is great. However, as lurker who always watches, I must say that your use of the word "illegal" here is quite offensive and insensitive, as it sparks images of our friendly Mexican migrant workers who are so wrongfully persecuted by the evil RethuliKKKans!

I would ask that you consider, when further discussing our ever successful march to saving Gaia from rich evil capitalists, you refer to them either as "Undocumented Light Bulbs" or the street name for these horrid creations ("Edisons") which have done NOTHING but harm our PRECIOUS MOTHERLAND!

You good work here for the Collective here will spare you the mandatory beet harvesting required for such offenses THIS time, but do be careful in the future.

Carry on, comrades.

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Perhaps "edisons" is, indeed, a good term for these ancient, Gaia-killing, capitalist devices, as it doesn't sound right to call them "customers" as we now do with the illegal aliens undocumented workers customers.

Certainly, "edisons" does bring to mind the capitalist, competitive, "I-Built-That" mindset which we all loath.

I must ponder this, as must we all.

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The Lurking Comrade wrote:Comrades, I wish you all a Collectively Happy New Year!

To you, Comrade Blogunov, your sounding of the alarm on this important issue is great. However, as lurker who always watches, I must say that your use of the word "illegal" here is quite offensive and insensitive, as it sparks images of our friendly Mexican migrant workers who are so wrongfully persecuted by the evil RethuliKKKans!

I would ask that you consider, when further discussing our ever successful march to saving Gaia from rich evil capitalists, you refer to them either as "Undocumented Light Bulbs" or the street name for these horrid creations ("Edisons") which have done NOTHING but harm our PRECIOUS MOTHERLAND!

You good work here for the Collective here will spare you the mandatory beet harvesting required for such offenses THIS time, but do be careful in the future.

Carry on, comrades.
Thank you, Comrade Lurk, for your input. Having long been a Komissar, I no longer do beet harvesting, but I do have enough proles on my humble tractor farm for an occasional impaling or two. Come on over next Earth Day, and you can help pick a prole who needs to learn what it is to "give back."
I must, however, insist on continuing with the term "illegal" in reference to the now banned Edisons as "illegal" is used in the context of earth destroying capitalism. Think of Bush's ten or twelve "illegal" wars for oil, for example. In fact, if anything, the term may not be strong enough but it'll have to do for now.

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...and thanks for the promotion. We're celebrating all over the tractor farm by illuminating it with newly lit compact florescent bulbs (well the ones that haven't gone out just yet), and flaming effigies of George Bush.

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No light bulb is illegal!

Oh wait, that's only for illegal aliens. What about light bulbs that were born here?

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Let's turn on our "heart light." Is that too much to ask?


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Light deprived Comrades,

Take heart. Soon, very soon, I will be releasing the world's first biodegradable, locally produced, recyclable, EPA approved, non-polluting, eatable fuel lantern. This 3.6 Watt beauty will add a warm glow to any hovel on a cold winter evening. Burns hand dug, hand squeezed, home made fermented beet extract. A little extra work in the fields is all that's needed to provide fuel for this little wonder. So, grab a shovel and help me light the way to a grid-free Next Tuesday!

Fermented Beet Extract Lantern

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Comrade Rodent Craptek, that is a solution that is hard to beet.

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If you like your light bulbs, you can keep your light bulbs. Period.


 
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