I once played the game for seven hours straight and never once got bored!
It's exceedingly addictive, but in a good way, of course. I think I can use it to help improve the focus of my students, the majority of whom have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), the plague of our postmodern age.
I have been diagnosed with D.U.M.B. Syndrome, (Dangerously Underdeveloped Mush for Brains) and this can occupy my time for hours on end. I frequently have to reffer back to this page though because I am constantly forgetting how to operate it.... Wait... what are we talking about again?
Dumb and D.U.M.B. are two diffirent things. "dumb" is a made-up capitalist extortion word used to demean the population. D.U.M.B. is a scientifically diagnosed disease common in today's youth. The fact that they sound the same is complete coincidence... I think....
I believe Komrade Ivanov is correct. Betty, you seem to have forgotten that no one has mush for brains. Everyone is equal. Completely equal. For your dedicated service, you will only recieve a refresher course... this time...
Am I detecting a "Prolier than Thou" attitude from Comrades Ivanov and Koz? You must realize that while all of us are equal, some of us (i.e., the Party elites--nomenklatura) are more equal than others.
Hey, It's not like I made the disease up, that's just what the doctor told me I had. After all he is a doctor.... I'm sure the real disease is nowhere nearly as bad as the name suggests, I think.
Am I detecting a "Prolier than Thou" attitude from Comrades Ivanov and Koz? You must realize that while all of us are equal, some of us (i.e., the Party elites--nomenklatura) are more equal than others.
Not at all Komrade Palimpsest! Forgive me for forgetting rule 1) of the proliteriate!! I am shamed. I will report for re-education immediately.
Prof. Palimpsest,
There was never a "Prolier than Thou" attitude from either Komrade Koz or myself (nor was there any intention to demonstrate one)...I wanted that to be cleared up. Of course we know there are some who are more equal than others! Why would I have been educated by the Institute for Re-education if I was going to lose the education quickly? Just clearing things up.
Vladimir Ivanov
Red Journalism Headquarters, Moscow, USSR
To be quite honest, there is nothing wrong with having a "Prolier than Thou" (PTT) attitude, provided you're able to back it up with a convincing record of actions that you've taken to promote the Party and its progressive agenda. Frankly, PTT has been the bedrock of my academic career and I've used it quite adeptly to advance beyond many of my equally capable colleagues. Actually, PTT posturing, when performed in the correct manner, is a sure-fire way of rising through the Party ranks. What is the correct manner, you may ask? Ah, that is the question, indeed! It's rather tricky, being contigent on the capricious will of the Party elite at any given moment in time. So be careful!
Nonetheless, it is always advisable to inform against those whom you believe may be engaging in thought crime. Just be sure that they can't turn the tables on you! When the purges come: better them than you, right?!
stape using your rasources, ancluding your branes, for personayl use. you shade bee thanking about they collective, remabar thayt no won owns anythin an a commayst society, idioths.
Et ees nic to se tht ther ar peple oot ther tht ar on the sam intellectual levl as me.
Coming to the Socialist Dry Goods Store within a month or so.
Comrade Red Square
These will not be for sale. Using such a capitalist method to distribute them would dilute the anti-capitalist message. You must report to the cube ration card distribution center where you will be issued your ration card (average wait in line 9 hours). You must then take your ration card to be approved and stamped by the central committe of cube approval (average waiting time 6 hours, plus you must bribe committee members to get approval stamp). Then you may go to the sube distribution center and pick up your cube!! (wait time 10 hours). Of course to protect against horders, profiteers, and other counter-revolutionaries, you must start and finish this process within the same day.
Forgive me if I am out of line, I am a feeble peasant looking for a chance to rise in the ranks of social equality and moral superiority. I'm willing to sell my soul for reeducation even if I have to wait in line for a week. Advice needed.
Selling your soul is not necessary. The idea of "selling" goes along with "profit". This means that only you and the buyer gain. Instead you must give up your soul for the common good and become a prefect little conformist robot.
It took Jimmy Carter a couple of tries, but by George, he finally got it! Once he stopped trying to take the decals off and rearrange them so the colors matched, he nailed it!
They will help you with all questions (in exchange for your vote and rejection of civilized capitalists ways and reality a.k.a. Western Civilization)- Monday through Fridays 3:50 - 4:00 pm, except on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays (when closed for diversity training and commune educational seminars and union dues spending sprees).
Chief Main Big Organ M.O.E.
(oh - if you are a white male Christian - do not appeal for aid).
Well, I tried your approach but the DNC didnt understand the object of the puzzle too well even though they claimed they are a "sanctioned" authority on the people's entertainment. However, they almost succeeded in convincing me that I needed to strap on a few pounds of plastic explosives and take myself to a local capitalist pig shopping center to avenge those globalized oppressive mall rats. In four part harmony, the DNC sang to me about the mall rats:
"What have they done to the earth?
What have they done to our fair sister?
Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her
Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn
And tied her with fences and dragged her down"
IT'S SPIN CITY AGAIN By HEIDI SINGER
November 19, 2005
The famed spinning cube of Astor Place — a sculpture known as "Alamo" — was returned to its Cooper Square home of almost 40 years yesterday, scrubbed, scraped, painted and buffed.
"The cube is back!" shouted Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe, as city officials, cheering neighbors and creator Tony Rosenthal unveiled the spiffed-up sculpture and took it for its first spin.
Photo: Josh Williams
PHOTO COOPER SQUARED: The return of "Alamo" - the restored 1967 piece - is hailed by lovers of "revolutionary" art yesterday in Cooper Square.
City officials removed the cube for renovation suddenly in March, sparking conspiracy theories and howls of protest from old-time East Villagers, graffiti artists and skater kids alike, who worried it had been removed because of a glitzy new building across the street.
The piece — installed in 1967 as "Sculpture in Environment," and later dubbed "Alamo" — has been a major neighborhood landmark and gathering spot for graffiti-loving gutter punks and drunk frat boys who used it for "spinning" contests.
I oppose The People's Cube Manual. It will divide us into groups of those who know how to use The People's Cube, and those who don't.
Comrade,
Thanks for your input (ahh, wait...YOUR input?). The People's Cube can be used by all. The People's Cube Manual is certainly not a necessity. In fact, maybe we'll name it as The People's Cube Supplement...then we'll all know how to use it.
The People's Cube continues to win over hearts and minds of the masses!
Inspired by our example, Fred Fry International developed a concept of the People's Chess in which there is no conflict. You are never in any danger of losing either of your pieces or even losing the game.
Example: People's Pawns
Fred Fry International wrote
No longer a bit-player in the real game of chess, these guys take center stage with no other pieces to steal their thunder. Every piece on the board is equally important and every piece is equally protected.
Good job, comrade! How does an honorary degree in progressive revisionism look to you? We at Karl Marx Treatment Center are always looking for new blood red corpuscles.
That chess game still needs much more improvement, Comrade Red Square. As you can see, the white chess pieces are preventing the black chess pieces from advancing by poisoning their malt liquor and using crop dusters to rain down magnesium over their squares which causes the black chess pieces to become “stupid”, “lazy, and “violent” as Dick Gregory would claim. We also have to take into account that the pieces are black and white as opposed to the more progressive and forward-thinking shade of grey which is where real morality can be found.
In short, I give Comrade Fry an “A+” for effort and an “A+” for morally superior failure.
Where's the Red Queen and Bishop Gore?
No Mimes...err...I mean Knights?
What about the Ivory Rooks of Academia?
Sorry I forgot to insert the link to the original post by Fred Fry. I put it where it belongs above.
Here are the the progressive bishops. Each player's pieces have exclusive use of their color squares. You can get right up to your opponents pieces, but you are never in any danger of losing either of your pieces or even losing the game.
The Pieces Too Dangerous to Put on the Board:
Fred Fry wrote
As you can see, I found no place for these pieces in the world of 'new' Chess. First both the Queen and the Rooks are just too powerful. They can run right across the board, creating havoc as they go. Then there are the knights. They have the ability to jump over other pieces, which is very much like walking over other people. That is very un-PC, so they need to go.
The little red cube is excellent teaching tool and such a comfort. In just one match, effects of belonging and conformity are overpowering! Try one hand matches in pocket without looking. Bread lines will never seem so welcome!
My fragile self esteem is not cut out for school (at least private schools where you have to actually earn your grades) or the corporate world, but I have finally found my place in this world with The People's Cube.
Since Komrade Obama is now Czar, I was wondering if I can still exploit the evil Kapitalism, to reeducate the lowly masses.. I would trade my Messiah-issued fur cap for one.
Komrads! This page is now officially linked to the Rubik's Cube page in Wikipedia. There are three People's Cube links on that page: one leads here, and the other two lead to the People's Cube Wikipedia page set up for this site by Commissar Maksim.
Everybody gets an extra ration of beets tonight! Potato vodka is on the house! Somebody get the ladder!
a masterful promotion, Director!! Bravo! Hurray! The Order of Lenin should go to you, my sage Leader.
ALL HAIL TO THE PEOPLE'S CUBE !!! LET'S PARTY COMRADES!
On the other hand comrades, boasting about having conquered the Cube with our Superior Collective Brain will seem silly when it is discovered that any and every prole can do likewise. We must convince them that we can do the Cube better than them because we are more equal than them. Then they will know their place within the collective and submit happily to their reeducation station.
On the other hand comrades, boasting about having conquered the Cube with our Superior Collective Brain will seem silly when it is discovered that any and every prole can do likewise. We must convince them that we can do the Cube better than them because we are more equal than them. Then they will know their place within the collective and submit happily to their reeducation station.
Comrade Tonya,
There are many imitators, but none better than the CUBE! You would do well to remember that prole. When our true Leader Red Square delcares that we should party, we PARTY! Got it?? Good newbie. Don't worry, I know you will quickly catch on.
The glorious Cube is once again available in the Dry Goods Store. I have procured one, which was delivered today via the People's Mail Delivery Service.
I have bought liberated a Cube. It arrived today but I picked it up today. I must say, I am satisfied with The People's outcome. I shall use it to re-educate myself and everyone around me to turn them into People.
I denounce Comrade Red Square for capitulating to the pressures of the so called "free market" and raising the price of the cube to 21.99 CEUs. Luckily I got mine while it was still 19.99 CEUs, but what does this say about fairness??
I have bought liberated a Cube. It arrived today but I picked it up today. I must say, I am satisfied with The People's outcome. I shall use it to re-educate myself and everyone around me to turn them into People.
Why don't you take a picture or two of the Cube next to some recognizable places in Israel and send them to us as a proof of your loyalty to the cause of spreading total equality?
I denounce Comrade Red Square for capitulating to the pressures of the so called "free market" and raising the price of the cube to 21.99 CEUs. Luckily I got mine while it was still 19.99 CEUs, but what does this say about fairness??
The new shipment of the cubes turned out to be more expensive than the previous one. The retail price had to be raised for the sake of the equality of income as well as outcome!
I denounce Comrade Red Square for capitulating to the pressures of the so called "free market" and raising the price of the cube to 21.99 CEUs. Luckily I got mine while it was still 19.99 CEUs, but what does this say about fairness??
The new shipment of the cubes turned out to be more expensive than the previous one. The retail price had to be raised for the sake of the equality of income as well as outcome!
Very Progressive, Dear Leader!!! This concept would explain why we should all be prepared for massive tax hikes:
1. Spend a trillion CEUs we don't have (deficit spending) under the guise of stimulus and redistribution of wealth
2. Insist you're going to half the deficit. Look comrades! I took an empty glass, filled it with water, and will now drain half. Look! Progress! Reform! CHope!!!
3. Increase taxes to European proportions to cover the difference and provide equality of income and outcome
4. Laugh as the REAL redistribution takes place
CUPON?!?!?!!! The price is quite equal. Click the Dry Goods link at the top of the page, add one to your People's Shopping Cart, PayPal your CEUs (carbon credits accepted as alternative currency as well) over to The Party Coffer, and wait by your mailbox Comrade.
I cannot wait for the cube alloted to me to arrive. I shall take it on a whirlwind tour of Olympia. Just think, soon Comrade Cube will visit the Washington State Capitol building!
I received my most wonderful Cube today, and spent HOURS manipulating it while listening to NPR. Already I feel much more progressive! Did you know you can make all sides red even with your eyes closed?
Also, is there an exploding version of The People's Cube I can use as a grenade? Twist a side, count to three and then throw it at a Class Enemy?
Talk about boring! You and your conservative cronies are like drones.
Comrades this is glorious! I always enjoy coming across psychological projection. It is almost as thrilling as the sick sardonic jokers we secprogs are. Seeing comrade USR get utterly annoyed because we secprogs here at The Cube are far more progressive that he'll ever be is quite rewarding.
Thanks for providing us with a game where every Comrade is a loser and nobody is a winner. The equal distribution of misery is something we should all strive to live under.
Where does line form to sign up for people's cube? How many years are required to receive permission to submit roubles to pay for cube? How many years to await cube to be lost in mail? Finally, how many roubles to bribe reward postman for suddenly finding people's cube in mailbag?
Grateful to live in advanced country other peoples can only dream of.
Line forms right where you stand, in the ObamaNation. Year required for ruble submission: 0, please submit all payments NOW! Years to await Cube, 4-8 depending on your degree of re-education. How many rubles do you have? The Postman appreciates a hefty reward for his findings.
Your sentiments have been acknowledged by The Party™.
Husband does not bring home many roubles after buying vodka at government store. Therefore must save for many months for enough for authentic peoples cube. Am considering using red marker on old rubik's cube somewhere in apartment. Is such recycling activity allowed by compassionate collective?
It is against Party rules to even poses the neo-kulak rubiks cube, this piece of kapitalist debauchery should have burned in your furnace a long time ago. These items have been known to pollute the environment just by there very existence. I understand your concern for The Earth™ and trying to save resources, but we are way beyond that comrade. You need a jet plane, a yacht, and a limo to run while you are in meetings, just like The Goreman, if you expect to move forward in the Parties enviro sanctity unit.
Husband burned counter-revolutionary cube in furnace last evening. Created enough heat to bring apartment temperature up 2 degrees Celsius. Wishing I consulted Comrade Rooster months ago when winter was freezing our collective noogies off!
Considering job at bar where husband stops after day at tractor factory. Husband said in backwards countries is such a thing as "tips" where waitress actually paid for service. However, does that mean such a job requires smiling? Or delivering drinks without spilling or sampling behind bar with Ivan? Not wanting job that makes too tired to watch Dear Leader spell out glorious future for our people.
Still learning to shed kapitalist thoughts.
Have you heard of these "tips"? It sounds like kulak activity to me. Perhaps should denouce to flag address.
And purchase your People's Cube to support The Party™ in our efforts to stomp out kapitalism! All proceeds go to the Chairman's fund for the proletariat so that he can go on more trips to France with Michelle on Air Force One for shopping sprees. And well... Nancy Pelosi needs another People's™ lear jet. It's for The Children™.
Humbly begging pardon for kapitalist thoughts and instincts. Will purchase People's Cube after sneaking vodka money from husband.
Needing much re-education; hoping to be self trained and not requiring stay in Gulag college of soviet wisdom. Please to not denouce Comrad RedRum to commissar; will submit roubles immediately after husband drinks himself into stupor.
Comrade Collectivists! Come one, come all, to the glorious world of Shiny Things™! For even in the end, The Great Motherland sucked viciously, like the evil KKKapitalist, on the black gold of The Motherland!
And how much carbon footprint will these new electronic cubes create on the planet? BAN THEM ALL, I say. We might reconsider our boycott if they made all sides red - the only carbon-neutral color known to humynkind!
Da, Comrades. Studies must be done comparing the carbon emissions exhaled by persons solving the analog cube, versus the polar-bear-destroying 5-volt USB power being diverted into these cubes. Someone must answer for this crime against the planet!
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
