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The New York Times Predictor: 2006 Headlines
By Red Square
1/9/2006, 12:25 pm

With Bush's tax cuts spurring economic growth and prosperity, with the neo-con vision for Middle Eastern freedom gaining momentum, how will The New York Times manage to present these disasters as good news for progressive readers?

We at the People's Cube have developed a technology that emulates the thinking of the NYT headline writers. With just one mouse-click, without paying a dime at the newsstand, you can now generate an instant NYT headline that will brighten your day and ruin it for the capitalist pigs.

Whose heads will roll? What headlines will dominate the pages of the progressive media's famed "Battleship Potemkin" in 2006? Surely we'll see more of great headlines like these:

  • Iraq: Quagmire or Morass?
  • America: Decadent or Effete?
  • Is Winning a War Criminal? Many Think So
  • Can Losing a War be Good? Many Think So
  • Are All Americans Fat, Insensitive, Gun-Toting Morons? Many Think So
  • Is the NYT World's Best Paper? Many Think So

Copy your favorite headline
and post it below

Top 10 NYT Headlines in 2006

  1. Robust economy, high employment detrimental to the environment
  2. Baghdad dilemma: not enough abortion clinics
  3. Rebuilding of roads in Afghanistan leads to more traffic accidents
  4. US-made purple ink causes rash, fever: thousands of Iraqi voters hospitalized
  5. Freedom in Iraq linked to larger hole in ozone layer
  6. Iraqi parents: US-built schools cause child obesity
  7. Open political debate in Iraq triggers nation-wide laryngitis epidemic. Who will foot the bill?
  8. CNN reporter struck by SUV while crossing Halliburton-built road in Kirkuk
  9. Iraqi gays and lesbians critical of US Army over "don't ask, don't tell" policy
  10. New Iraqi troops can secure peace but their uniforms still don't look hot

Find the NYT Predictor gear in our store:

Just the front - or both front and back

 
Reply with quote
By NYT Headline Writer
1/9/2006, 1:07 pm

Thanks People's Cube! You've just made my job a helluva lot easier. Now, I don't really have to think at all. Just a couple clicks and I'm done. Well, I'm off for my three-martini power lunch.

Cruisin' the yellow seas of journalism on the Battleship Potemkin,

Anonymous NYT Headline Writer
 
Reply with quote
By SMERSH
1/9/2006, 1:38 pm

SMERSH. PREDICTS NEW ACTIONS IN 2007 FROM COMMUNISTS FOR CLINTON
 
Reply with quote
By PREMIER ANDROPOV
1/9/2006, 1:58 pm

VINCENT FOSTER FOUND ALIVE IN HILLARY'S BASEMENT , IRAQ STILL QUAGMIRE
 
Reply with quote
By Ivan Josefovich
1/9/2006, 2:47 pm

This is much better. It assures uneducated can work for NY Times. Tool good for proletariat. Not just bourgeois, Ivy league types need apply. Thank you People's Cube, friend of the soviet people! (10 years in row, how possible?)
 
Reply with quote
By Paul Kurgman
1/9/2006, 4:35 pm

Didn't I already do this one in 2005?

Analysts: School Voucher Program Increases Third World Debt
 
Reply with quote
By Village-Useful-Idiot
1/9/2006, 5:35 pm

Komrady - in honor of our most progressive leader and biggest village commune hyperbolist - Madam H.R. Cleenton (and student of A. Gore) the following proletariat horrifying headline is offered:

SUNLIGHT CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING -DAILY!!!!
 
Reply with quote
By Chief, Main Organ
1/9/2006, 5:50 pm

Komradniks:
You are urged to remember -this most glorious of socialist-utopian inventions -the "NYTime 2006 Headline Predictator" - is to be used as an addition and not as a substitute to the greatest of the glorious socialist-utopian inventions (even greater than the internet!) - none other than the A. Gore "Media's Historical Revision and News-story Concoction Machine" -



Chief, Main Organ of the Great Comintern AgitProp Directorate
 
Reply with quote
By G.SoreRUs
1/9/2006, 5:59 pm

I nominate the NYTimes for the greatest award of all socialist-progressive utopia and reality-fiction writing:

"The Order of the Walter Duranty Bourgeois Baffling and Genocide Cover-up Medal"

(this effort can be funded via one of my many tax exempt socialists charity and political-activists' operations financing organizations)
 
Reply with quote
By Pol_PotteryBarn
1/9/2006, 7:17 pm

FEMALE AMERICAN SOLDIERS ABUSE, INSULT MUSLIM INSURGENTS: WON'T WEAR VEILS, MENSTRUATE
 
Reply with quote
By Laika the Space Dog
1/9/2006, 9:30 pm

Smersh!

Is that really you? The Cube's Prodigal Son?
My Tail is Wagging and not the Space Dog!
Welcome Home!


Laika
 
Reply with quote
By FOX BUTTERFIELD
1/9/2006, 9:34 pm

"Despite Drop in Crime, an Increase in Inmates"

Oh wait, I really wrote that one!

LOOKIT' THIS
 
Reply with quote
By Chairman Meow
1/10/2006, 1:13 am

Bush Tax Cuts Linked to Increase in Hurricane Activity, Nature urges Wealth Re-Distribution.

New Study Proves Fox News can cause Impotence, Americans Asked to Watch More CNN.

No Child Left Behind Increases High School Graduations, Labor Unions Outraged.

Evolution Proven True, Missing Link Found in Clinton Family Tree.
 
Reply with quote
By Comrade Alexei
1/10/2006, 5:51 am

Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: Strong Consumer Spending Can Lead to Brain Damage

Indeed so! People's Cube, you just brightened up my day! Very Happy

BTW - why does this picture in the header say "куб народов"? It's like "cube of peoples" or something. IMO it should say "народный куб"



============
Dear Comrade Alexei -

Indeed, the literal translation would be "народный куб" but since "people's" in the English language modifies many nouns that, taken together as an idiom, can't translate in a literal way, we decided that we should go with a non-literal translation that would sound grandiose enough to reflect its true meaning. The closest approximation would be "куб народной демократии" but that may be too long. In German the precedent was "Volkswagen," hence "Volkswuerfel." In the Mother Tongue, there was Stalin's "дом народов" - hence "куб народов".

- Red Square
 
Reply with quote
By Comrade Alexei
1/10/2006, 5:54 am

The Fact Remains: Lack of Exit Strategy In Iraq Threatens Endangered Species
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Finally, the truth is known to the people!
 
Reply with quote
By Comrade Alexei
1/10/2006, 5:58 am

Gays and Lesbians: Prosperous Economy Can Lead to Brain Damage
Oh, come on! SO MUCH TRUTH in one day! It's killing me, I can't take it anymore.. Very Happy Very Happy
 
Reply with quote
By SMERSH
1/10/2006, 1:36 pm

LAIKA; YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A LOYAL DOG. (WANT TO GO TO PLUTO ??)
 
Reply with quote
By Cubbie the commie
1/10/2006, 4:59 pm

NYT Business News;  AARP's Belefonte to Endorse New Line of 48-Hour, Heavy Travel Depends, Secretly Field Tested by Jimmy Carter in North Korea.
 
Reply with quote
By Premier Betty
1/10/2006, 8:13 pm

Minority Groups: Underfunding Stem Cell Research Depletes Populations Of Penguins

No, not the penguins!
 
Reply with quote
By dissident agitator #96
1/10/2006, 9:52 pm

"Baghdad dilemma: not enough abortion clinics"

This is simply unfair, so much laughter was produced by this work of the 'people' that milk came out of my PINK nose...

Okay, while on the road today, being driven out of NYC to Princeton, NJ, our car viewed...

1. 'Kerry for President' bumper display cut off an older women and flip her off.

2. 'Friends don't let Friend's Vote Republican' bumper display drive into a toll booth, wrecking both car and booth.

3. 'War is not the Answer' bumper display tailgate some poor man, shooting, hand waving, horn honking, showing massive aggression and road rage.

I hate to stereotype, but I feel I am seeing a trend...

Are these DNC Liberal Nuts just plain upset, or were they nasty, ugly, pathetic to begin with?
 
Reply with quote
By Chief, NoAmPPsAgitPropCD
1/10/2006, 10:52 pm

Komradchik DisAgit #96!

Fie and double fie upon you! What you have witnessed are none other than main-organ members of the proletariat vanguard of the Soros and Dhimmicrat (commonly known by their fake name "Democrats") and secret legions who are engaged in the most important of all works - causing division and disorientation among the bourgeois masses.
It may seem that their activities are uncouth, uncivilized, hostile, etc., - but this is because you have obviously been brainwashed by American right-wing extremists (copyright-  Peoples and Jihadi Hero of the Revolution - Chuck Schumer)  - thought and fail to recognize these as the most talented and highly intelligent progressive revolutionaries leading the way to the true utopia of the 21st century's H.R.Clinton Global Peoples' Village (to begin in 2008).
For you - it's OFF TO RE-EDUCATION CENTER NAMED IN HONOR OF HARRY REID and ROBERT BYRD!!!
Gather 50 kilos of food and belongings and be waiting outside your flat at 0300 for pick up by Black Maria!!!
Failure to report at assigned time will result in your arrest and internal exile!

By order of Chief, North American Progressive Plans and Strategery and Agitation Propaganda and Civil Disobedience Directorate
 
Reply with quote
By Comrade Rogue
1/11/2006, 3:27 am

Comrades!  I note that in a recent Propaganda Department e-mail, this link was included:
http://googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=Communists+for+Kerry&word2=Billionnaires+for+Bush
Surely, this shows the superiority of the Communist ideal over that of the filthy billionaires supporting the fascist pig Bushler!  However, I note that the Party, in it's infinite wisdom, misspelled "billionaires" in the Googlefight search, thus skewing the results.  The correct link is
http://googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=Communists+for+Kerry&word2=Billionaires+for+Bush
Happily, the glorious Communist ideal still triumphs against the real thing, which is of course better than triumphing over a clerical error.
 
Reply with quote
By Komrade Koz
1/11/2006, 10:36 am

There was no mistake.  The party has never erred.  Surely it was merely a malfunction on your part when you recieved the wrong link.
 
Reply with quote
By praxis9
1/11/2006, 7:34 pm

As a fellow member of the great proletarian horde, I'm somewhat upset at the insinuation that our propagandists twist language to achieve political ends. Further, it appears to me that such an insinuation is against party doctrine. Sure, the leaders of the people throughout the university system promote the belief that cultural meta-narratives are the road to political power, but it seems to me that such knowledge should only be promulgated through official channels.

Am I wrong about this?
 
Reply with quote
By Red Squirrel
1/12/2006, 9:52 am

Hollywood Celebrities: US Military Victory Can Be Prevented
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: Eating Red Meat Linked to Domestic Violence
International Observers: Iraqi Occupation Breeds More Terrorists
Nobel Laureate: Rush Limbaugh Bad For Self Esteem
 
Reply with quote
By TLA:
1/12/2006, 12:24 pm

INCREASED HURRICANE ACTIVITY LINKED TO GLOBAL WARMING CAUSED BY FAULTY BODY ARMOR

Hey guys, the headline generator is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

TLA
The Dick List
http://dicklist.blogspot.com
 
Reply with quote
By Guest
1/18/2006, 11:00 am

"all the news that fit to print, and alot thats not"
 
Reply with quote
By Comrade Kraven Buttholz
1/18/2006, 7:11 pm

NYT Banner Headline:

Increases In US Life Expectancy Means Fewer Resources for Africa
 
Reply with quote
By JD Eastman
1/19/2006, 11:24 pm

Hyper Economy Helps Rich, Hurts Poor- Bush: No Solution
 
Reply with quote
By Rich333
1/20/2006, 12:31 am

[ extra-long irrelevant spamming text from www.lysanderspooner.org removed by Red Square ]
 
Reply with quote
By PittsburghProletarian
1/25/2006, 6:57 am

Super Steelers Stun Seattle Seahawks in Shocker 77 to 7. NEA Cries Foul, Both Should Have Won, Scoring Hurts Self Esteem.


Damn....the thing REALLY  does work.

PP
 
Reply with quote
By Ripley
3/17/2006, 12:08 am

STUDY: BUSH PRESIDENCY LINKED TO ED
Viagra Prescriptions Soar
 
Reply with quote
By PK
4/26/2006, 3:06 pm

Educators fear disease, don Trojan Hats
 
Reply with quote
By Red Square
5/2/2006, 9:50 am

Automatic Bob Herbert

Now also behold "Automatic Bob" - the NY Times' Bob Herbert column generator (at www.BrainTerminal.com ):

... many of Herbert's columns during the Bush presidency contain similar, interchangeable passages ... that make it seem like your average Herbert column is just a random recombination of wording from earlier columns.

Given the paper's recent stock performance and rumblings from restless investors, I thought I'd help the Times find ways to put out the same product for less money. So I spent about fifteen minutes writing software that can generate Bob Herbert columns while using a minimal amount of our Earth's precious resources.

http://brain-terminal.com/posts/2006/05/02/automatic-bob-herbert
 
Reply with quote
By ikilledche
9/14/2007, 8:00 pm

Al Franken: Democracy, Freedom Can Lead to Brain Damage

Muslim Women: Christmas Tree Must Be Stopped
 
Reply with quote
By The Tsarevna
1/11/2009, 10:24 pm

Wow, I just found this.  I love text generators.  

Bush Critics: Celebrating Christmas Causes Birth Defects In Spotted Owls

CIA Whistleblower:  US Constitution leads to decrease in Penguin Population, or something like that.  Couldn't cut & paste.
 
Reply with quote
By The Tsarevna
1/11/2009, 10:29 pm

Rich333 wrote
No Treason
Lysander Spooner, 1867, Part I



INTRODUCTORY.

The question of treason is distinct from that of slavery; and is the same that it would have been, if free States, instead of slave States, had seceded. ...

.


What was true of our ancestors, is true of revolutionists in general. The monarchs and governments, from whom they choose to separate, attempt to stigmatize them as traitors. But they are not traitors in fact; in-much they betray, and break faith with, no one. Having pledged no faith, they break none. They are simply men, who, for reasons of their own --- whether good or bad, wise or unwise, is immaterial --- choose to exercise their natural right of dissolving their connexion with the governments under which they have lived. In doing this, they no more commit the crime of treason --- which necessarily implies treachery, deceit, breach of faith --- than a man commits treason when he chooses to leave a church, or any other voluntary association, with which he has been connected.

This principle was a true one in 1776. It is a true one now. It is the only one on which any rightful government can rest. It is the one on which the Constitution itself professes to rest. If it does not really rest on that basis, it has no right to exist; and it is the duty of every man to raise his hand against it.

If the men of the Revolution designed to incorporate in the Constitution the absurd ideas of allegiance and treason, which they had once repudiated, against which they had fought, and by which the world had been enslaved, they thereby established for themselves an indisputable claim to the disgust and detestation of all mankind.



In subsequent numbers, the author hopes to show that, under the principle of individual consent, the little government that mankind need, is not only practicable, but natural and easy; and that the Constitution of the United States authorizes no government, except one depending wholly on voluntary support.



For the remaining parts, check out lysanderspooner.com



Wow...you got all that from the NYT Headline generator?
 
Reply with quote
By DDR Kamerad
1/19/2009, 12:39 am

It comes with the "Politburo" level membership, of which you, much less myself, cannot obtain to without having harvested the requisite number of potatoes.

The enlightening headline I got:

Nancy Pelosi: Christmas Tree Connected to Global Warming

I thought as much.  I knew there was a reason I liked Kwanzaa better than Xmas, although Ho-Ho-Ho wears the right color.

EDIT:  Did I say "obtain to"?  Drat.  That's what happens with a state-sponsored edumacation.
 
Reply with quote
Page 1 of 1   



Save The Unwashed Masses!

Since the days of Lenin, The People™ have been clamoring for change NOW! The Purpose of This Site is to dispense the unquestionable Current Truth direct from Red Square to you. The most equal truths have been set aside in Cube Classics, but The Party™ does not discriminate and proles equally share in the collective via The People's Blog. For customers of Jiffi-Lobo™ we have compiled a People's Glossary and invite them for re-education at The Karl Marx Treatment Center. The People's Cube provides Visual Agitation protest posters for debunking the hegemony of the Neo-Kulaks world-wide. Thoughtcriminals are required to vist the People's Dry Goods State-Run Store No. 86 to procure your items for The Revolution™!


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The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand


Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
 
 
Stop Prosecution of the CIA!
Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic:
It's a Wonderful Death!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties






Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!

Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'


Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off

buy this sticker
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw

Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label
National-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from
George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy

Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind

visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
buy this sticker
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry
Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use
DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a
2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"
Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism

Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism
Obama gives Queen a shovel


click here
NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'

click here for the story
Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'
After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape
Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh
Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside
Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend

Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube

CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY
Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"
Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it

view larger
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice
Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing

Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge
Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans
Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge
No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention
Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies
MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'
Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'
More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers
Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama
Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20
Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America
You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy
Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.
Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers
Somali pirates hijack international space station
Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!"
Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide




Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth
US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria
US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force
Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber
Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!
Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word


FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud
Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'
Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them
World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'
Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'
Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash
Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN
Biden calls taxes patriotic
Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter
Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected
KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"
Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"
Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby
Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart
Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked
Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan
Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals
International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes
Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement
February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."
Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag
US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph
Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score
Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years
NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq
Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia
Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached
Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge
Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.
Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day


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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein
Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton
Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt
Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?
Lou the Looter In Iowa
CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company
Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem
Hillary supporters organize against Obama
Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Elian Gonzales - my kid is a Communist Party Honor Student
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest
Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures
Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake
Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'
NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station



Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'
Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination
Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media
Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead
Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up
New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar
As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved
Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

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Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket
Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it
International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma
Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria
Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!
Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich
Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise
Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich
Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Stop and smell the Sharpies
Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy
Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month
NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes
Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment
Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"
Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself
New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey
KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'
London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard
Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg
USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp
Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity
Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote
Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'
Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint
John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement
To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam
NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama
NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp
Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General
Brokeback Mountain loses climber
NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars
Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers
Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib
Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak
Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change
Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course
Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally
High school Meth teacher starts new class
Holy Mitt!
Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%
Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick
Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive
"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway
Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate
Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes
"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad
New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.
Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'
NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others
Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough
Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress
Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"
US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November
Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.
LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead
USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller
Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia
MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home
Reid: The war on fire is lost
Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire
Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California
NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires
Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.
Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore
Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?
San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault
Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark
End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France
Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"
Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"
Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics
Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"
Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart
Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming
To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama
Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes.
George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam
Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers
John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care
Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill
Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"
Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense
"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues
Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry
China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists
Al Gore to recall the Internet


Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month
First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle
Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead
William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package
Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis
Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program
Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability
London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings
Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"
Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"
Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

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Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric
Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?
US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq
US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?
Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page
As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"
Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant
Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory
Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"
Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey
Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"
French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results
Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture
Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely
Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time
Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids
ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'
Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops
Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling
Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision
Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves
Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases
Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming Jelly
New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system
Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket
Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"
Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up
Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards
Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries
Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?
Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues
Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial
House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED
Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission
North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright
Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission
Is it time for Pinochet yet?
see CITGO think HUGO CHAVEZ

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

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