People never heard of wars, crime, corruption, slavery, torture, murder, cannibalism, and man-made hurricanes. Peace and harmony reigned supreme because the concepts of greed, selfishness, and private property had not yet been invented by the American corporate interests and maliciously spread around the world as part of the American cultural hegemony.
Each person in that ideal world practiced his or her own peaceful spirituality, worshipping Earth, Nature, and the Sacred Feminine, while honoring the spiritual traditions of everyone else. Benevolent chieftains dispensed benefits to their subjects to each according to their needs, making sure that ethnic and sexual minorities were equally and proportionally represented in all spheres of public life. Habeas Corpus was the law of the land, along with Exit Strategy and Geneva Conventions.
Family planning, effective birth control, and early sex education ensured that every family had exactly 2.2 children per household, which prevented overpopulation and famine. Commerce, travel, and international trade were uncommon; everyone lived and died within not more than a five-mile distance from their birthplace. People didn't feel the need to migrate, set up colonies, take over other countries, create empires, settle in uninhabited areas, or fight one another over a creek in the desert.
All farming was organic and for subsistence purposes only. The environment was clean due to reliance on alternative fuels and invigorating manual labor. As a result, everybody lived in comfortable, carbon-neutral houses, eating plenty of good food on a regular basis, and driving fuel-efficient automobiles when they weren't riding their 18-speed urban cruiser bicycles.
This was an amazing achievement of indigenous cultures considering that there had been no division of labor and most people lived on farms. In the free time that remained after toiling the soil and tending to the animals, the indigenous farmers discerned the laws of nature, developed vaccines for deadly illnesses, stretched out the average lifespan prodigiously, and fed the starving in far away places.
This Golden Age lasted from about 20,000 BC up until the American Revolution. After 1776 everything just went downhill.
Immediately upon declaring their Independence, the Americans began the theft of native Indian lands, industries, highways, and communications infrastructure. The Americans used Black slave labor to invent things that would give them an unfair edge over other cultures: cotton gin, bifocals, steam power pumps, self propelled amphibious vehicles, coffee pot, sewing machine, power tools, ether anesthesia, mechanical refrigerator, cylinder printing press, passenger elevator, burglar alarm, oil well drilling, repeating rifle, pin tumbler lock, roller skates, offset printing, barbed wire, dental drill, mimeograph, telephone, light bulb, hearing aid, electric fan, skyscraper, disposable camera, escalator, motion picture camera, safety razor, air conditioner, airplane, assembly line, frozen food, radio astronomy, television, chair lift, nylon, defibrillator, microwave oven, atomic bomb, carbon dating, Polaroid camera, polio vaccine, integrated circuit, oral contraceptive, laser, computer, operating system, optical fiber, calculator, product barcode, space shuttle, artificial heart, internet, and graphic user interface.
Once they stole enough wealth and power, the Yankees moved on to exploit the rest of the world, setting up corporations on every street corner in order to oppress and humiliate people of other cultures, races, and religions. The corporations launched wars and endemic diseases to create economic need and political chaos from which, like Venus from the sea foam, the greedy bourgeois class was born. With the help of the local bourgeoisie, the Americans overthrew all of the free world's honest and caring chieftains, replacing them with corrupt democratic regimes in order to steal their oil and destroy local ecosystems.
American preachers and missionaries confiscated all means of birth control from the aboriginal tribes, causing disastrous demographic explosions, followed by famine and more wars. Once the world was subdued and demoralized, Americans lowered indigenous people's salaries to ten cents a day, at the same time forcing them to buy American goods by way of boldfaced advertising.
The American TV commercials insulted the refined tastes of subsistence farmers so much that they often threw organic eggs and vegan burgers at their plasma screens, destroying them and unwittingly creating a demand for even more TVs. With all the commotion they missed the advance of Global Warming, a clandestine project executed from the secret climate change centers paid for by American imperialists.
This alternative history may never be officially acknowledged, yet it is being implied in news radio and TV programming, film documentaries, Hollywood movies, UN resolutions, comedy shows, and political speeches — including those delivered by Democrats running for President — let alone millions of stickers, placards, T-shirts, and buttons sold at “progressive” junkets.
If I didn’t know the real history and was a little more gullible, as many public school graduates are today, such a narrative might also become a part of my perspective. I might conclude, along with such “progressive” minds as Sean Penn and Ben Affleck, that the United States is a force of evil. I might agree with Noam Chomsky and Ward Churchill that the world’s oppressed would be damned fools if they didn’t hate America and yearn for the destruction of this unspeakable beast. As a fair-minded person I might even give them a hand – as Ramsey Clark and Lynn Stewart have done, making the support of America’s enemies their full-time job and a life-long commitment.
I’d probably share a utopian belief that once America as it exists today is eradicated, peace and harmony will be restored worldwide, and people will finally have a chance to live as one happy family without wars, greed, corruption, and evil corporations pursuing their racist agenda of climate change. Minority subsistence farmers will hurl their remote controls into the jungle, and everyone’s pay will go back to $1,000 a week plus union benefits.
I would certainly decide that the Fourth of July should not be celebrated. Why should we honor the greatest setback in the history of world progress? Rather than watch air-polluting fireworks, we must instead grieve with the rest of progressive humanity over the dark day that gave birth to the evil entity that is the United States of America.
* * * * * *
But then again, if I were an intellectually honest public school graduate I might read a few books besides A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present by Howard Zinn, an anti-American volume that had impressed Ben Affleck and Matt Damon so much that they featured it in “Good Will Hunting” (“That book will blow your hair back”), and even considered turning it into a TV mini-series starring Winona Ryder.
If I were to read about real history I might find out to my great astonishment that for many thousands of years the world’s wonderful cultures had been at each other’s throat, engrossed in feuds, rape, pillaging, slavery, theft of the neighbors’ resources, torture, murder, treachery, corruption, assassinations, and cannibalism. I’d learn that from the beginning of time, human history was a never-ending string of wars, famines, diseases, exploitation, poor hygiene, high infant mortality, and an average life expectancy of about 30 years. I’d gather that the world was mostly run by either ignorant witch doctors or ruthless tyrants who went to war for personal enjoyment, constructing pyramids out of the skulls of slain enemies.
“Turks conquered cradles of ancient civilizations with turn-key cities and pre-existing infrastructure.”I’d also discover that people had been migrating all the time, moving to other lands and continents, setting up colonies and empires without asking permission from the natives, who often assimilated into one nation with the conquerors. The latest example is the Turkish Ottoman Empire whose conquest of heavily populated countries in Europe and the Middle East was happening simultaneously with the colonization of the sparsely populated Americas by the Europeans.
The Turks had come from far-away lands, stole the entire Asia Minor from the Christian natives, renamed their cities, and settled on their land for good. As the Americans fought a war against slavery, the Ottoman Empire continued to grow and expand its slave trade, bordering simultaneously on Austria, Morocco, Poland, Sudan, and Persia. The number of people killed, enslaved, converted, and driven from their land was much greater in the Ottoman Empire than in the entire Western hemisphere. Where is the outcry and demands of reparations?
If I were an inquisitive public school graduate I’d ask a question: if land theft and slave labor is what had made America so rich, why isn’t Turkey the richest country in the world? As opposed to the bare lands and deserts of the New World, the Turks conquered cradles of ancient civilizations with turn-key cities and pre-existing infrastructure. However, apart from oil deposits, the formerly Ottoman lands remain dirt-poor, with Turkey itself not far away in the lead.
But let’s not single out the Turks. Before them were the Mongols, who made no distinction between the civilians and the army, and whose conquest had lead to the creation of the world’s largest empire ruled by fear and iron discipline. How many millionaires does Mongolia have today? And before that were the Arabs who came as conquerors from the Arabian Peninsula, stole all of North Africa and Mesopotamia (modern Iraq) from the Christian natives, forcibly converted them to Islam, and settled on their land for good. And before them there had been conquests by the Huns, the Chinese, the Celts, the Greeks, the Romans, the Goths, the Persians, the Slavs, and many others who settled on other people’s lands simply because they could.
All cultures practiced slavery in one way or another. It stopped in Europe around the Middle Ages but continued to thrive in Africa, Asia, and in the Middle East. Through the contacts between the Arabs and the Portuguese it was reintroduced to Europe and the Americas. Although the European and American abolitionists eventually brought an end to slavery and slave trade on their territories, it still exists in various ugly forms in other parts of the world.
To get a glimpse of the thousand-year-old dark historical reality, look no further than Sudan where even today Arabs are practicing a racist form of slavery. Black African villages of Darfur are being ransacked, men and women killed and raped, their children taken away as slaves (and also raped repeatedly). Nothing can be done now to change old history, but something can and should be done to change the fate of black slaves today. Only the activists and “community leaders” who usually initiate such actions are so busy fuming over the suffering of black slaves in America seven generations ago that they have no time for the suffering of black slaves in today’s Sudan. Could it be because their real concern has never been the suffering of black slaves – but rather finding an excuse to trash the United States?
Another huge slaving outpost waiting to be freed is, of course, North Korea. Why aren’t there any calls from the “progressive” camp to abolish a form of neo-slavery called socialism? Why did the “progressives” call the USSR a “workers’ paradise” when it was being built by slave labor in concentration camps? If slavery is a certified path to prosperity, why didn’t half a century of suffering and millions of lives wasted in the gulag make the Soviet Union richer — but the new economic freedom did, despite the botched reforms and the ubiquitous government corruption? China had emulated the Soviet slave-labor economy with an even bigger army of political prisoners – and with an equally disastrous outcome. But when the Communist rulers abandoned slave labor in favor of capitalist reforms, the economy started to grow — and so did the standard of living.
If putting an end to slavery and giving people a small amount of freedom can bring forth such sizeable growth within only two decades in Russia and China, how much economic growth and prosperity can be achieved by a nation whose people have had two centuries of full economic and political freedom? “Have all cultures already arrived at the final point in their development?”To find the answer, look at a country that starts with “United” and ends with “States.” And that’s the end of the silly argument about America owing its prosperity to slave labor.
The continent of North America was settled in several waves by Siberian hunters, each wave accompanied by the theft of land and conquest. In what bank is that stolen wealth kept today? The arriving Europeans discovered a collection of half-naked warrior tribes killing one another for land, water, game, wives, and simply as a sport – just like anywhere else in the world thousands of years ago. Only some cultures had grown out of it, others had never risen, yet others had gone over the hill and slid back into barbarism. This begs a question: by what measure do we determine which stage of cultural development is the correct one and deserving of being frozen in time?
The multiculturalist dogma of the equality of all cultures raises even more questions. Have all cultures already arrived at the final point in their development? Is cultural achievement meaningless? Is the history of arts and sciences irrelevant? Is the complexity of social structure inconsequential? Is the respect for human dignity and individual rights an empty sound? Is there no difference between “up” and “down” on the stairwell of human progress? And if you believe all of that, can you still call yourself a “progressive” and maintain a straight face?
History answers negatively to all those questions. World cultures aren’t equal and never have been. Humanity is a living, breathing, and evolving organism that thrives on cultural interaction and development, in which cultures compete for survival — and yes, fight with each other — but also learn from the best.
Today we are witnessing a major fight between two of the world’s cultures, one of which — the Islamic fundamentalists — got stuck at the lower steps of societal evolution and would like to drag the rest of the world down to their level, so that there would be nothing left above their heads to distract true believers from focusing on their toenails and pondering existential issues such as the foot hygiene of airline passengers.
If you listen to the “progressives” and believe that all cultures are equal, you might as well not resist and descend to their level as John Walker Lindh did. “If we want answers we shouldn’t be stopping the pioneers.By the time you discover that the difference between “up” and “down” is not a fancy post-modernist notion, but a reality as essential as the difference between life and death, it may be too late. Not just for you but to those around you as well, within the kill radius of the shrapnel in your explosive belt.
Equating our two cultures is not just unnatural – it’s suicidal. We should consider ourselves lucky that a few generations ago Western nations managed to lift themselves out of the sewer in which humanity lived for thousands of years. These nations have mastered science, arts, medicine, increased life expectancy, and developed a legal system that grants more rights and freedoms to individual citizens than any other culture in history. The advancement is reciprocal: the more freedoms the individuals have, the better off the nation is economically. At the head of this upward movement is the United States, the first nation to put individual freedoms above the government’s interests. Placing the government in the service of the people at an age when the rest of the world viewed the people as mere servants to their governments.
The vertical map of the world’s cultures is never a still picture; they are moving along the entire visible length of the stairwell of progress. The invisible flights of stairs are still ahead of us – a terra incognita. How far up does the stairwell go? Is there an end to it? How soon will humanity get there, and how much has already been covered? If we want answers we shouldn’t be stopping the pioneers. We must celebrate them.
As for the losers still down at the bottom, empathize with them all you want - but remember that you can afford this emotional luxury only because at least one part of humanity has found the ability to clean up their act and show the way to other nations - and a hope that one day, with the right attitude, the others may also climb out of the sewer.
And that is what the Fourth of July means to this author. Fireworks, barbecues, and department store sales are optional.
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This was published in PJMedia on July 3, 2007.
Quote:I don't think even my perverse imagination could have prompted me to make a parody of Che as a founder of this nation.
Commissar TheocritusThe single tenet of the left is to divorce actions from consequences. You will find that it explains everything about them. If you do not want to be responsible for yourself, for your existence, then you tend to be totalitarian, with capricious punishment, shifting blame, witch hunts, pograms. And not a single one of these people will stand on his own feet and say, "I exist. I am. I take responsibility for me."
Quote:one a woman pretending to be a dog
Commissar TheocritusI have learned that if there is nothing you can do about it, don't get riled. Turn away. Listen to Mozart. They'll still be howling if you turn your head back.
Commissar TheocritusComrade Pup, do you think it's time to start book reservations for our next five-year plan, in, oh, say, five months? I think that I'll need some R&R. Let's book the Luxor. How about that?
Commissar TheocritusIt is possible that he sabotaged the bombs, or the airplanes that he was not flying.
Commissar TheocritusNavigator, welcome to the Cube. Wait until Sister Massively Opiated gets back to health and you'll be in for a treat.
Commissar TheocritusIt was once proposed that she and I do a lucha libre on a troll here, which would have been great good fun but the troll went back under its bridge, lurking, to eat more billy goats. Sorry...
Sister Massively Opiated...and I am a self-emancipated navy-trained Marine Sniper Dolphin, though really, my skills are much more... diverse... than that...
Commissar TheocritusSMO, I shall hold you to your word about the lucha libre. I wondered, at first, if we ought to do some planning or strategizing, but then thought that the natural rhythm of things might prove appropriate, like a two-piano duet, if I may be so bold.
Commissar TheocritusBut I feel so left out. I am relatively new the Cube, only since December, and there has not been a real troll. Blue Bell dances in and out of Trolldom, and sometimes actually makes sense. I long for the Mime.
Commissar TheocritusAnd I was dragged into the Cube by the assault on King Mulva, and was bewitched by that raging idiot. In The Bank Dick one character says, "I've been a perfect idiot."
Sister Massively OpiatedComrade Pupovich,
Comrade PupovichBTW, for background, perhaps this humble Pup has much in common with Comrade Otis. The Pup has worked for the past 14 years in one of those mean nasty institutions for Mentally Retarded/Developmentally Disabled proles. While one could say that it too is "For the Children" so to speak, it is a hard and thankless job. Most of this time the Pup was what was called a Qualified Mental Retardation Professional... fancy titile Da? Fortunately for the Pup, the Pup was found to have a real talent for Excel and Access databases, and so now am known as the Data Pup, where the Pup works almost exclusively with a whole pod of PhD psychologists.
Sister Massively OpiatedHe has a special talent for assessing difficult cases that others seem not to be able to get to or to find the root cause of behavioural problems... and he manages to do this without becoming overly political or make them feel threatened, which is not uncommon in this kind of work...
Comrade PupovichI know exactly what you mean. We have improved a great deal in regard to the sort of psychological and psychiatric services we can provide (we just recently got out of a DOJ settlement agreement), I personally do a lot of work for a great lady psychologist that is a whiz with the psychotropics, and the Data Pup created a database just for tracking side effects of these meds. We also have a rather brilliant, absolutely delightful psychiatrist, who also happens to be a very strong Christian (which as you can imagine, is most unusual for the Psychiatric profession). We have recently been expanding into taking more and more temporary emergency placements, individuals that were living in a community situation but were having problems so they come to us and hopefully get them straightened out. As it happens, the Data Pup is currently working on a database for another agency that is involved with "crisis teams" in the community.
Comrade PupovichThe Data Pup has never received any formal training ... But he has found that you can learn just about anything about any program by simply not being scared to try what this button does, or trying out the various drop down menus ... Actually, the Pup finds the hardest part is designing the forms in such a way to limit input errors. What I have enjoyed most about learning this is that the Pup now knows the hows and whys of the drop down boxes, check boxes, and all the other things you see on the internet.
Comrade PupovichNow the Pup has never been a real fan of the various therapies as you mentioned, but he really appreciates your comment about a therapy that doesn't last a life time! LOL! The Pup studied psychology for about 7 years, and as I said, have been working with psychologists for the past 14 years. Now the Pup was a true rat psychologist in the university days. The Pup didn't go into the field with the goal of "helping the people," he was more into Behavior Analysis, learning theory, and physiological psychology (a great background for the Pup's work in the Ministry of Truth da?)
Comrade PupovichSadly, the Pup must report that while he is a true Dog of the South, he has never owned a weapon. He wholly supports and encourages the use and open possession of such tools for peace though! The Pup is pretty sure of one thing, had this been the law, while there would have been a number of students killed at Virginia Tech for instance, the Pup bets that not every one of those people in the class room would have had to die had some of the students and professors had a gun and knew how to use it. Actually, that is one problem the Pup has to reconcile....for clearly traditional Party dogma is that it is dangerous for the proles to be allowed to carry weapons, yet I see it as a necessary right and duty of every citizen to be armed to the teeth. Now of course while the Pup doesn't carry a weapon, he can be quite formidable when he goes into Genghis Pup mode. Perhaps you could clear the Pup's mind on this issue so that the Pup doesn't fall prey to bad think? So sorry this is so long.
Sister Massively OpiatedI don't know that being a 'very strong Christian' is necessarily as unusual as many might assume... or having a strong religious conviction of any kind. Therapists who deal with individuals who are not psychotic or schizophrenic - who are not non compus mentis - would have to exercise ethical standards in terms of how they approached religion in their therapy work with patients who don't share their views.
Sister Massively OpiatedAlthough I've never worked with punch cards (except to play with them when I was little), my first computer was an Apple II Plus that required two 5 1/4 inch floppies just to boot up and I did a 10 month stint as a computer operator for a large gas pipeline firm about a year after I graduated from film school and the industry dried up for a while... we had two IBM mainframes (with the 1/2 inch tape drives)
SMOTheocritus is the official Party Chimera, having made the ultimate sacrifice for The Kollective, and now takes on whatever role he feels best serves the Party Organ, sometimes several at once... it is a most difficult and demanding task.
Commissar TheocritusAnd I have found that can be a source of great gaiety in other venues....
Commissar TheocritusBut bitchiness really does come with the territory. But not everything else: can't decorate, and hate Cher and Streisand. Math major. Go figure.
Red SquareHappy 4th of July 2008!
Quote:What kind of men were the 56 signers who adopted the Declaration of Independence and who, by their signing, committed an act of treason against the crown? To each of you the names Franklin, Adams, Hancock, and Jefferson are almost as familiar as household words. Most of us, however, know nothing of the other signers. Who were they? What happened to them?
Premier BettyFinally!! All my history books can be shortened into one simple chapter that is easy to read, and contains nothing but truth! I can't wait to start burning the old ones and replace them with these new lightweight, eco-friendly, paperback history lessons.
Commissar_ElliottHappy 4th of July 2009 everyone! Let us remember those who wanted freedom from the British crown.
Commissar_ElliottHappy 4th of July 2009 everyone! Let us remember those who wanted freedom from the British crown.
Quote:I was thrilled to hear this speech by Daniel Hannan delivered to a crowd in Colorado on the Black Friday of the Cap&Trade passing.
Barry Rubin, referring to this story,And also don't miss the funniest satire ever on how American history is being taught today.
Commissar TheocritusI find it amusing that of all the white-collar students in college, the education majors have the lowest SAT scores.
|Prof Peter Kurgman, PhD^3||42||93121|
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Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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