The People's Cube - BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

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BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

By Groupthink
5/5/2006, 1:17 pm

By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan

Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by "accident"? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?

Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!

The new "BurqaBag" is guaranteed to keep any female properly attired and is triple-ply tough. Just place the non-male into one of our bags and engage the cinch-top mechanism. Do not worry about air supply - our studies show there is at least two hours of air available.

Properly covered wife and female offspring

The BurqaBag is currently available in basic black, with the wheeled carrying case sold separately.

While these products may seem expensive and decadent, remember the last loss from your herd, then purchase our product!

Coming soon to Che-Mart!

Dress your women in smart BurqaBags and take them to the woods for a family picnic...

...and let them enjoy the sun

Fashionable BurqaBags allow your females safely to attend sports events and mingle with others in the women-only areas

Women can even engage in athletics themselves:
this pleasing pyramid features the famous team of non-male Baluhistan Acrobats!

Man's wives waiting for him at the bus stop

By Groupthink
5/5/2006, 1:53 pm

P.S.

Ever since we were young, National Dhimmigraphic was a source of passionate inspiration here at Propaganda Department wih regards to women's issues. However, we all have noticed the latest change from less covered females (so progressive in the days of our youth) to more covered and sometimes even completely covered females (what's progressive nowadays).

Nowadays our inspiration comes from National Dhimmigraphic stories and pictures like these:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/04/0427_060424_muslim_sports.html

which has already been reported on the People's Blog last week:

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=711

By Red Square
5/5/2006, 2:28 pm

And this from http://www.fuckfrance.com/topic/2027811/1/Discussions/Burqa-sunglasses.html

who promptly linked to our story...

Burqa sunglasses

By Red Square
5/6/2006, 12:18 am

A post by AggieSoonerMom on her blog ( http://www.xanga.com/aggiesoonermom ) who claims BurqaBarn was her idea:

Ten Reasons Why Wearing a Burqa Might Not Be All Bad

1.  No more bad hair days.
2.  No more bad skin days.
3.  They're the great figure equalizer; everybody looks 52-52-52.
4.  You can stare at people and make faces and nobody will be able to tell.
5.  Purchase one or two boxes of X-large Hefty bags, and your wardrobe is set for a full year.
6.  Annoying people you wish to avoid won't know it's you under there.
7.  Uncomfortable, constraining undergarments not required.
8.  No one will know your age.... or sex, for that matter.
9.  In a pinch, it could double as a tent.
10. You can smuggle a really large hoagie and a six-pack of beer into the stadium.

So, in case we are every conquered by Muslim extremists, it will be important to look on the bright side. Those daily stonings can really get you down.

By Herschel Von Trapp
5/6/2006, 6:43 am

If you search for Hefty Bag and Burka, you will find that scores of people have had the idea -- it is not such an intellectual leap. However, the fine work of Mr. Ramadan rests in his point of view, which is priceless. The visual aids also help.

By Jauhara al Kafirah
5/6/2006, 9:06 pm

Thank you mr. Square. I being but a worthless woman can't thank you enough and in numerous positions for your fashion section. The thought of being able to mingle at sports events makes me all warm and runny inside. I can't wait to try on my new burqa.

By Premier Betty
5/8/2006, 6:39 pm

Thanks to the fact that I'm a guy I can chose weather or not to wear a BurqaBag anytime I want. That way I can sneak large quantities of food into the theater and when the lights are out, consume everything and throw everything away on the way out!

By Red Square
5/8/2006, 10:31 pm

More pictures from Free Republic:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1627887/posts

How about the 2006 Patriotic Burka?

Hey, wait! Before you go, how about a nice little burka for the kids?

While you're shopping, have you seen the new summer style? We embroider free . . .

By Red Square
10/5/2006, 11:20 am

By S.A.F. Marshal Pravda
10/5/2006, 11:45 pm

...laughing my ass off...good one Comrade! You are indeed the "Redest" of them all!

Jihad Bride is brilliant (as are all of them, of course!).

Also, to add clarification, we are all Red, some are just more Red than others.

By Comrade Commissar
10/6/2006, 5:32 am

I hurt from laughing, the Seasame Street one was the best. I tip my cap to you sir!

By valeyard
10/9/2006, 7:32 am

I want this on a t-Shirt now! LOL

By S.A.F. Marshal Pravda
11/16/2006, 11:06 pm

Surely the fall lineup is on store shelves by now?

By Comrade Squealer
11/17/2006, 9:04 am

One of our progressive arab brothers (I admire their revolutionary spirit, but what will we do about their addiction to religion?) sagely noted that uncovered women attract assault the way uncovered meat attracts cats. Perhaps our comrades at Ziploc might release a product to keep the meat fresh?

By S.A.F. Marshal Pravda
11/17/2006, 9:18 pm

Now THAT is an excellent idea, Comrade! hmmm fresh meat Smile

Or better, Food Saver...

By Red Square
2/12/2007, 2:29 pm

Islamo-Fashions in London:

Islamo-Fashionista submit their Autumn/ Winter 2007/8 collections. The elegant scarf around the insolent woman's face is designed to hide bruises, broken nose, and missing teeth she will be duly rewarded with when her master finds out that she failed to cover her lower meat portions.

By Jon Quixote
2/13/2007, 1:05 am

Dear Comrade:

I hope you realize just how terribly politically incorrect all this burqa-bashing is. I mean, day after day, hour after hour, we are scolded into accepting that Muslims shall have special rights in our society, that we all must make special accomodations so they will not feel "uncomfortable."

Perhaps a better way to fight back would be to insist upon getting the party's message out in a similarly in-your-face fashion (well, except for those wearing a burqa). For example, standing on streetcorners with loudspeakers, barking out Communist principles. Er wait... that's already happening in most university campuses around the nation. Hm. Well, how about special Marx-worshipping rooms in airports and arenas? See, then we can all "have our say."

OK, now I've given myself a proletariat-sized headache.

Carry on with the most excellent work, Chairman... love the magazine cover!!!

Smile

By Red Square
2/14/2007, 3:39 pm

I wonder if special post-mastectomy burqas and swimwear are also being designed.

By Red Square
2/14/2007, 4:35 pm

By Dr. W. S. Palimpsest
2/14/2007, 7:22 pm

So what did I buy my favorite female grad student for V-day? A burqa, of course. I've even arranged for an Iranian mullah to "marry" us for three minutes. It's role-playing night - or, what I like to call, the "Magic Carpet Ride!" <Shut Yo Mouth>

Nothing says "I Love You" like a burqa and a three minute marriage. I also wrote her a poem:

Roses are Red,
And so am I.

On a side note, I know an English fashion designer who opened a store in London called "Burqerotique". He always used to say to me, "Dr. P, it's what you can't see that makes the burqa so sexy." He played around with the lines; you know, raising a hem here, making a tighter fit there, and so on. Some of the Islamo-couture showcased in Comrade Red's post reminds me of his sensuous, "Haremesque" designs.

Apparently, the local Imam didn't agree and said that my friend had better close his store or they'd "Salman Rushdie his ass."

Needless to say, Burqerotique is no longer opened for business.

By Laika the Space Dog
2/15/2007, 7:37 am

That girl with the shake that went with those fries and burger.....does she work for BurqaKing?

Cover the ankle, that will fret us
Cover the face, that upsets us
All we demand is that you dress up our Muslim way.

By Sister Massively Opiated
2/15/2007, 8:53 am

Laika - Curriculum Vitae:
Friend of the People
Hero Cosmo-Dog
Presidential Hopeful
Bard Emeritus - The People's Cube

... "the shake that went with those fries".... Atomic Dog?

By Red Square
3/12/2007, 2:21 pm

Burqa Band

(Update: the original burqa band video has now been removed from YouTube - but here it is in a different version with German subtitles)

The story behind the video: http://www.grasstopsusa.com/videoblueburka.html

By Sister Massively Opiated
3/12/2007, 4:49 pm

Burqas are (apparently) blue for a couple reasons - the first is that blue is traditionally a protective colour in Mediterreanean and Muslim societies as it is thought to protect one against the Evil Eye. In the Middle East, many Muslim school children are dressed in blue uniforms or wear blue smocks to protect them. Similarly, many houses and other buildings have blue painted window and door frames to keep evil out.

As for burqas... they aren't all blue. In many parts of the Muslim world, they are black or dark navy. The lighter blue we associate with Afghanistan is actually just the colour favoured by the Taliban. It has simply become the customary colour in Afghanistan. In other parts of the Muslim world, you are as likely to see black or dark navy. Some think that the lighter blue became more common and was eventually favoured by the Taliban because there was less contrast between it and the woman's underlying skin tone, thereby reducing that much more the potential for her face to be seen at all. With darker coloured burqas, it is easier to discern a woman's eyes, even through the mess veil, and for this she can be stoned to death.

What is interesting is that there were shots in the video of women on the street with their bare hands and ankles/shoes/feet showing. While I wouldn't say it's much of an improvement, when the Taliban were still in power, simply showing any bare skin was enough for a woman to be stoned to death or summarily shot. Today on any street in Saudi Arabia or Egypt, you could easily find a woman in a black burqa who's hands are completely gloved in matching black and who would never allow her feet or ankles to be seen.

So... the blue burqas in Afghanistan are really just like a gang-affiliation thing - like the Bloods wearing red and the Crips wearing blue... Afghani women are just representing!

By Premier Betty
3/14/2007, 9:50 pm

It says that the video is no longer available. I guess they were afraid of offending someone.

By Red Square
3/14/2007, 10:07 pm

Video above has been updated.

By liberal
2/11/2008, 1:46 am

You guys are psycho to some next level extent!
i mean c'mon
DOESN'T A NUN COVER HERSELF?
what about them!?
its not fair.
when a nun covers, she is known as a pious woman.
but when a muslim woman covers through her own free will,
she is known as an oppressed woman!
A woman doesn't cover because her "husband told her" to do.
it doesn't work that way.
HECK, it CAN'T work that way because you're suppose to do it for God
not some mhere human.
Muslim women don't say anything when other non-muslims walk around half naked.
Why does the fact that they cover themselves bother people then?
How is that a woman who hides her beauty from random men a bother to someone?!
You're making fun of their belief
i mean like c'mon
everyone has a right to religion
freedom to believe
And freedom of speech doesn't mean to harmfully hurt a muslim woman's feelings by telling them to wear a garbage bag!
frigin
why does covering up beauty bother you people so much?
beauty as in your freakin chest, ass, body, hair, lips, etc.
When you think about it,
even the slightest part of a woman can be attractive you know?
i swear like even her hands for example!
why do you think girls get their nails nd shit done?
Thats why muslim are forced to cover themselves.

Peace.

btw the video doesn't work?

By Premier Betty
2/11/2008, 1:49 am

Nuns don't cover every single part of their body. They're faces are exposed. And they chose to be nuns. These women have to abide by the burka whether they like it or not.

By Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
2/11/2008, 2:39 am

Our misguided liberal wrote

A woman doesn't cover because her "husband told her" to do.
it doesn't work that way.
HECK, it CAN'T work that way because you're suppose to do it for God
not some mhere human.

I'm afraid that's not entirely true, Mr. liberal. Have a look at this article from the Institute for War and Peace Reporting.

Quote

Mir Akram, a psychology professor at Kabul University, agrees that the burqa is necessary to protect women from unwanted attention.

"Wearing a burqa is a kind of exploitation that men visit on women," he said. "A woman on the street without a burqa is seen as fair game for any sort of male overtures. Men are always making remarks and cursing women, and this certainly has a negative effect."

Quote

Women have been wearing them for centuries, but until the Taleban era they were just one of several choices for Muslim women who wished to conform to Islamic standards of modesty. Islam requires that a woman wear the hijab, or veil, to cover the head and neck, and long sleeves and trousers.

Quote

One prominent Kabul mullah, who asked to remain anonymous, agrees the Muslim faith does not prescribe the wearing of the burqa, saying the Taleban's actions in forcing women to wear the garment were actually against the laws of Islam. "Women are required to wear the hijab, which allows the face, hands, and feet to remain uncovered," he said. "Those who say that the burqa is part of Islamic law are mistaken."

But tradition dies hard, particularly in a society where literacy rates are low and most people get their information by word of mouth. In the Taimani neighborhood of Kabul, IWPR's questions about the burqa provoked an angry reaction from one woman.

"Wearing the burqa is part of Islam. Every Muslim woman must wear one. Why are you disobeying the laws of Islam?" said the woman before rushing away with her burqa billowing behind her.

And I like the way that you defend your position that it's the woman's choice to wear the Burqa (or Hijab) and no one forces them by saying "Thats why muslim are forced to cover themselves."

Classic Liberal double speak. Turn to Communism, my misguided comrade, and you will be cured of the confusion.

-Mikhail

By Red Square
2/11/2008, 3:51 pm

I'd like to see a picture of a nun who went shopping without her garb and was beaten for it by her husband.

Your logic, Liberal, suggests that in a Muslim society all women are expected to be nuns. You can't possibly believe that 100% of them are willing. Your argument disproves itself.

I guess rushing to judgment with half-baked thoughts is what makes one a Liberal.

It's the same thinking that led Western liberals to believe that 100% of Soviets were willing builders of communism under the glorious leadership of [insert your favorite Soviet leader here]
Or that 100% of Iraqis supported Saddam Hussein and repeatedly re-elected him to his post. Or that 100% of Persians support the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and want to live in a mullocracy.

The next time you want to make a similar argument about Muslim women, please first ask yourself whether you would like to be a woman in a Muslim society.

By Commissarka Pinkie
2/11/2008, 4:29 pm

I typed out a whole long rant to Liberal, suggesting among other things that he must be Superman with X-ray vision, to see thru a burqa to read a Muslim woman's lips--how else would he know she never says anything about half-naked non-Muslims? But when I hit "submit" I got "server is busy", lost the post, said some very bad words, and decided to leave it at this since you men have made a good argument already:

http://www.financialpost.com/conrad_black/story.html?id=159480

By Red Square
2/11/2008, 4:58 pm

Thanks for the link! The father is the murderer, although he surely regrets this now. But part of the blame in this girl's death also lies on the Canadian multiculturalists who view conformity to the Western standards in Canadian immigrants as an undesirable submission to the DWEM cultural hegemony, while submission to Sharia law is encouraged.

And sorry about the lost post, Pinkie. We've had an unusually large number of visits today. I've had that happen to me before, and now whenever I realize my post is getting big, I copy it into a Word document and continue writing it there. That way, if the browser starts playing tricks, the content is still safe and I can paste it again.

By Comrade Otis
2/12/2008, 7:49 pm

liberal wrote

Liberal's poem.

Comrade! What a beautiful poem. You really must write more for us. This is good stuff. I admire your bravery and courage. Please, you must submit more. You are exceptionally bright and intelligent. I like seeing that. The Party has many uses for people of your caliber. I would say don't be a stranger, but now that you've posted we know you! You are most useful.

By b19bux
4/21/2008, 6:26 pm

yet 70% of all people converting to islam are women, makes you wonder...
i think the americans have used the media very cleverly to create a negative image of muslims, so we all hate muslims, and no one gives a fuck when they go hunting in muslims countries

By Red Square
4/21/2008, 7:14 pm

And of course the Americans are doing it deliberately. Which would not be possible if they hadn't planned everything in advance, as part of a conspiracy to create a negative image of Muslims, and then went a-huntin' to the Middle East. The key word here is conspiracy.

And the worst co-conspirator is George W. Bush, who is literally pulling strings of the mainstream media puppets. And the media puppets shamelessly dance to his music. Just watch any press conference. The journalists never criticize Bush or ask him difficulty questions. They are fawning over him, protect him from hurtful remarks, and tell us how clean and articulate he is - as if the Western media has not a iota of dignity, independence, or judgment left.

NPR, BBC, CNN, MSNBC, AP, and all others from the start have been mere doormats for Bush and the Americans, spewing jingoistic propaganda of militarism, capitalism, imperialism, colonialism, religion, and oppression of the free-thinking atheist Muslims, who have done nothing whatsoever to cause this attitude.

It is now clear that the Muslims are suffering simply because they happen to be living on top of a large sea of oil. That proves to be true everywhere the Muslims are - London, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, or Copenhagen. I think if you drill deep enough in those traditionally Muslim habitats you will find lots of oil. The Americans know this, and once again they are using the media to give Muslims a bad name. They do it so that in the future, when the Muslims become a dominant group in that area, Americans could go hunting to Europe and steal all the British, French, Spanish, and Scandinavian oil.

By Red Square
4/21/2008, 7:32 pm

I just thought that "Bush and the Americans" is a good name for a rock band.

By Superkommissar Maksim
4/21/2008, 9:20 pm

b19bux wrote

Yes, very clever indeed. Just look how they have slandered poor Yaser Said who was only trying to be a good father.

WANTED FOR MURDER: "HONOR KILLER" YASER SAID, CHILD RAPIST, MURDERER, DAD ALL AMERICAN GIRLS SARAH & AMINA

By Ivan the Fool
4/29/2008, 11:43 am

"I guess rushing to judgment with half-baked thoughts is what makes one a Liberal." In a nut shell.

The burqa and hijab are for only one purpose; to be a constant reminder to women that their fate is in the hands of men, be that father, brothers, husbands or even strangers on the street.

By Red Square
4/16/2009, 6:03 pm

I am compelled to revive this thread with this painting by an Iranian artist living in the West.

Nicky Nodjoumi
The Seduction of Mullah Mohammed, 2003
Oil on Canvas
68 x 50 inches

...and also with this photo in the "life imitates art" category:

By Lenin 'n' Things
4/16/2009, 6:53 pm

S.A.F. Marshal Pravda wrote

Now THAT is an excellent idea, Comrade! hmmm fresh meat Smile

Or better, Food Saver...

LOL! Seal-a-chick(or bitch,as warranted)

By My Name Is Top Secret
4/19/2009, 1:38 pm

After reading this article, I will never be able to take out the trash in the same way ever again. I may, unbeknownst to myself, even be hauling a live person, which would explain why it is always so heavy. I think I'll just start kicking trash bags at random and listen for the most attractive yelp. Also, I can use it for my secret missions as a secret disguise while secretly undercover.

Also, red square, due to the combination of you're recently posted pictures and those of the obama/dolphicorn article, I have been convinced to take a vow of chastity for the good of the party. Long live the cube!

By Red Square
4/28/2009, 6:17 pm

By S.A.F. Marshal Pravda
4/30/2009, 12:06 am

this has always been a favorite thread of mine...LOOKIE!!! Muslim butt crack!!!

By Commissarka Pinkie
4/30/2009, 8:22 am

Red Square wrote

As one of my crumb boyfriends would say, "Wow! Now those chicks are stacked!"

By Sister Massively Opiated
4/30/2009, 10:49 am

Red Square wrote

oooOOOoooh! Souvenir Taliban salt and pepper shakers... those are gonna be worth something on eBay in about 50 years. Do they make a mill version?

By Sister Massively Opiated
4/30/2009, 11:03 am

I think they might bring back Iran's Next Top Martyr! And to go up against the newest reality hit, Oxygen Network's "Pretty Wicked", English Al Jezeera is doing a show where 12 potential suicide bombing females live together in a house and compete to win challenges, the ultimate prize being their mostly devoutly wished for Martyrdom... It's called "She's da Bomb!"

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Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu

Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'

DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry

Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15

WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use

DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck

Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank

Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"

Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech

Segway and GM launch a
2-wheeled contraceptive

Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"

Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism

Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism

Obama gives Queen a shovel

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NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann

Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'

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Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'

After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape

Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh

Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside

Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend

Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube

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Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"

Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest

Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror

Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it

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Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice

Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing

Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge

Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans

Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge

No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention

Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies

MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'

Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'

More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers

Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20

Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America

You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy

Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.

Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers

Somali pirates hijack international space station

Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!"

Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria

US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force

Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber

Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!

Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word

FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them

World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'

Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'

Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash

Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

Biden calls taxes patriotic

Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter

Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected

KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"

Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"

Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart

Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked

Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals

International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes

Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement

February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."

Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag

US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph

Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score

Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years

NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq

Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia

Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached

Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge

Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.

Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?

Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein

Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt

Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?

CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company

Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem

Hillary supporters organize against Obama

Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Elian Gonzales - my kid is a Communist Party Honor Student

Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest

Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures

Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake

Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'

NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station

Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination

Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media

Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead

Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up

New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar

As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved

Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

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Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket

Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it

International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma

Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator

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North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!

Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich

Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise

Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Stop and smell the Sharpies

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy

Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month

NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes

Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself

New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey

KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'

London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard

Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg

USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp

Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity

Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote

Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'

Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp

Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General

Brokeback Mountain loses climber

NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars

Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers

Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib

Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win

Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course

Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally

High school Meth teacher starts new class

Holy Mitt!

Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%

Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick

Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive

"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway

Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate

Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes

"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.

Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'

NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough

Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress

Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"

US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November

Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.

LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead

USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia

MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home

Reid: The war on fire is lost

Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire

Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California

NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore

Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?

San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault

Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark

End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France

Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"

Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"

Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics

Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"

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Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart

Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming

To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama

Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes.

George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam

Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers

John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care

Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill

Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"

Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense

"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death

New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face

Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists

Al Gore to recall the Internet

Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month

First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle

Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead

William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package

Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos

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Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability

London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings

Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"

Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"

Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

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Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric

Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?

US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq

US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?

Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"

MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!

Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page

As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant

Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory

Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"

Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey

Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"

French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results

Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture

Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely

Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time

Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids

ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'

Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops

Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling

Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision

Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves

Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases

Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming Jelly

New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system

Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket

Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"

Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up

Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards

Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries

Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?

Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues

Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED

Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright

Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission

Is it time for Pinochet yet?

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

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