Released for distribution in the United States, the update allegedly provided "critical fixes improving security, stability and performance," while also addressing a number of "high priority bugs," which many in the Muslim world see as an insult to their way of life.
"Who are they to tell us that we need an update?" an imam addressed a raging crowd of followers in Bangladesh's capital, Dhaka. "The very suggestion that we need a 'critical fix' to improve the 'handling of errors' is yet another example of America's arrogance. Our system is superior to theirs and any suggestion that it 'misses a plug-in' is an imperialist attempt to impose their blasphemous lifestyle on true believers."
In Pakistan, a Cabinet minister offered a $100,000 reward for the death of Adobe Acrobat, urging the Taliban and al-Qaida to perform the "sacred duty" of helping locate and kill the "blasphemous contortionist."
"Their insinuation that our system may be somehow "riddled with bugs" is a blasphemy punishable by death," Minister Ghulam Ahmad Balor told the reporters. "How else, if not by killing people, can we demonstrate to the world that our system cannot be improved because it is already perfect? It was designed by Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), and not even Adobe Updater can update that."
Following his announcement, a peaceful but angry crowd of more than 1,500 people, including women and children, marched through Islamabad's streets towards National Circus, where they rounded up and killed more than 20 local acrobats taking refuge inside the building. Police and witnesses said dozens of clowns and other circus workers were injured.
All of the murdered acrobats were later cleared of any affiliation with Adobe.
Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan criticized the violence, but said Western nations aren't spilling enough blood of the unbelievers to prevent insults to Islam. "No one is defending freedom of expression when Norton Antivirus finds and discards malicious files. How is that different from Muslims tracking down and beheading those who express malicious thoughts? Freedom of expression is offensive and we must not tolerate it more than we tolerate a virus."
Police, armed with tear gas and batons, managed to disperse thousands of stone-throwing demonstrators in Nigeria's largest city, Kano. The protesters from about a dozen Islamic groups burned two of the country's three computers, witnesses said.
This left Nigerian entrepreneurs worried. "We can't just stop progress in addressing general errors in handling text, font, and metadata," says Mariam Abacha, an independent email expert and widow of the late dictator of Nigeria, General Sanni Abacha. "Our access to email generates up to 70% of national GDP. The loss of that computer will not only plunge us back into poverty, disease, and starvation - it will also crush my hopes of securing kind assistance of a trustworthy Westerner with an email account, to retrieve eighty million USD ($80,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in steel crates by me and my late husband."
About 200 students in Srinagar, the main city in Indian-controlled Kashmir, angrily chanted "Down with Windows 7" and "Long live MS-DOS." Some carried a placard that read, "There is no Adobe but Allah and Muhammad is his Acrobat."
"Why do these Yankees presume they know what Muslims need?" a protester told our reporter during a break. "These arrogant pop-up banners keep telling us that our system is 'obsolete' and that really hurts our self-esteem. But don't fall for that trick, because a week after you upgrade to the latest version, it'll pop up once more and you'll feel like an idiot with obsolete software again. Here's my question to the Americans at Adobe: how good can YOU be if your stuff needs constant fixes and upgrades? I'm convinced that the real purpose of their update reminders is to continually taunt and degrade Muslims. That deserves a very, very stern punishment."
At a rare White House press conference today, President Obama and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton expressed solidarity with the Muslim struggle against the unfair practice , stating that they themselves are often appalled by the "vile and despicable display of software update notifications" in various pop-up windows. They urged all software developers to take a more responsible approach and promised to send DOJ and IRS investigators to Adobe headquarters.
According to earlier reports, Adobe CEO has already been interrogated by the sheriff's department after being taken from his San Jose, California home at 1:30am, and escorted by the police while wearing a towel over his head.
In related news, a fighting Islamist faction in the Phillipines' capital massacred a group of street gymnasts after a pop-up banner from Staples announced a discount on "manila folders."
A Message from the President of the United States, Barack Obama, and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton:
President Obama: Since our founding, the United States has been a nation that respects all computer operating systems. We reject all efforts to force updates upon the out-of-date computer systems of others. But, there is absolutely no justification for this type of senseless re-booting. None. Besides, the Adobe update does not you prevent you from using .TXT files if that's what the prophet requires.
Secretary Clinton: Let me state very clearly and I hope it is obvious that the United States government had absolutely nothing to do with this Acrobat update. We absolutely reject all PDFs content and message as our government mostly uses 1950s-era Univacs and has no way to read them. America's committment to obsolete data processing models goes back to the very beginning of our nation's information age, punch cards.
Fist those who insult islam!!!
DEATH TO ZIONIST SOFTWARE!
This is a virtual Turing machine, and I can say with all pride that it is the one used by OMB to project the cost of Obamacare. By the time that Mercury has fallen into the sun, the computer will have finished.
Screw Hippocrates. We've got a death panel now. Now for a panel to decide how much people are paid, what things are worth and so forth, in a socialist's orgasmic nirvana.