As if cheers and glorification that Bowe Bergdahl received from the White House, as well as from ESPN, MSNBC, and other media outlets were not enough, the returning POW has just come out of the closet as a gay Muslim, giving his fans yet another reason to celebrate his courage and heroism.
Rachel Maddow devoted an entire episode of her show celebrating the "marriage of the world's most tolerant religion with the world's most tolerant lifestyle."
"I can't tell you how happy I am to see the glorious day when gays and Muslims stand hand in hand," said Maddow, "This is just more proof, not that we needed any, that right-wing Christian Nazis are not only out of the mainstream, but fading away in our culture altogether. Maybe we can even deport Ken Ham back to Australia."
Shortly afterwards, Bergdahl received a congratulatory call from the U.S. President, who offered him the position of Secretary of Defense, a nomination he was sure to pass the Senate.
"Sgt. Bergdahl represents everything I believe about America," said the President from the Rose Garden the following morning. "I'm sure he'll do even more for our men, women, and transgendered persons in uniform than the outgoing Chuck Hagel. What Bowe has already done for our military and for boosting the confidence of our Afghan allies is without parallel in modern times."
Michelle Obama and the visiting Danish Prime Minister looked on in apparent shock as Bowe's mother, Mrs. Bergdahl, embraced the president, kissed him several times, and began loosening his tie, while Bowe's father repeatedly chanted "Allahu akbar."
Mr. Hagel was seen nodding the entire time with visible approval.
Senate Majority leader Harry Reid issued this televised statement: "Bergdahl's nomination sends a strong message to the extremists in the Tea Party and to the Koch brothers: you have failed and your influence is dying. On the positive side, we finally have a Secretary of Defense who has a track record of reaching out to the other side and working together in a bipartisan fashion."
Republican senator Lindsey Graham said that he tentatively endorses the nomination, but warned that if Bergdahl ever again betrayed his oath, abandoned his post, endangered the lives of his former comrades in arms, committed treason, or gave the enemy information that led to the deaths of more U.S. servicemen, he would tell him to stop.
Halfway around the world, there was celebrating in the mountains of Afghanistan, as a previously obscure al-Qaeda affiliate, Rainbow Jihad, received the news of Bergdahl's reception and promotion. "Allah be praised!" exulted an RJ warrior Ibrahim, repeatedly shooting in the air with his Pink Kitty automatic rifle. "Allah knows how I miss our Bowe."
Bergdahl also received a surprise phone call from the St. Louis Rams offering him a starting position as quarterback. Rams owner, Stan Kroenke, said, "It has nothing to do with him being a gay Muslim or us being fearful of media outrage if we don't draft him. He's just the man we're looking for to put on the field; someone who has a knack for understanding what the other side is up to. Besides, we might just be able to trade him for five better players next season."
"I'm really overwhelmed," said a tearful Bergdahl. "If I had known I would have gotten this much support and publicity, I'd have betr-, uh, reached out to the citizens of Afghanistan much sooner."
To celebrate the tidal wave of affirmations and good news, Christian baker Jack Phillips has been ordered to bake a special cake complete with rainbows, crescents, crossed swords, and verses from the Qur'an. "To me, that's just icing on the cake," commented a cheerful Bergdahl with a wink.
Attempts were made to contact members of Bergdahl's platoon for their reaction to the news, but so far none have been found or seem to have existed.
Anyer MarxComrade Blogunov, I think there may have been a misquote by one of your sources if they reported Harry as saying "we finally have a secretary of defense who has a track record of reaching out to the other side and working together in a bipartisan fashion.” I believe the actual statement was "we finally have a secretary of defense who has a track record of reaching around to the other side and working together in a bi fashion.”
Or perhaps in a bipolar fashion?
NavigatorBowe: "Fellatio...How I survived!"
I would think this is distasteful...
Gosh I love talking politics.