Eminent domain expropriations are sweeping the American motherland like a red tide of Socialism raised by the increasing gravitational pool of Marxist thought. The Mayor of Piscataway, New Jersey, has recently seized the last remaining farm in the area in order to turn it into an empty space - the epitome of Socialist improvement, a.k.a. the Greater Good™. Upon hearing that the kulaks and other greedy bourgeois property owners of New Jersey are being liquidated as a class, Lenin resurrected from his Mausoleum - again - to help the revolutionary US peasants confiscate capitalist property and redistribute the bourgeois wealth. Step one: find the heroic Democrat Mayor of Piscataway and present him with People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation.
~
Lenin: Toiling masses of Piscataway, New Jersey! Where can I find your Mayor Brian C. Wahler, the Great Hero of Expropriation and Collectivization?
Mayor Brian C. Wahler: Lenin? I can't believe it! Just like the picture on my desk!
Lenin: Comrade Wahler! On behalf of all the progressive, the useless, and the lazy people of the world, let me present you with this Award honoring your commitment to the cause of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Kim Il Sung, Fidel Castro, and Che Guevara! And Hugo Chavez in Venezuela and Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe also send their warmest regards.
Mayor Wahler: But I'm just a small-time mayor. I only expropriated the last operating farm in Piscataway that sold eggs and gave pony rides to kids. It's nothing compared to the great deeds of Stalin, Castro, and Hugo Chavez!
Lenin: Come on comrade! Even the longest journey begins with a small step. A small step for New Jersey is a huge step for mankind.
Mayor Wahler: I guess you're right. The people of Piscataway will no longer stay awake at night worrying about private entrepreneurship, independent farming, or capitalist speculations taking place in their town. Instead, empty space, without impure selfish motivations, will replace this historic farm.
Mayor Wahler: And who's that guy in a cossack hat that looks like he's jumped from Battleship Potemkin? He creeps me out.
Lenin: Oooh, that is a great hero of Forced Collectivization. In the Motherland, he packed the kulaks in box cars by the thousands and shipped them off to Siberia for refusing to give up their farms to the People's government.
Mayor Wahler: I like that. But please translate to him that a communist uprising in Piscataway would be unnecessary because the power already is in the hands of the People's Commissars.
Lenin: Let's cut to the chase, comrade. You made a point that property is truly collective possession and cannot be private. Then you showed that the local law is on the side of the revolution. And finally, you reminded everybody of the role of the Big Brother with guns. You made the bourgeoisie of New Jersey cower in their holes and fear the people's wrath. You are a true hero, comrade!
Mayor Wahler: I pledge allegiance to the red flag of the revolution and the hammer and sickle for which it stands, one collective under the Party, split into victim groups, according to their needs for all!
Lenin: I declare you Great Hero of Communist Revolution. You must kiss the prize.
Mayor Wahler: Mom? You won't believe this. Guess who just gave me People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation!
Mayor Wahler: Remember, Mom, how I always told you that going to a liberal college with Marxist professors would pay back?
Lenin: Unwashed masses of New Jersey! Workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia - I bring you Comrade Mayor!
Lenin: Comrade Wahler will also make everyone in Piscataway use the metric system and will replace the oppressive English alphabet with a Cyrillic one!
Mayor Wahler: Do you think the New York Times will write about this?
Logan Clements: And what did you do with the uncooperative capitalist pig who owned the farm?
Mayor Wahler: He kept the farm in the family for almost 100 years - that's long enough to be offensive by any progressive measure.
Mayor Wahler: The swine native to the farm will be taken care of with the iron fist of revolutionary justice - and so will you, mister, if you don't back off! Give me that camera!
Members of the Piscataway Secret Police (PSP) appear on the scene to prevent any free press violations.
People's Policeperson: I'm going to count to twenty and you'd better be out of here.
Policeperson explains the legal nuances and local Piscataway interpretation of eminent domain law to the media: One, two, three, four, five, six...
Logan Clements: I'm going to stay all day at this fair! We are standing on public ground, in public place, and we are representatives of the media covering a story about a public official. In the name of a once-popular document called the Constitution with its provisions of freedom of the press and freedom of speech, please leave us alone!
Policeperson: Wa-a-a-a! Why did you come here, you heartless capitalist pig, to ruin the celebration of the Common Good? Why don't YOU leave us alone?
Logan Clements: I'll have to obey because you have guns. Policeperson: Guns? Who said anything about guns? Logan Clements: There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns.
At that point Lenin, bored and feeling like going home to eat a caviar sandwich, employed the third means of dealing with people: his famous mind-controlling Beam of the People
Policeperson and Mayor Wahler: We're sorry, Mr. Clements. We don't know what's gotten into us...
Afraid of Great Lenin, Piscataway police force panicked and scurried away.
Policeperson: Stop! Don't leave me behind, I'm scared too!
And in the end everybody danced the People's dance "Kalinka" to the merry accompaniment of the Marching Harmonica Army.
Long live Communist Revolution in Piscataway, New Jersey!
- WHAT
People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation (by anonymous proletarian artist)
- WHY
Mayor Brian C. Wahler confiscated the last farm in Piscataway that, according to the NJ Star Ledger, "features egg sales, horse and pony rides, a horseback riding academy, horse boarding and grazing and hay rides." With a little help from our friend Eminent Domain, the Democrat-monopolized city council, and NJ courts, Comrade Mayor pushed ahead with his plans for a Socialist utopia in New Jersey - a big empty space in its place.
- WHO
Lenin: the deity of earth, toil, and light bulbs, the giver of beets, vodka, and happiness. A principal deity of the Soviet People who worshiped his mummy while believing he was still alive. Lenin's birthday is an important Marxist festival, also known as Sacrificial Earth Shoveling, or simply Earth Day. (The People's Glossary™)
Visit Lenin's own blog!Russian MushroomLogan Clements is an operative of free starmedia.com (watch this video), a subversive organization focused on shining a light on the successes of collectivization in America as implemented by our comrades like Mayor Wahler. Mr Clements, funded exclusively by a joint venture of Halliburton and the NSA, is obviously wishing to be a martyr on the altar of the Revolution, something the Party's hands are itching to employ more rapidly. A taskforce within the Party (once known as Communists For Kerry) has initiated proceedings to get the Cube rolling towards Mr Clements' door.
- HOW
An alternate narration of this episode by Logan Clements (FoxNews style)
RUNNING FROM POLICE WITH OUR TAPES...
Logan Darrow Clements here, reporting from an undisclosed location on the East Coast: The adrenaline is still pumping through my veins. Today, my camera crew and I attended a street fair in Piscataway, New Jersey. Our purpose was to ask Mayor Brian C. Wahler why he is using eminent domain to take away a family farm from its rightful owners - the Halpers.
We found Mayor Wahler and started questioning him. He walked away. We followed him and kept questioning him. Within a few moments police officers confronted us. The mayor kept walking away and I kept asking him questions. He stopped again and I asked him once more why he was taking the Halper's farm. Wahler's answer was that the farm was being taken for "open spaces". When I indicated that a farm is already an open space he walked off again.
Now a large group of police officers surrounded my two cameramen and myself. The police formed a circle around us and demanded our identification papers. We refused. One of the officers grabbed my arm as if to take me away. Other officers did their best to block the cameras.
Someone at the street fair turned up the music to try to ruin our audio. (The song lyrics, by some amazing coincidence were, "It's getting hot, hot, hot.")
Now the police tried to separate me from the camera men. I guess their plan was divide and conquer. By now we were surrounded by an even larger swarm of police officers that were demanding our identification papers while at the same time demanding that we leave.
I made reference to a once-popular document called the Constitution with its provisions of freedom of the press and freedom of speech. This was of little interest to the police officers surrounding us. "I'm going to count to twenty and you'd better be out of here" said one officer. I responded, "I'm going to stay all day at this fair! We are standing on public ground, in public place, and we are representatives of the media covering a story about a public official. Leave us alone!" (or something to that effect, you'll see it in the movie)
The police officers were getting more and more aggressive. Then they switched their tactics. They were determined to detain us! All this time they kept demanding our identification papers. Now I realized we had to get out of there. We had cameras - they had guns.
Given the behavior of this mob of police officers it wouldn't surprise me if threw us in jail, took our cameras, or worse yet - got the tapes. Through careful discussion on my part, and confusion on their part, I negotiated our release.
We walked at a brisk pace out of the fair. Once we got behind some trees and out of sight of the police we ran to our cars. I knew they would try to get the tapes. One cameraman and I jumped in the car. The other cameraman got to his car. Sure enough an officer started running toward our cars. We put the car in gear and peeled out of the parking lot.
As we pulled onto the street another police officer ran towards us as if to block our escape. We made it past him. As I looked back in my rear view mirror I could see the officer standing in the middle of the road writing down my license plate number. But that didn't matter - got the tapes out!
I'm scheduled to appear on FoxNews Channel's Hannity and Colmes program this Monday 5/15. On the show I plan to play short clips of my movie-in-progress. The day before we were in South Bound Brook, New Jersey and caught the police on video right at the moment that they evicted a man from his house and changed the locks. His house will be demolished for a shopping center. Even if you don't have cable TV you can always watch Hannity & Colmes on their website However, I might get bumped off the Monday schedule by other stories.
Logan Darrow Clements of Freestar Media wants to build the Lost Liberty Hotel on the property of Supreme court Judge David Souter, one of five "liberal" Judges who voted for the new eminent domain law allowing a private company to take your private property (land) under the auspices of community improvement.
- USEFUL TRIVIA
Property
Collective possession. Cannot be private. The false concept of private property is a Big Lie. No one has the moral right to claim ownership to the world's limited resources that belong to everybody.
Progress
Movement towards The Greater Good™. Anything that destabilizes, defiles, sabotages, weakens, disrupts, impairs, or in any way undermines American capitalism, is progress.
Redistribution of Wealth
Act of returning world's resources to rightful owners, the People. Must be performed regardless of one's input in order better to erase the false concept of private property. It is constantly under attack by the right-wing ideologues for threatening capitalism's vile celebration of self-interest and individualism. A model of a world-wide wealth redistribution system is being successfully implemented by the United Nations. Equitable society of the future will have no redistribution of wealth because there will be nothing to distribute. The government, the People's only employer, will have a simple distribution system that will reward obedience and punish dissent.
Marxism
Revolutionary theory according to which the more money one makes the less there is left for others (see Zero-Sum). The most important implication of Marxism is that it gives us a moral right to seize other people's property. Although people have always intuitively longed to liberate public property from private pockets (see Spontaneous Marxism), Karl Marx has provided a moral and philosophical foundation for such urges. Another important scientific discovery that Marx made was that our right to other people's property can be institutionalized through revolution, followed by a dictatorship of the proletariat, i.e., the rule of political commissars unrestrained by bourgeois morals.
Idealistic Activist
Any progressive who takes the Collectivist, Marxist message to any public forum. Commonly referred to as Peace Activist, Environmental Activist or Important Intellectual of our Time. Never to be confused with: Hateful Violent Reactionary Mob
Special thanks to Kommander Djin for photographs and other materials Kommander Djin Courageous Bureaucratic Official Headquarters Kommander of the Party's Counterintelligence Units
There are only two means by which men can deal with one another: guns or logic. Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns.
That is incorrect, just look at the toiling masses of San Francisco. They live in a state of total denial, and they banned gun ownership! They can defy logic and not resort to guns, but usually political debates with them end up in name-calling, crying, pant crapping, and more.
Fat kulachka is tantsovaying ochen kharoshly, but she needs to stopping it.
------
In reality she was blocking the camera - but we decided to go for the "artistic truth" which is ALWAYS superior to the "facts."
-- Red Square
Comrades!
This "Dancing Bear" is actually the proud example of Soviet Genetic Engineering!
She is a cross DNA specimen of Bella Abzug and Helen Thomas! Ha! Look closely...two eggs and no sperm. Try and comprehend!
Comrades! I applaud this victory over liberty, but I am disappointed by your publication of the "alternate" story. It is the job of the People's media to suppress opposing viewpoints and only display the Truth! I believe that the Party may be getting soft.
Certainly this is a wonderful little "baby step" in the correct direction. I would like to see more aggressive reappropriation of the Government's property, however. For example, with gas prices soaring, now is the time to push for Nationalization of the oil industry. Our Comrades in Venezuela have Nationalized, and now give free oil to the poor, rice cookers to the indigent, and provide jobs to thousands. Do not listen to the criminals who claim operational costs have increased by 76 percent. Why are we not Nationalizing and setting up a central ministry of oil production? I would gladly serve on the reappropriations committee in addition to my work at the Global Front for Healthcare. So, good work Comrade Wahler, but realize your efforts are puny!
All thats left is to aquire union labor to do any demolition work required on the farm, and to create trails for Piscataway's newest "open space". This is all very exciting........Wait just a moment here! My brain has just engaged. You mean their could have been 100 homes, a shopping mall or something that would require HUNDREDS of laborers, union contracts aplenty, kickbacks and the like? F the open spaces B.S. Me and the crew are going to have to pay the good Mayor a visit. Crappy plans like this happen because people try to sidestep the Boss. Not in Jersey, comrades, not in Jersey.
"Wait just a moment here! My brain has just engaged. You mean their could have been 100 homes, a shopping mall or something that would require HUNDREDS of laborers, union contracts aplenty, kickbacks and the like? F the open spaces B.S." .
NOOOOOOO!!!!! Comrade what are you thinking??!?! SHOPPING MALLS and HOMES, have you gone republican?! No, the open space must be converted into a CRICKET REFUGE. We must preserve the ecosystem and ensure that our cricket comrades live just as good as the human comrades of Piscataway. You and your "crew" will earn a decent living wage in the building of the cricket refuge. My estimates so far have each cricket house (roughly the size of a matchbox) is at 200,000$ a piece,so there is plenty of money and graff to go around while serving to preserve "nature".
No. Chairman Meow what are you thinking? The revolution has no need of cricket refuge. Liberals want things like cricket refuge. We are not weak liberals.
We will redistribute the land. The good peasants of Piscataway will be presented with titles to this land. The land goes from the rich to the poor. Then we will tell the peasants exactly what they will grow on their land and they will sell what they grow only to the revolutionary government. If they don't comply they will be charged with crimes against the state.
The rich have enslaved us too long.
Only the revolution can free the peasants from bondage.
I say we get advice from Zimbabwe. Mr. Mugabe has done a fine job with land reformation, and his progressive ideas are worthy of implementation here. I suggest we parse the land for farming by crack addicts to give them a chance at gainful employment.
Why not a re-education resort/camp for young and old alike? Spacious 5x8, reinforced concrete rooms surrounded by piles of rocks that need busting to help keep the 'guests' busy when their minds begin to fill with thought crimes such as private retirement accounts, private land ownership and individual achievement. Just a thought.
Comrade Otis I am ashamed and appalled to be called a "liberal" and have soiled myself because of it. My feelings are hurt and so are the countless numbers of crickets who suffer and toil everyday. One cricket who we shall call Gertrude sometimes has to choose between groceries and her prescription medication. Gertrude suffers from a number of ailments and sometimes cannot cope with the day to day struggle that is being a cricket. What about her Comrade Otis? Is it fair or dare I say progressive that Gertrude has to be confined to deplorable living conditions when she could live in a 200,000$ matchbox condo and have her own address which will allow her to take full advantage of the many social programs the Party offers? I think it's not fair, I think it’s cruel and intolerable to deny the smallest and kindest creatures that simply cannot compete in a world dominated by larger insects... Comrade, I believe in my bleeding heart that if the Party allows our cricket brethren to live within the watchful eyes of the state they can aide us this November. What would scare the white Chr****** males out of voting more then a swarm of rabid cricket pestilence armed with the benevolent teachings of Marx and Lenin? Perhaps a compromise can be reached Comrade Otis, how about each cricket gets at least 4 acres of land (fairly re-distributed of course) and each human comrade of Piscataway will receive 1 acre of land for a ditch to live in and a space to grow food for the collective... How does that sound? What’s left could be used for a re-education camp with plenty of rocks as the Union Boss suggested. Let us not squabble, let us both find the greater good for both the comrades of Piscataway and our cricket counterparts...
It's the future development site for "The Dachas at Potemkin Village" TM, a very exclusive gated community for the retired party privileged. Little park benches with chess tables, potato patches in the summer, an ice rink, a top shelf vodka martini bar, the Accordian Club, and a ballet theater. Everybody will have their own golf cart to drive around with (no golf though....too bourgeoisie) and there will be a 24 hour casino. The eminent domain of the very eminent! Better than the Kennedy Compound!
Chairman Meow I think we've been trumped. If the Party has decided to use this land for The Dachas at Potemkin Village then that is that. Oh well, such is life. Let's not squabble. There is plenty of land for us to liberate.
Friends, as a lover of New Jersey and a former Governor, I suggest we not miss an opportunity here.
We all love the Garden State, and we want to encourage tourism. Nothing can be more damaging to a tourist than not being able to find a good rest stop.
I suggest we create a rest stop on the vacant land worthy of our fine state. The stop would consist of a poorly-lit grassy area as well as a large dimly lit building, which would serve as the comfort area. There would be multiple rooms within the building with locking doors and mattresses on the floor. It would be frugal yet cozy. Of course, there would also be bathroom stalls and vending machines for snacks, sodas and condoms. I would also propose that the rest stop be a "privileged site," where tourists are free from harassment by local authorities. Nothing can be more aggravating to a tourist than nosy officers asking questions like, "why are you here," or "is there a reason you two don't have any pants on?"
A gated village!! Wow, that is wonderful. I entrust the gated village will be state of the art with the finest concrete walls and top notch wall guards to ensure that no one escap... err I mean breaks in. To France with the crickets, how many color TV's and Amerikan dollars is it going to take for me to bribe my way into such an exclusive retreat?
No bribes necessary Comrade Chairman! Your years of total party dedication has entitled you to the "Chairman's Suite" at The Dachas at Potemkin Village TM. Of course the "Premier's Suite" is reserved for Premier Betty but both suites are the very model of proletarian comfort. Cold running water! A new rice cooker imported from Cuba! A privacy curtain when you need that special time alone. (You'll be "time sharing" with 12 other socialists) Extra tinfoil for your black & white TV antenna. Electricity until 7PM every day except Saturday when it stays on until 8PM! Disinfectant for the newly dug latrine! And best of all, fresh bedding straw every month! It kinda makes you tingly all over, doesn't it?
We'll hold your reservation!
Laika
Oh thank you Comrade Laika, thank you! Wow, that is just great, just like what the Party Chairmen in North Korea get for serving the Party blindly. Oh happy days! Praise Her Excellency for all the gifts she gives to Her slaves! -- Meow
Comrades! I applaud this victory over liberty, but I am disappointed by your publication of the "alternate" story. It is the job of the People's media to suppress opposing viewpoints and only display the Truth! I believe that the Party may be getting soft.
I must have missed that before publication...I shall resign from my current post (only to go somewhere else, but you don't know that...if you do, you commit a thought crime, and I can get rid of you...)
Sounds more like a re-education camp to me. (as I suggested) I have never been in a re-education camp as of yet, so perhaps the cold running water, curtains, montly bedding exchange, TV, ect ect wouldn't be found in the less desirable re-education facilities. Being the great socialist I am, and caring about the less fortunate as I should, I hereby give up any slot to The Village that may be reserved in my name so that others may experience this 'luxury'. Now, if The Village needs employees to crack some skulls, I may be available. I am also pretty skilled at psycotherapy via a 'head vice'.
UB
Jersey
EDIT: I was in Piscataway today. (06/01) Would have liked to meet the Good Mayor, but was was on important mission and too busy to hunt him down. Figured I would see him skipping around some maypole and was hoping to give him some advice too. The place could use ALOT more open spaces. Like, everything within city limits type open spaces. They need to condemn the whole damn town. What a craphole. Sticking a fountain in a poop riddled pond is like trying to polish a turd.
I did land a fantastic deal on a few extra strength pallets though down on Prospect St.
Remember the good old days when Kulaks were liquidated by the People's Army without restitution? Piscataway should be a sister city with Harare, Zimbabwe and have a teach in on show trials for farmers.
Hi,
I watch each and every photos.The police officers were getting more and more aggressive. Then they switched their tactics. They were determined to detain us! All this time they kept demanding our identification papers.
========================
johni
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
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click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History